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Andrew,

I do understand the wanting of "me" time and right now you can have that when S returns to her place. What or how are you going to carve out that "me" time when S and her family and pets move in? It's going to be difficult unless you sit her down and have a nice chat about what "me" time consists of for you.

As for going out to get items from the stores, it's been very interesting here. I went out Tuesday to pick up some things for my mother, who is 86. It was the designated time for the seniors to be in the store and I couldn't believe how they were just standing around the meat counter talking as if it were a normal day. Here I was gloved up and staying 6 ft back and finally, I had to call out and remind them that they needed to be 6 feet apart and get the heck away from the meat counter if they were just going to socialize. It finally dawned on them that the line was back up for people wanting to pick up some meat products and that they and their carts were blocking the entire area. Like you, some are just has happy as pigs in mud socializing and not taking this seriously and others are way over into the panic mode.

Finally, the Governor of MD has announced that day cares are to be closed effective this evening. In my opinion, everything but the grocery stores, banks and drug stores should have been shut down two weeks ago, instead of one by one shutting down of businesses. My county now has 5 cases, but areas around DC have many more into the hundreds. It's a scary time, but we all need to listen and follow the steps in order to stay healthy and safe. We are losing entirely too many people all around the world before their time.

Andrew, S will get over her little snit...but it's good that you are standing up for yourself just a wee bit. As for your son moving out in May...do you think he'll still do it if this virus continues to be on a roll? I would think it would be better for him to remain right where he is for the time being. I do not think this virus will be out of here by May...more like the June time frame possibly.

Please take care of yourself and stay safe. I worry about you because of the comings and goings of S and her family in your home.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted by Westo
You were warned and the words ‘no s#it Sherlock’ spring to mind.

Keep safe.
LOL. Thanks ((Westo))
Originally Posted by job
Andrew,

I do understand the wanting of "me" time and right now you can have that when S returns to her place. What or how are you going to carve out that "me" time when S and her family and pets move in? It's going to be difficult unless you sit her down and have a nice chat about what "me" time consists of for you.
I'm going to have to work on that and I still haven't figured out how. And it's better done earlier rather than later. I need to first get a clearer vision in my mind on what that means to me. This enforced isolation / coupling is distorting things so very much from any sort of normal.

Originally Posted by job
Andrew, S will get over her little snit...but it's good that you are standing up for yourself just a wee bit. As for your son moving out in May...do you think he'll still do it if this virus continues to be on a roll? I would think it would be better for him to remain right where he is for the time being. I do not think this virus will be out of here by May...more like the June time frame possibly.

Please take care of yourself and stay safe. I worry about you because of the comings and goings of S and her family in your home.
Thanks job. I do need to have another talk with S25 this weekend and make sure that he's ok with things proceeding according to plan. Even though it would upset S, if he's not confident then we stretch it out by another month even if that will cost S her not inconsiderable rent payment. There are so very many unknowns that "could" jump up and bit us. I am confident that none of them are insurmountable and if S moves in before S25 moves out that we would all adapt. I joke to myself that perhaps he could move in with his mother and OM on an interim basis but as I've mentioned before, I absolutely cannot look to her for any sort of cooperation and I am confident that S25 hasn't even considered that as a possibility himself and it would open a very very large can of doo-doo (can I say that here? wink ) if I broached the subject.


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T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Originally Posted by AndrewP
She chose to interpret it as that I want to drink beer which I can't do around her because of her severe allergy.

I’ll admit I’m “only” a paramedic, and not even licensed anymore, but I have had more education (initial and continued) than many might assume, plus 25 years of experience. I’ve never heard of anyone having such a severe allergy that if someone else consumes the substance - they have the reaction. Perhaps if you were to kiss her? I could see that. But in general, I have to call BS on this. Perhaps KML can comment? Just seems very convenient for anyone who may not want someone else to engage in a behavior to claim they are highly allergic to said behavior and boom, issue trumped. I certainly hope she carries an epi pen if she is so highly allergic. Something just makes me highly question this. Perhaps a controlled test? Does she go into bars, restaurants, or other people’s homes where beer is being consumed? If so, testing the same with you seems reasonable.

But again, I’m not an allergist - but I have treated many, many allergic reactions - both anaphylactic and not. I do t have the defacto answer - I just raise the question.


