I think you need to continue practice detaching. You are already improving on that so keep it up.
Originally Posted by belleva
I don't really know what I am supposed to be doing. Can you all tell me what I should be doing? How often should I see him? How should I behave when I see him?
There is no right answer. You really sort of have to experiment yourself for your sitch. What's working for you? If you are putting your head on his shoulder and it makes you feel all those negative emotions, you should probably stay away from doing that. You do NOT need to make effort to create good vibes for him. Like you said, there's no excuse for being a liar and a cheater. You be the best you for YOU. The DB way is to not pursue. And all that creating good vibes thing is pursuit.
Can you wise people help keep me sane during these unprecedented times? I was muddling along okay... maintaining some distance from H and trying to stay off his roller coaster. Throwing myself into some community projects, swim class and other GAL activities. Making it through whole days (not generally consecutive but hey...) without crying. And now like most of us, day to day to life is isolation. For good reason, of course. The kiddos are home. Schools are closed. But we are all stuck here. Can we craft an emergency world crisis GAL plan? Because I am a wreck. I have fired off more emails than I want to admit. Spewing, angry, hurt emails. I have not spared him much. I want to shake him and say "wake up. wake up. wake up." I do not know how anyone with a moral compass or conscience does what he has done. Yesterday he emailed and said "I know you don't do well with a lot of isolation. I am happy to come keep you guys company." F8c& NO. I don't want his crumbs. I told him the last time we talked that I don't want to be friends except in the context of being married. That if he doesn't want to be married to me, he should file for D. That unless and until he wants to work on our marriage, there is no reason for us to spend time together. I meant that but it is HARD to navigate at the silence and loneliness. Hard to be the only parent. To be honest I feel like I am at a breaking point emotionally. I know it will pass. It is harder at night.
I started seeing a new IC before the world shut down. She said (apologetically in a way) that he is a narcissist. A covert narcissist. I don't know if that is true. I don't know what knowing that or labeling him as that helps. The only person I can control is ME. The only person I can change is ME. Pathologizing him doesn't get me off the hook for changing and growing and healing. It is just a word.
I hope you all are safe and healthy in these crazy times.
Thank you for nudging me to update. I'm not much of a writer. I do read here most everyday. The newcomers and all the old threads.
I feel lower than low most days and like a failure at all of this. I have (at times, okay plenty of times) acted like a pathetic wretch and a crazy person. The past few months have been a doozy.
Days after my last post, I found out the A that H swore was over was not over. I was prepared (in as much as anyone can be) for that because of being here with you all but it still felt like a kick in the gut. Mostly because of the lies. Which had become so much better. More devious. After finding out about THAT I said "take a hike" and I meant it even though I was shaking. But then the world shut down and he came home for several months. Just showed up one day and said he was staying. Not "home" in any kind of real sense. In fact, he basically stated that he merely thought he ought to be less of a jerk and that he didn't think I could handle things alone during quarantine. And I was a mess and hurting and hopeful. So I let him.
There were plenty of days that felt normal and comforting. And plenty that just messed with my head and heart. As the weeks passed, I realized we were just in some kind of new limbo and he was/ is as ambivalent as ever. It became more than I could take. So I sent him back to his apartment and told him to figure out what he wants. But I can't go NC totally- there are kiddos and yard work and practical things. And we seem to get into the same cycle every time we see each other.
I don't have family and we moved here for his job so I don't really have friends or support here either. He *is* my support system. That isn't good I know. And it makes it all so much more terrifying. I am a SAHM and this is hardly the time to "start over" and find a job. I know whatever happens I will be okay. But I struggle with the shock and disbelief of it all. It has wounded my self esteem a lot. I am embarrassed that I'm not stronger.
It is always difficult for me to watch a LBS be shocked when their lying cheating spouse, lies and cheats.
This is who he is. And belleva deserves much better.
If you D him you will get support.... From him. Almost all states and countries have alimony for SAHMs until the SAHM can get back on her own feet. Plus go for as much custody of the kids as you can. He'll be paying child support too.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I HEART you Steve. It is who he is. I asked him while he was "home" during quarantine why he kept cheating and lying for months after I first found out... why do that instead of just being honest or whatever... I was seeing a great counselor at the time and she told me I was in full on PTSD. No one seems to talk about that much here. The trauma. I was not steady at all. I guess I am still not steady. She kept saying I needed some "safety" and I would tell him that and all his lies were about constructing a false sense of safety and security. Calling to check on me ten minutes before seeing her, constructing elaborate timelines of his movements etc. Anyway, I asked him why he kept lying and cheating and he said "I guess I wanted to see how much I could get away with."
I don't think I am here trying to stand for my M or save it or anything. Not after that. Even though he says he doesn't want a divorce, isn't sure how he feels or what he wants. I am just trying to get through each day and figure out how to put one foot in front of the other. Is it still okay for me to be here?
It is definitely still okay for you to be here. I'm not really trying to save my M either. In fact, I've rarely even thought about that after the first couple of months. I'd probably still like to, but there doesn't seem to be much chance of that. DBing is about saving you and, yes, dealing with the trauma.
As Spiral stated, you are more than welcome to remain here or at some later date, you may opt to move to the "Surviving the Big D" forum.
DBing is about saving you and helping you to move forward and discovering ways to deal w/the fallout of when your spouse walks out of the relationship.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I HEART you Steve. It is who he is. I asked him while he was "home" during quarantine why he kept cheating and lying for months after I first found out... why do that instead of just being honest or whatever... I was seeing a great counselor at the time and she told me I was in full on PTSD. No one seems to talk about that much here. The trauma. I was not steady at all. I guess I am still not steady. She kept saying I needed some "safety" and I would tell him that and all his lies were about constructing a false sense of safety and security. Calling to check on me ten minutes before seeing her, constructing elaborate timelines of his movements etc. Anyway, I asked him why he kept lying and cheating and he said "I guess I wanted to see how much I could get away with."
I don't think I am here trying to stand for my M or save it or anything. Not after that. Even though he says he doesn't want a divorce, isn't sure how he feels or what he wants. I am just trying to get through each day and figure out how to put one foot in front of the other. Is it still okay for me to be here?
Please read what job wrote. DBing is about saving you! If in the process your WAS wakes up and decides to work on the marriage then you get to make a decision. So keep DBing and keep posting.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
