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Happy New Year Irish, to you and yours. Good to "see" you - I just happened by because I was going to post an update on my sitch and was happy to see your name.

I hope your parents are well, and your game room sounds like a lot of fun! put a guinness tap on the bar and you'll never have to leave the house, lol!


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hello Irish

Wonderful to hear from you.

The entertainment room sounds great. Look at that, we both got stand up arcade machines. smile Oh, those are so much fun.

Awesome life Irish. Looks good on you!

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Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Hi everyone, hoping you are all safe and healthy. Working with Health Canada, hospitals and infection control units my days go buy so very fast.

a small update. After the no message from Mother-in-law. Her message to me via FB that she recalled and deleted before I could read. Well, their must be a lot of chatter at the MLC side of that family.

I get a call from dear old sister-in-law. I first was nervous to answer. Thought something horrible might have happened to XW.

Hi Irish. I've been wanting to ask you something for a while. I finally got the courage to do it so here it goes.
Aren't you tired of having hate and anger tie you down? The weight you carry on your shoulders must be draining.
Why can't you forget what happened? I know it was awful and I was not one to agree what my sister did but time has past and we should all just move forward. My sister should see her kids.


Hi Xsister in law. I'm doing well thank you. They never ask how we are. This anger you speak of, who said I'm angry.
I'm well past that long ago. I might be disappointed in your sister but not angry.
I have no weight holding me down. I moved on and still making sure the girls are supported.
If their mom wants to talk to them all she has to do is call, write . message. She has many ways to do so. If she choses not to that is on her.


Well maybe they should call her. She would want that.

Sorry can't help. God knows I tried over the years but I have given up. They are after all adults know.
Have you tried to reach out to them? You are godmother to D20.


I tried 2 years ago and no answer.

Oh, 2 years ago. Tried once. I guess once in 5.5 years , the girls decided why bother.
Your mom hasn’t tried once. and finally messaged me but deleted it. You can tell her that she can reach out to me at any time
e.

Irish, I think you should do the right thing.

I have been doing the right thing. Giving 200% of myself to them . Making happy memories. Your family have failed them. Don't put that on me. I get enough of that from your sister.
take care. I wish you and your family a healthy year . stay safe. good bye .

They have nerve I tell you.

Next day. XW messages me. Irish. stop trashing my family. You should be an adult and help. This is not right and you talking crap to my sister. It's not right.

Crap ? I spoke the truth . Sorry if it hurts. Giving me hell because I don't force the girls. You know very well you need to make an effort. I won't try to guide or help you, that door is closed. Your sister messaged them once. your mother zero times and you maybe 20 times in the past 5 years and more than half of those was to give them hell. Not one of you ever asked how the girls are. I've updatted you in the past and stopped when you asked me.

I did nothing wrong. As for connecting to the girls. You'll figure it out one day.


Oh Irish , you are pathetic. You should be an adult and tell them what is right.


Sorry XW, the girls will when they are ready. You however have the chance to message them or call them . You chose not to. When you are ready make a true effort. If they hang up well try again. Be honest with them, listen to them, if they give you crap well take it. They will need to vent their anger. Once that clears you can tell them how you feel. Without these steps you will get nowhere. I've raised the girls to talk about their feelings, not hold them in and ignore them .

Well, if its to trash me and call me names I won’t call or email them

your choice XW , not mine. So, take my advice as this is the last time, I’ll tell you. This is what needs to happen .
take care



so that happened last week. Hope she figures it out. She was not the same person I was messaging in October.

keeping you all up to date. Hope you can get what you can from it. Not an easy road for anyone.

Irish


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XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
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WOW, Irish. That is astonishing. It's like you lifted it all out of a really well-written novel about a crazy family. (Hers, not yours).

And it is so true. I knew my MIL for 20 years. She even told me at the start of MLC that if H was cheating, well, his father had always said he was rotten to the core, and then I'd know he wasn't worth waiting for.

Six years later, she won't speak to me and hasn't seen or really talked to my son, her favorite person in the world who she really helped raise the first few years.

This dialogue is an amazing portrait of how people who don't have ears to hear can't hear. Everything you say is so clear, so simple, so obviously true. Yet each response is more absurdly unhearing than the next, from both the sister and XW. If I wasn't a survivor of the same thing, I would think you must be leaving something out!

I'm not sure they'll ever see the truth or see even a fraction of what a great man and father you are.

Learning to accept that I couldn't justify myself and shouldn't try was a big hurdle for me. I think it helped me in other parts of my life though, as realizing it made me realize that I have always been tortured by the need to be understood, to explain myself, to be the good one. With these people, even when you are, you aren't. So it's humbling. And I guess humbling is good.


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Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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{{{{{{{Irish and the girls}}}}}}}

Geez, the lot of them! WTH?

Someone is sure stuck but it isn't you, mon ami.

Hey - guess what? Exh called me two weeks ago to tell me that he got married last month and I hadn't had any health insurance for two weeks. He was just getting around to telling me. Kind of him, eh? in a pandemic no less. I know it wasn't an elopement so guess that advance notice was too much for him, what with his busy schedule and all.

