Standing Up For Whatever Comes Next pt 6

[peacetoday]

The others are all 100% right on and correct

My XH did a lot around the house during the separation process
he took the kids 3-5x a week to various outings
He answered calls, he came over he was still there
He paid me weekly

The thing is I could see his craziness getting worse
and I took legal action

after D
He totally vanished
One actual call message from him like 2 years back...admitting he messed up and needed help

They run and the OW pressures them as well

Since he is leaving the country, you would be better off getting the L to make sure you get what you need
from here on
Let it all be legally documented now, so they can access his checks and properties

If things are not in both names, you may have a harder time if you need to sell stuff
even if your Marrieed
We lost an expensive car, he left because It was in his name only, and I could not get it no matter what I did
and I went to court b4 a judge

Truthfully I never would have guessed amy XH would vanish and for this long

[Gerda]

You can keep hope alive in your heart and still listen to all the wise words here about protecting yourself and D3. I say that because I didn't understand that and now I am paying the price.

The other thing is to establish precedent. I tried to hold our family together for six years,worked five jobs and even gave H money when he stopped participating in family life. It was complicated because we owned business together but even so -- now they are trying to say that I am the "monied" spouse and should give him alimony. I make probably 30K a year outside of our joint rental income (which will disappear if he forces a sale of our home) and we have hundreds of thousands in debt and he doesn't even pay child support consistently and they are still using that "precedent." I hopefully will win against that nonsense but I have to pay a L and go through endless court nightmare stress to do it and I could even lose. So set up the precedent that is true and right while you still have the chance. I agree with DnJ and everyone else -- go tomorrow and file for injunctive relief, you can file the papers and then line up a lawyer to do the rest if you have to. Do it before he goes.

You can continue to be a lighthouse. If you don't know what to say, it can be something like, "I don't want to divorce and I don't agree with your choice, out of respect for your choice and our marriage, I need to make sure our daughter is provided for. I am not placing blame, just making sure she will have what she needs."

[CanBird]

~J~ Thank you everyone for your words

Hs upcoming dep destination is unknown, but I trust my gut on this, that its out of the country. Eventually he needs to return for work stuff, but in a different state. More on that in a few weeks.

Pardon me if I'm repeating myself at anytime. Lack of sleep. Yesterday, as I was making arrangements for D3s care, I decided it was time to speak my truth. So 2 people I trust know my sitch. I didnt bring up the ow. It literally makes me sick thinking about it.

H made pancakes this morning. Last night "playful dad" read D3 lots if stories. Insert eye rolls here ".." Painting that perfect dad picture. Ugh...

I'm waiting to hook up with lawyer again. I was up early getting my information together, and feel pretty good about what I've got...things that where requested.

H has nothing in our mbdrm. Has just the office to go through.

Waiting game. This is very unreal. I've yet to tell my family. Baby steps.

[CanBird]

~J~ warning: my thoughts are all over the place and so is this post.

I'm having such mixed emotions about seeing the lawyer tomorrow. I don't want to throw H under the bus. But know I should protect myself. Yes, he had an A and is presumibly running away to be with ow in another country. Our marriage wasnt perfect. He's supported our family as the income earner for 7 years, never really questioned any of my purchases. He's always been the spender & admits it. I've always said, do I need to get a job? And finally now he's saying we really need a second income. He works & has nothing to show for it. I know where most of our money goes. H earned it, so I never questioned things. There are financial presurres on him, I know. How much of it is OURS? He says, it would be nice to pay off one more credit card and blurts off what he's purchased for the house/my car. We'd be using funds from our rental income. I'd consider paying some of it off. What money was spent on ow? Not paying that!

I dont want it to get ugly & have a feeling it will.

Thoughts on what I can say ?

