Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
Hey there shotgun!

For me, Divorce was the best thing that could have happened to me. I fought it so hard. Argued committment and vows and marriage. I actually started siding with the church a while back there!!! But 5 years after he left, I am so much better off. It’s because my marriage and situation with my ex was just so bad - there was no where else to go but up.

He takes son 20 percent of the time - which is more help then I ever received from him while we were married. He’s now forced to contribute to extracurricular and provide child support (more then he ever did in the past - and that includes missed payments) so I can save. My ex had all this secret financial debt and secret addictions I didn’t know about. Imagine if we had reconciled! It would have been more of the same. But all his gaslighting would have put me in a situation where I was walking on egg shells. In hindsight, I wish I had let go and not followed the bandwagon of saving a marriage. That concept was damaging to my emotional health because I didn’t know about the double life he was living.

And I now have a boyfriend that wants a future with me and wants to be around me and talk to me all the time. Being in a relationship with someone that is actually capable of being in a relationship is wonderful.

I loved on line dating and post separation dating. It’s because after settling with a loser husband all those years - I discovered how much men really liked and appreciated me. In my marriage ex criticized me for not being domestic enough or ambitious while I was left full responsibility of a toddler with special needs. In the dating world I was considered a catch because of looks and career and being nice and normal and that felt great for me. My ex was empty and disengaged. Having conversations with men that were engaged felt incredible. Oh - and I just got a professional business incorporated (still lots to do before I start though)

So yeah. I wouldn’t fight hard for a marriage with someone that doesn’t want it. It’s better to invest in yourself and with someone that wants to invest in you.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Quote

kml I am sorry to hear of your boyfriend's cancer. I am a cancer survivor and my prognosis is good. The challenges of the treatment and subsequent effects on the body can only be described as horrific. I pray that this gets better for both of you and that you find purpose in it all. I have. I encounter people daily who need a positive word or a smile and a little encouragement that it will all be ok


Sorry to hear you went through that fight. I’m a physician and figure I was put in his life to help him with this - what are the odds that he’d start dating an MD 3 months before his diagnosis? He’s not likely to survive this (stage 4 and spreading) but he’s already a year past his median survival and quality of life is pretty good. Another good year would be a win. I’ve done a lot of integrative adjunctive things with him to try to improve his outcome.

Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 563
S
shotgun Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 563
Hi JujuB,

You sound so strong! I am glad you are where you are emotionally and it reinforces my notion that I should feel this good about not having my ex in my life. It is so awesome that you have a good man in your life. I wonder if you have standards for relationships that you didn't have in the past? I too got more help with our child after separation than I ever had when we were together. Although I forced much of that on her.

Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 563
S
shotgun Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 563
klm,

It takes a special person to do what you are for your boyfriend. My ex didn't have it when I was in treatment. My cancer had spread as well buy I sit here today and I am confident I will live many more healthy years. I had skin cancer diagnosis six months ago that is also probably going to be alright as well.

It is impressive that you would dedicate yourself to helping someone especially that you were mistreated by your ex and for some it would be hard to make such a commitment. And you are no doubt very busy in your profession. Your boyfriend probably knows how lucky he is to have you and your will to see him healed. Thank you.

Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 563
S
shotgun Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 563
Doodler,

I am with you on all the train wrecks out there. I call mine a plane crash so I guess it comes with the territory. I like your new strategy. Do you find that you are a new person or are you getting back to what you were in the beginning?

Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 563
S
shotgun Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 563
AndrewP,

I would love to hear some more of your phrases! I only really have one but its "The truth saves everyone time"

Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
Mark

I am one of the ones who also did not want divorce. My XH was a liar and a cheater (I found out) and not a “partner”. He was in it purely for his own needs. I think he was genuine in wanting a life with me at the beginning but when our lives got a bit hard and stressful (kids, finances, moving, job stress, long commutes), instead of doubling down and trying to be an equal partner, he left everything to me and bailed. At first he checked out emotionally and then he found a way to check out physically. Four years of epic lies and gaslighting... it would be almost unbelievable if I hadn’t lived it. When I found out about some of it (I will never know the full extent of it), I was beyond devastated. Felt stupid, blamed myself, wondered what was wrong with me that someone who claimed to love me could disrespect me in that way... the usual feelings LBSs go through. And I grieved the loss of the future I thought I would have and even more so the future I thought my kids would have. They were, after all, the innocent victims in all of this. I was raised in an intact family and had all of the advantages that affords... I wanted that for my kids.

