Thank you for all the messages. I have been checking in from time to time, but have not really had the energy to respond properly. Despite the lock down and quarantine life has been busy (work and helping D10 with her school work). In my downtime I have let myself get lost in the void that is the internet, box-sets and mindless games on my phone and online shopping. And, admittedly I am a little too trigger happy with the 'add to cart' button. But, in summary, I am still gainfully, eating well, meditating or doing yoga when I can (about once a day), touching base with friends, and spending time with the girls cooking/doing art projects. The girls are both healthy and getting use to the remote learning aspects of life at the moment.
H is barely flying at the moment and his salary has been reduced - which means he can have the girls more. He runs the childcare schedule and he wants to have them with him ALOT. He has D10 Monday afternoon to Thursday afternoon and D13 Monday afternoon to Friday afternoon and I have them the other days. This moves a little from week to week but it is more or less a routine now. On the days he has them he brings them back for a couple of hours in the afternoon and on the days I have them, he comes over for a couple of hours to spend time with them - though he spends most of the time outside pottering in the garden or taking our dog for a walk. He doesn't really come inside much anymore other than to say hello/goodbye to the girls, or walk through the house to get to the garden (which has never seen so much attention). Our relationship is still strained so that is probably a factor in why he prefers to be outside. I guess that being in the house is uncomfortable for him as it is now very much 'my house' (in spirit if not in name), particularly as I am here more or less 24/7. He still huffs under his breath when he sees something he doesn't like (like when our dog's water bowl was empty the other day or when ever he sees I've gotten a delivery) but otherwise he keeps himself to himself. Our conversations, when we do talk tend to be about the children, or the lockdown, or the impact of the lockdown on the children. These conversations never go for more than 5 minutes and normally abruptly end because one or the other says something the other disagrees with (he reads the papers extensively, but I am certain he never gets much further down than the headlines, so many of the nuances are lost on him. Either that or he has some sort of perception bias and only takes away the things that support whatever position he wants to take. In any case, our reading of the current 'world' situation is often in conflict and rather than have an argument, one or the other, or both of us will end most conversations abruptly. For the newbies on here - this is not a good example of validating. But if validation is a one way street ('I understand ...', 'I can see why you see it that way ...') and they are not willing to look at things from another person's point of view, then eventually you WILL feel like a doormat - always willing to listen, never being heard. That doesn't mean you get into an argument. All truths are a matter of perception. I let him have his truth. I have mine.
What else - Oh, i find myself referring to him as my ex in conversations more and more these days. I don't know what this means, but I guess I am getting to a point where I don't think of him as my H anymore. And I am ok with this.
H had wanted me to take a mortgage break (so that I could put the money I saved towards paying his share of the bills) when the pandemic hit. He was trying to work out how he was going to cover his bills whilst he was on reduced salary and I guess he thought I would be willing to cover any shortfall. I refused. I got a "to be clear, under no circumstances would [he] assist [you] financially in the future" message back from him. I wrote something light and offhand in response which equated to a thumbs up emoji. Newbies - this is passive aggressive behaviour and NOT the way to win your ex back.
D13 still is not talking to me. I am OK with this. I let her be and act like nothing has changed between us. I ask her a lot of questions, I start conversations, I send her little messages. She doesn't respond. Straight out ignores me when I ask her a question but I am getting pretty good at putting that aside. As is said here often, you can't control them, you can only control you - so I keep calm and treat each day as a new opportunity to engage with her. I'm not perfect, but I am trying. In many ways her not responding means there aren't any arguments. She is like a ghost in the house and the only evidence that she's been downstairs is the plates and things left in the kitchen. She is also super nice to D10 - offering to help D10 with her homework or asking D10 if she wants to make cakes or go for walks. She never wanted to be aroudn D10, but right now, it's like D10 is her lifeline when her dad's not here. I am happy for D10. She always looked up to her sister and is enjoying that D13 wants to spend time with her. I am also happy D13 has the dad she has. He hasn't always been the dad he is today - he was happy to defer most if not all parental responsibility to me, he could be selfish and he was quick to anger - so the one good thing that has come out of this is he has worked hard to build relationships with the girls, and they are the better for it.
The house sale is still on the cards but on hold. Ditto sessions with the mediator / drafting the separation agreement. H did send an email to the mediator saying that now that things are opening up again, he would like to know if we can schedule a session for mid June. I am guessing that he wants to push forward with agreeing the childcare arrangement as he feels if I agree to a 50/50 split then he doesn't have to pay the bills on the house. I know that he would have deferred all the bills (his own and those relating to the house) whilst we are in lockdown and this has eased the burden whilst he is on reduced pay - but these schemes will end when lockdown ends. I suspect the short to medium term outlook for the aviation industry is not great (even though he says he will be flying a lot in July) and that he is probably concerned about his finances. I think he probably resents that the pandemic has had no impact on my financials - though I am not sure he appreciates the toll it's taking on my wellbeing (this is not a pity party post, I am well and happy, but I would be lying if I said that i don't feel lonely/bored/rudderless from time to time).
