My eldest will be off to uni in October and I'm going to miss him but am also so excited for his next stage of life. Plus I'm looking forward to visiting him at uni if he lets me! He has really grown up since BD, I know it's been harder for him than for youngest, but I think this is a time of great change for them anyway as they approach the final years of school and get girlfriends and jobs and other responsibilities, and he has really stepped up to these responsibilities.
I hope your H does start to take better care of himself, for everyone's sake. As you know, this is my H's main downfall, maybe because he feels unworthy of anyone's care, including his own. Well done to you for being assertive. I don't see H enough to be consistently assertive, but it's something I work on with others all the time and I know how hard it is... I see a bright future for you Alison
Well - what a crazy time we are all living through right now.
I am working at home - my workplace is entirely closed down and I had one day's notice to clear what I needed from my office and move over to remote working. My employer has provided equipment and online training on new systems so it's better for me than a lot of people, but it's been stressful - especially as I now have two kids at home with me and am also trying to home ed them.
Eldest is very wobbly: missing his friends, worried about the disruption to his schooling, worried about sports trips planned that he will miss out on, annoyed that I can't be constantly available to him. I hope he will settle in a few days once he starts to make online contact with his peer group and get used to the online classroom stuff his school has set up.
Youngest I think is taking less of it in - we try not to have the news on too much when she's around - but is being more clingy and waking up early in the morning. I am trying to just keep her in a good routine and not over-react to the small stuff. With all of us in the house, it is going to be hard and we will have bad days and I may as well just accept this before we start.
H, as I think I said before, works in medicine. He's been called in for extra shifts and also put on call. He's already stressed and anxious and exhausted. But you know - he is doing well. I can see him trying to take care of me and the kids in his 'acts of service' way as well as trying to be more emotionally available. He's been more respectful of the fact that if it is down to me to work at home and home educate the kids, then he's going to have to let me devise a way to do that and sort out their routines etc, and he can't be critical of me all the time when he's hardly in the house. And I've been working to make sure he has the space he needs. Things are only going to get worse for him at work personally and the whole world, but so far, we are doing okay.
Alison, in times of high stress I think those who choose "divide and conquer" often do well. I like that you and H have (perhaps non-verbally) taken on specific roles to handle and then are respecting one another to handle those roles. I can't imagine the stress your H is under, and I think it's great that he is for now trying to reign that energy in for good, and not lashing out.
You both have a lot on your plate, but perhaps that takes the microscope off of your sitch?
Hi Alison, it sounds like you're doing just fine. I am pretty relaxed about any 'education' my kids are getting. This is a time to survive, not to try to excel. My kids are old enough to not need nagging, and they are curious about the world and learn a lot independently outside any schoolwork, so I am trusting them to get on with things. Ds1 bought a keyboard and he and ds2 have been hanging out together playing it! Your H seems to be getting his priorities right even under a lot of pressure, I hope that continues. Good luck in establishing a decent routine, at least you have your dog to walk! I kind of wish I'd got one now, the main reason I didn't was because I was going to go travelling this year. Ha!
Well today was a hard day, and yesterday too. Or rather, most of it was fine but there were small parts that were very hard.
We're on lockdown now, which isn't too different for us given that with Eldest's health problems we've been seeing nobody and going out only for strict essentials for a little while now. The kids are unsettled - obviously - but it being fine weather has helped as they've been out in the garden a lot and applying themselves to their school work with more dilligence than I expected (early days, and the novelty of it all will wear off soon, I am sure).
Eldest and H have clashed a few times. I can see that Eldest badly badly needs less micro-management and in my view, H could pick his battles a bit more and back off from the conflict that Eldest sometimes angles for. He seems to treat them both the same in terms of routines and expectations, without realising there's a big age gap between them and Eldest appropriately needs less nagging and supervision. It's the same old thing - magnified, I guess, because so much else is stressful - H comes down on Eldest hard, unnecessarily so in my view, or will after a conflict like a dog with a bone (he isn't shouting - he's icy calm and persistent and dogged until he goads Eldest into a meltdown) and then when the meltdown happens, works at blaming me for it because if I was as hard as he is, Eldest wouldn't be disobedient.
