Do you have any last thoughts for my sitch? I'd love Sandi or Sandi like 2x4s.
W stopped sleeping alone and now sleeps in D4s tiny bed with D4. My IC tells me this is harmful for D4 and my W knows its not healthy. Rather than address our issues, she's avoiding them and impacting D4. My relationship with D4 suffers. She used to want me for everything but now avoids me, ignores me at times. Her actions arent the same with my W. Im ok losing my W but I cant bear to lose my daughter. I think I need to file for D to prevent further deterioration of our daddy daughter relationship. I'm starting to miss my D4 and she's right here.
W is not doing anything to fix herself or the sitch. Just coasting by, pretending. She's avoided fixing issues with her own family for as long as I've known her so I don't foresee her coming to terms with her contribution to the destruction of her relationships any time soon.
What do I do for D4, S1 and I? Is there any point in trying to salvage the M? On detaching...its difficult as we are quarantined together. Everytime I feel detached, its like she senses it and acts differently, being kind and talkative. When i start to feel connected, she begins distancing. Is this the rest of my life if we fix the M? I can never be connected and loving? Whats the point?
I think I was too easy on her when she asked to reconcile. Now what do I do? I see D as my only course of action. Either it wakes her up or we D. Either way I am ok with the outcome for me and I'm starting to like both options for the kids. I realize I'm asking what to do to fix her and thats not ideal but what else can I do? I've worked on me already and will continue to do so. I'm losing interest on that end...I loved who I was. I'm working on my weaknesses but Im not going to go overboard.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
You're not going to lose your daughter. What do you do for you, your W, and your family? Be a good, strong man. Detach. Become mentally strong. Excel in work, excel personal relationship, excel in financials, do everything you know you should. Grow, learn.
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Everytime I feel detached, its like she senses it and acts differently, being kind and talkative. When i start to feel connected, she begins distancing. Is this the rest of my life if we fix the M? I can never be connected and loving? Whats the point?
Pursuit/distancer dynamic. Learn it, understand it, weaponize it. You are allow yourself to be a victim when you could be so much more.
Go read the chapter "It Takes One To Tango". When you change how you act it changes how others interact with you.
"Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way".
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Do you have any last thoughts for my sitch? I'd love Sandi or Sandi like 2x4s.
I'll bite.
Originally Posted by Core
W stopped sleeping alone and now sleeps in D4s tiny bed with D4. My IC tells me this is harmful for D4 and my W knows its not healthy. Rather than address our issues, she's avoiding them and impacting D4. My relationship with D4 suffers. She used to want me for everything but now avoids me, ignores me at times. Her actions arent the same with my W. Im ok losing my W but I cant bear to lose my daughter. I think I need to file for D to prevent further deterioration of our daddy daughter relationship. I'm starting to miss my D4 and she's right here.
Maybe tell her: "W, I would like you to stop sleeping with D4."
Nothing else. No reasoning, no arguing, no claims how it is impacting D4. You can't control her.
Originally Posted by Core
W is not doing anything to fix herself or the sitch. Just coasting by, pretending. She's avoided fixing issues with her own family for as long as I've known her so I don't foresee her coming to terms with her contribution to the destruction of her relationships any time soon.
Focusing on her, her, her. I also don't foresee her changing soon, why would she?
Originally Posted by Core
What do I do for D4, S1 and I? Is there any point in trying to salvage the M?
Only you can make this decision. I like making pro/con lists. Try to think beyond "staying M'ed is best for the kids".
Originally Posted by Core
On detaching...its difficult as we are quarantined together. Everytime I feel detached, its like she senses it and acts differently, being kind and talkative. When i start to feel connected, she begins distancing. Is this the rest of my life if we fix the M? I can never be connected and loving? Whats the point?
Sounds like maybe you detach for awhile, then she throws you crumbs and you gobble them up. Next time, maintain your detachment.
