Don’t hang on the phone. If you were super busy with your interesting life you might not respond to a text for an hour or so because you’re busy. Do that.
Don’t ask him what’s going on - makes it sound like you’ve been anxiously waiting around to hear from him rather than YOU’VE been busy with your life!
Don’t initiate anything.You're conducting an experiment, to see if he’s genuine and if his actions can match his words. If you push for a meeting you’ll ruin the experiment because you’ll never know what he would have done on his own.
Again - read over my post about the kinds of guys who say that stuff.
Hmm, where the fck have you been is my first instinct.. but I’m a guy and I mostly don’t have history with those I’m talking to (new state and all).. actually I wouldn’t respond at all to most, but if I had history I’d call her out and see where she stands before I moved on..
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
While I like Coconut's direct approach, I'm going to go with Kml for the win, because yes, this is an experiment and you will learn quite a bit from his response.
Now, look at your feet. Is he standing next to you? No? Then go live your life, enjoy your day. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I am Learning that people with this great magical spoken game in the beginning rarely can match in actions.
He’s not matching his word game in actions.
So what is it that he could do or say right now to make all of this ok so far? What is acceptable from him at this time to make you even want to see him?
Look at how you are feeling right now. Why are you lining over waiting for the phone call and what he’s going to say and what you are going to say and how he’s going to respond?
Do you like what he is putting out there right now?
He’s getting too much valuable energy from you like he’s some amazing prize. He hasn’t shown you that yet in actions.
Let him show you, and if he doesn’t, the. He’s all talk and you move on to the next!
You guys are so awesome. You always give me a lot to think about.
I was at my sister’s yesterday and she was like... “Meh...who cares? Men are hunters. Don’t be so available.” Sigh...why am I still learning this at 51? I guess I just always figured that if it is “right”, it should be easy. Of course, by the time you get to this phase of life, we’ve been through a lot and maybe we don’t trust so easily or feel pressured and get scared off if we think the other person is really interested? IDK...when he was talking about “everything at the perfect time” and “we’ll figure something out soon”, maybe I should have read that as “not right now” and “leave it up to me.” I am so straight forward and transparent, I just assume other people are too...especially when they say they are. But I guess lots of people like to think they are that way but when it comes right down to it, not so much.
Coconut... I do like your direct approach TBH. Cause seriously, when he does finally text me, won’t that be the elephant in the room? And that may come up at some point...like three years from now when I say... “hey...remember that time you ghosted me cause you were being a complete loser?” LOL. We do have a history but it isn’t recent, so I am still figuring him out.
Ginger... Despite this recent snafu, I still think he is a pretty great guy. Not because of what he says but because of how he lives his life. I’ve thought about this a lot and my best guess, given all of the information that I have, is that he is worried about how much we have been talking and that if we meet too soon, he might find himself in a relationship he is not sure he is ready for or has time for. So... I think he is need of some space and I’m going to give it to him.
KML & Bttrfly... Good advice. I don’t think he is a bad guy. I know too many good things about him and the way his 20-year marriage ended says a lot about who he is at his core. I just think he is scared he has bitten off more than he can chew and is trying to slow things down...not is a great way but I see the intent behind it.
Anyway...I have an unbelievably busy day ahead of me so I better get to it. Love you all!!! (((HUGS)))
Ginger... Despite this recent snafu, I still think he is a pretty great guy. Not because of what he says but because of how he lives his life. I’ve thought about this a lot and my best guess, given all of the information that I have, is that he is worried about how much we have been talking and that if we meet too soon, he might find himself in a relationship he is not sure he is ready for or has time for. So... I think he is need of some space and I’m going to give it to him.
KML & Bttrfly... Good advice. I don’t think he is a bad guy. I know too many good things about him and the way his 20-year marriage ended says a lot about who he is at his core. I just think he is scared he has bitten off more than he can chew and is trying to slow things down...not is a great way but I see the intent behind it.
Yes to all the above because this is where I am at with the girl I’m dating. Luckily she’s like Ginger and is aware and is not going to make any sudden movements that will send me running for the hills. Patience is the name of the game.
So...have a job interview in a couple of week. Supervisor of a youth forensics office in my city. It would mean a pay raise and I would be supervising about four or five people. The job itself is right in line with my experience and my skill set BUT the interview itself is hellish. An hour written and an hour verbal...one right after the other. And it is a behavioural interview... “tell me about a time you demonstrated this competency within the last five years and then give us the name of someone who can verify your story”. It is the WORST. But...my pension is based on my last five years of earnings so if I want a raise, I have to move up the ladder. Honestly...I don’t really care if I get it cause I love my job and the people I work with...I just don’t want to look like an idiot...lol.