I know part of this is the stress of the confinement. Part of it is growing pains: H doesn't like to be disrespected, and he sees Eldest's disagreement and independence and resistance at being treated like a child as disrespect. Most children and parents have to go through this.
I think my best plan is to leave them to it. H is not shouting or agressive: he's just know-it-all and unpleasant and I find him incredibly unattractive and unpleasant to be around when he's in this mood. H doesn't like me much when I don't back him up, and I am sure he feels that I don't respect his parenting choice in this area. Well, the fact is that I don't.
Eldest comes to me to complain about his father - says things like 'he just can't leave it,' and 'he just can't bear to be wrong' and his Father comes to me to complain about Eldest along the same lines. Eldest is capable of apologising when given time to calm down, and admitting fault, and attempting to do things differently. I see much less of that in H and so does Eldest, which feeds into the disrespect.
I wish he was a better parent. He is doing better than he was. I am sure he wishes I was a better parent too. I am trying to put a lot of slack into this, and give everyone a lot of grace and compassion as these are pretty crazy times and I am sure families up and down the country are having melt-downs and difficulties right now.
But I don't like feeling this way about my husband. He has been wanting to initiate sex with me and I have tried, but I just can't get into it. Part of it is that I am finding it hard to unwind and the general anxiety of the world's situation has put its affect on me. And part of it is that I find his know-it-all dominant behaviour, locking horns with a teenager and having to 'win' every interaction deeply, deeply unattractive. I'm afraid I've told him this. It probably wasn't the best idea, and I don't think I am being manipulative, only honest, but perhaps STFU would have been a better choice. I don't know.
Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I suspect H will be working a hell of a lot over the next few weeks, which should make things easier. I find Eldest and Youngest and household stuff much easier to manage when he isn't around, to be honest.
Alison, in times of high stress I think those who choose "divide and conquer" often do well. I like that you and H have (perhaps non-verbally) taken on specific roles to handle and then are respecting one another to handle those roles. I can't imagine the stress your H is under, and I think it's great that he is for now trying to reign that energy in for good, and not lashing out.
You both have a lot on your plate, but perhaps that takes the microscope off of your sitch?
Stay well.
I think this 'divide and conquer' approach works well for us, Yail. Or at least, it has been doing. We all need a lot more space and that's showing today. It also bothers me that our divide is so gendered - me being the woman at home in charge of house and hearth and kids, and him out in the world being heroic. But that's just my bad temper and I've kept it to myself. It does make me reflect, though, on how much of the deep-seated resentment in our relationship came from the fact that H felt powerless and like he didn't have a role in our marriage - I have always been the higher earner and up until recently the needs of my career came first. And generally I have had better relationships with the children too. He's probably felt pushed out and having a clear role (at the moment, that's working and going and getting supplies for us and doing all the 'outside' stuff - as the rest of us have to stay inside) seems to have made things easier. I feel a little sad that we're not able to co-operate as parents today - I can't get on board with his need to dominate and win every minor skirmish with Eldest and I believe that's more to do with his need for a show of respect / submission than I think it is to do with what is best for the kids - but we've had a bad day today and I will probably feel different tomorrow.
I hope things have improved! My H was pretty similar, he really struggled with the kids gaining independence and not being small children any more. Probably because he was home so little that he missed them growing up. Staying out of their clashes and not taking sides seems sensible. Re the sex, maybe telling him what you need to want to have sex might be more successful than telling him what you find unattractive? Does that make sense? It sounds like he will be too busy to bother with sex or with battling eldest anyway soon! Stay strong xx
It's a little more peaceful. They started up again a couple of days ago, and I (very bad DBing here) totally lost my temper, told them they were both as bad as each other and I wasn't going to be involved in their disputes anymore. I said the way Eldest spoke to H was unacceptable, and it was no wonder H wasn't particularly warm towards him or inclined to cut him much slack given how reactive and disrespectful he was. And I said H was goady and nit-picking and controlling and it was no wonder Eldest was reactive and surly with him. And as neither of them were interested in making any changes to how they acted towards each other, they could work it out between themselves but I was no longer willing to listen to either complain about the other, no matter what.
