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MoGirl Offline OP
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I'm bumping my thread up to see if anyone will answer my question. So many of us are at home and posting. I keep getting lost in the shuffle. Thanks for any feedback.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
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Mo... I don't think my answer would be what a vet would state but please know I feel your confusion and stress. Being at home just gives us more time to stew about any interaction we are getting from our WAS.

Sometimes I read this board and I get terribly jealous because LBS are getting some interaction from their S. They get the I miss you, the I love you, I don't want a D... or a touch or a hug. I have a S who has not made any contact at all in 5 days and who hasn't been in the home in 2 weeks.

I get that many S cake eat or drop breadcrumbs and that we are not to settle for that... but what does it mean when there are no breadcrumbs???

I don't want to give you false hope over the hug - maybe it was guilt or he sees the hurt he is causing you.

I'm sorry I don't have the right answer but I don't want you to feel lost in the shuffle... in my thoughts and hugs!

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Originally Posted by MoGirl
My husband tried to give me a hug today when he left. I refused it. Did I do the right thing? I felt like it was a sympathy hug because although I didn't cry, my eyes did tear up. He didn't say anything. He just walked out of the house. Now I'm second guessing myself. Should I have said something like " as long as you're still seeing the OW , you can't expect to be affectionate with me" I'm second guessing myself.

Any advice?


You did fine refusing his hug. Nothing wrong with that. You are right, if he's seeing OW then he should expect ZERO affection from you. But don't TELL him that, show him through your actions (such as refusing a hug).

WAS's do this thing I call the "WAS hug" after BD. They hug you from the side instead of the front, and/ or pat your back like you're a distant relative they haven't seen in a while I HATE those pity hugs! After getting those from my WAS for a while I just quit trying to hug her. Then when she started coming in for hugs I turned it around and gave HER the WAS hug, LOL!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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MoGirl Offline OP
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H will be back this weekend to work on the house. He will only be here one night instead of two. That's probably for the best because night's see to be the worst. I am tempted to go in his room and crawl in bed with him and snuggle like old times. However, I know that time has passed and it's over.

I'm not really sure how to act when he is here. Last weekend we went and picked-up dinner together, ate together, and even watched tv together. Was this a mistake on my part? He is the one who asked me what I wanted for dinner. He even cooked breakfast for me. I don't want him to mistake my friendliness for acceptance of what he has done or forgiveness. I want to leave the door open for a chance at recon in the future, but I also don't want him to think I'm okay with this. I don't want to be a doormat or plan B.

This is so confusing.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 48
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MoGirl Offline OP
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It's been a little over a month since I found out about the OW. I still feel sick, depressed, and anxious. I've had 2 sessions with IC. I didn't like the first and it took a few weeks to find another one. I really liked my first session with the new one and have another appt scheduled for Monday.

I've read DB, all the homework assignments on Cadet's welcome thread, yet I'm still struggling. I fluctuate between depression and anger. I feel so lonely and isolated. I made my husband my life. We did everything together. I have a few people I consider friends, but not close enough to share what I'm going through. I'm so embarrassed and humiliated. I feel like a piece of trash he discarded. He's so deep in his fantasy world right now that he doesn't realize how he has hurt our D. The OW is younger than D. Does this R with OW even stand a chance? The age difference is ridiculous. I've read all of their texts and they are so juvenile. Their texts are all about how much they love each other and of course SEX. Nothing significant or meaningful. I just don't understand how this could have happened. WTH is he thinking. I don't know if this is a MLC or if he is just a disgusting, selfish pig. If i had not found the evidence, how long would he have continued to string me along? He was pretending to work on our R, and was communicating with her all along. She lives in another country and they see each other every 6 months. When will this R play out?

Besides going to work, I spend my day in bed. I don't know how to GAL. I'm so alone. Sometimes I want to go to sleep and never wake up because I'm tired of living in pain. I hate this feeling of rejection. I keep asking myself "why am I not good enough"? Why am I not worth fighting for? He doesn't love me. I have to accept this, but it's just so hard. I've loved him since I was 23. I can't imagine being with anyone else. I'm scared. Scared of being alone, and scared I will never find companionship again. I want someone to love me.

If we are to believe nothing they say and only 50% of their actions, how do I know if it's true when he says ILYBNILWY? Is he too deep in the affair fog/ lust that he doesn't know what he's feeling. According to his texts with OW, he is a new man. He's been searching for a love like this since his TEENS? WTH? He's 45 years old. Why is he referring to his teens? SMH. I just don't understand what is going on with him. What happened to the person I thought he was??


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 48
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MoGirl Offline OP
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I'm so sad today. All I want to do is cry. H is here working on the house. I'm trying to distance myself from him because I am very tempted to discuss our R, his A and the OW21. If I do it, I'll regret it later and it will only make me feel worse. I want to tell him that he's being such a fool. Does he really think anything will come of this? She's too young for him. Honestly, I'm not sure if she is 21 - she may be 20. Ugh.

This hurts so bad. I just can't believe this is my life now. It is so hard to accept. My husband is leaving me for someone so young. What in the hell is wrong with him? I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel like a piece of garbage he has tossed out. I have read all of their messages. He told her he has been looking for a love like this since his teens? What? He's a 45 year old grown man, we have been married for 23 years. What in the He!! is he talking about? Does he even know what he is talking about. I'm so afraid we are going to get a D and he is going to marry her. He doesn't care how my D23 will fee. This OW is younger than our daughter. I get it that she made him feel young and lustful again, but love? Come on, this is not love. This is lust. The Affair Fog.

I feel so devastated and hopeless..

Why am I not good enough?