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Good point Don. I’m sure she’s been in a restaurant or at an event where alcohol is served..... she hasn’t been able to avoid its presence her whole life. Yes, she can have a reaction if she kisses you if it truly that severe. But not in a house with it. Maybe she just can’t kiss you....

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Holy $hit Andy I can’t think of bigger deal breaker for me then her being allergic to beer. Thank the lord I have never heard of that before.

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I’m sure she’s been in a restaurant or at an event where alcohol is served..... she hasn’t been able to avoid its presence her whole life. Yes, she can have a reaction if she kisses you if it truly that severe. But not in a house with it. Maybe she just can’t kiss you....
I can drink all I want but the smooching is off the table until it is out of my respiration. If we are out and someone is drinking hard liquor she has to go to the other side of the table. If I have more than 2 drinks in an evening then that means that one of us would be sleeping elsewhere.

It is a legit thing - she had a pretty extreme reaction when I made a loaf of beer bread a while ago and had to leave after dosing up with antihistamines. We'd talked before I started cooking and she thought that one can of beer cooking 2 rooms away shouldn't be a problem it was.

It hit her in her late teens and has gotten progressively worse over the years. Sad because she quite enjoys the taste of wine, beer and some mixed drinks. We've been searching for a zero alcohol wine that doesn't taste like swamp mud.


On BD
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T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Again, not an allergist but I’ve heard of people having allergy to the yeast or the hops - though only if THEY consume the beer - not someone else.

I have also heard of sexually-relayed cases of latex allergy and one woman with a sulfa allergy who had a reaction following sex with her husband who was on a sulfa drug at the time. Was that TMI?


DonH
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Actually Don I have a patient who is so allergic to coffee that during shelter in place, her husband (who usually has to go to Starbucks to drink his coffee ) is brewing his coffee in a Keurig in the back yard and and drinking it in the garage and it is STILL causing her symptoms!

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Andrew find a good description of introverts and extroverts - maybe from the book Raising Your Spirited Child, which has an excellent chapter on this. It really has nothing to do with shyness (although many introverts are shy) and has everything to do with how you recharge. Extroverts recharge by being with others and find it draining to be alone; introverts find it draining to be with others and need to recharge by being alone.

Now - she may be an extrovert or she may just be pathologically insecure. Perhaps if you explain the introvert/extrovert thing to her she will stop taking it personally. You will definitely have to figure out how to carve out alone time once you’re living together

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Originally Posted by AndrewP
I'm confident that she's unhappy about going back to her apartment and probably not able to understand my reasons. She has never been alone in any fashion ever in her life. Moved from her parent's place in with room-mates in University, got married, had kids and except for the odd weekend when they've all been with their Dads for a day or so hasn't known what it's like to just have "space". We need to work on this - not sure how especially when we become even more of a couple. In my former marriage I often had time for "just me" as did my ex.

How is it possible to have never been alone in any fashion, ever? Maybe being an only child colors my view on this, but man ... that's a huge red flag for me. again, for me, not necessarily anyone else. In my view, if one cannot be comfortable alone how can one truly be with someone else without it being co-dependent? One of the things I valued in my marriage was that each of us had a sense of personal freedom, so that if either of us needed some alone time, we voiced it, neither took it personally. If I wasn't feeling like I needed alone time but exh was, I would usually look at it as an opportunity to do stuff on my own. Again, probably being an only child helps with this. Certainly having a mother who smothered me makes me hyper sensitive to someone who is too clingy. Again, Andrew, I'm not in this relationship, so if it works for you, great. I'm hearing that it's not so much, though. I think maybe phrasing something like, this isn't about you. this isn't about your needs, this is about mine, and I need a certain amount of alone time to re-group. I can't remember if you guys are in counseling or not. If yes, this is something to definitely consider bringing up there.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
Ah well - I do love her and do like having her around. Like through the entire relationship though, she is moving aggressively to get what she wants. I need to make sure to be able to carve out "me' time both now and as time moves on.

You know, this bugs me, the moving aggressively to get what she wants. Does this cause any other eyebrows to raise? I think - if I remember dating correctly - people are on their best behavior in the early days, and you are still in the early days. What's this going to be like in a year? 5? 10?


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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