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#2884164 02/05/20 06:30 PM
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22 Years Gone Part 1
22 Years Gone Part 2

Summary:

My XW and I had been together since we met in college back in 1997. We got married in 2002 and had our daughter in 2006. In 2008 she had an affair on me with the husband of a couple we were really good friends with. She was the one who pursued him and he broke it off to save his marriage with his wife. I was in hell for 4 months until she agreed to work on the relationship, which I thought had been going great for the next 10 years. A year ago D14 and myself had noticed she was pulling away but thought it was because of how busy we all were. May 23 XW decided to BD me right before my birthday and a big Hawaii trip we had been planning for 4 years. She said it was not because of a guy but D14 told me she had been seeing her hold hands and spending a lot of time with her best friends dad. XW moved out one day after BD and has never been back or talked about the R or seen me other than at D14 drop off since then. XW had an appointment with a divorce attorney within a week of leaving, so to protect myself financially and to protect my time with D14 I contacted my own lawyer. I had my lawyer draw up the paperwork and when XW got back from the Hawaii trip she was given the papers and she signed them and within a couple weeks it was over.

It has been a little over 8 months now and the relationship between XW and D14 is hostile at best. XW has decided to try to amend the divorce and is trying to change the financial, custody, and visitation agreements that were signed off by the judge in July. As a result of this D14 has retained her own lawyer and will be trying to amend the visitation schedule to the least possible amount of time the judge will allow her to spend with her mom. D14 is also talking to the lawyer about her rights during visitations with her mom. XW has responded to all of this with accusations I have emotionally abused her and has hinted at sexual and physical abuse. I have gone extremely dim only communicating with XW when legally necessary as it relates to D14. I wish my XW well and hope she can move on. Regardless of her decisions I am moving forward and creating new dreams and goals that assume I am a single dad.

Last edited by rooskers; 02/05/20 06:36 PM.

1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Joined: Aug 2019
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I am a little nervous because my ex mother in law is coming up for a visit. I "won" her in the divorce because my XW has disowned her mom and is accusing her of abuse alongside me. I do not want D14 to lose her grandma because of the divorce so I will learn to navigate a relationship that is fraught with unknowns. D14's grandma has been through a lot and admits that she herself should probably be in therapy. I know that it is a very real possibility that her and my XW will patch things up even if it isn't in a healthy way. I will just be sure to set extremely strong boundaries so I don't get sucked into their possible drama.

On a good note I haven't received any accusatory or threatening emails from my XW in awhile. Poor D14 thinks this is only the calm before the storm. I wonder if XW is finally realizing that her problem is not her relationship with me, that is over, but her relationship with D14. If she can only realize that I am not the enemy and neither is D14. She should look in the mirror if she truly wants to find the source of her problems. It is a difficult thing to look at oneself fully and be willing to see the darkness that exists. I have learned I am capable of anger I never thought possible. It frightened me immensely.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
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Thinking of you buddy. I'll be back later with some support and thoughts as I'm a little jammed at the moment. Stay strong Roo!


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 9
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Don't we all wish they would just look in the mirror to see their problems lol! Can't agree more brother. Hope you are getting a nice break with the calm at least.


Been around since Sept 2019. Will post my sitch soon.
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Originally Posted by rooskers
On a good note I haven't received any accusatory or threatening emails from my XW in awhile. Poor D14 thinks this is only the calm before the storm. I wonder if XW is finally realizing that her problem is not her relationship with me, that is over, but her relationship with D14. If she can only realize that I am not the enemy and neither is D14. She should look in the mirror if she truly wants to find the source of her problems. It is a difficult thing to look at oneself fully and be willing to see the darkness that exists. I have learned I am capable of anger I never thought possible. It frightened me immensely.


She's on a roller coaster and will be for quite some time. Don't be fooled into thinking that because she's in a valley right now that she will stay there. Oh no, she will climb to the next peak and be in full "crazy" mode again. You've got to focus on detaching and leave her to figure out her own mess. You said above "on a good note" when in fact it shouldn't matter to you. Who cares if she sends you accusations and threats, file them in a "crazy ex wife" folder and go about your day. I think you're still giving her more control over your life, your PMA and your outlook then you should. Detach, detach, detach!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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You're a better person than me by far. I don't wish her well at all.

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Who cares if she sends you accusations and threats, file them in a "crazy ex wife" folder and go about your day. I think you're still giving her more control over your life, your PMA and your outlook then you should. Detach, detach, detach!

You are exactly right AS and that is what I am working on in IC. I think I am just extra triggered right now because my ex mother in law is coming up tomorrow and for some reason it is causing problems in my detaching. In addition to that it is close to Valentine's Day and even though she never got me anything or did anything for me on that day, I always did. I will reflect on why this is happening and try to let the feelings pass. My theme this year is "Let it Go!" Just as she is on a roller coaster, I realize I am on one myself and I need to understand that I have the choice at anytime to get off the ride. Thank you AS for staying with me.

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You've got to focus on detaching and leave her to figure out her own mess.

I am very proud of my accomplishment in leaving her to figure out her own mess. I have not engaged her at all and never respond to her emails unless my lawyer tells me to address certain things or it involves D14.

usc thanks for checking in with me.

