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So true LH!
Kto did you read OS threads? all of it?


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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kto626 Offline OP
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OMG! Stay off other sites. You can search around the Internet and stumble upon an answer you may like. My guess is that's exactly what you've been doing, b/c you didn't like the advice you were getting here.


Honestly, I was searching around before I found this site. It has been something that has stuck with me finding a few weeks ago.

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If she were in the house right now, she would promptly announce that you would stay in separate bedrooms, b/c she did it last time she came home.


You are right but then she moved into the MBR because she "was wrong and was emotional". Now I know why she was emotional...b/c she was in an A.

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You didn't have to hear it, b/c you've been thinking about it since she left and you your temper had time to cool down. Now you are lonesome and want her there.


Of course, I am. I lost my life and family. Now I sit at home, every day, all day, taking care of a 3-year-old while trying to work and detach. These circumstances make it so I can't keep my mind off it. My house was a tomb, it is a tomb. I see her everywhere and I can't escape it.

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You are still hung up on the MC?? My suggestion was to strongly consider MC as one of your terms for reconciling. IMHO, it is better to get her agreement before she moves back home......or she'll probably not attend if she comes home without agreeing to your terms.


I am only hung up on this because it is where she is most honest (and held accountable). I did ask my therapist yesterday (who has been our MC), and he agreed with you, Sandi. Actually, he agreed with everything you have said. Everything. He told me to keep listening to you. He said no MC until we are much further rin this process (if we even get there). He said he thinks there have been good signs. For instance, trying to get in the house shows she has some love for me. That if she has lost the love she would be on with her life. But y trying to get back in shows she thinks about coming back. Although she is still a WW, she is thinking about the future without me. She just ins;t thinking rationally about it yet.

I do think, however, she will go to MC anytime I ask. I just won't ask until reconciling.

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I've talked till I'm blue in the face, and you're still twisted. You're allowing your emotions to dictate your actions. First, you got angry she was still contacting OM and you kicked her out. You were hot and ready to email her a list of boundaries. Remember? Today, you are bored and lonesome and even considered going over to her parents, where she is staying.


You are right. I am acting on emotions. I need to stop but it is hard. I am an emotional perosn...which has served me well in somethings in my life. But not this.

And I was going to her parent's house just to drop off my D...which didn't happen anyways.

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I think I just need to back off a couple of days, b/c I feel you are misunderstanding too much of what I say. That's not your fault, it's mine. So, I'll back off and maybe some of the men can get through to you.


I am not misunderstanding I am posting based on my emotions. Luckily, I am not acting on those emotions because all of you talk me off the ledge. All of your advice is invaluable. I am posting my irrational emotions because I look for your sound advice. All of you have made me stronger...I am just not strong yet. It is a process for me and I can't thank you all enough for your support. And I promise I will stay off of other sites :-)

Last edited by kto626; 03/26/20 11:54 AM.
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There is absolutely nothing you can do to move your situation in a positive direction while she is in contact with OM.


That is a good way to think about it. I am a fixer. But I can't fix this.

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Kto did you read OS threads? all of it?


I have read most of it. I feel for that guy. I also need to learn from him. I will finish his thread today.

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First, thank you for all of your help. I know it seems like I am not taking your advice but in fact, I am. I have not acted on ANYTHING without coming here first. Being who I am, I analyze everything and hope that I will hear what I want to hear from you. Obviously, I know what I need to do. I just need to do it. And to an extent, I am by following your advice.

Last night, my W FaceTimed with my D. Earlier that day, we texted about logistics for the following day (today) and how I would drop my D off with her in the morning. During FaceTime last night, my W said to my D "I will pick you up after work" at which point I interrupted and said, "I thought it was the morning?, I need to work tomorrow.". She immediately blew up and said, "you think I have a choice to work, what do you want me to do." Against all of the advice, I argued for a minute about having to communicate. She is to have my D today and intentionally didn't tell me to get me angry. This is how she is getting back at me for kicking her out 3 days ago and going silent. Manipulate Manipulate. Manipulate. She has been telling me she was working from home this week. I made the decision that when she works from home (parents house), and she is scheduled to have my D, she takes her. When she has to go to the office, I will help her. So by telling me that she was working from home this week, and then changing the plans at 8:30 last night without telling me, she did it to get back at me for kicking her out.

