A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL JANUARY OFFER -- SAVE $60
THREE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE COACHING SESSION FOR ONLY $330

CALL 303-444-7004 or use code: SAVE_$60 in the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Re: Stranger In My House Part 3 [Re: HesAble] #2886311
02/19/20 01:00 PM
02/19/20 01:00 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
H
HesAble Offline OP
Member
HesAble  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
Does detaching mean being comfortable around H because you don't care one way or another? I try to avoid being in the same room with H because he irks me (this is how he acted toward me after the 1st DB last year. I kept wondering why he was working so hard to avoid me.). Guess I'd better keep working on my detachment skills.

Last edited by HesAble; 02/19/20 01:01 PM.

H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9
BD - 11/2019
Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Re: Stranger In My House Part 3 [Re: HesAble] #2886331
02/19/20 02:43 PM
02/19/20 02:43 PM
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 556
W
wooba Offline
Member
wooba  Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 556
I think so. Basically you are unaffected by him. I think you are getting there. First the sadness, then the anger, and then you wanna eventually reach a place of indifference. Loving indifference maybe. I think compassion is important.


BD: Sep 2019
H moved out: Oct 2019
3 kids under 12
Re: Stranger In My House Part 3 [Re: wooba] #2886423
02/19/20 08:24 PM
02/19/20 08:24 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
H
HesAble Offline OP
Member
HesAble  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by wooba
I think so. Basically you are unaffected by him. I think you are getting there. First the sadness, then the anger, and then you wanna eventually reach a place of indifference. Loving indifference maybe. I think compassion is important.


I have definitely not reached loving indifference and I could work on compassion. Earlier on, I think I had compassion (oh, he must be in emotional turmoil, he must have been affected by his parents' bad example of marriage, blah, blah, blah). Now I am just like "he is such a jerk, I hope he gets what's coming to him." That is bad, I know, but it is true. I will try to get the compassion back.

Detachment is a difficult balance. Don't care too much, but care just enough not to become completely apathetic.


H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9
BD - 11/2019
Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Re: Stranger In My House Part 3 [Re: HesAble] #2886445
02/19/20 09:47 PM
02/19/20 09:47 PM
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 485
C
cardinal Offline
Member
cardinal  Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 485
Originally Posted by HesAble
Now I am just like "he is such a jerk, I hope he gets what's coming to him." That is bad, I know, but it is true. I will try to get the compassion back.

Detachment is a difficult balance. Don't care too much, but care just enough not to become completely apathetic.


FWIW, HesAble, I have those kind of thoughts too from time to time, but they tend to be fleeting and replaced soon enough by more of a compassionate indifference, if I don't dwell on them. I think it's helped me to acknowledge that attitude when it comes and not beat myself up for feeling that way, but to actually try to detach from the feeling itself too. I don't feed it, if that makes sense. I let it pass through my mind and body (because the thought is often attached to feelings of hurt, anger, sadness), and move on to whatever else I'm doing in the moment, and it dissolves eventually. I figure the less I focus on it, the more room will be made for compassionate indifference in its place.


T: 16 M:10
BD 6/2019
Re: Stranger In My House Part 3 [Re: HesAble] #2886528
02/20/20 02:06 PM
02/20/20 02:06 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
H
HesAble Offline OP
Member
HesAble  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
So now that I am ignoring H and not wanting to communicate with him or be around him, he is texting more. I am completely ignoring messages that do not relate to the children at this point. I have checked out of the M at this point. I don't know if this is good or bad and do not really care. This is what I have to do to get off this painful emotional roller coaster ride I have been on for months.

In my view, a separation is really what we need. That way, I would not need to see him except when handing off the children to him. He has wounded me so much and I just want time to heal without seeing him/his belongings or hearing him or even smelling his cologne.

I know that true detachment would allow me to cope better but I am not there yet. I am not even sure I want the M to work anymore. I wanted it to work for my children's sake, to keep our family intact but I now realize that it is also harmful for the children not to see a good example of M. What they have been seeing is absolutely toxic and dysfunctional. I do not want them growing up thinking this is what married people do and what wives tolerate.


H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9
BD - 11/2019
Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Re: Stranger In My House Part 3 [Re: HesAble] #2886539
02/20/20 02:49 PM
02/20/20 02:49 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 373
W
wayfarer Offline
Member
wayfarer  Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 373
Originally Posted by HesAble
So now that I am ignoring H and not wanting to communicate with him or be around him, he is texting more. I am completely ignoring messages that do not relate to the children at this point. I have checked out of the M at this point. I don't know if this is good or bad and do not really care. This is what I have to do to get off this painful emotional roller coaster ride I have been on for months.


HesAble this is detachment. This is what everyone has been pushing for for you. Carefully choosing your communication. Going about your life as if he's never coming back. Maybe you are totally checked out and you're ready to move on for real. And if that's the case that's a huge step and that's awesome. But there's a pretty broad line between checking out of his drama and checking out of the marriage entirely you may want to take some time in the future to assess which it really is.