So much other stuff I wish to share, but I've pulled my threads here.

Five years out - soon to be six - and they still don't understand the basic concept of personal responsibility. Glad neither of us held our breaths waiting for sanity to emerge.

Sorry you had to deal with the trifecta from H-E-double hockey sticks. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Wow. Feeling really grateful for my XMIL right now. Sorry you have to deal with that. What a bunch of jerks. Gerda’s right. People who don’t have ears can’t hear. The good news is that your kids know that you are a great man and that’s all that matters. Good for you for holding your ground. (((HUGS)))

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Irish,

I am so sorry to read about the communications. Your xw has rewritten history and, of course, blood is thicker than water, when it comes to what her family will believe.

As for your girls reaching out to their mother, it is up to them. They are grown and they can make their own decisions and it's good that you have pointed this out. Your xw is a grown woman who is stuck and is afraid of what the girls would say to her. She needs to put her big girl panties on and reach out to them one more time. Unfortunately, the girls may never reach out to her.

You can do what you want, but I wouldn't have any more conversations w/any of that side of the family unless their conversations sound like they are rational and ready to hear the truth.

God bless you for having the patience to deal w/them.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Irish! Glad you took the time to stop by.

A couple of things that struck me that are perhaps common albeit a bit more extreme in your case.

The first is that doing the "work" of reaching out isn't something that your ex is willing to do. She needs you to do the adulting for her. Well - she fired you from that job a long time ago. The anger towards you and the girls for you not doing all the work to keep the relationship going is something that I saw myself even long before "bomb-day". My son is not good at all on reaching out - just part of his personality. I recall his mother cursing and swearing at him for not responding immediately to texts and for not reaching out in between.

Your ex has tried to force you to force the girls and now she's getting an army of relatives to brow-beat you for not doing her work for her.

The second is the refusal to accept the consequences of their actions. Again - everyone else should do the work and they do none. I saw this - again for years and years and just accepted it and picked up the slack. Any time there was work to be done to make things better from a mistake, my ex would just walk away.

Makes me wonder if this is a common personality trait among those who go off dancing with the fairies in a "MLC". It certainly seems to be.

Stay safe.


On BD
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T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Good Morning Irish

Yes, the nerve of some people. XW is enlisting her family to help her fight her imaginary battles with you and the girls. She’s still running and not facing her consequences, her pain, her past. Depressed and desperate these lost souls are, and unable to hear the compassionate advice over their blame-filled projections and justifications.

You are a good man Irish. You have done wonderfully raising your girls and leading your life.

Unfortunately, hurt people, hurt people. Rare are those who aspire to follow a great example. Common is the practice of attempting to tear that example down. XW and her entourage fall into the latter category - for the moment.

Keep doing your thing. It is very much good for you. And as begrudgingly as XW would be to admit this, she notices. She see the relationship you have with your girls. Perhaps, someday, she will grow enough to see how to work towards bettering her own relationship with them.

The lighthouse. A stanchion of strengthen and stability, a beacon for those would choose to look and follow. Just shines and keeps doing its thing.

Much respect my friend.

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Feelings are fleeting.
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Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Irish, Im a newbie here but not a newbie in life. I disagree with every response you have received so far. Here is how I would have handled it:

You were worried XV was horribly injured so you answered.

[Ex SIL: Hi Irish. I've been wanting to ask you something for a while[/i]...[/i][/i]

Irish: Interupting-OMG, is XW OK, is she injured or dying?

ExSIL:Well, no but...

Irish: OK, call me if XW is injured or being. Thanks for calling

Then hang up.

Your stated purpose for answering of the call was to find out if something horrible happened to XW. When you found it it didnt the purpose for the call was over. End it.

What are they going to say, that you're rude. They hate you already, why would your waste your time?

That was telemarketing call. Nothing they said was going to be in your best interests. So stop it.

As for the texts, what are you saying that has not been said before?

Here's I read it:

XW:Irish, you are a poopy head

Irish: I can prove with irrefutable logic that I am not a poopy head. Exhibit A...

XW: I still think you are a poopy head.

Irish: Here are more scientific reasons why I'm not.

And so on and so forth.

Here is how I would have responded.

XW: Irish. stop trashing my family. You should be an adult and help. This is not right and you talking crap to my sister. It's not right.

Irish:(Crickets)

XW didnt ask a question, she made a factually incorrect statement. she is mentally unbalanced. Why would you argue with her.

Example. Irish is in the park, acosted by a crazy person, and gets into a argument. People do not say, hey thats the smart guy Irish arguing with a crazy person. They say, look at those 2 crazty people arguing.

How did you being polite beyond all reason benefit you. It didnt it just wasted your time. You are working to save lives, you need to conserve your energy for that.

PS: Here is a hint. If your XW or her family says you "should" do something, your should probably do the opposite.


Last edited by NickWing; 01/24/21 12:47 AM.

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