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I've often thought in recent years that even though I don't believe in Fate, that perhaps Fate believes in me.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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kas99 Offline OP
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I've always believed in putting out into the universe what you want. As part of GAL I thought I'd like to take up sewing again. In a twist of fate I looked up estate sales online and the first three all had sewing machines. The last estate sale turned out to be 50% off and I got a vintage, in mint condition, 1968 Singer sewing machine for cheap. It's just like the one that my mom had that I taught myself to sew on.

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kas99 Offline OP
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I'm not doing well, everything hurts from stress. The pretty weather triggered me as I imagined H sitting out on OW's beautiful patio, having coffee, everything is sunshine and rainbows as they declare how they are soul mates. He's counting his lucky stars that he found someone so wonderful and is grateful to be rid of me and the kids. She's of course younger, prettier, and H is in love.

H sat out on our beautiful patio with me but he was checked out or couldn't sit still. I was lonely but she will of course get the best of him, his money, his time, his devotion, he will adore her and they will live happily ever after.

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Come on now, kas….you have to stop doing that to yourself. You are projecting what YOU think is happening onto his life and just dragging yourself down in the process. Stop worrying about it, thinking about it, focus on you and your kids. You have NO idea what he is thinking or what she is thinking so speculating on that is just stealing your own joy. You just mentioned your GAL as sewing and finding a great deal on a machine that should have some sentimental value, but yet you focus on the OW and your STBX. Remember that shiny and new things get dull over time and he is likely on his best behavior right now for her, but the new will wear off and at some point, she will get the same version of him you did. Don't compare where you are with him now to where he is with someone else in the new stages. It is NOT the same place. You have the capacity to really recreate your self and your life here and really have a great experience with your kids. Focus on that and stop worrying/wondering about what he is or isn't doing. In reality, you really don't know if anything you described above was happening or not, so just let it go.

And, yes, I know that is way easier said than done. You asked a few posts back and several responded that it really all does get better. I'm sure it doesn't seem like it in the moment, but everything will get back to normal for you. It will be a new, better normal and you and your kids will be happy. Don't rush it. Take the time to heal, but I can assure you it DOES get better. Time heals all wounds.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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Kas - there is nothing in his situation to envy. Let’s not romanticize as it started as an affair. Where is the romance in telling their “so how did you two meet?” story. She got with a married man!!! That is their truth. I found it helpful to do some reading on MLC and the other woman. Google it and you will find lots of info that breaks down the pattern of this relationship. He is a broken man running for a band aid and she is attracted to him because she is broken herself.

It takes time to process a long term marriage. Healthy people take time. You have been given the gift of time and as you are taking the time to process, seeks answers and work on yourself you will come out of this stronger.

You are the prize. You get to sleep with a clear conscience. Keep posting your thoughts so we can help you work through them. Get sewing!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Kas - I have the same problem. It is so difficult to not imagine them being so happy and successful while we have to piece our lives together. I was looking through some of my original texts that went back and forth with my XW and was shocked. In one of them she hoped that D14 and I had a good hike together and she talked about her hike that she went with OM (she doesn't realize D14 and I both knew she went with him) to this new lake. All I could do was imagine her having such a great time while D14 and I were barely holding it together. Everyone says it will get easier with time but that doesn't help the pain now. Do you have nightmares Kas?


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
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kml Offline
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Yeah Kas - don't make up stories like that. Karma has a way of taking care of things.

My ex left me after 26 years, bought his beach pad by his favorite surf break, and ended up marrying an Asian woman 19 years younger than him. He was living his MLC fantasy, and he made lots more money than me because I had mommy-tracked my career. (Btw his wife is not an OW so I bear no malice towards her).

But ten years later:
Her mother died unexpectedly and she went through a depression.
Her father came to live with them, had major surgery, had dementia and they shipped him off to her brothers.
His father was diagnosed with lung cancer and he had to fly back and forth across the country to manage his care (he's doing well now, thankfully).
His mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's.
He has had two shoulder surgeries, a neck surgery, and recently a failed lower back surgery. He defined himself as a surfer and all of this means he really can't surf.
His most recent back surgery was an emergency surgery the night before he turned 60 (he doesn't so well with birthdays that end in 0).
He just retired and usually would work part time after retirement to earn the same income between pension and part-time work - but cannot work right now with his back problems, so his income has dropped suddenly.

