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A Message from Michele
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Re: Ruining a possible reconciliation [Re: LH19] #2889273
03/13/20 05:41 PM
03/13/20 05:41 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 50
D
DBX80 Offline OP
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DBX80  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by LH19
D,

I wish you would of kept posting. You have to treat your W like a cat. What happens when you chase a cat it runs away. Let her wander around the neighborhood and when she doesn’t hear from you she will get curious again. When she contacts you again invite her over and then hangout have fun and hook up. Rinse recycle and repeat. Let her come to you at her pace.


Thanks LH.

This past time, I was the one that reached out to her after going dark for 2 months. Are you saying I should go dark again, but I should NOT reach out to her after 2 months like I did before? I know her very well, and I feel that unless I reach out to her at some point, she'll never reach out to me. She's not assertive in that sense.

Re: Ruining a possible reconciliation [Re: DBX80] #2889274
03/13/20 06:05 PM
03/13/20 06:05 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4,664
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4,664
D,

If she wants to see you then she will find away to get in touch with you. If you’re ok with going dark for two months and then calling her up to get together for a roll in the hay and then reject you that’s ok too. I would think that would mess with your detachment.

The bottom line is if you want it to work out long term she has to put in the effort.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Ruining a possible reconciliation [Re: LH19] #2889288
03/13/20 08:19 PM
03/13/20 08:19 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 50
D
DBX80 Offline OP
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DBX80  Offline OP
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D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by LH19
D,

If she wants to see you then she will find away to get in touch with you. If you’re ok with going dark for two months and then calling her up to get together for a roll in the hay and then reject you that’s ok too. I would think that would mess with your detachment.

The bottom line is if you want it to work out long term she has to put in the effort.


Thanks LH. I feel like the only reason she rejected me this time around was because I pursued her 2 days after the dinner date. Maybe if I hadn't pursued her at all after the "date", she could have been more inclined to contact me for another dinner? As I see it, I have two options:

Option 1: Go dark again, contact her in 2 months asking for a dinner date, go on the date if she accepts, enjoy the date, and then immediately go dark again after the date (until she initiates contact again).

Option 2: Go dark again, and just wait until she initiates contact (which could be months and months and months, or never).

Thoughts?

Re: Ruining a possible reconciliation [Re: DBX80] #2889295
03/13/20 08:58 PM
03/13/20 08:58 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 156
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LovingIt Offline
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LovingIt  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 156
DBX80 -

Option-2. This is how going dark and no contact works. You have to let her go thru her own journey. You can't be desperate and worry that she will never reach out.

My WW reaches out all the time when I don't reach out. She said the same thing as your WW. I finally gave up and moved on because I don't see any personal growth or changes in behavior in her, and I realized we will just fall back into the same pattern of lies as before. Trust the board... this is all very predictable based on previous threads.

Search YouTube for The Love Chat and Dating Guy. Both have tons of materials on how no contact works. Both of those resources helped me a ton in gaining strength during no contact. They also are not as sale pitch as some of the other channels for their knowledge.

Last edited by LovingIt; 03/13/20 09:01 PM.
Re: Ruining a possible reconciliation [Re: LH19] #2890318
03/24/20 08:56 PM
03/24/20 08:56 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 50
D
DBX80 Offline OP
Member
DBX80  Offline OP
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D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by LH19
D,

If she wants to see you then she will find away to get in touch with you. If you’re ok with going dark for two months and then calling her up to get together for a roll in the hay and then reject you that’s ok too. I would think that would mess with your detachment.

The bottom line is if you want it to work out long term she has to put in the effort.

She texted me about the coronavirus, telling me I should stock up on groceries and to stay safe.

I took that opportunity (since she reached out to me unprompted) to ask if she wanted to get dinner. She said "maybe another day."

Should I do anything when she contacts me out of nowhere?

She's stated she wants to be "friends". How to respond?

Although the original OM is now out of the picture, she has stated that she's chatting with other guys online. Is this hopeless?

Re: Ruining a possible reconciliation [Re: DBX80] #2890321
03/24/20 09:13 PM
03/24/20 09:13 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4,664
L
LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4,664
Your response should have been “great text me when your free to get together”.

“I’m sorry I’m not interested in being friends with you.”

It’s not hopeless but it probably isn’t going change until she fears she may lose you.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Ruining a possible reconciliation [Re: DBX80] #2890324
03/24/20 09:35 PM
03/24/20 09:35 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 156
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LovingIt Offline
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LovingIt  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 156
Originally Posted by DBX80


I took that opportunity (since she reached out to me unprompted) to ask if she wanted to get dinner. She said "maybe another day."

Should I do anything when she contacts me out of nowhere?



You took the opportunity to pursue... DO NOT pursue. Did she ask you a question or a statement? A response is not even necessary for statements.

When I went no contact, I did not respond to temp check text like "how are you?". Unless it was business related, like dealing with finances or rental property, I ignored everything else personal.

Did you watch any of the YouTube series that I recommended?

Last edited by LovingIt; 03/24/20 09:37 PM.
Re: Ruining a possible reconciliation [Re: DBX80] #2890333
03/24/20 10:38 PM
03/24/20 10:38 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 194
M
Mumin Offline
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Mumin  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 194
If you go with option 1 and she says no...?

Like other have said. Option 2, and dont pursue.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3 (They don't know yet)
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
Re: Ruining a possible reconciliation [Re: DBX80] #2890365
03/25/20 04:29 AM
03/25/20 04:29 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,454
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CWarrior Offline
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CWarrior  Offline
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Posts: 1,454
Hi Dbx80, oof! Well, the stove burned you a second time. A reminder to put pursuit on-hold for a bit?


May'19 - Girlfriend of 2yrs left. Aug'19 - We became a "broken" couple (I needed validation, she screamed). Dec'19 - We gave up and went NC. Mar'20 - I've changed and she's eager for MC and us again.
Re: Ruining a possible reconciliation [Re: LH19] #2890457
03/25/20 08:50 PM
03/25/20 08:50 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 50
D
DBX80 Offline OP
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DBX80  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by LH19
Your response should have been “great text me when your free to get together”.

“I’m sorry I’m not interested in being friends with you.”

It’s not hopeless but it probably isn’t going change until she fears she may lose you.


Thanks LH. So just to be clear, it's OK to ask her when she's free to get together, if she initiates contact again? I ask because others on this forum seem to think that's pursuing, and that I shouldn't do that.

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