But after I had time to really process it, I realized that I am so much better off now. And, ironically, my kids are too. They actually get to see their dad now and he has stepped up as a dad. He has also been a great co-parent. And I think he has, partially, recognized his role in destroying our marriage and maybe taken some responsibility...maybe. TBH, it really doesn’t matter to me anymore. I have fully recognized that I am MUCH better off without him. He was difficult to live with when he was home. Resentful, self-focused, reactive, rejecting and unforgiving. For the years that he was running away, he was completely checked out of his relationships that linked him to our marriage. He had everyone in our home (me, our kids, his mom, his daughter) walking around on egg shells. Even now, our kids and his mom (his daughter has stopped talking to him) are terrified of making him mad. I no longer have that issue and tbh, from what I can see, he really doesn’t get mad like he used to (not abusive just really, really difficult to live with). But the damage has been done so his past does come back to haunt him in that our kids are still reluctant to test this new dad and will go along with things even if they aren’t happy about it. Thankfully, though, I think that is getting better and they are trusting him more. I hope beyond hope, for their sake, that the changes they see are genuine and will last long term. I, unfortunately, will never fully trust him again. I trust that he loves our kids but even now, when he wants to change our schedule or asks me for a favour, I assume the reason he gives me is either a lie or a half truth. I hate that. Thankfully it no longer matters.

Anyway, like Juju, I also enjoyed OLD and found out I am considered a “catch”and there are a lot of guys out there who straight out told me they think my XH is an idiot. And I have just come out of my first post-divorce relationship that I left because I knew it wouldn’t work for me long term. For the first time in my life, when it comes to a relationship, I made a head decision instead of a heart one. I have learned a lot about myself and also what I want and need and I’m not going to settle anymore. I hated hurting him but I know it was the right thing to do. And...I’ve recently reconnected with an old (we’re talking 36 years ago) boyfriend who has so much in common with me now it is almost scary. He has turned into a fantastic human being and we are getting to know each other again and are both excited about the connection we have. Looking forward to seeing where it goes but also know I will be okay if it just turns into a renewed friendship.

Sorry for the long winded post... I have a tendency to write a lot. In a nut shell... if you had told me a year and a half ago that I would be feeling the way I feel and doing as well as I am, I would not have believed you. I thought my life was pretty much over. But, to the contrary, it feels like it is just beginning and I am grateful for all of the things my divorce has given me..... new friends and a deeper connection with old friends, new experiences, new opportunities, a closer relationship with my kids, independence, free time that I didn’t have before, an appreciation for the small things in life, improved self esteem, a new attitude (I no longer sweat the small stuff), a new body (I lost a lot of weight), etc... In short, I think I am just a better person all around. And I am happier. I also have a newfound confidence and am secure in the knowledge that I am a strong person who can get through anything which I don’t think I completely believed before. I do now. As has so often been said on here... When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. I really, really love lemonade. I hope you do too. smile

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
Our divorce devastated me. At first it felt like I was tossed out of an airplane at 50,000 feet without a parachute. That later morphed into feeling like the place that housed my heart is a vacant lot, devoid of life, just a barren wasteland. Of course, there's a lot of concurrent loss that I've had to process in the past 5 years - loss of the marital home, a move away from my support group, my dad passing away, my son being in crisis and my mom's declining health. Kml's story is similar to mine, except I have no clue what exh's life is like now. He moved 3000 miles away. The relationship he has with our son is distant at best - exh tries, but his narcissistic tendencies have really driven a wedge between them.

There have also been unexpected bonuses - new friends, stronger bonds with old friends, a strong bond with my son, being able to be there for my parents without having to take a partner's opinion into consideration, a new home, stronger bonds with extended family. I'm blessed in many, many ways.

Would I have preferred to stay married to my exh? Yes, but only if he worked on his issues and was once again the loving and kind man I married.

I'm sorry your wife wasn't supportive of your diagnosis. That is mind boggling to me. You certainly deserve better treatment than that.

As far as dating goes, I can count on one hand the number of dates I've had, by choice. I honestly don't know where I stand with regard to future relationships.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 563
S
shotgun Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 563
Hi DejaVu6,

I have to tell you, lemonade gives me heartburn. As cold as it is if someone gave me lemons today I would trade them for hot cocoa. I enjoyed reading your post and feeling how strong you are. Nice that you feel good about yourself and all the self improvement you have gone through. Did you reconnect with your friend from the past on social media? I closed my facebook account after the separation as it was a bit overwhelming and I didn't want to follow the exploits of my ex. Before doing so I had a couple of ladies from the past contact me. I had used an alias on there but it is easy enough for people to figure that out especially if they know your friends.

Do you feel that you are better prepared to evaluate a potential relationship partner now? It sounds like there was something that was a red flag for you in the one you recently terminated. Isn't it better to figure it out early on? Good luck with your old friend as I think he has a chance with a really awesome lady!

Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 563
S
shotgun Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 563
Hi bttrfly,

Sounds like you connect with the plane crash analogy. I too am around five years out from the end of my marriage. It is incredible how much transpires in a few short years. I hear you on wanting to save your marriage and I did as well initially. Perhaps it was easier for me in that my ex completely took a crap on me and left me with no uncertainty as to her feelings or the lack thereof for me. Her absence of compassion during my treatment was shocking at the time and if I could influence someone in the same boat as she, thinking of leaving, try to pretend for a period of time and help the person with whom you have had a lot of years with and perhaps share children.

I have dated a little more than you but I have had nothing resembling a relationship. I have made a couple of great friends however. I wonder sometimes if I am being too choosy or if I am keeping up a wall......I am very much open to a relationship and I feel that I would marry again if I found someone wonderful. I want to make sure that I am ready for that and that the lady I take interest in is ready as well.

Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard