I don't know what to do next

[Cest_Moi]

I haven't been a priority to myself in probably 6+ years. Even before that - I was focused on my H (Can you say co-dependent???)

I'm ok with him not being sure of his own feelings - it gives me a glimmer of hope - not all is lost as long as there is a glimmer.

The person he initially fell in love with was confident, social, happy-go-lucky. Now I'm self-conscious (2 kids and speeding towards 40 will do that for you!), withdrawn and quiet.
I have a class tomorrow, plans on Thurs (just me) and Fri (me and kids) and Sunday coffee date with myself (unless I can find a friend to join me).
I've stopped walking around the house hunched over with my head down, and apologizing for being in his way. Now I'm head up and doing my own thing. Fake it till you make it right?

[Caligirl]

Fake it till you make it !

I am in no way telling you to lie but my H had this weird pattern . He would take kids . Spend all day with them and then have family watch them and go out to party . They were safe and never really noticed so I let it go on a bit . I noticed a pattern when he was done Partying he would send me messages in the middle of the nite . Some really hurtful ones , sometimes how he missed me . This would go on as I would respond . I don’t know what got into me (probably read something on here) but one night I wrote back . I have big plans in the morning I will talk to you maybe tomorrow and shut my phone off . I had no plans . So yes I faked it but it really was a turning point that he realized I was now my own person . He fired me. He lost access to me then .

Smile as much as you can . You will find your own peace . Really learn to just be nice but short and keep moving .

You can be ok with him not knowing what he wants but what do you want ? Like really want . Every time I felt defeated I went back to this is a marathon not a sprint .

I’m curious... you are left with $120 biweekly.. what is he left with ? Do not let him short change you or your children so he can keep up his lifestyle .

[Cest_Moi]

Fake it till you make it !

I am in no way telling you to lie but my H had this weird pattern . He would take kids . Spend all day with them and then have family watch them and go out to party . They were safe and never really noticed so I let it go on a bit . I noticed a pattern when he was done Partying he would send me messages in the middle of the nite . Some really hurtful ones , sometimes how he missed me . This would go on as I would respond . I don’t know what got into me (probably read something on here) but one night I wrote back . I have big plans in the morning I will talk to you maybe tomorrow and shut my phone off . I had no plans . So yes I faked it but it really was a turning point that he realized I was now my own person . He fired me. He lost access to me then .

Smile as much as you can . You will find your own peace . Really learn to just be nice but short and keep moving .

You can be ok with him not knowing what he wants but what do you want ? Like really want . Every time I felt defeated I went back to this is a marathon not a sprint .

I’m curious... you are left with $120 biweekly.. what is he left with ? Do not let him short change you or your children so he can keep up his lifestyle .

His going out consists of going to Walmart or the gym, otherwise, he sits at home in the basement. I am being more quiet about what I'm doing - letting him know I'm going out and will be back later (and then just sitting at starbucks ha)

I want my marriage, I want my family. Things have been complacent on both our sides for awhile and I just never had the confidence to make the first move.

He's left with pretty much the same - he will have his truck payment, but I will have the property tax bill, more utilities than him being in an apartment, I am keeping the animals and I told him that we will need to put money into an account for all the girls misc items. Plus what we usually spent in groceries in a month will now be coming from each of us, vs jointly. Daycare will increase with split custody, insurance will go up because we will lose the multi vehicle discount.

[Pommy99]

I think the friendliness is usually guilt-induced. Like other posters have said, also because he’s not sure of his own feelings. Anyone can be a grown up and be “nice” to people, but that’s not really what matters in this case, right?

Take it at face value, don’t dwell in his niceness. Do what you have to do to detach, grow, and love yourself again. I’m glad to hear that you’re putting yourself first.

I understand all this is 10 times harder when you have young children. Hang in there!

I have to agree with this. Don’t try and read anything into his behaviours and words. I know this is hard to do...I am so guilty of letting my emotions react to the number of kisses on a text message, or the fact he’s done a nice deed for me, or how close he might sit next to me on the sofa. It doesn’t mean anything, especially when interspersed with comments around S/D. You sound like you are doing great at detaching and GAL .

[Cest_Moi]

You sound like you are doing great at detaching and GAL .

Haha nope - but I'm good at faking it! I smile and head out and try my best to be happy while I'm out, but my heart is breaking on the inside. Then I come home upbeat and happy.

I'm torn, because in reading DR, it talks about looking for the signs that what you're doing is working - he's more engaged with me than he has been in months, so that's a sign. But then he flips the script and talks about S/D. It's almost like when he tells me that he hasn't changed his mind, that he's trying to convince himself of that, not me.

[oceangrl]

You sound like you are doing great at detaching and GAL .

Haha nope - but I'm good at faking it! I smile and head out and try my best to be happy while I'm out, but my heart is breaking on the inside. Then I come home upbeat and happy.

I'm torn, because in reading DR, it talks about looking for the signs that what you're doing is working - he's more engaged with me than he has been in months, so that's a sign. But then he flips the script and talks about S/D. It's almost like when he tells me that he hasn't changed his mind, that he's trying to convince himself of that, not me.

which is possible. I think he finds you a more safe place now to talk to, etc. So it could be working.

You described what your husband was attracted to in the OW. Yes, my H did the same. She was older than me, frumpier, I have a better body, but she was super confident and active and took control of her life.

So fine, we can do that too. But not for him FOR YOU. For us. Men are attracted in general to confidence, passion (as in being passionate about something in your life), authenticity.

I started with the way I walked. I stopped walking like a sad sack with my eyes on the ground and my shoulders slumped (I don't mean to be hard on myself, my life was freaking hard and I was heartbroken). But I started walking with a confident step, I looked face forward with an open, receptive look on my face, I let my hips move. I started to be back in my body. I tried to stay in the present. As I walked I would focus on things I was happy about. Even the blue sky. It began to ripple in other areas of my life. It had a surprising effect on my husband. He would start to catch my hand. The important thing about detaching is I would think, if he does fine, if he doesn't fine. This is for me. My happiness had to stop being about him. And I did this "walk" whether I was alone or not.

The best thing about this experience CM, is that you have an opportunity to reconnect with yourself. Who are you? What happened to the exciting woman who got lost with kids and the mundanity of life? Find her! I promised to never lose myself again. I began to take long walks/runs in the morning, I found out I like to hike, I started taking way better care of my body. I found out I don't care much about make-up but I like to invest in skincare. Do you know I took a trip to Europe by myself? I would not have done that before.

Focus on you!

I stopped wondering why I wasn't enough and why I wasn't the OW and started telling myself I was awesome and I am a catch. Your brain will believe what you tell it. I told myself my future was mine and it would be happy. It took a while, but I believe it now.

He will either wake up and realize you are a catch, or you will realize you aren't that interested in a guy who isn't faithful when things get hard and goes to walmart and sits in the basement.

[Pommy99]

You sound like you are doing great at detaching and GAL .

Haha nope - but I'm good at faking it! I smile and head out and try my best to be happy while I'm out, but my heart is breaking on the inside. Then I come home upbeat and happy.

I'm torn, because in reading DR, it talks about looking for the signs that what you're doing is working - he's more engaged with me than he has been in months, so that's a sign. But then he flips the script and talks about S/D. It's almost like when he tells me that he hasn't changed his mind, that he's trying to convince himself of that, not me.

Ah yes faking is a good tactic, and as OG says you do start to believe that you are enjoying it. I have gone and sat in wine bars on my own, just so I can come home from work 2 hrs late! And at the same time realised how nice it was to relax on my own, in a bar and get some me time. When he is working away and calls me I pretend I’ve had a great evening even if all I’ve done is stare blankly at the ceiling, feeling numb or torn apart. Keep going!

