1st Anniversary of Limbo, Indecisive WAH (part 2)

[Pommy99]

Original thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2878856&page=1

My final post of #1, which sums up the last 12 months:
This week has been another rollercoaster and today is the one year anniversary of our dinner date where we went out and discussed what to do about the state of our marriage. I had been thinking about moving out. Back then we loathed each other. That night we went out and had fun, we laughed (I cried), it was like one of our early dates, I saw the man I had married for the first time in years, I realised how much I loved him and didn’t want to break up. We went home and ended our 12 month spell with no intimacy, it carried on for 36 hrs. I naively thought we would be ok.

But not a lot changed, and 4 weeks later, Mar 2019, I discovered a very intense but short-lived EA. I was devastated, he pulled me back in, another 2 days of passion ensued. But the EA continued amidst a pack of lies. We spent the next few months trying to get back on track, trying to build connection and intimacy, but his feelings for me had gone. The EA went away but then came back again. In Dec, he decided he was leaving, the EA was in full swing as I since found out. And then he said he wasn’t sure. And then he said he was leaving again. And here we are in Feb and the leaving/not leaving is ongoing.

Last weekend he went to view a rental; 4 days later he sent me a message proposing the purchase of property. The man that wants to leave me now wants to make a big financial commitment with me. The red flags were waving, it was surely a ploy to buy a home for him to move into? I suggested this, but no, he assured me that since viewing the rental, and being with me at the weekend, he was having nice feelings about us and got carried away with thinking about how we could,secure our future financially. He said he wasn’t ready to separate. That he has everything he wants with me but the passion is missing, but that in itself was not a valid reason to leave the marriage. He hadn’t realised the suggestion would upset me so much. I felt so broken, every time I seem to grab some control of my own, and think that I need to plan life without him, he throws in a curve ball. The rest of the week has been tense. He arrived home Thurs night, my barriers were up. I’d spent the 2 days since the suggestion of a 2nd property in a heap on the floor.

He wasn’t expecting me to be so tense and distant when he arrived home. I explained that his constant indecision was hard for me to deal with. He reacts to my tension by leaving me alone; I react to his being distant as uncaring and conclude that there is no way he thinks he has a future with me. We talked about this and he says we need to be authentic with each other, and not react to each other’s behaviours and moods. For me, being authentic is showing him affection, touching, kissing. All the anti-DB stuff. But at the same time, I am busy GAL, which I will continue to do.

Today we talked briefly about him wanting to leave. He said he doesn’t want to leave , that he’s trying to fix things, to do the right thing, and he thought I knew that. I feel pretty certain that the EA is now over, although I haven’t asked. I don’t know if this was on his terms, or if it was because he knew continued contact with the EA was a deal-breaker for me, or if he realised she wasn’t what he was looking for, or if he was worried about losing Plan B. Perhaps it’s all of those things.

I don’t know what “fixing things” means to him, I don’t know what “do the right thing” means. I don’t know why he thinks I know all this. Because DB says I should believe nothing he says.

I feel despondent because of the anniversary date. Tonight we are going out for dinner

***

So we went out for dinner, we had fun, we laughed a lot, we didn’t talk about the M. In a way it felt like I was on a first date - I was asking myself if I was attracted to the man across the table from me. He didn’t feel like my husband, else I’m sure we would’ve been talking about where we want to go on holiday in the summer, or what we might do next weekend together.

We got home, we cuddled, we fell asleep.

I am struggling with not being able to plan anything, not being able to talk about holidays, etc. Or maybe I should? Should I just carry on as if we will be having a family holiday and start talking about it?

***

Your h truly does not know what he wants. He sounds depressed and is looking for something to fix that "spark" that he had w/you a while ago. I would listen and validate whenever I could.

As for purchasing an additional house at this time, I wouldn't do it. If he does eventually opt to leave, he can rent a place. You do not want to tie up your money right now because he is still sitting on the fence. Until he has become truly transparent in everything and has earned your trust again, I would sit back, listen and observe.

Job, he is despressed and on anti-d meds. He desperately wants to get off them but feels he can’t as the situation is fuelling the depression. His confusion is suffocating him.

And agreed, I have no intention of entering into any new financial commitment with him. I think he realises now that the idea was not feasible.

[HesAble]

Pommy: so sorry you are on this roller coaster. I too am on one but the only difference is my H is not saying anything positive about our M at all. I am starting to feel like it is hopeless.

I agree that you should not make a big financial commitment with him at this time. However, it sounds like things are moving somewhat in the right direction with the dinner and all. I am a newbie to all this though.

[may22]

Hey Pommy,

My H has done the EXACT same thing about an investment property. Numerous times. I finally called him on it like why do you bounce back and forth between you want to leave and you want to buy an investment property when you know we shouldn't spend that money if we are going to get D? (I also was thinking a part of him wanted a place for him to live.) He said it was when he wanted to double down and refocus on the M, thinking about a new project like an investment property helped him -- just a reflection of the constant back and forth inside his own head.

I think the biggest, most important thing is to not get drawn into the craziness inside his head.

