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A Message from Michele
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Re: Please help [Re: Core] #2889108
03/12/20 04:16 PM
03/12/20 04:16 PM
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pharm75 Offline OP
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pharm75  Offline OP
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Meant to send that reply to you

Re: Please help [Re: pharm75] #2889109
03/12/20 04:17 PM
03/12/20 04:17 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,169
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Cadet Offline

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Originally Posted by pharm75
Meant to send that reply to you



I am sure that core knows that.


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: Please help [Re: Cadet] #2889110
03/12/20 04:20 PM
03/12/20 04:20 PM
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pharm75 Offline OP
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Sorry, internet forums are new to me

Re: Please help [Re: pharm75] #2889111
03/12/20 04:21 PM
03/12/20 04:21 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,169
NY
Cadet Offline

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Originally Posted by pharm75
Sorry, internet forums are new to me


Keep posting you will get there.


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: Please help [Re: pharm75] #2889118
03/12/20 05:00 PM
03/12/20 05:00 PM
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Posts: 234
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Core Offline
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Originally Posted by pharm75
You ask a really good question and that is if I want it. To be honest for so long I thought yes but now that I see how much pain I am causing him and that he causes me I'm almost in agreeance with him.


Unless you're actively abusing him, he is responsible for his thoughts and feelings, not you. Setting boundaries would be good for you both. Don't take all the blame.

Originally Posted by pharm75
The one thing I keep going back to is that I know in my heart that if I had my own life and didn't depend on him and other people to fulfill my joy so many issues wouldn't have become issues. There has been an unhealthy dynamic from the start that we both went into this way and we both know that it needs to change. If he told me today he wanted to work on this marriage if he told me to day he wanted to be with me and that he loves me I would absolutely want to be with him.

You've your answer for today, right here. No need to rush out and get the D. Do though rush working on your behaviors.

Originally Posted by pharm75
But to keep chasing someone and trying to force something doesn't seem genuine it seems the opposite of love. Yes I do love this man I love him very much and he does things the pisses me off he does things that hurt me but a lot of those things I don't think would hurt me so badd if I had others to rely on. An example would be how hes such a homebody but I am not home body I like to go out and do things I love to be outdoors. I don't think that that should break a relationship because the 2 are different. I saw my grandparents married in my grandfather was just like my husband he would sit in a recliner in drink and he loved to be watching TV and just keep to himself and then work outdoors on small projects he would be social from time to time but for the most part he was just a guy that liked to be by himself. From what my mom told me my grandma was very lonely for a long time but she learned to get her own life in to make friends that would do the things that she wants to do and it worked for them.


This is good you see this. Drop the rope and dont chase him. He'll come back, or he won't. His choice. Let go of the control. Probably the hardest part and you have to do it, either way. The chasing makes him run further away. Chase yourself and your needs. I bet you can make some friends easily by signing up at a gym and taking classes. Youll GAL, improve yourself and thats time giving you both space

Originally Posted by pharm75
I've always had a problem depending on people to fill voids in my life and in fact every single relationship I've ever had has come to an end because of that dependency in my insecurities so I know that it's something I need to change for me because it will just continue if I ever have another relationship again and I don't want that.

How can you root out the insecurities? Something to think about as vulnerable as it'll make you feel.

Originally Posted by pharm75
I want my marriage to work that's what I do know I think it is sort of a bit tragic to see 2 people who genuinely do love each other have to end because of problems like this. I know deep in my heart he still cares about me and I wouldn't say that if I didn't really think it. I guess I agree with a lot of people here in that I don't like the word divorce I don't like giving up its not something I want for my life. I do agree that quite a bit of space is needed for both of us and this is just from my point of view. I wish that he felt the same way and I struggle because I don't want to for someone who truly wants to be away from me.


How he feels today is exactly that...today. You're like me...I feel and believe my W love me still. Do we truly know that? We may be projecting. Like you I hope its not the case but it could be. He may do the same thing. My W thought for awhile that I was ready to D her. I wasnt but she assures me I gave off the vibe. I didnt. She's projecting. Try cadets links, learn validation, boundaries, appreciate yourself and get to the gym. Thank yourself for the time you are giving you. It'll go a long way no matter the outcome.


H36, W37
D4, S1
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: Please help [Re: Core] #2889124
03/12/20 05:17 PM
03/12/20 05:17 PM
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pharm75 Offline OP
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I have just read through another one of your posts and I think you are right we sort of have a similar situation. I sometimes wonder who exactly my husband is... I wonder if it's me being abusive or him or both. I've never hit him and he is never had me but we have sure said some completely awful things to each other and streamed in each other's faces and throwing things at the wall that doesn't happen often but it has happened in when it gets dirty it gets dirty.



You mentioned in your other post that your wife stonewalled you for several months and that is exactly what I have been through and it is the one thing they can make me a nasty person is someone that pretends that I do not exist and someone that doesn't validate how I feel even when I tell them that what they are doing hurts they decide to do it more.



I also wonder if your wife would ever be someone to be on a forum like this? The fact that she wrote a letter about you one time signals that she at least has some sort of introspection even if it's blaming you. On my end my husband would not be caught dead on a site like this he wouldn't have Enough care to be exploring these sites. He just seems like he has an amazing ability to shut down and completely tune everything out. Sometimes I wonder when he tells me that he does care and that he does think about certain things if it's really just an act because he certainly does not show it and I've never caught him trying to look up ways to better us or himself... it's always been me.

Re: Please help [Re: pharm75] #2889130
03/12/20 05:49 PM
03/12/20 05:49 PM
Joined: May 2019
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unchien Offline
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pharm ~

Sometimes relationships can be mutually emotionally abusive. Especially between two people with insecurities. It sounds like you are struggling with this question - how much he contributed, and how much you contributed. \

What you can do with the time and space right now is work on yourself. What are the personal issues that are contributing to your role in the conflict? That work on yourself will only benefit you going forward towards becoming more secure. And the more secure you are, the more you can function well even in difficult relationships where the other person has not changed.

What you won't be able to do is instigate change in your H. It sounds like he needs to go through some deep personal work as well for things to change for the better. You have ZERO control over this process. And ultimately it will be up to you to decide how long to stick it out.

Just to be crystal clear, I am not here to judge you or accuse you of anything. I have no idea, and often the labels attached to situations muddy the waters. I'm just giving some food for thought because the questions you struggle with are ones that I have also struggled with.

Re: Please help [Re: pharm75] #2889135
03/12/20 06:14 PM
03/12/20 06:14 PM
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Originally Posted by pharm75
I get so angry that we both have such messed up pasts that have interfered with our marriage.
That is all of us. Channel that anger into fixing you. Focus on your personal growth. You spouse is a mirror reflecting things back to you.

Let go of the need to control him. Let go of the need to argue with him. Love him now that you see all his flaws.


I have heard "I hate you dad" and seen the burning anger in each of my children's eyes. I have responded with something similar to this "Yes, I can see that, and it is OK. I still love you". Works with spouses as well.


It is the way they feel. Our job is to understand that with compassion and understanding. Might be really hard to wrap your mind around.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: Please help [Re: pharm75] #2889290
03/13/20 08:34 PM
03/13/20 08:34 PM
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pharm75 Offline OP
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He isnt acting rageful anymore but that is because I have stopped bugging him.

He seems calm, which is what he wanted "peace"... he makes small talk. Only about things that are important. He texted about our taxes for instance.

What do I do now??? I feel the most longing need to reach out to him but I know it would be a terrible mistake.

1. Do I just ignore him?

2. If he approaches me do I make it one word answers?

3. I asked him by text to borrow his truck to bring over a large item from my mom's home... he replied that we can do it this weekend. Do I just tell him I need the truck but I can do it on my own?


If he does ask me for help with something do I help him? I havent got the book yet Divorce Remedy so i have no idea what to do in certain situations.

Re: Please help [Re: pharm75] #2889300
03/13/20 09:28 PM
03/13/20 09:28 PM
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LovingIt Offline
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Originally Posted by pharm75


1. Do I just ignore him?



Depends...

If it's important business matters like taxes, then do not ignore him.

If it's non-important matters, you don't have to respond right away, or even all the time.

Do not initiate contact or pursue.


Originally Posted by pharm75


2. If he approaches me do I make it one word answers?




Depends...

If it's important business matters like taxes, then have a normal adult conversation as you would at work.

If it's non-important matters, listen and validate.

Do not initiate contact or pursue. Don't be so available all the time, focus on yourself... hobbies, working out.


Originally Posted by pharm75


3. I asked him by text to borrow his truck to bring over a large item from my mom's home... he replied that we can do it this weekend. Do I just tell him I need the truck but I can do it on my own?

If he does ask me for help with something do I help him? I havent got the book yet Divorce Remedy so i have no idea what to do in certain situations.



If you can move the item on your own, then do it own your own. Show him you are independent, and that you don't need him. It will help you build confidence, and it's attractive.


(I'm not 100% certain on this next one... so let's see what other vets suggest here)

If he asks you for help, and it's something that really needs help then help him. But make him fit your schedule, you are busy doing your own stuff.





Last edited by LovingIt; 03/13/20 09:33 PM.
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