Honestly Core you sound clingy sometimes. I was like this too. If my W gave me a hug I was wagging my tail like a puppy. You deserve better, but you also have a lot you can do to work on yourself right now. You don't need the validation of your W's affection to be happy. I think your W has very very little respect for you -- less than even you think she does. You aren't going to dig out of this by detaching a little bit. You will just prolong your suffering.
Originally Posted by Core
I think I was too easy on her when she asked to reconcile. Now what do I do? I see D as my only course of action. Either it wakes her up or we D. Either way I am ok with the outcome for me and I'm starting to like both options for the kids. I realize I'm asking what to do to fix her and thats not ideal but what else can I do? I've worked on me already and will continue to do so. I'm losing interest on that end...I loved who I was. I'm working on my weaknesses but Im not going to go overboard.
Do NOT file for D as a wake-up call.
Do NOT file for D to try to change her.
You file for D when you accept the consequences and think it is the best decision for you and your kids.
Thank you guys for the responses. I'm so messed up right not that I almost don't want to work on myself because she will benefit from it. I tried to picture holding W in my arms or saying loving things to each other and I got disgusted. My W disgusts me.
Today she rolled her eyes at me like a teenager when I was trying a new method to stop ome of S1s tantrums. Blatant disrespect. Not only that but does one realize how they are perceived when they roll their eyes?
What do I do to build respect? U is right that there is still none. Even if we D, we need respect. Ive kicked her out of the mbr, told her she can leave or file any time she desires, put boundaries down. Im enforcing my last boundary and am only communicating kid logistics since the eyeroll.
Ovr, what book is that chapter from? The book in cadets links? I feel like i cant get much more distant from W as it is already. I think we are both distancing.
Im defeated, exhausted, hopeless and lack the will to stay in this marriage. I'm ashamed that we are here. I pictured signing the divorce papers and got so happy yesterday. This was all preventable with a little communication and self improvements. I'd rather live alone and miss half the kids childhoods than live with this version of W. If I file, I'll never know if its the right or wrong choice. All the other sitches similar to mine that ended in a happy reconcile seemed to resolve quicker than mine.
I also see Sandi mentioning that in home separations never work. What do I do if W wont leave?...I can't leave the house or its abandonment of the kids. This is indeed soul sucking. OM may be gone but so if any version of W that I can stand.
Last edited by Core; 03/26/2002:16 PM.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Maybe it's not a chapter I can't recall exactly. But MWD has a lot of Youtube content out there. Look, if your W were a guy and I were you, I'd be about ready to crack him in the mouth at this point but that is only going to make things worse. You have to realize that she is pushing your buttons and looking for a reaction. Don't give it to her. Ignore it and make your way out of the room or to a different activity.
I was in limbo for over a year, and even then, it takes a lot of time to settle in again. Either way, divorce or marriage, you're going to have to get used to a new normal.
Time to stop worrying about her so much IMO.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Here’s the problem you are not detached so in essence you’re not ready to file. If you were detached limbo would be a piece of cake for you. It’s easy for your W because she doesn’t want to save the marriage. I suspect you think filing will either wake her up or make you feel better. I will do neither. I was in limbo a lot longer then you and when times got tough I would think about my children and get up and prepare for another round.
I have been listening to a lot of Peter Crones podcasts and one of his famous quotes is “Life will present you with people and situations to show you where you are not free”. The point is all of life is uncertain and you better get fuching used to it. You have to learn to be ok that you don’t know the outcome and you’re ok with it. Trust the universe.
So my suggestion to you is to work on being detached so then you can make a decision that is based on logic and not emotion (fear)
Life is $hitty sometimes and it will punch you in the face like a MFer. The goal is to keep getting up to go another round. If you need a reason just think about your young children.
I’m not going lie, it’s not easy but it builds character.
I'm so messed up right not that I almost don't want to work on myself because she will benefit from it.
WhAt?!?!
