It sounds like separation vs. divorce is very important to you. Like Steve, I also question if applying pressure there--when dropping pressure is usually more helpful for reconciliation or moving on--is worthwhile. Not everyone agrees with every tenet of DB'ing, and that's fine, just putting that out there.
Take care and hope your day is active and fulfilling.
I'm trying to focus on work and not where/what H is doing or when he might show up back at the house.
I guess ultimately it doesn't matter S or D.
He has crossed a line that I put out in our M before we were M. I really should move on because the worst of it is he continues to lie about it.
I think once things are D I would have moved on. We would have no reason to contact one another --- we would just move further away.
For him things have deteriorated so badly I know he can't see much except that he had fallen madly in love and had the utmost respect for me at one time. But, those are gone.
I'm having to sort out some finances. He needs to pay me X for his car insurance, gym and cell phone. I'm sure he has spent whatever he had on her.
I will work on NOT texting him OR calling him. I hate the fact that I always have to get the last word in. I want to leave him hanging - not the other way around. I was so empowered last Saturday. He snooped on me... lol. And, called for no reason.
I will get to a church on Sunday. Its not my norm but it would be a place to go with people. I will keep exercising. I will stay in contact with friends. My closet friends are not in the near area so that stinks.
I will spend time focusing on life as a single person and hopefully by the end of the weekend I can take off my ring.
I will work on NOT texting him OR calling him. I hate the fact that I always have to get the last word in. I want to leave him hanging - not the other way around. I was so empowered last Saturday. He snooped on me... lol. And, called for no reason.
Commit to not texting or calling (and even talking) . Nothing is urgent. You can take as much time as you require to do anything. You can deflect anything you need to if pressured by him. "I have not decided" or "I need more time to process this" "I will let you know when I decide"
He is the one that broke the marriage vows, not you. Stop engaging with him and focus on protecting yourself. Emotionally, Financially, legally etc.....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm so sorry to read your updates. If he's having an affair that clarifies a lot of things for you. It's somewhat of a process to go from married and sharing your life with your husband who you love to suddenly cutting off contact with him and living like a single person. For years it was probably second nature for you to wake him up. You didn't even have to think twice about it. It's not easy to adapt to these new circumstances.
I recently went through a series of cleaning and organization projects in my home after realizing the systems in place here (or lack thereof) were causing things to get lost or piled up. It didn't get fixed in one afternoon however. It took weeks of moving things around, buying new furniture, donating things, and re-arranging everything before the new systems could go on auto-pilot mode. I feel like it must be similar in your situation - you have to re-program your thoughts, decide about your pets, consult an attorney, find new hobbies for yourself, and all that before your 'new' life will start to make sense.
It's sad and unfortunate this is happening because you sound like a wonderful person and your husband knows how great you are. He's acting the way he's acting to justify his affair and to avoid putting the blame on himself. He wants to enjoy his (hopefully short-lived) affair because that's what makes him happy in this moment but he's not taking into account the commitments he made to you when he married you. Sure he probably has resentment towards you for rejecting his advances or not agreeing to move closer to his work earlier or whatever the issues may be, however, cheating is not the honorable way to fix hardships within a marriage. If he tried everything possible and you two mutually agreed there's nothing else to try and then seek a divorce that's one thing. Being unhappy and having an affair is another.
If you made it clear that you won't accept cheating and you have proof he's cheating then for now it seems you're doing the right thing by following the DB book and planning for your life without him. I wish you wouldn't have to do this. I really appreciate your support to me and I hope I can be here for you during this difficult time. Just like me you were successful in saving your marriage the first time. You want to save your marriage a second time and that shows your commitment and willingness to honor your vows. You're a good person. I admire you and you have only my sympathy in dealing with a lying cheating husband and this bad situation you find yourself in.
I am glad to read that you asked him to move out. An affair is never okay. If you aren't happy, work on the R. Or leave with maturity and dignity and transparency. Lying and cheating just makes a bigger mess. When I found out about H's affair and all the lies, I said "you can't be here. you have to leave." It was a knee jerk thing I said in the moment but I don't regret it. Oh how I want him home. I miss him. But I know, for me, he can't be here unless he is all in and ready to work on the R... it hurts, doesn't it? And it is so scary. I don't know when the right time is for someone to remove their ring. I am still committed to my marriage and I didn't break vows and at least right now, I think to myself that I will keep wearing it until there is a divorce. It means something to me and symbolizes my commitment. (And currently there is no talk of S or D in my situation. My H is standing motionless like a deer in headlights.)
Hang in there and keep DBing. I know the heartbreak you must be feeling.
I'm so sorry to read your updates. If he's having an affair that clarifies a lot of things for you. It's somewhat of a process to go from married and sharing your life with your husband who you love to suddenly cutting off contact with him and living like a single person. For years it was probably second nature for you to wake him up. You didn't even have to think twice about it. It's not easy to adapt to these new circumstances.
I recently went through a series of cleaning and organization projects in my home after realizing the systems in place here (or lack thereof) were causing things to get lost or piled up. It didn't get fixed in one afternoon however. It took weeks of moving things around, buying new furniture, donating things, and re-arranging everything before the new systems could go on auto-pilot mode. I feel like it must be similar in your situation - you have to re-program your thoughts, decide about your pets, consult an attorney, find new hobbies for yourself, and all that before your 'new' life will start to make sense.
