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Mumin #2885081 02/12/20 12:08 AM
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The really important thing is you now have three different points of view on the SM thing. I always value AnotherStanders advise and hossjim is giving you solid advise as well.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Mumin #2885140 02/12/20 08:25 AM
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Hi all, thank you so much for your answers R2C, ovr, hoosjim, AS, ! Super helpful!
Will read through everything with notes tonight.

Journal /Update
Last night wrote about her house keys and that she still hasn't transfered money for this month.
Ask if the surgery is happening.

This morning :
W just called because the alarm in the house went of.
She was home after surgery. She said she Mostly felt good. Physical pain

W- Say hi to kids if you want.
Me- Of course I will.

W- I told D1 she can call if she want.
Me- You can also call if you want.

Shouldn't have said that last part I guess...
I get worked up and almost nervous to talk to her.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Mumin #2885193 02/12/20 03:51 PM
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Originally Posted by hoosjim
I think it can actually be a valuable tool in the "Be mysterious, be fun, be attractive" area. In my own sitch, prior to DB, I had almost no SM presence
This is good.

I am not a social media guy. I have a couple of DB friends on my Instagram who cannot attest that I posted once in 2019. When I downloaded Snapchat in 2018 my wife got a "people you know" thing from Snapchat and it made her think I was talking to other women, dating, etc. It aroused concern. I got rid of that after a week of never using it.

I also made a Facebook in 2019. I mostly regret it, but did it for my business. I found a waterfowl group and met a guy who likes to hunt as much as me so that worked out well. Waterfowl hunting lasts almost 6 months of the year too, longer if you travel for it.

Definitely show your W and don't tell. The best thing you can tell friends is that you aren't 100% but you are moving quickly in that direction (that's my opinion, R2C's suggestion may work better for others).

Originally Posted by Mumin
W- I told D1 she can call if she want.
Me- You can also call if you want.

Shouldn't have said that last part I guess...

Probably a good idea to leave that part out next time, it's not a big deal though.

What money is she needing to transfer?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Mumin #2885890 02/16/20 09:10 PM
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Hi all,

Ouufgh, like many here I am feeling a bit exhausted. Need to vent a bit..
Just handling the kids 24/7 can be tough, work, activities and all this S@@t this on top...

So anyway, came home yesterday (W not home) and spent all day cleaning and catching up some work.
W showed up late tonight (sunday) and she spent most time with kids and me working, until after bedtime.

She noted that I had started listening to Hard Rock.
Told her Wow when she showed her new chest..

Now after bedtime she came up to me when I was working.
Most important extracts of a quite tense "discussion" below.
I guess I made a few mistakes but held a good tempo/cool and stayed firm/strong throughout.

W - Last time you said your going to live in the house.
Me - Yes thats what I have decided is best for me. It is my home. Cant live with brother. It is what I need right now. This is my home.
W - Yes I know it is your home! This changes things so much...
W - It is not common in a separation to live together.
Me - I don't know. There is such a thing as "in house separation"
W- Maybe I will want to get my own place while you live in the house then.

...

Me - You seem to have moved on. You don't always live with your sister. You havn't met me at all in this.
Mentioned she has been emotionally and probably physically unfaithful.

Started talking about future and she said you have to buy my share. I said I dont know if I can afford it. Either I buy your share or we sell and each get a new place.

Me -This is your decision and the way you have acted I can't see how we would share a second apartment and handle this all together. So the way I see it, now you are responsible for yours and I am responsible for mine.
W - Well ok then. (And she walked off with heavy steps)

Right now she is playing loud music by her self, walking around with heavy steps in the house.

Feeling unsure but glad I was firm on my position. Defnitely some "explaining myself" though...


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Mumin #2885992 02/17/20 03:03 PM
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At work so quick reply to answer some previous questions and to bump my thread.

In regards to social media I have been continuing my previous level.
Staying fun and not showing that much.

Quote
What money is she needing to transfer?


She still hasn't payed her share of this months expenses.
"Surgery was more expensive than I thought"


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Mumin #2886026 02/17/20 06:22 PM
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Quote
Just handling the kids 24/7 can be tough, work, activities and all this S@@t this on top...
There's an old-ish American saying that I think applies here: make that stuff your B!+ch. It can be tough or you can be tougher. Take pride in being the best in that stuff.

Quote
Told her Wow when she showed her new chest..
What? Did she get fake boobs or something?

Quote
"Surgery was more expensive than I thought"


If you guys are separated and she got elective surgery that doesn't detract from her joint responsibilities. Do not cut her slack on this. Let her know that she needs to pay her portion of the joint bills. Write everything down so you don't forget or lose track of the financial situation.

I'd shorten up the responses to her questions, especially when she asks the same questions again. She is mainly just complaining that you are living in your own home. Then she started throwing a fit and stomping around the house, being rebellious with her loud music. Ooooohhhh, scary...haha.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Mumin #2886035 02/17/20 07:02 PM
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If a WW gets plastic surgery to make herself more attractive for OM (which is always what it is for and, in your W's case, is certainly what it is for)... YOU DO NOT PAY ANY PART OF THAT!!! She is doing that and incurring that expense to spice up her R with the OM. You don't even think of dividing the marital "expenses" until she excludes/covers the plastic surgery. PERIOD. END OF DISCUSSION.

There's no way in h3ll you should have to bear ANY of that expense... c'mon, man! If it was more expensive than she anticipated... OH WELL... LESSON LEARNED FOR HER. Any expenses related to her A or to prettying herself up for OM or for travel to see or be with OM or to otherwise carry on or spice up the affair(and some include cell phone bill here, as well) MUST be borne by the WW.

Are you really going to let yourself be charged $$ so that she can better carry on cheating on you?

Last edited by job; 02/22/20 11:13 PM. Reason: edited language

H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Mumin #2886084 02/17/20 11:20 PM
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Quote
What? Did she get fake boobs or something?

Yes

Will I be paying for them? Oh H3LL NO!!!
like you said I will be adding this to the list of what she owes me. I have good control here, trust me cool
Exceeding 2 grand now.

I will continue processing the bills but from now on I will set a date that I expect her to transfer her share.

As you mentioned Ovr, yeah she was acting real childish. Later I saw that she had cried a bit.
I will never understand the WW reasoning. She will loose everything in this path..

Will try and shorten responses.
Thanks again Ovr and hoosjim

Last edited by job; 02/22/20 11:14 PM. Reason: edited language

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Mumin #2886134 02/18/20 01:40 PM
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Just noticed that she has chosen to not show ANY pictures she is tagged in with me on Instagram.
Probably she has also deleted/hidden pictures that she has posted of me... (Dont really remember her previous pictures but there's are none of me on her instagram profile atm and I find that highly unlikely given she has used it since 2012. Also pretty sure she always had way more photos than me, which isnt the case anymore.)
This really really HURTS! frown

I know I shouldn't have looked at this in the first place, but today was the first time she posted anything there in several months so I open here profile and noted the low number of photos...

Do you think I should confront/ask her about it?


Last edited by Mumin; 02/18/20 01:42 PM.

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Mumin #2886138 02/18/20 02:09 PM
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M,

What is your goal in the confrontation?

I get the feeling you’re in denial regarding what is going on here.

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