[job]

You need to breathe! Stay calm, if you can when speaking to the lawyer. Advise him/her that your h wants a separation/divorce and he may be planning to leave the country. Advise him of the fact that you have a young daughter, home and rental property and then ask him what are you entitled to. You can also advise him of what your h has "promised" in the way of support. Ask about the direct deposit of the money deducted from his pay check directly to your account...see if that is possible for you. Also, you need to mention about your citizenship issue as well because your h doesn't want things to actually be done correctly until your citizenship is in place.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Can

Breathe.

Remember just business.

Do as job suggested.

Your mixed emotions are perfectly normal. Your feelings will zip around back and forth; and cause you many second thoughts.

Feelings are fleeting. They are real. And they are temporary. Make current decisions based on thoughts, logic, and reason. Even when it feels wrong. That’s some of the counterintuitive part of the path.

Breathe.

Things are becoming more real to you. Confiding in your two trusted friends is a good sign. You are pushing back the curtain of denial.

Denial is not a bad or weak thing. It is a protective mechanism for your psyche. Your mind will block things from you and your heart until you can face them. It’s very normal and a little weird to live through. More and more stuff will be revealed to yourself as you keep healing and moving forward. As I said, this is a good thing.

As emotions mix and stir, thoughts will follow. Listen to the sage counsel while you get your feet under you.

So a few things for you to “know” while your feelings are all over the place.

I'm having such mixed emotions about seeing the lawyer tomorrow. I don't want to throw H under the bus. But know I should protect myself.

H threw himself under the bus. Not you!

As you stated - “I should protect myself”. Yes you should. And need too.

How much of it is OURS?

All of it!

Do not undervalue a stay at home Mom. Your choice to remain at home gave the option for him to work like he did.

Marriage is a partnership. And that is not measured in money. Everything the two of you have is because both of you worked for it. Never sell yourself short.

I decided it was time to speak my truth. So 2 people I trust know my sitch. I didnt bring up the ow. It literally makes me sick thinking about it.

MIL is a different situation. I suggested not telling her, leaving son and Mom to their relationship. You focus on your’s.

This is different. These are two trust people in your life. Why not tell them? Who are you protecting?

I am only asking to help you clarify why. I doubt it’s to protect the trusted friends. Unlikely your protecting H, well maybe a bit. It’s really protecting you.

Can, it’s ok to tell them. You trust them. You can be vulnerable with them. And it’s good to have real life supportive friends.

Think about the why. You can tell me your answers if you like. I would like to hear them. You can bounce ideas of us here, before you make the decision to tell IRL.

The same for your family.

(((Can)))

My speaking to your emotional path probably sounds like it muddled things up. Things are already muddled up. Sticking to business doesn’t mean ignoring your emotions. You have a two pronged approach right now; business side and emotional side. Both are for and about you.

Focus on you - currently has two goals.

So, see your lawyer. And stick to business as best you can.

You got this. Stay strong.

DnJ

[CanBird]

I'm a bag of nerves right now. My heart is pounding so hard it hurts.

I know what to say to lawyer. This is what I want:

-I want things to go as H & I have discussed.
-D3 & I live in the house.
-D3 has H med. I remain until D is final, even if I get a job.
-D3 is under my care, and doesn't go anywhere without consent. If out of state, I travel too & it's paid for. She can travel with guardian (MIL or other family) if I do not go.
-Funds will be available as normal to pay for normal living costs. This includes daycare for D3 (as many days as we can get & 1 activity, like soccer or gymnastics). Food & car/gas, house bills, clothes for D3.
-Cell phone remains paid for. Line of communication for D3.
-Our rental property provides income. This helps cover our mortgage & other loan.
-Vehicles go in my name, so if they need to be sold I can do it. Money is split.
-If house get sold (in both names) it's split.

How can I be guaranteed that all that happen?

What to say to H?
-I didn't ask for a D. This is not what I wanted. This is what you want. I have to look after my best interest & D3. I'm making sure D3 & I have our questions answered, & feel confident proceeding through this, and not go in blindly.

-You're leaving and we don't know where. (In Feb/March we do know. Eventually back to sea). I need to know I'm going to be okay. And I can't do it alone.