The rest of the week has been tense. He arrived home Thurs night, my barriers were up. I’d spent the 2 days since the suggestion of a 2nd property in a heap on the floor.

He wasn’t expecting me to be so tense and distant when he arrived home. I explained that his constant indecision was hard for me to deal with. He reacts to my tension by leaving me alone; I react to his being distant as uncaring and conclude that there is no way he thinks he has a future with me.

I know this is hard but can you work on not letting his words or behaviors or moods affect yours so much? Does picturing the steady strong lighthouse help? I think it will help a lot -- both for you and for him-- if you can get to a place mentally where every swing of his simply doesn't affect you like this.

I am struggling with not being able to plan anything, not being able to talk about holidays, etc. Or maybe I should? Should I just carry on as if we will be having a family holiday and start talking about it?

What do you want to do? This is what I did for our upcoming spring break-- we have been traveling the last two spring breaks with the same family with girls our daughters' age. H kept noodling about coaching a soccer tournament the second weekend of the break, and my daughter (on the team) was adamant that she preferred to take a vacation. I was (am) pretty sure the tournament was just an excuse. Finally I went ahead and made the plans with my friend, told H he could come for part of all of it depending on what is going on but I wasn't going to deny the kids this trip. It is a place that is actually pretty easy for him to come just for part of it if that is what he decides, and also not a huge deal if he doesn't come. Today he told me he will probably book his tickets for the whole thing.

On the other hand, I didn't force any vacation over Christmas-- there was nothing simple that wouldn't seem either a total F you to H if we went without him or like a weak ploy to get some family time on a vacation, and I decided for that break, it wouldn't kill them to be home. And we had fun staying home. So my suggestion would be do what you think is best for you and the kids. If you want to plan a vacation, do it! If you'd rather not add more pressure to the pot, then maybe plan something more low-key. But I think the trick is to do something you are comfortable with rather than just catering to his craziness.

[Pommy99]

Pommy: so sorry you are on this roller coaster. I too am on one but the only difference is my H is not saying anything positive about our M at all. I am starting to feel like it is hopeless.

I agree that you should not make a big financial commitment with him at this time. However, it sounds like things are moving somewhat in the right direction with the dinner and all. I am a newbie to all this though.

Don’t feel hopeless...you need to give it time. I know 3 months feels like an eternity, but it isn’t really. You are made of strong stuff and you seem to be figuring out your own thoughts - separating your own rational from irrational/reactive. That’s all you can focus on, because as everyone keeps reminding us, we have no control over their thoughts and actions. Over time you will see what your boundaries are and slowly you will feel like you are regaining a sense of control....but it’s a sense of control over yourself, because at the moment he is still controlling your situation and thoughts. I am still not fully out of that place but I am getting there little by little. You will too.

As for the dinner, we’ve had date nights and all sorts over the last year, been away together, but it hasn’t really changed anything...and it won’t....only he can change how he feels. All I can do is show him that I’m fun to be with. I guess that in itself serves as a reminder that we still know how to enjoy each other’s company, perhaps that is partly why he still hasn’t gone anywhere - he does say that he loves my company...but he wants something deeper.

[Pommy99]

May, how bizarre that your H has suggested the investment property too! My H said the thought of doing something positive WITH me gave him positive thoughts ABOUT me.

I keep telling myself to be the lighthouse, to just stay still and focused and let him find his way back if that’s what he chooses. I am STILL finding the weekly separation hard....after a year, I am still crippled with anxiety while he is away. He did say last week he didn’t go out socialising at all, that he did it for me, to show me he’s trying to do the right thing. I need to detach more, I’m clearly not doing well with this.

Re the holidays, unfortunately any trip would be abroad, so not just a case of booking accommodation, but would need flights as well. I would feel uneasy booking 3 flights and not 4. He has said about 5 times in the last few weeks “I want to go back to XXXX” (island we went to 3 years ago, and he knows it was my favourite holiday ever ). Is that a green light or a hint that he wants to go away? Would he say it if he had no desire to actually go with me? I don’t want to read anything into this but I am intrigued as to why he keeps saying it. He said it again when we were out on Saturday night....then the waiter came over and we never finished the conversation!

[wooba]

I would say plan the vacation for your and your children, but leave him the invitation to join. He can book his own flight and accommodations. So you are not so hung up on basing your decisions on what he’s “hinting” you.

On another thread I read that you fear that if you act okay without him, he might be comfortable to leave. A wise man named Steve85 once told me that that fear will be your downfall. I had the same fear. But you need to overcome it, because you will be okay if he leaves. That’s where you’d want to be, a place of strength where you will be fine with or without him. It’s his decision ultimately, and you can’t subject yourself to living under that fear.

[may22]

Re the holidays, unfortunately any trip would be abroad, so not just a case of booking accommodation, but would need flights as well. I would feel uneasy booking 3 flights and not 4. He has said about 5 times in the last few weeks “I want to go back to XXXX” (island we went to 3 years ago, and he knows it was my favourite holiday ever ). Is that a green light or a hint that he wants to go away? Would he say it if he had no desire to actually go with me? I don’t want to read anything into this but I am intrigued as to why he keeps saying it. He said it again when we were out on Saturday night....then the waiter came over and we never finished the conversation!

