And somehow she is supposed to pay me $20k as part of splitting our assets. Maybe this is why she doesn't seem to want or expect me to leave the house after the divorce. She wants time to pay that off, and would probably ask me to start paying the utilities again as a condition of staying.
People set up payment plans, do cash out refis on homes, loans from 401(k)'s, borrow from relatives. Why are you so hung up on this?
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It was kind of what I was afraid of. If I became completely distant, so would she.
Fear not. If you get a divorce, do you plan on being all close and cuddly while she is with another man?
She is telling you what she wants via the divorce. Accept it. Be strong and be good. Her climbing into bed is strange considering she wants the divorce. I think it is a slightly good sign if you are hoping to bust the divorce but you must be strong and thoughtful as opposed to weak and impulsive. I'd probably hop out of bed if that happens and go take your daughter outside or go play in the basement - you get the idea.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
And somehow she is supposed to pay me $20k as part of splitting our assets. Maybe this is why she doesn't seem to want or expect me to leave the house after the divorce. She wants time to pay that off, and would probably ask me to start paying the utilities again as a condition of staying.
People set up payment plans, do cash out refis on homes, loans from 401(k)'s, borrow from relatives. Why are you so hung up on this? [quote] Well, she doesn't have the retirement money to do that with, and her relatives don't have money to borrow from. She could take out a loan, but that would just push her into more debt. None of it is sound financial sense.
[quote] Fear not. If you get a divorce, do you plan on being all close and cuddly while she is with another man?
Well, the whole idea is to NOT get a divorce. Not just be like, "I don't give a crap." I do. There's no point in a marriage or any of this if it all just becomes something that never matters or is a care for us. I'm not going to lie to myself and pretend it doesn't matter, or that it shouldn't.
Yes, I will be okay if there is a D. Life moves on. My daughter will be okay too. But, she will also be negatively affected. That's just a fact. The goal is not just to be okay. The goal is not to just settle for whatever comes my way. The goal is to aim for the best possible outcomes, and do whatever I can, to try (no guarantees) and reach them. Not just for me, but for my daughter as well.
What I would do if she were with another man is kind of irrelevant. At least, I think so. That situation is not my goal.
I think maybe there is a misconception about my state of mind. I'm not someone who is feeling all crushed and doesn't know how I'm going to manage life without my W. I'm not depressed, I'm not moping around, I'm not crying my eyes out at night. I'm fully cognizant that I can do quite well on my own and in the future and that my happiness is not dependent on her. My anger, what I have had of it, in all of this has not been about losing the relationship with my wife, it has been a reaction to her negativity and criticisms, but mostly about her disregard for the impacts on her children.
The biggest resistances I have to a divorce go as follows: My faith, my daughter's well-being, my step-daughter's well-being, the huge financial hit, maybe my wife's well-being (because I do still think she has some problems that I don't want to see her, or anyone, succumb to), and then finally, way down the line, how I'll be able to cope with it.
I believe in the institution of marriage and the commitments involved. I think our society is far too accepting of throwing that away, sometimes at the drop of a hat. I resist that.
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She is telling you what she wants via the divorce. Accept it. Be strong and be good. Her climbing into bed is strange considering she wants the divorce. I think it is a slightly good sign if you are hoping to bust the divorce but you must be strong and thoughtful as opposed to weak and impulsive. I'd probably hop out of bed if that happens and go take your daughter outside or go play in the basement - you get the idea.
Well, it usually happens in the middle of the night, sometimes shortly before it's time to get up. A couple of times I didn't even realize it until I did get up in the morning.
Btw, if my posts sometimes seem a little harsh, or combative, it's just that I kind of type in a matter-of-fact kind of way, and my tone is not really conveyed like it otherwise would be.
Just an FYI, in case anyone thinks my responses to their posts are trying to be argumentative or anything. It's not. I'm just getting my thoughts out there, sometimes beyond the scope of what I'm replying to.
I wouldn't worry about how she is going to pay you. That's her problem.
