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Originally Posted by kto626
I tell my W she may come over. She may hang here but leave every day/night. And I want to say, stop contacting the OM while here (or even better, through this social distancing process).
KTO, I am a former subscriber to a group who touted the saying "Pain is weakness leaving the body". Be disciplined, be mentally strong, be positive. Your W has shown that she wants back in? No, she has in fact shown the complete opposite and you are choosing to not see things as they really are. This is why detachment is recommended. Find a new show, new book, new cooking hobby, clean the house, clean your car, organize everything, write down your thoughts, play a game.

Your W is cake eating like crazy and you sir are the baker. You are looking for reasons to do what you know you shouldn't. You act like your W is the only adult you know therefore you must pursue. C'mon... Call an adult you know and talk if you need adult interaction so badly.

The reason you don't like the things that are happening is because of your own inner dialogue about what is going on.

"It is not things that trouble us, but our judgments about things"...


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Hi Kto626,

In most situations, there's more than one good way to handle them. Your plan to have your wife over during daytimes because you're lonely seems clearly bad--if you count up how many responses you've gotten "pro" vs. "con" the consensus here is clearly against it. It comes from a place of emotional weakness ("Can't handle being alone.."), it undermines the boundary you just set, and it doesn't give her a chance to miss you.

You would be shooting yourself in the foot.

Originally Posted by kto626
The day just started and I am feeling adult deprived!

If you can lean into the pain, you'll become a stronger, happier kto626 with better chances of reconciling. Most of us have been in *exactly* this situation. We can help. I went through the same struggle just over a month ago. My ex had a strong social circle and I literally had zero friends to call or talk to. In just over a month alone I was leading two weekly hikes with 6-10' social distance, my last Facebook post got 9 comments, and I have a friend I talk to for 30-60 minutes every couple days. I also no longer dread an evening alone and enjoy the freedom and have resurrected my guitar.

Zoom and other remote sessions with friends are becoming popular. An acquaintance is doing board games, movies, happy hour, and karaoke over webchat. My ex (reconciling!!) is doing a chat where her and her friends are all having a glass of wine together (as they used to do in restaurants) over webchat.

Many are feeling stir-crazy, so this may even be an ideal time to deepen friendships.

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By the end of the 3rd session, I do feel like there was progress. My W will be more open and honest in MC than she will be with me. Mainly, that is due to her becoming so angry and defensive anytime she feels cornered (which is probably all the time with the guilt she has). That is why oi thought it might be good to go back. But I guess I am grasping for straws.


I repeat, do NOT try to get her to see MC before she goes NC with OM and is asking you about reconciling.

You are grasping at straws b/c you want MC to "fix" your W's waywardness. It won't, IMHO.

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It is so hard to be the only adult in my house.


I'll tell you the same thing some You Tubers were saying about Prince Harry, "Suck it up, Buttercup". laugh

Seriously, it is a little hard for me to feel sorry for the millennial generation being stuck at home, b/c they still have electricity, running water, indoor plumbing, heat/air, and all their technology devices to keep them entertained. smirk Once you go without all these luxuries for two or three weeks straight, and you can't get outside to drive around or to get food..................yeah, just saying.

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I am used to having my best friend (W) here to talk to. I realize she isn't my best friend anymore, but she is still friendly as long as we don't talk about the A.


This thinking will cause you to go all melty-man, and you'll break all those "boundaries" you wanted to email her.

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It makes me want to reach out to my W and ask her to hang here as a family for a few hours. I know you would advise against it, and so far I haven't even spoken to her since I kicked her out. But if this goes on for weeks or months I don't know if I can make it.

Would it be detrimental to allow her to hangout her during the day, go home at night? She has her parents (who she lives with) to speak to. I have no one.


(SMACK!!!) Snap out of it! You'll never back up your own word on where you stand, thinking like this! Now, stop throwing yourself a pity party, and start working out, turn on some rock & roll, and dance with your little girl.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Okay, I'm going to hold strong! I'm not going to ask her to come by. I like the line CWarrior said, you are not giving her a chance to miss me. I realize that isn't the primary reason to detach but it's hard to detach for myself when I can't go out and have a life. So at the very least, not allowing her here, not contacting her, it may start to make her miss me. Maybe it won't but until I am able to keep myself busy (not coloring or playing hide-and-seek with my D3), then I'm constantly reminded on how I'm lonely and doing this alone.

