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(((MoGirl))). My XH was engaged before he even admitted OW was his girlfriend and not his roommate. I get the anger. I get the betrayal. I get wanting to confront him. My advice would be similar to Wooba’s. Sit with it for awhile. Figure out what it is you hope would happen if you confronted him. If you hope it will change something, I probably wouldn’t do it if I were you as likely it would only push him further away and help him further justify his actions.

Having said that, I did end up confronting my XH. In hindsight, I guess it allowed me to vent a bit and it was somewhat cathartic because I cried in that meeting more than I did the entire time I was “grieving”. I do cringe a bit when I think about it though. I hate that he had that much effect on my mental state at the time and, even more so, I hate that he knew it. And, at the end of the day, my actions changed nothing. We got divorced and they are still getting married.

The good news is that I am WAY over it and happier than I have been in YEARS. There is life after divorce. I wouldn’t have believed it two years ago but I know better now. Don’t be afraid to let your lying cheater go. I did and it was the best decision I could have made. (((HUGS)))

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I can't nice H back and when I call him on his B.S., he gets angry and threatens me with we're done, we're not going to talk or see each other again.

I calmly told him that I knew about his and OW secret FB page, and he flips out and tells me he doesn't know what I'm talking about, and then proceeds to tell me he interviewed for a job on the east coast (we live in the Midwest) and he was undecided about taking it but now I have pushed him over the edge with this accusation and he's definitely done. He says he is stressed and his blood pressure is so high that I am going to give him a heart attack. Whatever...his stress is self-imposed. Honestly, I did not go snooping for their secret FB pages. My daughter found them and told me. Then I couldn't help myself and snooped. Ugh!!!!! Not blaming her. I am taking responsibility for my part. I could have left that info alone and never looked at it....but I didn't and here we are.

I don't want a divorce. I want to try and fix this, even if it doesn't work out at least I can say I tried. Now he's leaving and I will never get the opportunity. I'm so stupid...and pathetic...and needy..and desperate. Why can't I let this/him go? It's been 8 months and I'm tired.

I don't want to be alone. I want to be in a relationship with someone who loves me and respects me. I'm so scared of never finding love again that I am willing to settle for a lying, cheating, disrespectful @$$hole, who doesn't give a $h!t about me.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
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I calmly told him that I knew about his and OW secret FB page, and he flips out and tells me he doesn't know what I'm talking about, and then proceeds to tell me he interviewed for a job on the east coast (we live in the Midwest) and he was undecided about taking it but now I have pushed him over the edge with this accusation and he's definitely done


He knows you know. Bring it up again if you'd like to repeat this pattern.

I know he hurt you and so does he, but right now he does not want to acknowledge it. He may never. You have to prepare to live with that reality.

I don't know your whole sitch, but being an attractive woman usually involves certain behaviors. You want to save your marriage? Find out what is universally attractive and work on that. Then refine it to what works for your sitch. Get in shape, be happy, GAL, and grow yourself into a success no matter what your H chooses in the end.

Also, it helps to put your stats into your signature line if you know how to do that.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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MoGirl. Reading your words takes me back to the days I was really struggling. I don’t know if this will help you but I had a series of quotes that I kept in my phone and I would read them whenever I felt myself spinning with the dire predictions about being alone for the rest of my life. The thing is...those are just fears...our worst thoughts. They are not the reality.

One quote that helped in particular was this one... “He REPRESENTS stability, validation, and a resumption of your ability to have control over your future. That is really what you want. You want what he represents to you based on where you are right now. Step back and realize he is NOT those things.”

Another one I found really helpful... “It is truly a frightening thing to face, see, and embrace the unknown but you can do this. All it takes is opening your mind and heart to the vast, and endless possibilities of what you can become within yourself.”

And last but not least...something I wrote as a kind of instruction to myself...”If you are angry and feeling impulsive, breathe...write...scream...move. Just take a step back and think. Does this fit with my long term goals? Dignity and grace. Dignity and grace.”

Start a collection and read them often. It really does help. Imagine yourself whole and healed a year or two from now and then think about what you want to be able to look back and remember about your journey...because that’s what this is...a journey. I never wanted a divorce. I thought I had gotten it right and would be with my H until I died. Letting go of that idea was much, much harder than letting go of him...if that makes any sense.

Now that I have made it to the other side, I feel very blessed to have gone through what I did. I’ve done things I would haven’t done if I was still with him. Met new people. Made new friends. Strengthened existing friendships. Became closer with my kids and other family members. I have a better relationship with myself too. I know now that I am really strong and can get through anything. I like the person I have become and I am happy. You can get there too MoGirl. You just have to let go of the fear and the doubt and ultimately, you have to let go of your H. Maybe he will come back but you can’t focus on that or make that the goal. The focus needs to be on you. The goal needs to be to get you back. I know it’s hard but I promise you, it will be worth the effort. (((HUGS)))

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How do you drop expectations? My H hasn't filed for D which gives me hope that he is having second thoughts. I've learned from the vets around here that this means nothing because usually the WS is too lazy to file. It has nothing to do with second guessing their decision. My question.....how do I break this habit of feeling hopeful and having expectations? Does this all relate to GAL? If I was really GAL and practicing NC, the expectations amd feelings of hopefulness would go away?


@Deja, thank you for your support and words of encouragement. When I start to spin and want to act out , I ask myself if this behaviour aligns with "dignity and grace."