If you wanting her back is that far down the line then just keep detaching and focusing on yourself. Maybe she'll come back if she sees a healthy, attractive individual.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Brought up the assets within the house. I asked her what she was thinking about some of the assets, like the beds (something we would both need) for example. She just said she wanted to keep the tempurpedic (one she had before we got together, and also the one I'm sleeping in now), but that I could have whatever else I wanted. Then she said, other than that, she didn't really think there was much for us to split (I'm taking that to mean she thinks it's pretty obvious what belongs to who). For the most part, that's probably correct, though, I wonder about the TVs now, and there is a movie theater in our basement that I pretty much want anything that's not structurally attached. She may be okay with that, since she hasn't really been down there except maybe once or twice since our daughter was born (part of the whole distancing thing she started doing after giving birth).
I didn't bring up the theater yet. My lawyer never called today. I want to speak with her, and talk to my coach again.
Then she asked, "Why? Are you planning on leaving? You can stay, at least until she (D) is old enough for me to explain to her what's going on."
To the beds, I said that made sense, I could understand why she wanted to keep that one. And she laughed and said, "it's a nice bed, isn't it?" Honestly, it's a little hot for my tastes.
To the leaving, I said, there were advantages to that, but I wasn't sure what I'd do. Then she joked about me getting an apartment right down the street so she'd be able to go to a better middle school (I'm not doing an apartment - ever).
On a side note, I am now officially at my lowest weight since getting married.
She asked me later if there was anything specific I wanted, or why I asked. So, I said I would like to have what's in the theater, and she said okay. She figured we'd just take what each of us used more. Basically, whatever I want, I can have.
I wouldn't worry about how she is going to pay you. That's her problem.
If you wanting her back is that far down the line then just keep detaching and focusing on yourself. Maybe she'll come back if she sees a healthy, attractive individual.
Not worrying, just not understanding her reasoning (or lack thereof).
Just like I don't understand how she can barely stand to ne in the same room with me before, but she's also okay getting in our bed and is almost expecting that I will continue living there after the D.
Had my 2nd coaching session today, and thought it went well.
Definitely some strong deviations from *some* advice given here, and more in line with what I had been thinking before, and from the DR book.
Suggested I engage with her more, ask her how she's doing, etc. Since I'm generally more reserved and quiet, and had even pulled back more from that during our relationship, this is doing something different. And it appears to have been something she responded well to before. Not pursuing, not talking about our relationship, just being a more present and engaging person. A happy medium between the pressure of pursuit and the disconnection from non-engagement and letting her initiate everything.
Not everything works the same for everyone. Some people may have stronger personalities, so for them, pulling back and being distant is what their partner needs. Whereas, for someone like myself, the opposite is true (without adding the pressure of pushing the relationship).
The proof is in the pudding. This being distant and not talking to her unless she initiates is more of the same, cheeseless tunnels for me, and the response to it has not been good. It's not the person I want to be, and appears to not be the person she wants to engage with either.
90% of the posters here have wayward spouses. It would not be wise to engage with a wayward spouse. Yours does not seem to be wayward she just doesn’t want to be married anymore. So if you want to engage then engage. Here’s my concern. She starts to engage with you and you guys are having pleasant conversations and you think she’s softening and may change her mind. You initiate a relationship talk and she punches you in the nuts and it’s like bomb drop all over again. That’s why I prefer that you are out when she’s home GALING which helps with detachment.
you are the one splitting hairs here. Nothing will work, there is NO friggin silver bullet, you do ahve to get to grips with it. People helping you over here are are talking from their own experience and do know what they are talking about.
Until you stop taking $hit from her and start growing, you will be stuck in a rut. She wants out and you have to let her go. If she comes back, she's yours if she does not, she never was.
No amount of a$$ kissing and tiptoeing around her will turn her towards you. She has to respect you, before she would even consider commiting to you.
Again, if you are basing your feelings on the response you get from her, then you are in for a world of hurt.