[CanBird]

I contacted my L again to set up our plan.

I feel a bit of relief after my last post. This is business. I have to put my emotions aside.

Thank you everyone for the ongoing support during this time.

This is business. My heart still aches, but it'll get better eventually.

[DnJ]

Hello Can

That’s a good list.

You’d be surprised at what a MLCer is actually after. Freedom. They’re not thinking like you and me. They’re are all emotions.

Or more accurately - you’d be surprised what some of them are willing to give away for their wanted freedom and no responsibilities.

What that in mind:

What to say to H?
-I didn't ask for a D. This is not what I wanted. This is what you want. I have to look after my best interest & D3. I'm making sure D3 & I have our questions answered, & feel confident proceeding through this, and not go in blindly.

Say nothing.

What is the point? To tell him how you feel? He already knows.

Be still and calm and just do your business quietly. If he finds out a certain strategy he will most definitely use it against you. Remember business deal gone bad. He is emotional and a wreck not stupid.

Let him bring stuff up. If you listen he will tell you; they drop clues all the time; what he is after. Usually they are willing to give up things and certain rights for more immediate money.

-D3 is under my care, and doesn't go anywhere without consent. If out of state, I travel too & it's paid for. She can travel with guardian (MIL or other family) if I do not go.

Go after full custody. Don’t even bring up anything else. You do not need to put ideas in his addled mind. What if he is actually wanting to not have D3? I know how strange that sounds. I have an XW who threw away her own children. I never ever would have expected that!

Also do not list or bring MIL or other family into this. It’s between you and H. As long as your consent is needed then your interested are covered. Besides things change and MIL may not always be in your corner. Blood is thicker than water. And friends can be fickle. Other things seen I never would have expected.

-You're leaving and we don't know where. (In Feb/March we do know. Eventually back to sea). I need to know I'm going to be okay. And I can't do it alone.

This is something else you don’t have to bring up. He is moving out. In his mind he is a rebellious teenager. He won’t be telling you where or when he is going. You do what you need to for protection and security. Then, you know you will be ok. You take control of your’s and D3’s care and future.

One more thing for now. Tell the lawyer your situation first. Let him explain what your rights are. What you are entitled too. Your best case, worse cast, and probable case. Ask what can be negotiated.

For me everything, except child support, was negotiable. The value of the house, custody, pension, alimony, accounts, everything except child support.

Then go from there and bring in your wants. Know your priorities of these wants. Which one’s are you willing to really fight for and which you could let go for the more important ones.

You’re doing fine.

You will make it through this.

DnJ

[peacetoday]

Hi

(((CAN)))

No need to talk to H about this
Let the L tell you what is reasonable and what is your part

Usually the MLCer may get angry about what they may lose
They think up their own plan, and get mad when we dont agree
Still keep the focus on your needs
A business deal...thats all it is
The M is over

Remember he is thinking about his new life, not about you or D3 and yes many will totally abandon their kids or at the very least be a terrible parent

I personally did not want my kids around OW..She was an addict and I did not trust what she might do to them

Remember the Mlcer may get worse
Get what you need to protect D3 in the papers now-
It will be harder to change later

As for the credit card debt...The L can review the statements to see if anything can be done and what your part is

Is your name off the cards?
Is your joint money safe?

As I said MY xh owed a lot of CC debt and he was gambling also

But my name was taken off all cards as soon as I realized what was happening,
Because of that , I was not responsible for his debt.

Then at the end he charged again on an old card --thousands of dollars that he had no intention of paying and he took off
Let the L tell you what you need to pay
Get the statements first

Dont agree to pay anything off...He can take his share and pay his debt..


I would also go for full custody of your D
I would not want my children to travel to see him especially out of the country

You don't know what condition he will be in down the road and the OW is usually not
the kind of person you want around your precious D
if you can help it ..talk to L maybe he can visit her here

Its good to have support, so Im glad you confided..
Many others will understand because D is so common
I made many good friends through this..

Hang in