Originally Posted by HesAble
In my view, a separation is really what we need. That way, I would not need to see him except when handing off the children to him. He has wounded me so much and I just want time to heal without seeing him/his belongings or hearing him or even smelling his cologne.


If you've seen my thread recently you know this is exactly where I stand. Slightly different reasons, but where I stand the same. The one thing I'd like you to think about though is my H is around all the time, especially in the last few weeks. He hasn't spent a night away in over 2 weeks. And even then it was only one night every 10-14 days max. Our IHS is barely a separation. We are on top of each other all the time. You guys have been in a self-imposed by H separation for some time now. This is another thing I think some time in the future you really need to sit in and think about. Living in two households means a lot of different things. And you may want to think about what you'd like to go forward doing besides not having him around you like trial separation, legal separation, legal separation leading to a divorce. Some of that you can figure out later but if you're going to ask him to go I think you need to know exactly what you want.

Originally Posted by HesAble
I know that true detachment would allow me to cope better but I am not there yet. I am not even sure I want the M to work anymore. I wanted it to work for my children's sake, to keep our family intact but I now realize that it is also harmful for the children not to see a good example of M. What they have been seeing is absolutely toxic and dysfunctional. I do not want them growing up thinking this is what married people do and what wives tolerate.


Someone posted the other day that there is no real way for a LBS to every fully detach. Because how could a person fully detach from someone they love. I think there's a lot of truth in that. The amount you are detaching is helping you cope. But I strongly suggest an IC and if you have one moving up how often you see them. You've been struggling a while but you are really starting to sound like you know what you want, just maybe not exactly how you're going to get there. They will help you get there, and help you with coping mechanisms along the way. You're so right about keeping your family together for the sake of keeping it together. Kids are never, never a good enough sole reason to keep a relationship together. Especially in a toxic situation. I made that mistake the first time around. Your kids are young enough that they are still very resilient. You have to do what's best for you and them. And in a year or two you all will be in a much better happier space. There's no shame in doing what you know is best for all of you, even if that's walking away.

Re: Stranger In My House Part 3 [Re: HesAble] #2886941
02/23/20 06:14 AM
02/23/20 06:14 AM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
H
HesAble Offline OP
Member
HesAble  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
I agree that I probably need to see my IC more often. Right now, I see her once every 2 weeks. I could probably benefit from a weekly session with her.

I agree that kids cannot be the sole reason for staying in this toxic relationship. Short of a miracle, this marriage is completely dead and cannot be revived in its current state. I pray that my children will be resilient as this saga continues.


H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9
BD - 11/2019
Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Re: Stranger In My House Part 3 [Re: HesAble] #2887006
02/24/20 01:25 PM
02/24/20 01:25 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
H
HesAble Offline OP
Member
HesAble  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
No surprise, H was away all weekend and returned late yesterday. Do these wayward spouses seriously not consider that small kids are watching? I totally don't understand the not having a moral compass thing. It baffles me.

I am still GALing and still do not see how this marriage could ever be repaired. He has sucked every single ounce of love/attraction out of me with his narcissistic behavior. If we stay together at this point, it truly would only be for the kids. That would obviously not work. Such a sad state of affairs but I am at peace with it all. I have done what I could to try to salvage things but H has no desire to do so. I am tired of his crap and tired of fighting alone for a relationship that wasn't solid anyway.

Focusing now on the lawyer piece.


H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9
BD - 11/2019
Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Re: Stranger In My House Part 3 [Re: HesAble] #2887342
02/26/20 08:16 PM
02/26/20 08:16 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
H
HesAble Offline OP
Member
HesAble  Offline OP
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
This rekindling old friendships has been life-altering for me! I am in better spirits than I have been for months! I am laughing and smiling more. Even my kids are commenting on how I seem much happier. I am even starting to feel like I am actually happier with old friends than I have been with H for a very long time. And while I had been questioning his rewriting history and saying we hadn't been happy for a long time, my newfound good times with old friends is making me start to wonder if what he is saying might actually be true. Perhaps I am happier without his antics after all.


H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9
BD - 11/2019
Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Re: Stranger In My House Part 3 [Re: HesAble] #2887379
02/27/20 12:07 AM
02/27/20 12:07 AM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 306
P
Pommy99 Offline
Member
Pommy99  Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 306
Originally Posted by HesAble
. And while I had been questioning his rewriting history and saying we hadn't been happy for a long time, my newfound good times with old friends is making me start to wonder if what he is saying might actually be true. Perhaps I am happier without his antics after all.


Im pleased to here you are enjoying GALing - you make it sound so effortless- a state Id love to get to.

Im totally with you on your sentiments that H might be right on some things after all, as I am starting to feel similar in my sitch. I often hadnt wanted to admit to myself that things had been as bad as H was making out, but in the back of my mind, I think he is often right. I think this has come about through validating, by actually listening to him and seeing things through his eyes. Its made me take a look at myself, my contribution to the marriage breakdown and how unhappy Id become.

Keep up the good work as it seems to be bringing you greater clarity as time goes on.


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-Apr 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
Page 6 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004