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 48
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It has been a while since my last post. Quick recap of my sitch:

Married 23 years and in Dec 2019 H told me ILYBNILWY but stated he wanted to work on the R. Of course he never made any appointments for MC and I did all the research but he would never commit to going. Then in Feb 2020, he went out of the country to see OW without telling anyone where he was going. I was worried sick and called all our family and friends. Then I found an old cell phone that he used to communicate with her and that's how I found out about the affair. It was going on for 3 years and she was his parent's housekeeper. The OW was 18 when it all began, which makes me sick to my stomach because even though she is of legal age (by U.S. standards) it makes me sick to think my H in his 40's is interested and having sex with someone younger than our daughter

A year has passed and I am in a better place but it has taken me a long time to get here. We sold the marital property back in August and we each have our own apartment. I still haven't told my extended family that we are getting a divorce. They all live out of state so it has been easier not to share. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that my husband left me for a young girl. Mentally, I know this is all about him and not me, but I feel like there is something wrong with me that caused him to stop loving me.

This has really taken its toll on my self esteem. Before the BD, we were still having sex but he would have problems keeping an erection. This would not happen all of the time, but it did happen quite frequently. At the time I thought it was a medical issue and encouraged him to go see a doctor but he would brush it off. It all made sense after I found out about the OW. After BD, he told me that his erection problems were due to him not feeling "emotionally connected" to me. I have accepted that we will get a divorce, and I went NC in October, which has helped me tremendously. I am spending time with my daughter and friends, GAL'ing as much as I can due to Covid restrictions in my area, but I am still struggling with these feelings of rejection. Reconciliation is not on the table and I'm fine with that because I could never trust him again or have sex with him again after what he has done, but I feel like I need his validation to prove I am a good and attractive person.

I know this is immature but I want him to want me, so I can reject him.

Last edited by MoGirl; 12/17/20 06:57 PM. Reason: grammar

Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
Joined: May 2020
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Hi MoGirl! I'm glad you are doing better.

I want you to see clearly who he really is. Not any sort of romanticized or excused version of him. One thing that helped me was to have a page in my journal (or in notes on your phone). Where I would write reality and when I wavered would force me to see reality. Whatever works for you and applies to your sitch. For me they were things like:
My husband is willing to live a double life.
My husband lied in order to get what he wanted.
My husband makes me feel guilty in order to shut me down or get what he wants.
My husband was willing to hurt his children to in order to get what he wanted.
My husband let our children hang out with a woman he was cheating on their mother with.
My husband was devious and had secret apps and a secret stream of money.
Etc.
Etc.

Write them down when they come to you. It's pretty hard to look at that and make excuses. Reality is ugly. NOW if my H had a change of heart and was working to make it right, then I would be able to write other things below.

I want you to see clearly in a post you wrote earlier how much he uses you as his fallback excuse and uses it to emotionally manipulate you. He does not own his decisions or problems. He doesn't take personal responsibility and instead blames it on you. He's not nice to you. How attractive is that? If you your daughter told you all of this about someone she was with, what would you tell her? What would you want for her? I see that he beats you down so you are more needy and compliant. I hope this is allowed, if not I will delete it. But one thing that helped me was a book called Love Addiction by Pia Mellody. Dude. So good. It explains why we keep coming back for me and how to heal that. It has helped me tremendously to detach and make a shift.

I also want you to work on your self-esteem. I had the sex-erection issue w my H also. Him having issues and me having no clue he is deep in an affair. He now has rejected me for sex. I used to feel so depressed and rejected and worthless. I've been able to make a huge shift. The way I did it was to change my thought process. As soon as the thought/memory would pop in my head I would think, "Well, his loss!" "I'm hot and enjoy sex and other men would appreciate that in a heartbeat. this is his issue, not mine." "He is nuts to reject me. I feel sorry for him." MoGirl, it took some time, but it worked. I actually feel better about myself because of it. Your brain will believe what you tell it, so be very careful about what you tell it. When I start sliding into fear and depression, I immediately start affirming myself with truths: I am going to be just fine no matter what. It's my life, and I will be happy. Whatever resonates for you. Don't give him so much power over your happiness.

Reality also says an 18 year old is not going to stay with him long. When she uses up what she needs or when sometime else better comes along, she will be gone. Tell yourself, "who cares, she can have him. Good luck, sista."

I know you don't want a divorce. Me either. My husband doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me. I am following the DB rules for me. If it works for my relationship, then that will be a happy plus. But if not, I will be more healthy and okay. Do you pray? One thing I pray for is for God to open my eyes and see what I need to see. To help me see who he really is and reality. It has worked. I still struggle too. But these things help. Hang in there and celebrate your progress.


me: 46 h: 49
m: 24 T: 27
DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
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Mo, welcome back. Sorry you are still struggling. Are you in IC? Feeling that his problem is somehow a reflection on you is very common, but not healthy. Do you know who Ali Landry is? She is an absolutely gorgeous actress and model. She married Mario Lopez (AC Slater from Saved By The Bell) several years ago, but 2 weeks later filed for annulment when she found out he had cheated on her just days before the wedding. Shania Twain, another gorgeous woman was cheated on by her husband Mutt Lange.

The point? Some men are going to cheat no matter what. A 40+ year-old with a chance at an 18 year-old, unfortunately a majority of men would be tempted to jump at that. Especially one with a wandering eye with a penchant for cheating.

As I tell others, we don't get to control others, but we do get to control how we respond to what comes our way. Get into IC and work through this. Know your own value. Know that sometimes people just cheat because they want to cheat. It is a sad reality that has existed since the beginning of human history.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Mo... I'm 51... AND I've got dating options... so will you at 40 will have no problem getting back out there when you are ready.

Its NOT the life I thought I had a year ago... but I still have a life... just a little different. Not entirely bad... just different.

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Hello, Mo. I became a DBer four months ago and all I will say is this. Stay in touch with us on a regular basis, it really helps. Also, GAL and begin working on your 180s; these apply whether you are trying to hold the R together or moving on. Just putting my 180s down on paper on posting them here made for some productive (and spirited) discussion. Even of one's ex is a MLA, we all have 180s to work on.

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