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Again, another mild oddity. She sent me a text at noon wishing me a great day, letting me know that she was having a good day, and then did ask a question about the kids medical coverage. Just odd, she wouldn't normally wish me a good day.

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Originally Posted by ScottB
Again, another mild oddity. She sent me a text at noon wishing me a great day, letting me know that she was having a good day, and then did ask a question about the kids medical coverage. Just odd, she wouldn't normally wish me a good day.


Many WASs try for the amicable approach. She is grooming you hoping mediation goes smoothly.


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Why would she be anything but cordial? She's getting everything she wants right now...


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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Originally Posted by hoosjim
Why would she be anything but cordial? She's getting everything she wants right now...


Well, except for the meeting with the Pastor. But even with that, after the D she can say "We tried everything. MC. We even met with the Pastor!"


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Originally Posted by ScottB
And then she asked me about my day. I told her I had a weird day and then went on to tell her about it.

I told her that I had some weird coincidences occur over the past couple of days and that I had been praying a lot. I told her that it came to me with clarity the pain she went through after the birth of our daughter and how she felt left at home alone and how I made it worse, and I apologized for it. She began to cry quiet tears, just running down her cheeks. I also thanked her for helping me to become a better man and I went over some of the things I outlined above.

I told her it was hard to know what to share and what to hold in because of where we were, she asked me to share. I shared with her a poem I wrote recently about my grandmother and she cried as she read it. It was very intimate emotionally. She talked about her deceased grandfather and how she wishes she could see him again.

The night got a bit late and I said it was time to go to bed. As we fell asleep she said "Thank you for sharing tonight"

Now I know that is not our of Divorce Busting 101, I get it.


OK well as Steve said you'll find out soon enough if any of this is having an impact on her. It might, who knows. My gut feeling is you are about to experience BD all over again and you will be shocked because the progress you think is happening is actually just a smokescreen to soften you up for a more amicable split.

Also just a side note- when she asks "how was your day" then it's usually because she wants to talk about hers. So just say it was good and ask about hers. Then LISTEN and VALIDATE. I think you try a little too hard to show her just how caring and sensitive and stuff you are, but if you REALLY want to show her, then master LISTENING and VALIDATING.

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I also want to point out, because it's been brought up a lot, I am the Alpha in the house. This is a real struggle for my wife as she wants to be equal partners. I generally appear impervious to pain and insults, I seem uncaring and unemotional, I'm physically a bit imposing, and I have never shared my feelings or been able to get in touch with them.


NONE of that is what being an alpha is all about. That's just being an a-hole.

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Through all our counseling my wife wanted to connect emotionally. I'm not going to let this happen every day, I understand that it would become weak if that were the case and appear as manipulation. But showing her a soft side that I'm working on, that she wants and letting her know its there has got to be good.


It's just not a good idea with a WAS. It's ineffective and can undermine your position. You'll find out after the meeting with the pastor and after the mediation meeting where she really stands. If, as I suspect, you find out she's still done, then please go back and reread the advice you're getting here and start to take it to heart and implement it.


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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by hoosjim
Why would she be anything but cordial? She's getting everything she wants right now...


Well, except for the meeting with the Pastor. But even with that, after the D she can say "We tried everything. MC. We even met with the Pastor!"


Yup, checklist complete! Full speed ahead with S and D!


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What’s the latest?

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What's the latest Scotty B?

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A lot has happened in the past weeks. We went to the meeting with the pastor. I thought it went well, she felt ambushed by his comments. We had mediation. I told the woman that I had hope for my marriage when I was one on one with her and she called my wife in and told her, which really pissed her off. We’ve had a couple of nice talks but things are moving ahead towards divorce at this time.

I found the Solo Partner to be really helpful in giving me insight, specificities the Pursuer Withdrawer chapters and I think everyone should read that to understand their role. I also really did like No More Mr. Nice Guy. Ive been learning about Childhood Emotional Neglect, which is interesting. I’m now going to IC weekly to try to work on feeling my feelings.

My counselor, my divorce coach, and a good friend of mine who is getting divorced all seem to have hope in my situation, which is hard for me to see. My wife will be nice but then very cold. They seem to think that she isn’t sure what she wants, but we’re moving ahead so...

I’m trying to take care of myself and got a deep tissue massage last week for the first time, that was a game changer for about 48 hours. The best I’ve felt in years. Across the board I’m trying to find ways to re-energize and take care of myself. Sleep has gotten better and my appetite is coming back. Spring will help as I’ll be able to get outside more. Thinking about the future causing anxiety and I’m trying to focus in the moment.

I’m hopeful that as I go through counseling and work on myself I’ll become a better man, that hopefully she’ll trust in Scott 2.0 and we can move forward, but best case that is probably 3-4 months down the road and I’ll have to go through hell between now and then.

One little thing I’m doing that I think makes a difference is making eye contact when I talk to her. The eye is the window to the soul. I also read that if you look left eye to left eye, that helps with emotional connection. Might be total bullshit but I’ll try anything.

Last week I did grab dinner with a friend. In three weeks I have a guys trip planned and I did book another massage; so that’s kind of what’s been going on. I set a weekly coffee with a friend of mine to keep my spirits up. Life is really busy with kids stuff so hopefully I can get my mind off of some of this, but unlikely. The next mediation session is going to be a nightmare as we discuss the parenting plan.

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You really need to let go of trying to guess what she might be thinking, feeling, wanting. You will not find the silver bullet you are hoping for. The only way throug this is to focus on yourself and your wellbeing, emotional, physical, mental, financial and legal. Excercise, sleep, GAL. This is paramount.

Do not spend your time watching over your shoulder if she is pissy, hissy of any other type of-issy. Her mind must be racing in a million different directions and you need to let that go. Every time she is in a bad mood, I bet you are wondering what did you do wrong, or how to "fix" things for her. You can't, so, don't even try. She will only resent you for it.

Time to become a man. Becoming Scott 2.0 is for you, not for her.

Stay strong.

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