It's sad and unfortunate this is happening because you sound like a wonderful person and your husband knows how great you are. He's acting the way he's acting to justify his affair and to avoid putting the blame on himself. He wants to enjoy his (hopefully short-lived) affair because that's what makes him happy in this moment but he's not taking into account the commitments he made to you when he married you. Sure he probably has resentment towards you for rejecting his advances or not agreeing to move closer to his work earlier or whatever the issues may be, however, cheating is not the honorable way to fix hardships within a marriage. If he tried everything possible and you two mutually agreed there's nothing else to try and then seek a divorce that's one thing. Being unhappy and having an affair is another.
If you made it clear that you won't accept cheating and you have proof he's cheating then for now it seems you're doing the right thing by following the DB book and planning for your life without him. I wish you wouldn't have to do this. I really appreciate your support to me and I hope I can be here for you during this difficult time. Just like me you were successful in saving your marriage the first time. You want to save your marriage a second time and that shows your commitment and willingness to honor your vows. You're a good person. I admire you and you have only my sympathy in dealing with a lying cheating husband and this bad situation you find yourself in.
NR ---
Thank you for the most uplifting post. It was kind and more generous that it should have been. I know I will need to come back and re-read it several more times. Right now I think the reality it a bitter pill I have yet to swallow.
I sound like a wonderful person and I suppose I have the ability to be a wonderful person but truth is I haven't been as wonderful to my H as I should have been (and perhaps vice versa --- I suppose we just fed off one another at times. His exhaustion causing him to bark at me, then causing my withdraw or often times barking back. My barking back just validated his continued barking. I should have been the one to back off and know its sleep deprivation talking. If I had stepped back and stopped repeating his behavior and modeled calm loving behavior he would have eventually started to mirror my better behavior.)
I DB him before... I got sloppy in things that brought him back to me. I gained some weight back and when I would say it bothered me --- he would say then do something about it. That would have me dig in my heals and not do something. Perhaps if he had validated me, "I can see its be really wearing how you feel about yourself, what can I do to help" I would have buckled down my efforts to get back in my exercise routine OR even asked him to start walking with me. Instead I did nothing but let it continue to eat at me.
I think he is done at this point. He said himself he has been on empty for a long time and felt I wasn't listening to him. He clearly stated this time has more resolve to leave than in the past. He is convinced it only gets better for a couple of weeks and then it gets bad again. I understand why he feels that way but don't completely agree.
I promise to return and reread you message when my strength is a little better.
I am glad to read that you asked him to move out. An affair is never okay. If you aren't happy, work on the R. Or leave with maturity and dignity and transparency. Lying and cheating just makes a bigger mess. When I found out about H's affair and all the lies, I said "you can't be here. you have to leave." It was a knee jerk thing I said in the moment but I don't regret it. Oh how I want him home. I miss him. But I know, for me, he can't be here unless he is all in and ready to work on the R... it hurts, doesn't it? And it is so scary. I don't know when the right time is for someone to remove their ring. I am still committed to my marriage and I didn't break vows and at least right now, I think to myself that I will keep wearing it until there is a divorce. It means something to me and symbolizes my commitment. (And currently there is no talk of S or D in my situation. My H is standing motionless like a deer in headlights.)
Hang in there and keep DBing. I know the heartbreak you must be feeling.
Thanks for the support.
I have said he needs to move out but there is no time line. He technically is emotionally moved out. He is spending the next 4 days with her. He will be back at some point to cook for himself, do what little laundry remains here - I feel that clothes are accumulating at her place.
The hardest part is NOT knowing when he will and will not be here. I could be at a good place with some down time and he pulls into the driveway. My stomach is knots... is he to get clean clothes? is he here to work on the tub/shower? is he to sleep? I suppose he will show up Sunday but will he??? This is what causes some anxiety.
I'm doing lots of reading. Trying to reinforce skills that I last acquired and some how let slip from my fingers.
I realized today how I have been invalidating my H for years. I was being dismissive.
H: The commute is wearing me down. I can't stand the long drive. That's 2hr of my day that I can't do things I want to do.
Me: But I do all the cooking, laundry, cleaning, shopping and managing this household. I do all this because you commute.
H: [who is feeling that my statement above indicates that I feel that he has no ability to cook or clean] Comes back with fine I will do all my own cooking and my laundry. Take your name off my bank account I want to pay my own bills.
Me: [in defense mode] That's not what I feel is a marriage and I don't think I can be married like that. [We have common differences in up bringing. I was raised in a home and had friends/family where the wife handled the day to day finances and budgets for the family. He was raised in home where his parents had separate accounts and really do not know what the other person has. Ultimately, rather than taking my name off the accounts and behaving like his parents, I just should have said why don't you be responsible for X, Y and Z and I will take care of A, B and C. We would keep each other informed but he might have felt like he had more control or understanding of the money. Again a realization too little too late].
^^^^ This has been a frequent topic... it has been brought up many a time and I used the same argument with him. No wonder he hit a breaking point.
Today it dawned on me I was not validating him at all.............
What I should have said "I understand the stress that the daily drive in having on you. I agree that it limits your time to garden or to go fishing" . "What can we do to ease this situation for you?" [Now, in my mind that is why we went all out on a high end Harley. And, in the beginning it was a solution. But you can't ride Harley's in winter. Combine that with low sunlight, lack of getting out of his head... BD!]
Yes. If only when your partner told you he couldn't endure the long commute, you'd validated his concerns, instead of getting all defensive about what you were doing in return. If only when you became defensive he'd validated your concerns instead of getting defensive and then putting his diddly doo in another lady's hoohah.
KitCat, you'll learn from your mistakes and do better next time, no? And hopefully for a partner who won't cheat on you at all, let alone cheat on you multiple times.