I've just re-read this post and realise it sounds a little morbid. It's not meant to - if anything, I wanted to put across a calm acceptance, which is where I think I am at these days. Content to float along knowing I would be happy with any outcome. That, I think, is the true gift having all this time alone - not just the physical alone time of the last three months, but the emotional alone time of the last 2 years.
Not much else to report other than thanks for checking in on me and that I really am OK.
I think of you often and am glad you posted to update everyone. I'm really impressed with how you're handling the situation with D13. (not a psychologist but) I do wonder if she's taking out her feelings on the one person it is safe to do so with, and you're also seeing her love coming back through her behavior with D10. That part is just so sweet and lovely.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
HI wanted to put across a calm acceptance, which is where I think I am at these days. Content to float along knowing I would be happy with any outcome. That, I think, is the true gift having all this time alone - not just the physical alone time of the last three months, but the emotional alone time of the last 2 years.
This is so impressive. i work at this constantly, but it never lasts for very long. Any words of wisdom for what helped you get here, besides time?
thanks for the update and hope you're still hanging in there!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I am really starting to feel the isolation of lock down now. My family is on the other side of the world and (pre break-up) my H's family had more or less adopted me. Slowly, I have been removed from the family circle so I have had little or no contact with them during this time. There isn't any malice in it, just a natural moving away but it's more evident now that we are in lockdown. The kids and H frequently facetimed his wider family, and now, that lockdown is easing, they visit with his parents. I hear the girls talking about my MIL or my niece, and it's just not something I can really join in on now. Sure I can say "That's great" or "Let's make a cake for nanny for when you go visit" but I can't really join in .
My relationship with D13 is a bit like a roller coaster ride. She no longer flat out ignores me, but she isn't really talking to me. So she is OK to be in the room with me, but not really to engage with me. I keep soldiering on though.
D13 is desperate to become a model. I have contacted a few agencies and the response has been fairly positive. A few are keen to have her on their books but they all have registration/subscription fees. I was keeping MIL and H informed of the progress, i.e forwarding emails from agencies to them, but for each one, as long as a fee was mentioned, they were sure it was a scam and that I was getting D13's hopes up. I can't really win. I sent out a wide net, and for those that respond, I have reviewed their terms and conditions as well as reviews online etc and then decide whether it's a scam or not. I am pretty sure MIL and H think that they will market her for free purely on the basis that she is beautiful.
After a more than normally tense time with D13 the other day, H came over to visit and asked to 'have a word'. I assumed it was about D13 (she had been crying a lot in her room) and he told me he was seeing someone and was going to tell the girls. I just said "ok" and walked away. I had suspected as much as I had caught him out in some lies over the last few months (I think he's been going to see her on weekends) so it wasn't a total shock. Timing wasn't great because of D13 though. It confirmed my suspicions and (like Dilly looking at her H's purchases in the bank statements) I felt a flash of anger at the lying and the timing.
The girls have been with him since monday (and he told me when he came to pick them up monday) and they haven't said anything to me so I am unsure if they know, and aren't saying, or if he lost his courage and hasn't told them.
In any case, he looks miserable when he comes around. Where once he strutted around the house like it was still his home, now he sits on the stairs in the hall and looks uncomfortable and like he would rather be anywhere else.
I was a little shocked and my appetite has gone again and I haven't been sleeping well (this could be unrelated because the insomnia started before he told me), but over all I am fine. I think it was hard for him to finally say that he is seeing someone and is ready to introduce them to the girls because, more than talking about selling the house, more than talking about splitting assets and formalising childcare, telling the girls he has met someone is very very final. It is also the first time he has admitted he has been dating (even though we all knew he was) because somewhere in the recesses of his mind, he always wanted to keep me as a plan B. Again, I am OK. A little more lonely than I was at the beginning of the week, but that has as much to do with lockdown than with him saying he is in a relationship.
It did motivate me to try online dating again. I have decided to up my age range and state very clearly that I am looking to build a lasting connection so hopefully this time round, it won't just be men in their 20's trying to connect with me (as well toned and distracting as they were).
Anyway, that's my update.
I'll try and catch up on a few of your threads tonight.
Ouch, FS, that hurts. Hard not to feel rejected even if you don't want him back. And also hard to think of our Hs with someone else to keep them company when we are alone. It's horrible. In the long run I believe we will be the happier ones though, because we didn't lie, cheat and behave immorally. By the way, when I'm on a dating app I ALWAYS swipe left for pilots, there's a reason they're notorious for catting around...
