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A Message from Michele
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Re: Patience and Limbo (Core Thread 4) [Re: Core] #2883841
02/03/20 08:41 PM
02/03/20 08:41 PM
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IHCLACS Offline
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Originally Posted by Core
When I hit my breaking point, I'm thinking along the lines of:

W,
I no longer wish to continue pretending to be a family for the kids. Living behind closed doors, sleeping in separate rooms. I don't think its healthy for any of us. I believe it is best for us to split up time at home with the kids and start discussing our go forward plan. I think reconciling through counseling and creating a new and better marriage is the best option but its up to both parties to agree and succeed. You asked for D and I want you to be happy. If thats what you want then please let me know and I'll arrange mediation so we can move forward with our lives.


I think that is a great way of letting go. Just make sure you are ready for it. Your thoughts and feelings can and will change. You can go months saying to yourself "Im done... Im not living like this anymore... Im moving on." Then months later, when you are alone, you might still feel the same way, then another month later for a few days, it could change again. Give it time and space. Give yourself and W lots and lots of space. Even if nothing improves, even if you don't talk. YTwo years could go by, you could become a totally different person, and so could W. You just don't know. Either way which way you go, make your peace with it. You deserve an awesome life with or without them.

Re: Patience and Limbo (Core Thread 4) [Re: Core] #2883849
02/03/20 09:13 PM
02/03/20 09:13 PM
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Posts: 1,064
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hoosjim Offline
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But if you are at all thinking that reconciliation might be what to ultimately happen, here... YOU NEED TO MOVE BACK INTO THE MBR!!! (And, yes, I am yelling!)

You don't need to be talking her to death with MR talks. If she wants to have one, fine... listen, then validate. If she wants to go to counseling together and seems sincere, then, fine... have MR talks there, as well. If you ABSOLUTELY CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE AND SEE NO HOPE FOR THE MR, then maybe you also have a BRIEF relationship talk, there "I'm done", before bailing (but, honestly, unless you are at the end of your rope and can't stand another day and need to escape I'd leave the filing and hassle and heavy lifting of the D up to her). Any other scenario besides those three and there really is no point to having continued "relationship" talks. If they are not part of a mutually-agreed to and counselor-guided counseling initiative, they are not going to be productive and are even likely to be counter-productive if they advance any further than you listening and validating. It was true for me, it's been true for virtually everyone on here, and it will be true for you as well.

ACTIONS... not words. At least not until you are in MC and she is IN counseling with you and committed to it.


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core Thread 4) [Re: Core] #2883877
02/03/20 11:45 PM
02/03/20 11:45 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 237
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Core Offline OP
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Core  Offline OP
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LH - I'm saying I want out of limbo. We've had space since September. Not sure why so little has changed.

IH - Man I teared up like a baby reading that, guess I'm far from ready.

HJ - I'm almost convinced on the bed thing. When I moved out W the first time, she said it was proof Im unpredictable, irrational, dont have control over my emotions and she says I did it to intentionally bother her. Not thinking about her and what affect my actions have on her are one of her reasons she's a WAW, according to her. Wouldnt taking the MBR after we agreed on a 3-4 day transition plan back and forth be disrespectful to her and show I dont care what happens to her?

On one end, I feel like a respectful H would make sure his wife is comfortable. I can see how in some women this could build respect but it also seems like its disregarding the other spouses needs. My W is massively insecure. Strong women may react well to the show of grabbing the MBR back but what about passive women?


H36, W37
D4, S1
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core Thread 4) [Re: Core] #2883878
02/04/20 12:12 AM
02/04/20 12:12 AM
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Posts: 4,664
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LH19 Offline
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C,

Lol. We were supposed to be role playing. That was your Ws response to your relationship talk.

Mine lasted 3.5 years so sorry if I laugh at your 4 months. You need to dig down deep my friend.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core Thread 4) [Re: Core] #2883948
02/04/20 05:48 PM
02/04/20 05:48 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 237
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Core Offline OP
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Core  Offline OP
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Lol LH. Shows how good my memory is right now.

I wouldnt respond, Id make eye contact, raise an eyebrow to see what she says next.


