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A Message from Michele
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Re: WW Patience, Limbo amd Fear [Re: Core] #2889476
03/16/20 02:35 PM
03/16/20 02:35 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,980
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by Core
Should I ask for counseling one last time before I tell her I want to D and set up mediation?


Well....

Quote
She treats and treated me badly, withheld affection and intimacy often, makes fun of my interests, didnt spend time doing things together....the list goes on. I ask myself often now...why would I want her back?

Now I found out, she is contacting some friends telling them lies about me. For example, she told them Im in a massive panic over being work at home now. Im happy to be at home and Corona gives me no fear. This is something shes done for awhile...she makes up how I feel instead of asking me, then tells others her assumption and is validated for putting up with so much. She told someone that she is "doing alright but is still unhappy". Well of course!??! Youve done nothing but avoid the situation yet you think it would change or that I would crawl back to you?


Sounds like you answered your own question. But in case you don't see it, no do not ask for counseling. If SHE approaches YOU about possible recon then one of your stipulations should be that SHE gets counseling. The above issues are serious and she needs help with that. After some number of months of IC THEN the two of you could consider MC.

Quote
For the time being...how do I set a boundary when she makes a disrespectful face? She does it often, as an example, I mispronounced a word which apparently disgusted her to the point of her needing to make a face. How would I enforce a boundary when shes got nothing to lose?


Great response from LH. But even better would be to quit talking to her. Keep it to business only. She starts getting chatty then tell her you've got things to do and end the convo. Work on that detachment.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: WW Patience, Limbo amd Fear [Re: Core] #2889484
03/16/20 03:14 PM
03/16/20 03:14 PM
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 571
Illinois
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mtb1981 Offline
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Originally Posted by Core
For the time being...how do I set a boundary when she makes a disrespectful face? She does it often, as an example, I mispronounced a word which apparently disgusted her to the point of her needing to make a face. How would I enforce a boundary when shes got nothing to lose?



Have you tried talking in a fake accent and purposely mispronouncing more words? That's what I would do... wink


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
Re: WW Patience, Limbo amd Fear [Re: Core] #2889522
03/16/20 06:14 PM
03/16/20 06:14 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,085
San Antonio, Texas
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joejoe1 Offline
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San Antonio, Texas
Core,

If a disrespectful causes you to react than you have the problem not her. We all mispronounce words and we all make mistakes. If you mispronounce a word, correct yourself (if you feel) or continue talking. Her face making shouldn't concern you. You can't control face making, it's her face and she can do what she wants with it, if it doesn't harm you physically or change your outcome in life, don't let it bother you.

If you just continue on and not let it bother you over time she will notice and most likely stop. Most people do things that they know people react to. Stop reacting!!!

You got this. If you all recon, than you can voice you displeasure with her face making and how it makes you feel.

Joejoe


M:36 W:35
T:9 M:8
S15, S11, S8, S3
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: WW Patience, Limbo amd Fear [Re: Core] #2889563
03/17/20 01:23 AM
03/17/20 01:23 AM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 237
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Core Offline OP
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Core  Offline OP
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Posts: 237
Thank you all for the feedback. And the laugh mtb. I hit my limit with Ws s*** today. Joejoe I couldnt stand by and allow it...a flaw of mine or strength, I dont know. LH and AS, the feedbacks always appreciated. I confronted W while I was working. It went about as expected but the thing is, I didnt care about the outcome. What started it was minor. She made a snide remark in a disrespectful tone in front of both kids.

Where im disappointed in myself is that I reacted in anger and not loving detachment. I told her that the disrespect stops right here. Im tired of it. I told her im not saying this out of control but to protect me. If she doesnt stop, then I will stop talking to her entirely.

As expected it flipped on me, it was my fault she said things the way she did. I validated then challenged this. I explained that I deserve to be treated better. Prob a bad move as it seems like pursuit and control. She invalidated me, flipped it on me and she started an R chat that we both quickly got out of. Said she is trying to let go of all the anger and is discontent. I validated and told her I have a store to go to and left. As I said in a earlier post, if one is not content yet does nothing about it, then nothing will happen. I want to tell her this.

