LH19, she seems quite frustrated to be honest so I'm staying very sceptical. The removal of contact was one of the first things we discussed and she suggested after BD so has been talked about a while. I'm well braced for problems, indeed it all depends on how she acts. I know she still cares about me, but I don't know much (if anything) apart from that.
My WW told me similar things one time. That she was done running around and was going to move back home, but she needed one more weekend out to "get it out of her system". This was after I told her I knew about OM and didn't want her hanging around him anymore. At the time, my mind thought this was acceptable. I believed all the BS and thought when Sunday night came, she would be back home and willing to work on the R. She did stay at home Sunday night, but ended up having to "work late" every night after that. It's not that she wanted to come home (she sounded VERY sincere), but it's that she wanted me to shut the f up and stay out of her fantasy. The only way to sell it was to be sincere. So off she went shopping for plan A, while I was sitting at home being plan B worrying about what to do next so I didn't screw anything up when I was already screwed from the get go...
Believe nothing she says and half of what she does. Any WW that truly wants to save the M would be there in a heartbeat and bend over backwards to make things right. Not going out with her friends for the weekend. Have no expectations and be prepared...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
Update. Says she feels pressured and wants space for a few days. Also says she wants to come back home at the weekend and make a new start, total commitment, will do whatever is needed. W said last night she’s been hoping to come back and start afresh. She thinks I’m a different person to the one she left and is sceptical whether I’m different for her. I told her it’s not for her it’s for me.
She needs space but wants to come home and start fresh? Sounds like a walking contradiction of incongruency to me.
Appreciate the comments above. What she basically said is she's fed up of not making a decision in or out, ie not being able to make the jump and try and get the M back. She was intending to move back at start of the year until I found out about the A which changed everything but she’s been talking about moving back ever since although timelines have been pushed back several times. She’s said repeatedly she doesn’t want to move back in and then move out again, if she is coming back she’s coming back for good and she wants to make it work.
I’m being very careful and sceptical of everything. I don’t want to get carried away only for it to not work out or be taken for a ride. Separate living is a bridge I only want to cross once. I’ve told her already that unless she is ready to commit totally which includes full transparency of everything, no contact with OM she won’t be ready so I expect her to be transparent with everything where required if she moves back at the weekend. I’ll also tell her there will be no second chances once she’s moved back in. She is away with 'old friends' just tonight. I did wonder why and who - farewell to OM? Or getaway to gather thoughts before restarting? W is emotional a lot of the time and I wonder whether there is a depression/mental health issue at times as she doesn't appear very motivated to do things she used to which also makes me wonder whether she can be cake eating or not. She appears anxious and quite broken up too at times. There was a period of time when she seemed emotionally void not too long ago so I do wonder if she's been grieving OM and perhaps thinking that it was a mistake because it's left her nowhere. (or any number of reasons)
W is off work this week, but goes back to work next week. I know I'll have to be very careful there isn't a second life going on (and won't stand for late nights etc not knowing where she is) but I don't/won't stand for a M where I'm checking up on her all the time. We're transparent and I can be sceptical and not naive but I'm not playing detective all the time. I'll know by her actions.
OS2 - I have been and am still am in a similar situation where my W is still at her own place. We still aren't back together although it FEELS like we are working towards it and I'm confident that there is no current OM (and I've never had proof of an OM in the past).
I urge you to stop telling her what you'll need as you guys aren't at that point yet. It's heavy. It may feel too much for her at the moment.
Do your own thing and give her all the space she wants right now. If she brings up R just listen and validate. If she asks specific questions you can be open and honest but keep things short. You dont' have to lay your cards on the table until she comes begging you to take her back.
She has ZERO worries about losing you at this moment - all she knows is that you don't want to live in an open marriage. So she is free to do what she wants now and when she decides/if she decides she wants you she knows you'll be there.
Put all your efforts into GAL and looking after yourself. You can respond to her in time, not right away as you're busy.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
One last thing - there's nothing worse than a LHS who asks his WW where she is right? In this circumstance should I not ask where she is tonight with 'old friends'?
I urge you to stop telling her what you'll need as you guys aren't at that point yet. It's heavy. It may feel too much for her at the moment.
Thanks Jac12, I think you're definitely right on that and I don't think me doing that has helped. I think that's happened because I didn't want her to say she'll be moving back in and then hit with a load of requirements but I think it has weighed her down and has put her off coming back. I would have done that differently (along with a million other things). She knows all that now and I can't revisit it so I'm trying not to focus on that until she is ready.