I think I have been trying, more or less, to do 'united front' parenting with H. And that works up to a point - but he is such a whining control freak when it comes to Eldest. And Eldest is a young man: the strategies that you might use with a younger child just don't apply to him. This is more of a relationship issue that a parenting issue. And both of them use me to triangulate: Eldest will complain about his father (and I validate) then H will be annoyed at me because I've been validating Eldest, or H will whine and moan about Eldest, and I validate, but if I do anything other than accept full blame and responsibility and vow to do better, he's displeased, and I am just so so so sick of it. A few days ago it got to the point where I'd left the room to do some work in my home office, and my phone was exploding with them both text messaging me complaining about the other. Lockdown has of course amplified this, but I am so done.
It was, as you can imagine, quite a lecture. Both of them were shocked. But I don't care and I mean to stick to it. Eldest isn't in any danger from H - H can be unpleasant and mean and quite cutting, but Eldest will have to learn that's the reaction he gets when he's so disrespectful and reactive. And H will have to learn that if he wants a better relationship with Eldest, he will have to look at his own approach. And until they learn to do that (both of them - and I hold out no particular hope) nothing will change. But I won't participate any more.
Both have tried testing these boundaries. Eldest tried, and I just gave him a warning and he left the room and was fine. H wanted to complain about how unfair it was that I said they were both as bad as each other. I said 'Yes. I appreciate you don't like my opinion. I don't plan on sharing it with you again but it is my opinion. And I don't plan having this conversation with you either now or in the future,' and I went back to my book. Unusually, he accepted that in fairly good humour.
So we will see how this new approach goes. I have noticed that the more assertive I am, the better for me things tend to be.
Sounds like you did a great job Alison and your message was received. Good for you. I completely agree with you. Parenting changes as kids age...it is supposed to. Your job when they are younger is to be the teacher and external control agent. And once they reach a certain age, your job is to be more of a guide and advisor and hopefully, if they have learned what you have taught them, the “control” comes from inside of them. This is a hard transition for some parents to make but it is a developmental necessity and the next step towards becoming a functional adult. I think you did exactly what you needed to do. Eldest and H will figure it out. (((HUGS)))
Sounds like you did a great job Alison and your message was received. Good for you. I completely agree with you. Parenting changes as kids age...it is supposed to. Your job when they are younger is to be the teacher and external control agent. And once they reach a certain age, your job is to be more of a guide and advisor and hopefully, if they have learned what you have taught them, the “control” comes from inside of them. This is a hard transition for some parents to make but it is a developmental necessity and the next step towards becoming a functional adult. I think you did exactly what you needed to do. Eldest and H will figure it out. (((HUGS)))
I think we've both struggled with changing our parenting in different ways. I do think I have done too much for Eldest, been too protective of him - he does have health challenges but he could and should be more independent than he is - and have excused some poor attitude and choices that he really should have had consequences for. I haven't treated him as a young man in that respect and that has needed to change: my 180s on this are in progress, but not yet as consistent as I'd like them to be. H struggles with a similar challenge, but he tends to be very critical, micro-managing, not picking his battles, not allowing Eldest much autonomy and laying out punishments as if Eldest is a child - and that also needs to change.
I think my new 180 is to let Eldest and H work things out between themselves. They have a pretty terrible relationship at the moment and they both like to blame me for that. I guess the more I get in the way, the more they can take things out on me or expect me to improve things rather than looking at their own conduct. So I am stepping back entirely. It's also an act of self preservation: I am extremely stretched and stressed right now (as is everyone during this crisis) and I don't have any mental bandwidth for dealing with H's immaturity and Eldest's teenage tantrums.
