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shotgun Offline OP
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I am wondering how many people are divorced, maybe not of their own choice, but who are thrilled about it. Maybe in retrospect the marriage was pretty bad. Maybe for both of you. And what of life after divorce? It is one crazy world out here and at 53 a great time to be single.

The recovery from the affair. The abuse of the ex. The acknowledgement that I was a great husband and tried every day of a fifteen year marriage. So happy to have her in the rear view mirror.


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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Well I don’t look back and think my marriage was bad. Objectively I still think I was happy most of the time and we made a good team. (Ignorance is bliss I guess though, as his essential unhappiness was worse than I knew and looking back, it’s possible that there was more infidelity than I knew).

It took me a while after the divorce to recognize his narcissistic traits and how they impacted our marriage (and unfortunately, how they impact our kids to this day).

I fought hard for my marriage but about three months after he finally left, I looked around and realized it was nice not walking on eggshells all the time!

I was divorced at about the same age as you are now and have been single for ten years. My dating history has been a bit sketchy (Love Avoidant guys, much too young guys, a five year relationship with a guy who turned out to be lying the whole time and has relapsed into severe bipolar manic episodes with drug use.) My current boyfriend was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer three months after we met.

But despite the lack of an appropriate long term partner so far, I’m still glad I’m divorced. Our sex life in the marriage was really good but I’ve had even BETTER sex with most of my post divorce partners. Every single guy I’ve dated has appreciated me more than my ex did. I didn’t really realize how much weight I carried trying to fix my ex’s negativity. I also learned to play the drums when my ex left and have since played in a pop-punk cover band for several years, and toured professionally playing snare, glockenspiel or vibraphone with my longtime best friend who is a professional singer songwriter.

My relationships with my kids are strong while my ex has hurt and alienated them with his narcissism. And karma has been hard on my ex, poor guy. At first it looked like he had it all - duplex right at his favorite surf spot, 19 years younger hot wife, plenty of money, excellent health. But he’s had serious parental health issues, her parents died, he’s had serious orthopedic health issues which have transformed him from the super healthy athlete with no empathy for weakness or illness into a 59 year old with bad shoulders, neck and hip. He’s also apparently managed his money poorly enough that he feels poverty stricken going into his planned early retirement at 60 (even though his retirement income of almost 10k a month and his wife's income together far exceed mine).

Bottom line - there is life after divorce, especially if you embrace the change and the lessons of DBing. It can be a time if great growth.

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Originally Posted by shotgun
I am wondering how many people are divorced, maybe not of their own choice, but who are thrilled about it.

shotgun,

I understand your relief, but I think most of us would've preferred reconciliation. I do like the fact that I no longer have to walk around eggshells, but I hate that my sons had to suffer through the divorce. I wish my sons could've had complete family with mom and dad at home where they should be.

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Thrilled isn't perhaps the right word about the divorce itself for me. I "am" thrilled about finding out that there is a great big wide world that I've not experienced before.

I agree with kml and doodler though that while we would have preferred reconciliation and have accepted a divorce that wasn't our original idea, being able to put some of the - in hind-sight - dysfunctional parts of the relationship behind us has been a load lifting.

Since I'm the man of a 1000 phrases, one I use is "you never know you're living under a cloud until you walk in the sunshine".


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BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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My XH walked away and while that, initially, was pretty devastating, I quickly got my wits about myself and started working on me, so I would NOT have preferred reconciliation. I was hurt for awhile and it took me time to heal and move on, but when I did, I realized that he had done me a huge favor in walking away like he did because he basically severed any ties that I might have even harbored having. D wasn't my choice, but I dropped the rope and went with. In retrospect, it was the best thing for me. I don't wish him ill will or anything, but he has pretty much just ceased to exist for me. I don't think my marriage was all bad. I can look back and remember some happy things/times, but without those rose colored glasses, I can also see that I was not happy and he was not happy. We are both in a better place now. I wouldn't have considered reconciling when I was at my lowest/weakest and I darn sure wouldn't now. But, I think everyone handles these things differently.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
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I personally am not thrilled. I would have preferred to keep my family whole. I would have preferred to not go through the divorce struggle. It left a strong impact and it forced changes in myself, some needed and some not. I carry some significant scars and it has totally changed how I view relationships with women. Being in a relationship post divorce has its own unique set of challenges, even more so if your partner is in a similar divorced with kids situation.

In a dream world I would have been able to reconcile the marriage and have my xw go back to the sweet person I fell in love with and persisted through the earlier parts of my marriage, not the unpleasant person she has become. That said many family and friends have committed on how I am more like my old self. I think the best way to describe it is that I am able to be the person I want to be, and not have the figurative choke chain. My stress levels are way down and my fulfillment is way up. Play the cards you are dealt with the best attitude and the best of your abilities.


H(37) W(35)
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T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
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Originally Posted by AndrewP

Since I'm the man of a 1000 phrases, one I use is "you never know you're living under a cloud until you walk in the sunshine".


Andrew definitely hit the nail on the head with this quote. Probably the best way to describe the post divorce life for me.


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
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I was hoping there would be a few out here who were in a good spot having the marriage over. Like some of you I fought for a while to save something that was dead already. I have no idea how my ex feels and frankly don't think much about her. I did have to put up some strong boundaries with her and it took her some time for it to sink in with her that I was no longer her husband and not subject to her issues. Our son is very well adjusted and on a successful track. I have spoken very little with him about the marriage and divorce and he has asked only a question or two about it. I do my best to tactfully advise him on issues of life partners and such.

I hope others talk a little about the dating scene. How crazy is it that we have an industry designed to connect single people? And there are places to meet that don't include smoke and inebriation. A boring teetotaler myself I hate the bar scene. I do find that most middle aged single women are pretty into their wines and such.......

Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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kml I am sorry to hear of your boyfriend's cancer. I am a cancer survivor and my prognosis is good. The challenges of the treatment and subsequent effects on the body can only be described as horrific. I pray that this gets better for both of you and that you find purpose in it all. I have. I encounter people daily who need a positive word or a smile and a little encouragement that it will all be ok.

You make an interesting point about sex after divorce. Unlike your marriage, there was very little sex in mine. Unfortunately I didn't recognize in the beginning that her drive was way lower than mine. Much of the great advice in this forum is to look inward and develop one's own self awareness. I didn't date for a year or so mostly due to the lingering effects of the cancer treatment and great advice of my therapist to not get involved with anyone for a while. I do at this point know myself on a level that would otherwise not likely have come to be. Knowing what my needs are and my strengths and weaknesses and my own determination to never compromise on those.

Mark


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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Originally Posted by shotgun
I hope others talk a little about the dating scene. How crazy is it that we have an industry designed to connect single people? And there are places to meet that don't include smoke and inebriation. A boring teetotaler myself I hate the bar scene. I do find that most middle aged single women are pretty into their wines and such.......

Mark,

I started dating a few months after my divorce. I thought online dating (OLD) would be awesome. It turned out to be much different than I'd expected. There are a lot of train wrecks out there lookin' for love in all the wrong places.

I settled on a different strategy. I decided what I wanted my future to look like and I've started working toward that. Along the way, if I bump into the right female humanoid who is interested in going along for the ride with me, then I'm open to the possibility. Otherwise I'm just going to keep plugging along, being the best dad I can be and I'll try not to be too terribly disgusting (difficult for me).

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