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I get that you explained what you meant and I know you didn’t mean it from a bad place. My point was that is her kid and if you say stuff like that it is not going to be well-received, just like if someone said it to you about your kids. Our defenses immediately go up when someone disses our kid, even if they were trying to be helpful.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
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I get that although if she said that about my daughter I would probably agree unless it really wasn't true.


Married 14, Together 17
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M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
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Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
I told the Doc last Sunday he was a p$ssy. That didn't go over to well although she understood what I was trying to say. I apologized and told her it was poor word choice. It did come out wrong and I felt bad although a few days ago she told him to grow a pair. smile
Sounds like she's aware of the issue and agrees. It's tough when you're around other people's kids, especially in a position of authority / and for lack of a better word - leadership.

Tough I think for both the kids and the adults. I presume that the kids find themselves on a shifting ground of expectations and rules and the adults have some difficulty with there being another voice and set of attitudes that may be inconsistent with how they've been operating for yours. I suppose kind of like when a new boss comes in but you still have the same foreman. Who is actually in charge?

I'm trying to deal with this by saying "not my kid" which is easier with teens and up. And even so, find myself biting my tongue on a fairly regular basis. The issues get dealt with. Not necessarily in the way I would have done it. And the kids are learning - albeit somewhat slowly that they can't play us off against each other and that "Mom" is still firmly in charge. Younger kids are a lot harder.

How are your girls doing otherwise? Are they seeing anyone to talk things through with? Do they have friends who've gone through divorce and are thriving? This social distancing must be tough on them.


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She doesn't handle things the way I would sometimes and I do find myself biting my tongue as well. On the flip side I try to remember that I am sure she wants to correct my girls at times as well. That I don't handle things like she would.

My oldest can be bossy at times and there is a power struggle that occurs between the Docs son and her. She is 10 and is used to being the ring leader especially with my youngest. Her son is the only child so he used to doing what he wants and doesn't just fall in line with my 10 yr old. My 8 yr old is still not overly mature either so I do understand part of it.

He is a very smart little boy, just soft and doughy. No male role model in his life so the things he does to get approval or attention from the ladies in his life is all centered around what they approve of. Which is reading books, practicing his Spanish and reciting bible verses. Also propping him up on his ipad so they get quiet time. He is 8 and just played kick ball for the first time 2 days ago in the street with the neighborhood kids.

Unfortunately he just hasn't been allowed to be a boy. Yes, the Doc is very aware and I know that is one of her draws towards me. She is looking for someone to be a male role model for her son. He is just not to the point yet to where he looks up to anyone other than the 4 women in his life and seeking their approval.

My girls are doing well, we are not perfect social distancers. We went to this drive through animal park on Tuesday, have played outside with the neighbors, got some ice cream, shaved ice, and have been to the park several times. It has been a really crappy week though with it raining every day. My back yard is like a mud bog. They also have their technology, ipads, phones, etc. so they can talk to their friends

No more mention of their concerns about me getting married. They are acting like normal. We never did get them into therapy after our D as they signs of them struggling were not apparent. They do have friends that have went through D as well so they are familiar although they refer to it as mommy and daddy broke up. When they asked the other night I just told them that mommy and daddy couldn't be happy together. They are still too young for the complete truth which, after my period of self reflection, would also include the role that I played as well.

I think you can get away with "not my kid" until you are all living under one roof and realizing that your soon to be wife will not always be around. I think living together kind of forces that on you so obviously you both need to communicate in order to provide a unified front.

We are going over to the Docs house tonight as she wants to make cupcakes with the girls. Tomorrow she plans on going out to her ranch and the girls and I could certainly go with her but since they have been with her son all week my thought is that it might be good if everyone had a break.

The reason why I ended up watching her son was because I am off on vacation all week and thought it would save her money and additionally she is helping my oldest with some medical issues (nothing serious) and she does not charge me for anything she has done. So I guess in a way we have been some horse trading of services smile


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
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Go on to the You Tubes and search for Foghorn Leghorn Baseball. It's my image of you and the boy including the accents. Stereotypes can be fun laugh


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Haha...I will do it. He is not one of those jerk little boys he just needs to grow a pair. Those were the docs words not mine. He is just very controlling and will not try anything new for fear of failure or being vulnerable. He wont even play a board game if it puts him in a position to lose. He is very controlling about what he chooses to do and expose himself to.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
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I'm not a parenting expert by any means, but the way you describe him in the post above is more about the doc's parenting than the little boy's need to "grow a pair". It sounds to me like SHE has VERY high standards and he is afraid to not meet those as it may disappoint her. I would be interested to know how she handled being disappointed by him. Not at all saying she is a bad parent, mind you...just saying maybe it isn't all him.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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Yes, her standards are very high! She doesn't play. When he cries at school she takes away his candy. If he leaves crumbs on the floor she makes him get the dust buster and vacuum them up. If he picks out an easy Spanish book to read she make him get a more difficult one. If he doesn't remember all of his scriptures she makes him repeat until he gets them right. The other day she had him carry a box inside and he said it was too heavy. That's when she told him to grow a pair. She also mentioned to me that she told him he was getting fat. She is a perfectionist for sure.

Make me wonder what tests I had to pass. When it comes to me though, she treats me like a king!

So it certainly could be caused by her to some degree. He has control issues, even holds on to his stool.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
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No wonder the kid is scared to lose at a board game!

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Sounds like the Doc better sleep with one eye open lol.

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