[oceangrl]

Ah yes faking is a good tactic, and as OG says you do start to believe that you are enjoying it. I have gone and sat in wine bars on my own, just so I can come home from work 2 hrs late! And at the same time realised how nice it was to relax on my own, in a bar and get some me time. When he is working away and calls me I pretend I’ve had a great evening even if all I’ve done is stare blankly at the ceiling, feeling numb or torn apart. Keep going!

Honestly, we really do deserve oscars for some of our faking performances!!!

[Cest_Moi]

You sound like you are doing great at detaching and GAL .

Haha nope - but I'm good at faking it! I smile and head out and try my best to be happy while I'm out, but my heart is breaking on the inside. Then I come home upbeat and happy.

I'm torn, because in reading DR, it talks about looking for the signs that what you're doing is working - he's more engaged with me than he has been in months, so that's a sign. But then he flips the script and talks about S/D. It's almost like when he tells me that he hasn't changed his mind, that he's trying to convince himself of that, not me.

which is possible. I think he finds you a more safe place now to talk to, etc. So it could be working.

You described what your husband was attracted to in the OW. Yes, my H did the same. She was older than me, frumpier, I have a better body, but she was super confident and active and took control of her life.

So fine, we can do that too. But not for him FOR YOU. For us. Men are attracted in general to confidence, passion (as in being passionate about something in your life), authenticity.

I started with the way I walked. I stopped walking like a sad sack with my eyes on the ground and my shoulders slumped (I don't mean to be hard on myself, my life was freaking hard and I was heartbroken). But I started walking with a confident step, I looked face forward with an open, receptive look on my face, I let my hips move. I started to be back in my body. I tried to stay in the present. As I walked I would focus on things I was happy about. Even the blue sky. It began to ripple in other areas of my life. It had a surprising effect on my husband. He would start to catch my hand. The important thing about detaching is I would think, if he does fine, if he doesn't fine. This is for me. My happiness had to stop being about him. And I did this "walk" whether I was alone or not.

The best thing about this experience CM, is that you have an opportunity to reconnect with yourself. Who are you? What happened to the exciting woman who got lost with kids and the mundanity of life? Find her! I promised to never lose myself again. I began to take long walks/runs in the morning, I found out I like to hike, I started taking way better care of my body. I found out I don't care much about make-up but I like to invest in skincare. Do you know I took a trip to Europe by myself? I would not have done that before.

Focus on you!

I stopped wondering why I wasn't enough and why I wasn't the OW and started telling myself I was awesome and I am a catch. Your brain will believe what you tell it. I told myself my future was mine and it would be happy. It took a while, but I believe it now.

He will either wake up and realize you are a catch, or you will realize you aren't that interested in a guy who isn't faithful when things get hard and goes to walmart and sits in the basement.

You may have mistaken me for someone else My husband had an affair, but it was 7 years ago and she was younger, skinnier but yes, more confident!

I have totally changed the way I walk, and stopped apologizing for everything.

Detaching feels like a full time job - I'm constantly challenging my thoughts and it can be exhausting!

I am taking small steps - going out tonite with friends and tomorrow with friends and kids.

I actually caught him checking me out on Tuesday which was a huge shock and ego boost!

[SteveLW]

Ah yes faking is a good tactic, and as OG says you do start to believe that you are enjoying it. I have gone and sat in wine bars on my own, just so I can come home from work 2 hrs late! And at the same time realised how nice it was to relax on my own, in a bar and get some me time. When he is working away and calls me I pretend I’ve had a great evening even if all I’ve done is stare blankly at the ceiling, feeling numb or torn apart. Keep going!

Honestly, we really do deserve oscars for some of our faking performances!!!

The key is that eventually it is no longer an act. At first, yes, but then it becomes the new norm. Of course, it doesn't really work until it becomes the new norm. Which is why LBSs need to intestinal fortitude to stick it out until then, and not give up on it while it is still an act.