The weirdness about booking flights is the same reason I stayed here over Christmas break. For spring break, I talked about it with him before buying three tickets only-- and I do have the built-in excuse of the soccer tournament he was thinking about coaching, so it wasn't like I was purposefully leaving him out. Plus he only wants to fly one airline to get miles and that airline doesn't fly direct to where we're going, so that is another good excuse for him/us-- he is flying separately to get the miles and will meet us there if he wants. Anyway. I made it work this time and we'll see if he comes or not.

What if you looked into the place he has been mentioning (assuming you want to go there too), see if you can find good deals on flights and accommodations and then say (before you actually book the tickets) hey! I found a good deal to XXX, what do you think? Or I have three tickets on hold and am going to purchase for me and the kids, LMK if you want to come too. Another thing I did for awhile was send him emails with good flight deals in them (I'm signed up for a bunch because I love to travel) and back when things were good it was a way to spark conversations about places we wanted to go, and maybe we would pull the trigger and buy tix. I stopped doing that over the fall because he never responded and I decided it felt like pressure. But if you think your H wouldn't perceive it as pressure, maybe just send him a link that shows flights costing X (assuming they're a good deal) and letting him take it from there if he so chooses.

And again... it isn't the worst thing in the world to have a stay-cation. That can be fun too, exploring your own hometown and playing tourist, or still taking time off of work, staying home and playing board games and puzzles with the kids. Decide what it is YOU want to do and then plan from there.

[Pommy99]

May, Wooba thanks for your advice. I hadn’t made any decisions about holidays. He’s home for 12 days (instead of 4) so I had been planning to see how things were by the end of this week and then reassess whether I thought we were in a place of togetherness and could think about family holidays. We were both working at home on Friday and he spent ages telling me about place XXX that he wants to go back to, and searching for some photos that had popped up on his homepage that week. All great, it seemed.

However, that night, I got another one of those mini-BDs, where he announced again that he wanted to leave, stating that he was in a deep depression and that he couldn’t see any way out of this situation other then to break up. I was reeling, and asked him to clarify that he was saying that our marriage was over. His response was yes, I guess so.

The next morning, I asked some more questions about when he was planning on telling the kids, where he was going to live etc. He said I had forced him into making a decision the night before when all he had said was that he was being distant because he was depressed, and couldn’t see any way his feelings for me would return. He then said I was moving too fast for him, that we didn’t need to tell the kids now, that he wasn’t saying it was over. I was so confused.

I then got the usual explanation about no sexual attraction, but this time he went deeper and said that he feels that I controlled things for so long (ref SSM) in that department, and rejected him for so long, that for me to suddenly want him back was hard to deal with as it was just me controlling the situation again and he feels there is something psychologically blocking him from wanting to be intimate with me. I validated this and said I was sorry for the way I had treated him and the pain I had caused. (He does already know that I wasn’t feeling what I needed to feel during that time to be intimate with him, and he accepts that). What I am struggling with though, is that at no point did I ever look at another man or tell H that I still wanted to be in a sexual relationship, just not with him. This is what hurts me now. He has told me he wants sx, just not with me.

I feel like after a year of limbo, I can’t do this anymore. His feelings haven’t changed in a year and I don’t see how they will. He seems ever closer to leaving, but admits he doesn’t like change and upheaval. I desperately want to sit back and observe, be the lighthouse, but I don’t know if I’ve got that left in me.

[Pommy99]

I feel like after a year of limbo, I can’t do this anymore. His feelings haven’t changed in a year and I don’t see how they will. He seems ever closer to leaving, but admits he doesn’t like change and upheaval. I desperately want to sit back and observe, be the lighthouse, but I don’t know if I’ve got that left in me.

Heck, what was I worried about saying not sure if I can do this! H has just told me straight up that he knows deep in his heart that he wants to S/D, that he doesn’t want to wake up every day feeling unhappy and guilty, that the only reason he is still here is because of me and the children, that he’s tried everything to invoke positive feelings (let’s get a dog/buy an investment property/go on holiday) but he keeps going back to feeling deeply unhappy and it’s the R that’s killing him. He is going to look at rentals tomorrow, something he booked earlier today before I got home.

I’ve crumbled in front of him and sobbed my heart out.

I guess my only move is to GAL, detach and plan life without him.

[cardinal]

Pommy, I’m so sorry. Sending so many hugs. It’s so hard to get through these moments. Let yourself feel all the feelings you need to feel. I struggle with this, but I really do think it’s necessary to feel all the sadness and anger, etc. in order to continue detaching and become stronger in yourself. It sounds like H really needs to work out his unhappiness and is (wrongly) convinced it’s due to you and the R. This seems so common here, and I know it is similar with my H. It’s hard for me to internalize that this is not on us as LBSes to fix, but I know it’s true. Your H thinks he will find happiness away from the R, but he really has to find it in himself, and that is the real issue. I’m writing here what I’m trying to tell myself: letting your H go and discover he’s got to look within himself is perhaps just another step that’s needed on the path to a new marriage and a healthier H, if that is what future you would want.