After arguing for a minute on FaceTime, I hung up on her because she was starting to yell (which by the way she started yelling about "having to work" while talking to my daughter...I quickly grabbed the phone and said stop yelling in front of our D). After the call, I did text after explaining that I have to bring my D to the high school where I work because I am required to go in to get materials. She didn't like that because of Corona.

For the past two weeks, my school (all schools) have been closed. They announced yesterday they will now be closed until May 7th. Due to that, they are ramping up online learning and the way it's looking it will unfold, my job will be harder than ever before. Online chat rooms, live video lessons, etc. How the heck am I going to do that while watching a 3-year-old by myself? It is stressing me out. 3-year-olds are not independent in any way and my W just assumes I will take care of her every day. I know she doesn't have a choice but I can't lose my job. When I explained this briefly in a text after the FaceTime argument, she said: "we will have to come up with a better plan." I guarantee her plan is to work from my house to help. I know it isn't recommended, aI know it isn't smart, but how am I going to be on camera for 4-6 hours a day, talking to students, parents, etc, while doing this by myself. This is going to get harder....

I don't want to have her work from my house. I want her back only when she stops being wayward. But these times are very difficult with everything that is happening and the experts say get ready for this to carry on through the summer. I cannot be a full-time employee and a full-time dad at the same time. I get 5-minute spurts to get something done. Not 4-6 hours.

Sorry, that was my vent after a brief argument with her and the fact she totally set me up today.

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K,

To me that is a legitimate reason to have her back home. Truthfully her at her parents or back home doesn’t really matter. If she’s wayward she’s wayward and nothing changes.

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kto626 Offline OP
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To me that is a legitimate reason to have her back home. Truthfully her at her parents or back home doesn’t really matter. If she’s wayward she’s wayward and nothing changes.


I know it isn't ideal but losing my job is a lot worse. I am holding out as long as I can...

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Online chat rooms, live video lessons, etc. How the heck am I going to do that while watching a 3-year-old by myself?
I don't believe a 3 year old needs constant attention throughout the day. Put em in a playpen and do what you have to do.

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I cannot be a full-time employee and a full-time dad at the same time.

That is the story that you are telling yourself. If your W died tomorrow, could you do it then?

You've been fishing for an excuse and now you've got the perfect one. I wish you the best.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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I don't believe a 3 year old needs constant attention throughout the day. Put em in a playpen and do what you have to do.


Playpen? Seriously? She is 3, not 1. She walks, talks, yells, screams, poops, pees, eats, etc. Playpen and do my thing for 4-6 hours? That is not even close to realistic. That is just out of touch from reality.

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That is the story that you are telling yourself. If your W died tomorrow, could you do it then?

You've been fishing for an excuse and now you've got the perfect one. I wish you the best.


Again, not realistic. If my W died, I would have help from family, friends, daycare, etc. Instead, I am alone with her with no help due to social distancing. To think I am just making an excuse is ridiculous. My guess is you never had to teach online classes during the school day while raising a 3-year-old at the same time.

Listen, I know it seems like I making excuses but I am sure most of you aren't required to have 46 minutes periods teaching online all school day with no help while a 3-year-old needs her bum wiped, book read to her, feed her, and meet her every need. I'll just tell my boss that I have imprisoned my D in a playpen for 6 hours while she screams in the background so my students think I am torturing my child. Makes total sense.

Last edited by kto626; 03/26/20 03:19 PM.
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Haha "imprisoned" and "tortured"? Not even close and if you think so then you are out of touch with reality.

You should teach the kid how to wipe its own butt and entertain itself with toys or books or activities while you work but you think the only "realistic" path is to hover over them all day long...OK. Teaching independence is not absentee parenting, creating dependence is not the goal of parenting. This is why millennials can't get off their parents' tit!

I see you are resigned to this path, with no other possibilities.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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