Up to you my friend. I discussed with others here who suggested sending that letter could wait. Me not wanting to finalize the D does not mean I have an urge to get back together with her. Especially not after all that's happened. I am in no rush for a quick fix that would lead me to BD2.
I remember what that urge felt like last year. That's why I'm so sure. That urge is no longer there. But that doesn't mean I want the doors closed for good. Not right now at least, but it could be how I feel in not that long.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Up to you my friend. I discussed with others here who suggested sending that letter could wait. Me not wanting to finalize the D does not mean I have an urge to get back together with her. Especially not after all that's happened. I am in no rush for a quick fix that would lead me to BD2.
I remember what that urge felt like last year. That's why I'm so sure. That urge is no longer there. But that doesn't mean I want the doors closed for good. Not right now at least, but it could be how I feel in not that long.
So how does finalizing the D close the door for good? I see a lot of LBSs struggling with that these days. AnotherStander and other great DBers have said repeatedly that D is a step in the process. If dropping that envelope in the mail today stops R from happening down the line, then it was not a very strong R to begin with.
I am seeing a lot of contradictions in you Ben. I think you saw this reaching out about the lump as a chance to get back together. Then remaining in contact past that as another opportunity to get back together. I mean, deep down isn't that what you are struggling with? You claim you don't want to get back together, but isn't that why you asked about discussing "us"?
If you don't want to get back together. And if you don't want to be in the friend zone. And if you don't want to finalize D. Then I am confused about what you want.
Last edited by Steve85; 06/10/2003:33 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sorry Steve but that is absolutely incorrect. To begin with, you are right, finalizing the D doesn't stop us from getting back together in the future. But you are 100% wrong in that I saw her reaching out due the lump as a chance of getting back together. I did no such thing. I ignored all her attempts of reaching out until she mentioned that. I am not going to continue DBing when she has a history of breast cancer in her family. If she did indeed have cancer and didn't survive, how foolish of me to stick with DB principles. I put that aside and and went with her to the hospital since she doesn't have any family in this country.
And I think you are misunderstanding. You say I have "urges" to do things. I have an urge to discuss us or I have an urge to get back together. That is what I am disputing here. I never said I didn't want to get back together. I said I don't have an urge for any of what you are saying. I am happy with any outcome. That doesn't mean I don't want to explore the option of getting back together, IF that is even an option. But if you think I am holding on to some hope caused by the lump in her chest and her reaching out due to that, that is simply not true. She found that lump months ago and it took months before I even answered any messages regarding anything besides the hospital visits. I have had my guard up ever since.
But to get back to filing for D, like I said, I discussed with others here who suggested that could wait, now that she and I seem to be connecting again. Of course, I could file for D right now. But you are the only one so far who has suggested that. And I haven't even disagreed with you. I just don't know why that would be important since others seem to think it can wait?
I think it perhaps sounds weak, like I would say "W, we need to talk. What do you see for us in the future". Is that perhaps what you imagine my conversation would be? If so, I understand why you think that would be a bad idea. My conversation would be more like me being clear about what I want moving forward and see how she responds to that. If what I say doesn't seem resonate with her, I excuse myself and move on with my life. Then I can send that letter.
At least that's the plan for now although I am open for ideas and discussions?
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Sorry Steve but that is absolutely incorrect. To begin with, you are right, finalizing the D doesn't stop us from getting back together in the future. But you are 100% wrong in that I saw her reaching out due the lump as a chance of getting back together. I did no such thing. I ignored all her attempts of reaching out until she mentioned that. I am not going to continue DBing when she has a history of breast cancer in her family. If she did indeed have cancer and didn't survive, how foolish of me to stick with DB principles. I put that aside and and went with her to the hospital since she doesn't have any family in this country.
Its a nice gesture, but you overlook that she fired you as her husband.. She left you in a mess and didnt give you the same consideration. Another way to look at this.. If you got fired from your job and the &^&* all over you, then called you back 12 months later asking for assistance becuase they couldnt solve an issue, would assist ? I know i wouldnt.
Originally Posted by BenB
And I think you are misunderstanding. You say I have "urges" to do things. I have an urge to discuss us or I have an urge to get back together. That is what I am disputing here. I never said I didn't want to get back together. I said I don't have an urge for any of what you are saying. I am happy with any outcome. That doesn't mean I don't want to explore the option of getting back together, IF that is even an option. But if you think I am holding on to some hope caused by the lump in her chest and her reaching out due to that, that is simply not true. She found that lump months ago and it took months before I even answered any messages regarding anything besides the hospital visits. I have had my guard up ever since.
Why keep up the contact then ? You went through months of posting about your GAL etc, then your posts are all about a cheating ex. - and from an outsider looking in, its excuse after excuse to justify your reasonings.
Originally Posted by BenB
But you are the only one so far who has suggested that. And I haven't even disagreed with you. I just don't know why that would be important since others seem to think it can wait?
Plus 2 for the filing vote - Why wait - move on, enjoy life. You are luckier than 99% of the people here becuase there are no kids involved.
Originally Posted by BenB
I think it perhaps sounds weak, like I would say "W, we need to talk. What do you see for us in the future". Is that perhaps what you imagine my conversation would be? If so, I understand why you think that would be a bad idea. My conversation would be more like me being clear about what I want moving forward and see how she responds to that. If what I say doesn't seem resonate with her, I excuse myself and move on with my life. Then I can send that letter.
At least that's the plan for now although I am open for ideas and discussions?
If you dont want her back, why have the conversation ? - why waste time ? just file and enjoy life.. You are so fortunate that you wont have the messy custody battle - Enjoy and move on.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
This really isn't about being impatient. I don't plan on having an R talk. I should not have explained it that way as my first post today. I most certainly have no expectations, I haven't struggled with expectations in what must be over a year now. So I'm good there. I am just not sure I want to continue the way we have for the past few months.
If you have read my thread you know it started with her thinking she has cancer. But after that, we've kept in touch and what seemed like I was friend zoned has evolved into more. Steve questioned whether it could be because she is benefiting from something financially but there isn't. AS wrote that his friend started out slow like this and eventually they got back together.
So yes, I could let things be and "trust the process". But sooner or later I have to decide if I am sending that letter to finalize the D or not. I am in no rush here, not until after summer at least. Sure, I'll wait if that is the consensus here but is it? That's all I'm trying to figure out.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
I don't understand what you mean I'm afraid. Why do both you and Steve keep insisting I say I don't want her back? When have I ever said that?
I respectfully disagree with what you say about the nice gesture. I don't care if she fired me as husband. We are talking about death here. Nothing anyone says will ever change how I feel about that.
Sorry, please forgive me for not understanding here but why would I file for D? Again, I have never said I don't want her back. But there is a huge difference between considering taking someone back if they do the necessary work and having urges to get back together with someone.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