H36, W37
D4, S1
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core Thread 4) [Re: Core] #2883970
02/04/20 07:17 PM
02/04/20 07:17 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 1,064
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hoosjim Offline
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Quote
HJ - I'm almost convinced on the bed thing. When I moved out W the first time, she said it was proof Im unpredictable, irrational, dont have control over my emotions and she says I did it to intentionally bother her. Not thinking about her and what affect my actions have on her are one of her reasons she's a WAW, according to her. Wouldnt taking the MBR after we agreed on a 3-4 day transition plan back and forth be disrespectful to her and show I dont care what happens to her?

On one end, I feel like a respectful H would make sure his wife is comfortable. I can see how in some women this could build respect but it also seems like its disregarding the other spouses needs. My W is massively insecure. Strong women may react well to the show of grabbing the MBR back but what about passive women?


Let me ask you a question-- What are you afraid is going to happen, here? She has already stepped away from the marriage. You yourself have said that moving out did not work for you and she herself has told you it did not impress her. I just don't see the downside here of doing what you, as a man and as the one who is interested in saving the marriage, should be doing. And, 2x4 coming: FWIW (though I am not sure how many times you need to hear it from all of us over and over and over) I have not seen, heard, or experienced where it makes a difference whether or not the W is "strong" or "passive". Either way, a strong, decisive, man is attractive and is more likely to get respect from his woman... than ONE WHO RUNS AWAY AND HIDES. Seriously, man, I sense an "avoidance" of your own going on here because you are afraid to do something hard and (potentially) short term unpleasant. I promise you, if handled as we have all suggested here, that is not the case. There is absolutely, positively, 100% no reason on the Good Lord's green earth that you should not be sleeping in that MBR. GET OFF THE POT AND DO IT!!! If you want to have any chance of saving this MR... seriously...


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core Thread 4) [Re: Core] #2883971
02/04/20 07:26 PM
02/04/20 07:26 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,085
San Antonio, Texas
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joejoe1 Offline
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San Antonio, Texas
Core,

Jim, just provided you with a great post and some great advice, please heed.

Joejoe


M:36 W:35
T:9 M:8
S15, S11, S8, S3
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core Thread 4) [Re: Core] #2884000
02/04/20 08:41 PM
02/04/20 08:41 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 237
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Core Offline OP
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I don't want to hurt her further. That's my hesitation. To clarify, I moved her out previously and thats when she claimed it was disrespectful to her. She's felt disrespected the last few years or our M apparently. I should've never shared the mbr in the first place but I later agreed to splitting it. So if I take it now, I'll go back on my word of agreeing to split time in the room, I'll leave wife to sleep elsewhere after she's communicated that she dislikes it as she feels unimportant. Disregarding her feelings got me in this mess. When we agreed to reconcile, she asked a condition of me that I treat her with respect and as an equal. She's talked of being in the home for 4 more years so there is some committment.

I get the agrument to take the mbr back and I appreciate the patience with talking this through. I dont get how I'd earn more respect than earning disrespect and distrust. I've often done what I think a man should do and W has brought up many of my hard stances as reasons for D or they are resentments she's had. I think her reactions to my hard stances are a reason why I went from confident to insecure over the years. What I'm afraid of is ruining the peace we have, the trust thats come back and putting her back behind her wall by feeling attacked.


H36, W37
D4, S1
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core Thread 4) [Re: Core] #2884084
02/05/20 11:41 AM
02/05/20 11:41 AM
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Posts: 4,664
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LH19 Offline
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Honestly Core taking the MB back or not isn't going to change anything in your relationship with your W. I would say table it for now until you figure out if she's still in an an affair. If she is you absolutely take it back.

So in your last post I noticed again you mentioned your reconciling. What does reconciliation look like to you?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core Thread 4) [Re: Core] #2884097
02/05/20 01:46 PM
02/05/20 01:46 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,333
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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Missouruh
Core,

I'd suggest reading other people's situations too. Get an idea of who did what and how it all unfolded.

I was hesitant to take back my bed too.

My W came back and has been OM free for almost a year now.

Even is she never came back to our marriage it was the right thing to do. She wants out? She can get out and deal with all the sucky consequences from her choice. And the same goes for all our DB ladies whose husbands are being royal pricks. Having a good mindset and PMA will radically change your life.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 8 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
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