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Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
The doc talked me off the ledge but there is literally nothing I can do and if I did something like that I wouldn't want to make it worse for my daughters.

Yeah, well that doesn't help me; I'm still p*ssed. It only takes a couple minutes alone with the BF to set the expectations really high.

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My thought process is that if he hates me it will make it worse on my girls. Not that I want to be buddies with him but outside of touching or hitting what can I do?


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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J,

Doc is a wise woman. You don’t want to make things worse. The thing is I could actually use a break from the cold and could fly down and just happen to bump into him in the parking lot.

One thing I will say, I totally respect WWs who wait until their kids are out of the house to leave.

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This behavior by ex's bf is not acceptable. That would really pi$$ me off and I would have choice words with exW about it. I wouldn't talk to the bf yet, but this is the first strike. And in my world you get 2 chances and then I'm in your face.

Again, I'd be totally calm about it but tell exW what your expectations are and that no one is allowed to yell at your kids like that. That kind of behavior will negatively impact the girls. It already is.

No need to start a fight here, but don't back down in what you see as inappropriate behavior.


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I have the unpopular opinion of course.

But J- I imagine sometimes you need to do a little “parenting” when you have the docs son all day, right?
And the really is you might have to speak up when you all move in together with the docs kid and she might have to do the same with yours.

I’m sorry your daughter felt as she did. It is harder to hear things like that from someone who isn’t a parent.

I do think you know J that will be the reality with your new blended family. And the adjustment to the situation is very tough. I know my daughters stepmom has to be firm with her. Sometimes I’m sure it sounds worse to her than it was. But of course I would always be on high alert like you are paying attention to the signs of fear of going over there, etc. you are handling this the right way. And I know the reality of it stinks. And as a dad you want to pummel him. But understand you are kind of in the same position.

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It didn't sound like to me he actually yelled at her however for some reason she was more concerned about him yelling than her own mom. My daughter just said that when she told him that she didn't know what 9x7 was he said you should know that. My guess is that made her feel stupid, she has dyslexia, so I am sure that comment was part of the trigger. If anything poor bedside manner on his part.

The difference G is when the Doc is around I do not interject with her son. For example, last Friday he started crying because he didn't want to get his picture taken with all of us when we were hanging out. My daughter made a comment to him, something along the lines of, "it's no big deal, it's just a picture". I had to jump in and let her know that it was not her place to intervene that it was between him and the Doc. Sure different story when I am 100% responsible for him but when the Doc is there, not my place. I am just concerned that my XW is just sitting by letting him run the show and she is happy to allow him to do so. He is also just a BF, not step-parent, but a BF.

The Doc's XH is also not involved which is different than having 50/50. If I was on the state visitation plan then it would probably be easier as I have already agreed to not be a full time parent (for whatever reason). Having 50/50 makes it worse IMO because you directly see what is or is not happening in the other house. You also have no control either. she could marry him tomorrow and it is what it is. From what I understand about him is that he is very strict, used to be a cop and sounds like he has little man syndrome (he is 5'6) and drives this jacked up jeep. I am really judging here I know but I sure hope is not arrogant and full of all the male bravado. Something tells me he is. His kids are older, 1 in college and 1 a senior in high school. One boy and 1 girl.

I told my XW what happened and what my daughter said. I will just have to observe moving forward and see how she behaves or what else comes out of her mouth about the BF. I won't ask them specifically about it but I will make sure that generically they know they can come to me with anything they want to discuss. The XW indicated it was no big deal and recalled the situation where it transpired. Word matter though so I hope she tells him what my daughter said and how it made her feel.

I don't want to be BFF's with the guy but it will be much better for my daughters if we can at minimum get a long and have the ability to BS with each other. I just don't have a lot of options and the options I do have are not good ones.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
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I’m going to echo what others have said. I think you did the right thing. You paid attention, talked to your XW and made her aware you are concerned about your daughter’s view that there is yelling going on. My daughter has Dyslexia as well so that struck a chord with me. Keep the lines of communication open. If your kids start indicating they are fearful of XW’s bf, that would be a time to do something. Have you met the bf? If not, you may want to do that soon. I wouldn’t approach it with anger...that will only make him defensive. I would probably just ask him if he is aware that your daughters are worried about him yelling at them. Some people are just loud. I know my kids have accused me of yelling before when I definitely wasn’t. What they were reacting to was the feeling of disappointing me. Anyway...this coparenting thing is difficult to say the least. At the end of the day, it is your XW’s responsibility to protect your girls and to set the boundaries with her bf. You’ve done what you need to do...for now.

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Well what I really wanted to do was go drag him out of the house and make him bite the curb! So far this is what I know.

1. He makes them eat their vegetables.
2. He is making them work on their table manners, ie. no elbows on the table.
3. They dislike eating chicken for every meal at their moms. I believe he is the one doing the cooking.
4. My daughter didn't want him to yell at her for her poor math score.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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1 & 2 can be done in a loving caring way or in a dictatorial way.

3 - that $ucks. maybe buy him a recipe book or sign him up for a free cooking class wink

4 - that is a reasonable complaint. No one needs to be yelled at or made feel stupid and insignificant. If your daughter has dyslexia she already has a heightened sense of people thinking she's stupid. There is a productive caring way to approach it rather than saying she should know that.


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I also echo that you should meet him.. it's been far too long and it's time to get this out of the way. he's in your kids lives on a constant basis and you should at least meet him once. I did that and it went fine. Don't have to do it again unless a problem comes up.


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