Whats sad is Im sitting here knowing she'll passive aggressively get me back for bringing this up. She completely played like the victim and acted like she could do no wrong. My anger was unnecessary, I agree to that and I know I dont control her. I also know its unacceptable for the kids to see her actions against me. All she did was push me further towards D. It may be what she wants. It may be what we both want. This will be a long quarantine.


H36, W37
D4, S1
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: WW Patience, Limbo amd Fear [Re: Core] #2889588
03/17/20 11:33 AM
03/17/20 11:33 AM
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Posts: 31
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greenman Offline
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I was there before BD.

Seems as if you let her get in your head way too much. Self focus, actions over words. She should not trigger you once you are in the right place.

Thus far, when I really started focusing on myself, GAL and taking actions I have gradually lost the anger and tenseness. This allows better communication. Its not about her...it about you.

Also has led to changes in W actions in a positive way.

Re: WW Patience, Limbo amd Fear [Re: Core] #2889591
03/17/20 12:36 PM
03/17/20 12:36 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,980
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by Core
She made a snide remark in a disrespectful tone in front of both kids.

Where im disappointed in myself is that I reacted in anger and not loving detachment. I told her that the disrespect stops right here. Im tired of it. I told her im not saying this out of control but to protect me. If she doesnt stop, then I will stop talking to her entirely.


Actually I don't think you should be disappointed, unless maybe it was the way you said it (yelling versus telling her sternly). It needed to be said. You set a boundary. Now it's important to STICK TO IT or she will continue the disrespect. How do you stick to it? If the disrespect continues then you shut her down just like you said you would.

Quote
As expected it flipped on me, it was my fault she said things the way she did. I validated then challenged this.


That was an inappropriate time for validation. When you set a boundary then you stick to it, don't flip back and forth from demanding a boundary to validating. And don't challenge her, your boundary was what? You stop the disrespect OR I WILL STOP TALKING TO YOU ENTIRELY. So she flipped it on you, IE continued the disrespect and your response should have been to leave the room.

Quote
Whats sad is Im sitting here knowing she'll passive aggressively get me back for bringing this up.


If she does then you enforce your boundary. Stop talking to her.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: WW Patience, Limbo amd Fear [Re: Core] #2889615
03/17/20 03:06 PM
03/17/20 03:06 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,085
San Antonio, Texas
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joejoe1 Offline
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Core,

Let's work thru this together.

Questions:

What are your boundaries and consequences for a snide remark?

What are you boundaries and consequences for rude facial expressions?

Put you answers down on a sheet of paper, so you can read them over and over.

Once you state your boundary and provide you consequences the gauntlet is laid and there's backing away or do overs.

So you have to prepare yourself to react not in anger but in confidence and calmness, if you react in anger you are going to say things you can't take back.

IMPO (In my personal opinion) Try to create boundaries and consequences around facial expressions and snide remarks makes you look weak and petty. The best way to deal with her is to rise above her being petty and present a calm and confident man.

She makes a rude facial expression, you look at her calmly and you don't react at all, because you know what you said makes sense and is not wrong/you're right. Or maybe you did something wrong, but you correct yourself and get it moving.

Remember, you aren't trying to go back and forth with your W, your are showing her a new and improve man. How does a new and improve Core acts/reacts and presents himself to the world.

Onward and Forward.


M:36 W:35
T:9 M:8
S15, S11, S8, S3
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: WW Patience, Limbo amd Fear [Re: joejoe1] #2890173
03/23/20 05:49 PM
03/23/20 05:49 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 237
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Core Offline OP
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Core  Offline OP
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Posts: 237
Originally Posted by joejoe1

Questions:

What are your boundaries and consequences for a snide remark?

If its not a joking remark, I tell her I wont engage with someone who makes remarks like that and tell her Ill engage with her in the future when shes ready to communicate respectfully.
Originally Posted by joejoe1

What are you boundaries and consequences for rude facial expressions?

Same as above

Originally Posted by joejoe1
Put you answers down on a sheet of paper, so you can read them over and over.