DS don't worry I know you are going through a lot as well.

kas99 I think this is easy because you are not attached to her in anyway. I loved her with all my heart for 22 years and so I understand that the lens I see her thru is extremely distorted. Logically I see she is not the person I thought she was but my heart wants to see her different. Some day I hope my heart and mind can come to some sort of understanding with each other.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
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Hey Roo,

Good luck with D's grandma. It's a good thing she's on board and like you said, very important to maintain that for your D.

I think AS nailed what should be your mantra for whether or not XW is nice or not. Keep that even keel irrespective of what she says. She cannot hurt you anymore, and her threats mean nothing unless you give them credence and react to them. All you can control is your reaction, or lack thereof. Look at my sitch with the storage saga and the veiled threats. I didnt react and with the guidance of the forum responded in even tones. It worked - no backlash.

I've been meaning to ask what else you've been doing for GAL? Any particular things you're doing for yourself only? Did you get any bonsai?

Stay strong buddy.

Cheers DS


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
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Good luck with D's grandma. It's a good thing she's on board and like you said, very important to maintain that for your D.

D14's grandma visited and it helped to gather even more insight to what my XW is feeling. XW accuses her mom in emails of emotionally abusing her, asks her mom "why are you hurting me," and accuses her of physically assaulting her in Hawaii. XW does not feel safe near her mom and is a victim. XW has never done anything wrong in her life and hasn't deserved the abuse everyone has inflicted on her. She did make a small comment in her email that she has made mistakes. XW is glad to have finally met her new friends that understand and accept who she is. She wishes her mom good luck but for her safety can never have a relationship with her. She then tells her mom if you want a relationship you have to admit and agree with me on how you abused me all these years. Her mom replied and countered all the allegations and even apologized to her for some she felt were true. XW just told her mom "those are your perceptions and you are allowed to have them even if they are wrong and mine are right."

She has told her mom she had to leave me because for 22 years she ran and worked out all the time to escape the verbal/emotional/physical/sexual abuse I would inflict on her. She resented the fact she was the primary bread winner and was tired of asking permission to buy things. She felt that since she made the majority of money she should be able to buy anything she wanted. She told her mom the only reason I had stayed in the marriage was because I wanted her money. She doesn't understand what she did wrong to warrant me taking D14 away from her but thinks it was probably to get revenge on her for leaving.

She believes she is healthy and doing great at work. She is even getting more advanced training to be promoted into a position that will require more of her expertise and time. She tells her mom she is depressed, can hardly concentrate at work, afraid of getting fired, has insomnia, has anxiety, faints a lot, has amnesia, and needs D14 to have a reason to live. Yes, all of that was in the same email and to XW is not contradictory at all. She tells her mom how poor she is and that she won't be able to afford her lease without getting a roommate and even then she will most likely have to move out and stay with one of her friends. She also said her new position gave her a very nice raise so she is making more money.

What did I get out of reading all those emails? I am glad my XW left me and I truly hope she can find peace in her life. Almost all of the above was not true and the allegations that had some truth to it were so distorted you couldn't really tell what was true about and what wasn't. In her fantasy world everyone in her life the past 22 years was abusing her. Why would she not want to leave? I can tell her and show her in a million ways I am not mad at her but if she feels I am it doesn't matter. I can tell her I love her and want to be with her for her in a million ways but if she doesn't trust me it does no good. Reality or fantasy she was miserable and didn't want to share any of her pain with her family. So she ran until she couldn't run anymore. She then left and found a new family for a clean slate.

Quote
I've been meaning to ask what else you've been doing for GAL? Any particular things you're doing for yourself only? Did you get any bonsai?

GAL is difficult while raising D14 full-time and I am not able to get out and socialize much but I am working on things around the house. The front yard automatic sprinklers need fixing and I am trying to get raised beds to plant a garden next year in the backyard. I have been getting back into cooking and am proud to say D14 and I eat a homemade meal every night at the table for dinner. When the weather permits I like to go hiking. This weekend I decided to get a brand new bed, nightstand, and dresser for my bedroom. So far this has helped my sleep at night tremendously. My room is now mine and not a ghostly presence of my marriage bedroom. I can tell the interior decorating is losing my XW's influence and is taking shape from D14 and my own tastes. It has been fun to see the changes. I am starting to shape some of the plants in my house to practice my bonsai skills.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 239
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So I just got an email from XW. Remember I have been accused of causing extreme distancing, abuse, controlling behavior, parental alienation, manipulation, etc.

"Does D14 want to spend time with me Friday, or this weekend?"

This is XW's visitation time with D14 so technically D14 should go with her. If I ask D14 what she would like and respond to my XW with her answer, which will likely be no, then I will likely get an email accusing me of not following the parenting plan and preventing her from seeing D14. If I don't respond I usually get an email that says I am not being a good co-parent or communicating with her in regards to D14. If I have D14 take care of it since it is her time with her mom then I usually receive an email saying I put D14 in the middle of a parenting decision. If I tell XW this would be a great question for D14 and you should ask her then I get an email telling me visitation is a legal agreement between the two of us and not D14. D14 therapist has asked XW to leave me out of things like this because it causes an unhealthy communication triangle but I still get these emails that either ask me for permission to see her, ask me what the plans are, or something like it. I can't seem to escape being put in a no win situation.

Any help would be appreciated since I have tried all of the above and am running out of ideas.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
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