I'm glad things are a little better with D13, the teenage years are rough. My ds2 only talks to me in the car, I have to try hard to think of reasons to drag him out with me though he usually says no...
I don't feel rejected. I was rejected a long time ago and I've had lots of time to deal with that. I think it highlighted how lonely I've been feeling. But it wasn't me spinning with images of he's doing/saying to her in the same way that I use to feel when this first happened and I would imagine him finding someone.
With lockdown easing (and him potentially flying a full roster in July) and him wanting to continue having the children 50% of the time, he needed to find a way that he could merge his non family life with his family life. His job and the time he plans on spending with the children was just not conducive to a 'hidden' relationship. I don't know if the pressure came from her, or it was a decision he reached on his own, but either way, it would not have been an easy one for him to make. Even if he has long given up on us reconciling he loves the kids and would not want to hurt them.
My H is not one for catting around. Maybe a little when we first separated because he was lost and lonely, but he is a family man. He is someone who thinks he wants to be out with his mates drinking/socialising with no responsibilities, but actually, what he wants is a home and a family. But you're right, on the whole, pilots are a weird lot.
I've been thinking of you so much throughout all of this. I am glad you are doing OK-- I think you're doing amazingly well.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
I think it highlighted how lonely I've been feeling. But it wasn't me spinning with images of he's doing/saying to her in the same way that I use to feel when this first happened and I would imagine him finding someone.
I think this is a really big change. I know for myself while I still think about the A and my H with AP, it no longer has that spinning, helpless gut-punching feeling... just an acknowledgment that it happened. At least for me, being able to separate the emotional pain from the thoughts was a big step. Though it is still there.
In terms of the loneliness... I think it is also healthy and positive that you can recognize that, and separate those feelings from missing your H (or not as the case may be). Looking forward to hearing the outcomes of the online dating. I also wonder if you can step up the virtual connections with your family and friends who are far away... I have found that the lockdown is making those things easier than they would have been before, lots of old friends connecting over cocktails, even with pretty significant time changes (mimosas for some and cocktail hours for others!) We've been zooming much more frequently with family who are far away, partially for the kids to connect with their grandparents and cousins, but the result is I've found myself texting and talking on the phone much more frequently than before with my brother and my dad (generally I mostly talked with my mom and my dad was there in the background). Also, more text threads with groups of friends... anyway, I just wonder if there are ways to nurture those human connections right now.
And you know there are lots of people here who care about you and always up for listening and thinking through things with you! xx
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Thank you May. I know there are a lot of people who care about me. But sometimes, just sometimes, I miss having someone give me a real hug. Not a pity party. Just acknowledging how I feel. In anycase, it turns out that he dropped the kids over his mums friday night (presumably so he could go stay over hers) and I am fine with this. I got a little wound up when I found out mostly because he with-held the information, but I was fine with him spending the night with someone else.
So, things have taken a decidedly worst turn generally. Not in terms of chances of R, those were gone a long time ago. Those that are familiar with my thread know that (after he moved out) my H acted all rainbows and unicorns to the world. All, "everything is fine over here, nothing to see". It wasn't terrible. Yes, we were always courteous to each other (colleagues thrown together on a project who didn't really like one another but maintained an air of professionalism) but over the last few days even this veil has slipped. I mentioned he now sits on the stairs (in the hallway) when he is here and can't wait to leave but now, even our messages are cold. He was 2.5 hours late bringing the children around yesterday (I messaged him (politely) at 2 hours - no response). He hasn't responded to a query about our dog, he didn't forward a warning message about a girl (about D13's) age being asked to get into a van around the corner from ours, I sent him a message this morning asking him to confirm if he was bringing the children around today (nothing). It's like he's avoiding me, even on message. Now I know that some of you will scream "pursuit" but it's really not (they are messages about the children which we have always shared). Some will say be thinking about the tone, for info they go something like this "Hey - are you coming around today with the kids and if so, what time?".
I talked to a girlfriend about this and she says it's because he is realising that the weird arrangement we've had going for the last two years (where he got to have his family, his home and his single life) just won't work where there is a third party involved. The limbo/equilibrium is broken and it is making him uncomfortable. Plus, my apparent 'ok'ness with it all probably doesn't help. But honestly, I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to be.
You can't be any other way. It is pretty unacceptable behaviour of him to turn up that late and not to reply. It does sound like he's pretending you don't exist because that makes life easier for him. And if he is as family oriented as you say, it will NOT be easy for him to tell the kids about the OW. He must be feeling horribly guilty. As he should. But it's not your problem. I think I would probably go round him and ask the kids directly what they're up to or what time they are coming home etc. They're old enough to tell you, he's clearly too immature.
And I sooooo feel you on the hugs. Not being able to hug my friends is really horrible, we usually say hello and goodbye with big squeezy hugs and I am missing those so much. I think half the time I want a new man just so I can have some real human physical contact...
