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Originally Posted by Vapo
Dude,

you are the one splitting hairs here. Nothing will work, there is NO friggin silver bullet, you do ahve to get to grips with it. People helping you over here are are talking from their own experience and do know what they are talking about.

Until you stop taking $hit from her and start growing, you will be stuck in a rut. She wants out and you have to let her go. If she comes back, she's yours if she does not, she never was.

No amount of a$$ kissing and tiptoeing around her will turn her towards you. She has to respect you, before she would even consider commiting to you.

Again, if you are basing your feelings on the response you get from her, then you are in for a world of hurt.


Splitting hairs?

Who said anything about basing my feelings on her responses? Or tiptoeing around her or a$$ kissing? Or a silver bullet?

The problem is...people know what they are talking about *for them* not for a magic silver bullet for everyone. Which was my point. But I guess that's splitting hairs.

The fact is, there is a lot on these forums that contradict what Michele and her books say. A lot. For instance, so many people say, "oh no, don't let your S see the book. The book is only for the LBS." That's BS. DR is clearly geared towards either, and even has some section(s) that speak directly to the S who is leaving or considering it. And in the success story section, one even includes someone giving the book to their spouse to read and that playing a part in turning things around.

There is no magic bullet, no concrete single one way, but that is often a lot of what I have found on here. Stuff that worked for a particular situation being presented as that absolute go to for everyone.

If nothing works, then Michele, everyone associated with this site, and everyone on this forum is wasting an awful lot of time.

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Originally Posted by LH19
C,

90% of the posters here have wayward spouses. It would not be wise to engage with a wayward spouse. Yours does not seem to be wayward she just doesn’t want to be married anymore. So if you want to engage then engage. Here’s my concern. She starts to engage with you and you guys are having pleasant conversations and you think she’s softening and may change her mind. You initiate a relationship talk and she punches you in the nuts and it’s like bomb drop all over again. That’s why I prefer that you are out when she’s home GALING which helps with detachment.


I appreciate it, and the rest of your posts. You at least seem to recognize where I'm coming from.

Fear not, I won't be initiating any relationship talk (I've always been reluctant to do that kind of thing anyway), and I will continuing with GAL (as much as possible at the moment).

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Originally Posted by CaptainN
For instance, so many people say, "oh no, don't let your S see the book. The book is only for the LBS." That's BS. DR is clearly geared towards either, and even has some section(s) that speak directly to the S who is leaving or considering it.
After you give the book to your spouse, See if she will join these forums as MsCaptianN. We have had several couples on here and it was very insightful to get both of their input.




Last edited by Ready2Change; 03/27/20 07:46 PM.

"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by CaptainN
Definitely some strong deviations from *some* advice given here, and more in line with what I had been thinking before, and from the DR book.
Definitely follow the coaches advise. You were able to have a real conversation. I like to get as many options as possible when making my decisions. I then use logic to pick the one that logically seams right for me.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by CaptainN
For instance, so many people say, "oh no, don't let your S see the book. The book is only for the LBS." That's BS. DR is clearly geared towards either, and even has some section(s) that speak directly to the S who is leaving or considering it.
After you give the book to your spouse, See if she will join these forums as MsCaptianN. We have had several couples on here and it was very insightful to get both of their input.



I might, if she ever gets to a point where I think she'd be receptive to anything I suggested she take a look at.

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Guess this is an update/journaling...

Things have been a lot more pleasant between us since I started engaging again, but not pursuing. We've had friendly conversations about the happenings in the world, what's going on in our day, the brownies she made, our daughter, etc.

One conversation that's been a little surreal is that she's been telling me all about her search for insurance quotes for the house, and the cars she plans to keep. She's telling me, who she's contacted, what they've asked for, who didn't get back with her, about the rates she's gotten and how they compare, and the programs they have for possible discounts with monitoring (for her daughter's car). All the while, I'm kind of thinking, "Why are you telling me all of this? Am I supposed to have an interest in your insurance endeavors? Should I care what it ends up costing you? This is the kind of conversation a married couple would have." Don't get me wrong, I have no problem listening, or engaging in this conversation, it's just another one of the many, perplexing things that go on, where I just want to go, "Huh?!?"

I also have to make a decision regarding the divorce. My lawyer wants to make a proposal on the assets that I'm conflicted about. On one hand, I could ask for a significant amount more than she proposed to try and get the most for myself while she is wanting to get out, but on the other hand, I'm not sure I consider it really fair. I know a huge reason I have as much money saved up as I do, is because of how much of the financial burden she took on during the marriage. It's hard for me to think I should ask for even more, even if I can get it. Especially, if it would wipe out her retirement. Of course, asking for it, doesn't mean she's forced into agreeing to it.

I've been praying on it, but still haven't come to a conclusion. I'm not in any rush on that either.

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El Capiton,

Yeah WWs are famous for wanting to be friendly and speak nonchalantly about D.

My suggestion to you is to try to be fair but get what you can if she’s willing to give.

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Captain ~ On the assets, only you can decide where you fall on that spectrum between empathy for your W's potential struggles and getting what you can.

As with all DB decisions, try to see things clearly, and without rose-colored (or gray-colored) glasses. Then you will feel good about whatever decision you make.

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Originally Posted by unchien
Captain ~ On the assets, only you can decide where you fall on that spectrum between empathy for your W's potential struggles and getting what you can.

As with all DB decisions, try to see things clearly, and without rose-colored (or gray-colored) glasses. Then you will feel good about whatever decision you make.


Believe me, I'm trying.

The way she is handling this financially, is kind of mind boggling to me.

She wants a divorce, where she pays me at least $20k, and at the same time, she wants to continue living together, with her now paying for all the bills. All this when she has spent about $9k over her net income over the last 6-7 months, has emptied her savings, and will make a huge dent and then some in her retirement to pay me. I should probably stop trying to understand the thinking. I have too much of an analytical mind, I guess.

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Originally Posted by CaptainN
I should probably stop trying to understand the thinking.

Correct--you only need to figure out if the deal she offered works for you, after consulting with your attorney (your attorney may recommend cautious moves such as financial disclosures).


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