Once you state your boundary and provide you consequences the gauntlet is laid and there's backing away or do overs.

So you have to prepare yourself to react not in anger but in confidence and calmness, if you react in anger you are going to say things you can't take back.

IMPO (In my personal opinion) Try to create boundaries and consequences around facial expressions and snide remarks makes you look weak and petty. The best way to deal with her is to rise above her being petty and present a calm and confident man.

She makes a rude facial expression, you look at her calmly and you don't react at all, because you know what you said makes sense and is not wrong/you're right. Or maybe you did something wrong, but you correct yourself and get it moving.

Remember, you aren't trying to go back and forth with your W, your are showing her a new and improve man. How does a new and improve Core acts/reacts and presents himself to the world.

Onward and Forward.


Thanks for the response. I kicked it around in my head for a few days. I see no point staying around her if she can't be respectful. I bring a lot of value to a family, woman and R yet she can treat me poorly.... Im not having it. She is living a great life because of what my family and I provided. She just wanted more. One thing i couldn't provide with mass sleep loss. Passion. That and I showed weakness with anxiety and she pulls away. Pulled away too far in to anothers virtual arms.

My family is safe, protected and completely provided for during this crisis because of my planning and choices. She still complained on the phone a week ago to a friend that she is unhappy. "Im just not happy with him, Im unhappy".

I dont know what more one could want. Why does she think its my job to make her happy? She has a beautiful family, a nice house, top school district, had a husband that adored her and shared in her interests, bedroom was good, loving family on my side, financial security. She had all the groundwork to help her from distractions and find her own happiness. Instead she seeks OM for the missing passion I cant provide with a newborn. Does she think im going to crawl back and woo her after her affair while she takes no action? Legit, no improvements done on her end. No action taken to help herself through this.

What am I supposed to do? No one of her end knows of her affair that I know of. They all are told I'm some monster that cant keep my wife happy. She jokes to her friend how I mentioned I wont talk to her unless she is respectful. Like its some random new thing to respect someone who gave you almost everything you have. What the F. Im pushed further, I see no point staying with her anymore. If she can't self reflect, then she'll always make me or future men responsible for her happiness. Not fair to any man. I hope my daughter doesnt learn from her.

What else do I do for me and the kids in a situation like this? Its been I think two full months since her and OM had a communication. 9 to 10 months since this all started. I dont think I want a OW or her. This all just disgusts me on such a deep level. My story and the others here. The WWs seem so much less likely to return than a WH. Im my case, the person who'd return would be the same whom left. I dont want that for me or the kids. She's lying about me to friends amd family...I know with 100 percent certainty. Why would I want someone who lies to everyone close to her?


H36, W37
D4, S1
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: WW Patience, Limbo amd Fear [Re: Core] #2890184
03/23/20 06:42 PM
03/23/20 06:42 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4,664
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LH19 Online
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Posts: 4,664
C,

Unfortunately that’s a common theme in long term marriages. At some point when the LBS feels unhappy the marriage is up for review. If she doesn’t put in any effort she’s not going to magically fall back in love with you.

You made the statement that you don’t want your W and you don’t want another woman. I would argue that if that’s the case why can’t you just keep living like you are right now? Continue to GAL, detach and work on yourself. You’re way to focused on what she’s doing and saying.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: WW Patience, Limbo amd Fear [Re: Core] #2890187
03/23/20 07:02 PM
03/23/20 07:02 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 237
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Core Offline OP
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Core  Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 237
LH,

Its mostly pride, ego and my morals pushing me to D. While I work my job and improve myself, she gets the joys of raising the kids. Now I know a lot of people think raising kids and being SAHM is really hard. For some I believe it is but not with my kids. They are great kids. When W is gone and Ive days alone with the kids, its easy. Its a dream.

So Im possibly getting a promotion. While I am not Ding, W gets half my earnings, 401k, more alimony. Im not gaining much more than turmoil from her while she gets comfort, stability and money from me. Each passing day makes me resent her sitting on her A doing nothing towards fixing any of this, except complain of course.


H36, W37
D4, S1
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
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