Still no word from Brook. Last night was his last graveyard shift for awhile. He has a basketball game this evening (my friend is reffing) and then three days of games starting on Thursday. Sigh...really did NOT expect things to go this way given our communications the first few weeks. I do recall that I was ghosted once before. I dated a guy from the mainland for six weeks prior to meeting XH. The very last thing he said to me was...”I should get you a key to my place so you can come over whenever you want.” Never heard from him again despite a couple of attempts to reach him. A year later... I had met XH and moved to the mainland and I was online. All of a sudden, a message popped up and it was the guy who had ghosted me. “How are you doing?” Wtf? I didn’t really care so I just said, “Great...I live on the mainland now.” Long pause...finally...”How’s the new boyfriend?” Again... “Great!” “How is your boat?” (He had ordered one when we were dating...$500,000 sailboat...very beautiful). “Great.” And...he was gone again...lol. Some people are just strange.
Anyway...that’s my update. Gotta put together a study plan for my interview. I need to be really prepared.
Congrats on the new job interview! That sounds very intense. I hate behavioral interviews, but I was always able to BS my way through them. I can’t imagine they would verify your answers, because the verifiers probably won’t even remember.
But set up some coworkers and verifiers, reach out and go over your stories .
I think you are going to nail it, quite honestly. You are an extremely intelligent woman.
Forget brook for now. I’m sorry it did turn out as it did, and I know it stinks when your excitement goes from a high and drops to a low. But those who come on so strong in the beginning with all the talk and no walk usually aren’t capable of carrying out. I have learned that the hard way.
The right guy will come his way in due time. And you’ll know if it’s right when he walks the walk
There have been some developments that have clarified some things for me. Eye opening day. Texts from both Brook and Jack.
Brook...Finally got tired of thinking about it so sent him a text this morning that I think being honest and direct is the best policy and if he has changed his mind about wanting to get together, it was totally okay and he didn't need to ghost me. I had a life before we started talking and I would have a life after. Told him I didn't want things to be awkward between us as I know we will eventually run into each other because of basketball. Wanted him to know there were no hard feelings, that I think he is a great person (despite the ghosting) and I wished him the best. Three hours later he texted me that he is sorry he hasn't texted. He recently found out that what he suspected about his ex during their marriage was true (sleeping with one of his best friends who is also his daughter's basketball coach) and he is feeling betrayed and blindsided and has some anger he is trying to work through so has been distancing himself from everyone. He went on to say that he thinks I am amazing and that he would like to reconnect after he works through this. WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO?!? Like I wouldn't understand this particular scenario? He says he is over his ex per say but it is the betrayal that has really rocked him and also because he asked her about it when they were married and she denied everything. Anyway...I told him not to worry, that he could take all the time and space he needs and I have absolutely zero desire to try to force anything between us and that I've been there. He just needs some time and perspective to work it out and while he's doing that, I'll just be living my life.
And then there is Jack... He texted me to let me know that our break up revealed some things he didn't like about himself. He went back on meds for depression and anxiety and he feels like a different person. He has reconnected with his family and is generally a more positive, happier person to be around. He apologized for not being the man I needed him to be. Said he had a lot of thoughts and fears intertwined and has been trying not to think about me as he doesn't want to create a relationship in his head that doesn't exist in reality. I asked what thoughts and he said thoughts of … "If only I could integrate you fully in my life and family and be outgoing and positive and marry you and take care of you and yours..." I didn't know what to say. I just thanked him for his openness and honesty and told him that I think he needs to continue on this journey of self discovery and figure out who he is and what he wants apart from a relationship with someone. I also said that I hoped we would be able to be friends one day and that once the hurt had faded, I was confident he would be happy I made the decision that I did.
So...there you have it... What a day! Made plans to hang out with Buddy a bit this weekend. Going to watch some basketball. Brook will be there but I already told him I am going there to hang with Buddy and not to worry that I am stalking him or anything crazy like that. He told me it is all good and it will be nice to see me. Also have to fit in some pool practice and some study time for my interview.
whoa, not just exw betrayal, but best friend betrayal and with someone who is in a position of authority over his daughter? Yeah, that's a lot to process. I'd be withdrawing while I tried to wrap my mind around that one too.
re: Jack, great response, and good for him for the self-care. Takes guts.
xoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
