I pondered across your thread this morning. I remember your name from before, but not your story. I am really sorry you find yourself in this situation. When I think back to the pain of my H being with OW and it being right in my face, I just shutter. It actually feels surreal and at the time I didn't think I could get through it. Of course I did, and you will too, even if our outcomes are different. I decided to post to offer you empathy because I understand the agony of knowing your H is with OW and also infatuated with her. It is like someone ripping you apart from the inside out and you might begin to question who you are, if your life as you knew it was ever real, and it can cause you to ruminate and spin with fear and pain. The advice here is often technique and goal driven, but I found that very hard to execute given the amount of depression and anxiety that was building up as things got worse.
I am saying all of this to you because I am reading that you are being hard on yourself. You are regretting engaging with him in too much conversation and texting and you are trying to validate more. From my perspective, you don't need to focus on any of that. I think you might be better off protecting yourself emotionally by creating as much space and distance as you can. I don't see anything good coming from your interactions with him. They are causing you more anxiety and self-doubt. You don't need that right now. Can you take the DB rules and principles of validating and put them on the back shelf for the time being? I also happen to think that when a person is abusing us (and I define adultery as a type of mental abuse) then validating does not serve a purpose and it anything it demonstrates weakness. When someone is all out harming you, first and foremost should come self protection and self preservation. Stay away from danger.
I recall in my sitch trying to follow the DB principles and then failing and ultimately feeling worse about myself. They became self defeating. I had too much fear, anxiety and depression. There is a lot of cookie cutter advice here, but some of our sitches are much more extreme than others. Ie, if your S picks up and leaves you for OP and then boasts about it, then that is different then them just saying they are unhappy in the M. The more extreme the behavior from them, the more difficult it can be to accept and deal with. The times I felt better about myself were when I just stayed away from him entirely and learned to drop the rope. You don't have to pretend to be strong and detached if you don't feel that way. You don't have to validate cr-p attitude and behavior from him. IMO, right now your focus should be on you and on your self protection and self preservation. You don't have to have conversations with him about anything other than logistics and that can be done in matter of fact emails. You do not have to validate anything. He does not have to know where you are at or how you feel about anything. He is not a safe person for you. You have the right to put up strong boundaries and protect yourself. He is not a safe person to have in your life at all.
I am truly sorry this is so hard right now. Please take care of yourself as best you can. Create space away from a person that is no longer safe for you. Surround yourself with people that you trust and that love you and care for you. Build new relationships with people that are supportive and strong. Celebrate yourself and your own strengths. Find GAL that are therapeutic and help you work through the grief. Just grieve. Have faith that in time, you will come out on the other side, and perhaps a stronger version of yourself.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Not sure about you, but my principles do not allow me to respect a lying cheater.
He said I have accused him of sleeping with others but I have done plenty to twist the knife in his back.
I stated it must have been awful to feel that I've twisted the know in your back and even more so that I was so completely unaware.
He replied something him seeing me trying to take pride in myself using the tredclimber in earnest... which I should have been doing all along... then about how another twist was he wanted to move to the other bed and I blocked it with items.
So he feels that now I want to get in shape and get my self esteem back --- that was knife twisting in the back... like if I just would have done that 6months ago he would still be with me??? He feels betrayed???
Not sure about you, but my principles do not allow me to respect a lying cheater.
He said I have accused him of sleeping with others but I have done plenty to twist the knife in his back.
I stated it must have been awful to feel that I've twisted the know in your back and even more so that I was so completely unaware.
He replied something him seeing me trying to take pride in myself using the tredclimber in earnest... which I should have been doing all along... then about how another twist was he wanted to move to the other bed and I blocked it with items.
So he feels that now I want to get in shape and get my self esteem back --- that was knife twisting in the back... like if I just would have done that 6months ago he would still be with me??? He feels betrayed???
You are putting too much validity in what he is saying. He will say anything right now. Lying for him is second nature. Don't believe it.
And I always find it rich when liars and cheaters feel betrayed....
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I had absolutely no business in contacting him at all today. The space and time I was giving him and pulling back made him think... made him question... made him check in on me...
Now he feels even more justified to be in this PA.
I guess some H's come out of it and want to reconcile but many do not.
Your right. I miss my H. I miss the man he was with me but while it is all not my fault I see clearly where I lapsed and my neediness pushed him right out the door into something he was willing to leave and start anew.
I let my friend share these things and it stewed in me till I reached for him for reassurance... reassurrance that no one goes fishing on my boat but him and me... no one sits behind him on his Harley but me... AND, he is just laughing and throwing it my face how dare I think he would bring her to my house... how low do I think he is????
I had absolutely no business in contacting him at all today. The space and time I was giving him and pulling back made him think... made him question... made him check in on me...
Now he feels even more justified to be in this PA.
I guess some H's come out of it and want to reconcile but many do not.
Your right. I miss my H. I miss the man he was with me but while it is all not my fault I see clearly where I lapsed and my neediness pushed him right out the door into something he was willing to leave and start anew.
I let my friend share these things and it stewed in me till I reached for him for reassurance... reassurrance that no one goes fishing on my boat but him and me... no one sits behind him on his Harley but me... AND, he is just laughing and throwing it my face how dare I think he would bring her to my house... how low do I think he is????
I do not put it past someone that would break their most sacred wedding vows and cheat on their spouse to not have any boundaries related to this. So yes, I believe he would be low enough to bring her to your house. Why wouldn't he be that low, at this point he can't get much lower.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My neediness is kicking into overdrive... AND he can sense it...
I have to get myself under control.
I just dip into theses thoughts as he is kicking back each little grind... not keeping up with him on diamond head... 4yr ago??? I waited too long to get life insurance... I had some but I got denied... honestly didn't think I would ever get approved due to weird congenital defect that has NEVER impacted my life.
Where are the good things??? The crazy stuff we did together???
It makes me feel like there is nothing special about me. Nothing worth that he would ever give a second thought that I really miss this girl.
That is called "rewriting history". Have you read Divorce Remedy? This is classic WAS, WS stuff. My W claimed she had never been happy for one second in our 19 years of marriage. All the negative things that I had done were repeated. No positives. Just like he is doing to you.
It is all the fantasy fog. He has to convince himself that you are terrible to justify the awful and terrible decisions he is making. It is a coping mechanism of sorts.
But the worst thing you can do is reason with him. Just let it go. His current perception is his reality, no matter how rooted in fantasy it is.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It makes me feel like there is nothing special about me. Nothing worth that he would ever give a second thought that I really miss this girl.
Casting you as a Villain in his story makes it easier to live with his choices.
Originally Posted by KitCat
not keeping up with him on diamond head... 4yr ago???
"Diamond Head Summit Trail" - 1.6-1.8mi, 250-450' elevation gain. Reviews say short and easy EXCEPT the steps which are described as challenging. Can't imagine your going "slowly" or "quickly" on such a short trail would make or break his day--we're talking 20min (fast) vs. 60min (slow). Slower company means more time to savor views and wildflowers. I hike daily and wouldn't care unless you asked me to wait for you.