I am going to have to see my W today so she can watch my D for an hour to help out while I have an appointment (insert eye roll on her helping out). I'm not going to say anything.

I will continue to post to update and seek support in troubled times. Thank you all!!!

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Atta boy!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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There a lot of things you can do at home to GAL...

- Read books to grow yourself, learn about healthy relationships
- Watch movies / YouTube videos
- Learn to meditate and relax your mind and body
- Self reflect on yourself - focus on the positives too, gain your confidence back
- Home exercise... push ups, sit ups
- Home projects, or clean out closets / drawers

Write yourself a To-Do list and check them off

Last edited by LovingIt; 03/25/20 06:04 PM.
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Yay Kto626! You've actually been incredibly strong throughout this. Props.

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Here is a question....after reading some other sites that talk about how the first step in my process is to get her back in the house to be able to work on the M. That being separated it makes it that much harder to reconcile.

Is it harder to R being separated or having my W in the home? She isn't coming in until she ends contact with the OM. That is my firm line. But waiting for a while after for MC and all seems counter-intuitive.

I am not even there yet but hearing to get her back in the house first just made me think.

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Here is a question....after reading some other sites that talk about how the first step in my process is to get her back in the house to be able to work on the M. That being separated it makes it that much harder to reconcile.


OMG! Stay off other sites. You can search around the Internet and stumble upon an answer you may like. My guess is that's exactly what you've been doing, b/c you didn't like the advice you were getting here. You don't have to follow the advice from us, but why read their stuff and then ask us about it?

If she were in the house right now, she would promptly announce that you would stay in separate bedrooms, b/c she did it last time she came home. She said, "take it a day at a time", and that is WW code which really means in-house separation. If there is one thing worse than being physically separated.....it is "in-house separation". In-house is the epitome of cake eating for the WW. IMHO, it's the worse move you could possibly make after telling her to leave due to contacting OM! She would never respect any boundaries after backing down. She would smear her affair in your face and feed you sh't sandwiches every day. Is it harder? You better believe it is. I may have already said this, but I've been here thirteen years this summer, and I have never seen a successful "in-house" separation that led to reconciliation. However, I have seen many couples (WW situations) reconcile after having physical separation. Of course, the WW had to end the A and go NC with OM, before moving back home, but it worked b/c she had space and time, and he enforced his boundaries......which led to their reconciliation. Know how the LBHS describe in-house separation? Soul sucking.

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I am not even there yet but hearing to get her back in the house first just made me think.


You didn't have to hear it, b/c you've been thinking about it since she left and you your temper had time to cool down. Now you are lonesome and want her there.

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She isn't coming in until she ends contact with the OM. That is my firm line. But waiting for a while after for MC and all seems counter-intuitive.


You are still hung up on the MC?? My suggestion was to strongly consider MC as one of your terms for reconciling. IMHO, it is better to get her agreement before she moves back home......or she'll probably not attend if she comes home without agreeing to your terms. As long as she ends contact with OM and agrees to transparency, she can come back home.......if you are okay with it. I was trying to give you a plan to help you prevent mistakes other LBH's made. Forget the MC, if you are so confused about it. One minute you are wanting her to go, so the MC will fix what's broken, and the next minute you are saying it is counter-intuitive. I've talked till I'm blue in the face, and you're still twisted. You're allowing your emotions to dictate your actions. First, you got angry she was still contacting OM and you kicked her out. You were hot and ready to email her a list of boundaries. Remember? Today, you are bored and lonesome and even considered going over to her parents, where she is staying.

I think I just need to back off a couple of days, b/c I feel you are misunderstanding too much of what I say. That's not your fault, it's mine. So, I'll back off and maybe some of the men can get through to you.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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K,

I put it plain and simple for you. There is absolutely nothing you can do to move your situation in a positive direction while she is in contact with OM. Go read OS2’s thread and see what happened when he let his wife come home against the advice of the board.

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