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 586
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Originally Posted by MoGirl
So my question is this all BS? He seems to be all over the place. Is this why we don't believe anything they say? I know he's still talking to her and has a trip planned in May to go see her. I asked him not to go. He didn't respond.

Hi MoGirl, I haven’t read your whole thread so I will just answer to your question in a general way. I think...we don’t believe in what they say because 99.9% of the time they don’t know either. They are a mess. They might claim one thing but flip flop back to something completely opposite next week. And you asking him to not go- is pursuing. You cannot control what he does. Therefore you should not ask that of him.

Originally Posted by MoGirl
My husband tried to give me a hug today when he left. I refused it. Did I do the right thing? I felt like it was a sympathy hug because although I didn't cry, my eyes did tear up. He didn't say anything. He just walked out of the house. Now I'm second guessing myself. Should I have said something like " as long as you're still seeing the OW , you can't expect to be affectionate with me" I'm second guessing myself.

Any advice?

If you are up to it, I don’t see the harm in receiving a hug. But if you know it’s going to mess with your head, than don’t force it. Don’t over-analyze everything, you will drive yourself nuts. That’s a boundary you need to decide for yourself.

HTH!


BD: Sep 2019
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Originally Posted by wooba
Originally Posted by MoGirl
So my question is this all BS? He seems to be all over the place. Is this why we don't believe anything they say? I know he's still talking to her and has a trip planned in May to go see her. I asked him not to go. He didn't respond.

Hi MoGirl, I haven’t read your whole thread so I will just answer to your question in a general way. I think...we don’t believe in what they say because 99.9% of the time they don’t know either. They are a mess. They might claim one thing but flip flop back to something completely opposite next week. And you asking him to not go- is pursuing. You cannot control what he does. Therefore you should not ask that of him.

Originally Posted by MoGirl
My husband tried to give me a hug today when he left. I refused it. Did I do the right thing? I felt like it was a sympathy hug because although I didn't cry, my eyes did tear up. He didn't say anything. He just walked out of the house. Now I'm second guessing myself. Should I have said something like " as long as you're still seeing the OW , you can't expect to be affectionate with me" I'm second guessing myself.

Any advice?

If you are up to it, I don’t see the harm in receiving a hug. But if you know it’s going to mess with your head, than don’t force it. Don’t over-analyze everything, you will drive yourself nuts. That’s a boundary you need to decide for yourself.

HTH!


Hi Mo, I know how it feels to have someone all over the place, and while I'm by far not experienced or anything, I agree with woomba that, at least for me, the reason I've tried not to lean in to everything my WAH says is because he is a mess, doesn't know what he wants, and can flip on a dime. I know how hard that is when the negative flip comes, because it's hard to accept that positive signs have permanence, and very easy to think that the negative signs are locked in. I've struggled a lot with that over the past few days, and I just keep trying to tell myself that I don't have control, and that I have to ride the wave. So much easier said than done, right?

I also know how you feel about a husband trying for a hug or other signs of affection. Mine did it week before last and I almost said no, but I let it happen. I don't regret it, but now that it seems he's flipping back to "I don't know if this will end in divorce," I don't like how I feel when the hope drops out from under me. I've fallen prone to overanalyzing it over the past few days, and am trying to get myself out of that head space and back on me. I noticed when I managed to detach -- and you'll know when you really are, if only for a little while -- I started to feel better, and then my WAH reappeared with some positivity again towards our future. I'm not saying to detach because of that, I only mention it because the timing is almost funny, in a twisted sort of way.

Anyway, I feel for you. Hugs and support coming your way.


I'm 40, H is 36. No kids. No infidelity of which I'm aware.
Mini BD January 2020 -- not sure if he wants to try anymore
BD March 2020 -- separation
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MoGirl Offline OP
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@ Wooba: Thanks for calling me out on the pursuing, and reminding me that I cannot control him. I needed to hear that. I haven't mentioned it again. He's scheduled to go the last week of May. I'm hoping to "mentally" be in a better place by then.

@ Beth1112: I felt like I was starting to detach just a bit, then he came home for the weekend to repair the house and we get along so well that I start to get hopeful. Guess I need to work on having no expectations as well as detaching.

That's where I find myself right now. Today has been a good day of no contact. I did not spend the day obsessing over him or the OW. I have to admit that I'm still checking his text/call/data log. Only 3 times a day, instead of every hour. That's progress, I think. LOL. Baby steps. Detaching for a few hours or one day is better than nothing at all.

I thank you both for your support. ((hugs))


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 48
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MoGirl Offline OP
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Today was a struggle. I woke-up feeling sad, but was able to make it through the morning. I was hoping to ride the wave of grief for a few minutes and let it go. Unfortunately, it stuck with me for a few hours. I called my mother for some emotional support and it turned into an argument. She tells me to stop crying, I'm acting like a baby. I told her she has no idea what I'm going through because she's been married to the same man for 50 years.

Today my anger and disappointment is focused on my in-law and SIL. They all know what has happened and they haven't reached out to me or my daughter. It makes me so angry, and it hurts too. I've known them for 24 years and have made sacrifices to help them out during their own hardships and I don't even get a phone call, a text, NOTHING!!

Yesterday was NC with H. We work for the same organization so he reached out to me on skype about a repairman coming to the house this Friday. I gave him a simple reply. Then he tries to engage me in a conversation. I don't want to be his FRIEND. Maybe he does this to ease his own conscience. Who knows.....

My mood is better this evening. Maybe I needed a good cry. It's been a few days.

I'm going to start working out tomorrow. I think it will help release some of my anxiety and help me with my mood swings.

I hope everyone is taking care. Stay safe.


Me: 47 H: 45
T: 24 M:23
D23
BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY
BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country)
Current R status: Separated.
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