I'm not happy all this bad stuff happened to him and his family- but just pointing out that while it looked in the beginning like everything was roses for him, the universe has a way of evening things out. I have a great relationship with my kids, financial stability (even though I have a lot less than he does) and, despite me being 4 years older, I'm in considerably better health than he is now. He seems happy in his marriage but I'm sure he misses some things about me. I may have had a more checkered dating history since my divorce, but I've also learned to play percussion, played in a band, toured with my singer-songwriter friend and met many famous musicians. (My ex thought HE was the musician in the family because he could play a half dozen Neil Young songs on the guitar that he learned in college. ) I'm living well and that's really the best revenge.

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Originally Posted by kml
I'm living well and that's really the best revenge.


SO MUCH THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To rooskers point, yes, hearing "it will get better" doesn't help the hurt you feel right now, but what I think we are all trying to do is help you see past where you are right now and help you understand that there is "life out there" so to speak. Every time I read one of your posts, I hear that Reba McEntire song in my head "Is There Life Out There?" There is a part of the song that says "There's a place in the sun where she's never been; where life is fair and time is a friend; would she do it the same as she did back then; she looks out the window and wonders again". I'm not trying to speak for everyone else, but I think the people commenting are trying to tell you, kas, that there IS life out there. It's ok to feel sad and hurt and broken and down, but use this as motivation to push yourself forward to live your best life for your sake and your childrens' sake. Hugs, lady!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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kas99 Offline OP
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Quote
Come on now, kas….you have to stop doing that to yourself. You are projecting what YOU think is happening onto his life and just dragging yourself down in the process. Stop worrying about it, thinking about it, focus on you and your kids. You have NO idea what he is thinking or what she is thinking so speculating on that is just stealing your own joy. You just mentioned your GAL as sewing and finding a great deal on a machine that should have some sentimental value, but yet you focus on the OW and your STBX.


Was out with D17 and she said "what is wrong you were fine 10 minutes ago". I said it's hard. She said he was boring, a horrible person and that he wasn't worth it to focus on my new sewing machine. I did well but then my mood dropped
again and I think omg when does this stop??

Quote
Remember that shiny and new things get dull over time and he is likely on his best behavior right now for her, but the new will wear off and at some point, she will get the same version of him you did.


He was a terrible H and I'm better off without him but the thought that haunts me is the part where he "might" be a better man for her or she will accept him as is whereas I didn't. I complained.

Quote
You have the capacity to really recreate your self and your life here and really have a great experience with your kids.


The sewing machine I bought was similar to the one I taught myself how to sew on (it was my mom's). It's been 30 years but I remembered how it works. Today D17 is off on spring break and she made me a scrunchie with it. Went home for lunch and she's happy as a clam....sewing.

Quote
And, yes, I know that is way easier said than done. You asked a few posts back and several responded that it really all does get better. I'm sure it doesn't seem like it in the moment, but everything will get back to normal for you. It will be a new, better normal and you and your kids will be happy. Don't rush it. Take the time to heal, but I can assure you it DOES get better. Time heals all wounds.


I do worry that this pain will never end.

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Originally Posted by kas99

He was a terrible H and I'm better off without him but the thought that haunts me is the part where he "might" be a better man for her or she will accept him as is whereas I didn't. I complained.

I do worry that this pain will never end.


Listen, you can "what if" yourself to death or you can try to think logically and realize that all of this is NOT just on you. Who cares if he acts like a better man for her. Your first line says it all.....he was a terrible H and you are better off without him. YOU SAID THAT!!!!!!! She will accept him but you didn't...you complained (again, your words). Honey, show me one single person on this planet who hasn't complained about something in their marriage and I will show you a liar. EVERYONE complains. You cannot blame his shortcomings on yourself. Clearly your children realize that he was a miserable person who made you miserable. Kml had a great point in that karma has a way of taking care of things and you shouldn't use your own narrative of how you think his life might be going in place of how it is actually going. Because the fact of the matter is that IT DOES NOT MATTER what he is thinking or doing. What matters is YOU. You are 2 separate people working on building 2 separate lives and honestly, if you want to get past all of this, you have to stop creating some romanticized version of what his "new" life is like in your head. The pain WILL end. It will just take time. Reach out to friends, spend time with your kids, practice self care. Sew, take a walk, read (if you like that sort of thing), find a new hobby you have always wanted to try...………...do whatever you can to take the focus off of him and put it squarely onto yourself. His life will be what it will be and you constantly second-guessing how that relationship is compared to how yours was with him is not helping you heal. It is just making you feel inadequate and the sad part of that is that you don't even know how much of the story you are projecting onto him is actually true.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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