Originally Posted by Core
Today she rolled her eyes at me like a teenager when I was trying a new method to stop ome of S1s tantrums. Blatant disrespect. Not only that but does one realize how they are perceived when they roll their eyes?
No she doesn't realize it.
Originally Posted by Core
What do I do to build respect? U is right that there is still none. Even if we D, we need respect. Ive kicked her out of the mbr, told her she can leave or file any time she desires, put boundaries down. Im enforcing my last boundary and am only communicating kid logistics since the eyeroll.
You cannot INSIST on respect. You can learn techniques to command respect. But ultimately, she may not ever respect you. You can only control your part of the equation. Eyerolls I would shrug off.
Originally Posted by Core
Im defeated, exhausted, hopeless and lack the will to stay in this marriage. I'm ashamed that we are here. I pictured signing the divorce papers and got so happy yesterday. This was all preventable with a little communication and self improvements. I'd rather live alone and miss half the kids childhoods than live with this version of W. If I file, I'll never know if its the right or wrong choice. All the other sitches similar to mine that ended in a happy reconcile seemed to resolve quicker than mine.
Core, you often sound really stirred up with anxiety in your posts. As an anxiety sufferer myself, it took a long time (and is still a WIP) for me to build calm confidence in my decisions, rather than dive into the mentally exhausting cycle of anxiety. Often anxiety had me thinking "Either I do A, or I do B". This is a fallacy.
Whether or not you end up filing for D, it's not going to make you happy or not. Other factors will.
I’ve been quiet dealing with our new normal but I have been checking in on you Core and honestly I’ve mostly been silent because watching you spin is painful for me. You need to get a hold of yourself. You think you know exactly what you feel and what you want but it’s super clear you are highly emotional and not 100% rational about your sitch still. Please go to my first thread. I talk a lot about knowing what it feels like with you’re truly detached enough to make a decision because I had to do it with my daughters father. It doesn’t feel desperate. It feels like taking a walk. Or opening a new book. It’s not driven by anger or fear or sadness. It’s clear and calm. Please read what LH19 says about detachment.
Next. Since I’m like the only chick who comments on here for you and I’m kind of a b**ch I need you to try to read this with an open mind. You’re wife doesn’t like you right now. She’s there. So she’s trying to be a family. She has one foot in the MR. So you can choose to accept that one foot in and actually really truly work on you and those anxious and controlling behaviors. And what ever else you feel like there’s room for improvement for. Or you can just call it. But you don’t get to walk away saying you tried everything because you didn’t. She is not required to respect you. You are not allowed to demand she give you respect. I’ve told you multiple times to check your ego and don’t talk to W like she’s a child. You are not her daddy. If you want her to keep acting like a teenager keep treating her like one. Treat her like an annoying room mate. You don’t talk to your room mate like they owe you respect. Their name is on the lease. It’s not that simple to get them out. Play nice and avoid fights. Don’t escalate. Which I’ve also told you before. You choose to engage. You choose to escalate. “Don’t you roll your eyes at me.” Is not a boundary. Not even close. That’s you making your ego a priority over peace. You are just as capable of ignoring her as she is at getting under your skin. Take some personal responsibility here for the way you feel. She doesn’t control the way you feel. You do.
. That’s you making your ego a priority over peace. You are just as capable of ignoring her as she is at getting under your skin. Take some personal responsibility here for the way you feel. She doesn’t control the way you feel. You do.
Yes. You should listen to her. I don’t comment on a lot of people’s threads because I don’t feel qualified to give advice most of the time, but when I feel it, I comment. I do quietly read along with a lot of threads though.
Some people seem to just be naturals at this. I think Wayfarer is one of them. This is summed up so well. If I look back on what I regret most about the way I handled my situation for at least the first half of it, it’s this. It’s making my ego a priority over peace. That may even sum up my regrets about the way I was in my marriage. This hits hard, and you should take this to heart for sure.
