Still married couple from Scandinavia Part 2

[LH19]

B,

You I have no problem with it but agree that it might mess with your detachment.

[Jason88]

Hi BenB,
I have followed your sitch and it’s quite similar to mine (BD in March 19, W in her thirties, no kids).
I am still not fully detached although I GAL like crazy, and I still think about XW a lot. Out of curiosity, what about you ? Do you date other women and if yes has it helped you detach ? Thanks

[Mumin]

Nice to see you back Ben, really hope it is not cancer!

I really understand you going with her.
With regards to detachment I would try to prepare mentally for different settings.

[AnotherStander]

Ben, personally I've always felt that when it comes to situations like this you should be there for them if they want that. I don't think it's "bad DB'ing" to ask her, and to go with her if she requests it. My opinion is that this is what is meant by keeping the way home paved and smooth.

My XW went through a breast cancer scare not too long after BD. I did the same as you, offered to go to appointments with her and do anything she needed around the house while going through treatment. She did in fact have cancer. She did not want anything from me, so I honored her wishes and stayed away. I think now that some time has passed that she would be more inclined to accept the help, but back then she didn't even want to be in the same room as me. So be there for her if she wants you to be, give her space if she doesn't want you helping.

[BenB]

Thanks LH, M, AS,


I really didn´t expect this and it scares me to think this could be something serious. The thought of her not being around anymore makes me nauseous but I can´t worry too much about it since I won´t know for a while.

I don´t know how it works but I assume she just takes some test on Wednesday and we know a week later.

Yesterday W messaged me and asked again if she could buy some CBD oil from me. I was on my way to pick up my dog and said I could drop it off afterwards. I ended up going up to her apartment and let her play with the pug for a while.

Yeah, it was not great for detachment to see her. I still love her and seeing her in that small apartment felt so wrong. Like what is she doing there, we should be at our place. But I´m not bothered by it, I see that as an opportunity to grow. Me being able to calm my anxiety and my heart, I always feel stronger after I do that.

I left after a few minutes, we hugged and said we´ll see each other on Wednesday.

[BenB]

Hi Jason,

I will NEVER again date to help my detachment! Now is about becoming the best version of yourself. If you run away from your feelings, you would be missing out on a golden opportunity to grow.

I didn´t understand this when I was younger and the aha moment wasn´t until I found this forum and started reading the threads and books that were recommended. Yes, you will detach quicker if you meet other women but you are skipping important steps you need to take by doing so.

I am going out on dates but that was mostly just initially after W moved out(I hadn´t had sex in many months!). Now I haven´t been intimate with anyone in a few months and I´m not searching(swiping) much. I can literally feel myself becoming stronger and more confident every day.

[Mumin]

I can literally feel myself becoming stronger and more confident every day.

This is amazing!

Not sure I would have gone by her place but in general sounds like you're handling this great!

[BenB]

Hi everyone,

I should probably post an update as it has been a while. My business, which is live entertainment, has been massively affected by the corona virus so times are tough but I'll be fine. There are so many people who don't even know how to pay rent so I am thankful I can survive without income for a while

W has been coming over to my place a few times to hang out and play with the pug these past few weeks. I´ve allowed it since we were waiting to hear back if the lump she found is cancer or not.
The first time I saw her I felt all those feelings return as I mentioned previously but they settled down shortly after. I can see she hasn't done any work on herself mentally, not that I have asked, but I still see signs of someone who wants to escape reality. It is not an attractive quality. While I've done so much work internally and focused on my growth, she seems to be the same person albeit kinder to me than when this madness started.

About two weeks ago when she was at my place she noticed I had a second phone next to me and asked me about it - 

W: How come you have two phones?

I wasn't prepared for that question and all I could do was tell the truth

Me: Well, there's a dating app, sort of secret although many know about it. It is used by celebrities and people in the entertainment industry. You have to be invited and after that there is a selection process where you will be notified if you qualify. But the app is only available on IOS so I had to buy an iphone.

W: Oh, I've heard about that....so did you get in?

Me: Yeah.

There was some awkwardness but I quickly moved on to the next subject so no silence or anything.

Last week she messaged and asked if we should meet for lunch and we did. There she told me that she got the test results from the biopsy. The tumour was benign, they wouldn't remove it but they'll need to keep an eye on it. So basically all is good but it also means I have no reason to keep seeing her really. Two days ago she wrote and asked if I wanted to join for lunch but I politely declined(I was busy). Yesterday she wrote and asked if I was home. I didn't see the message so I replied about an hour later that I was now on my way home. 

We didn't write more after that. But here comes the tricky part. April 13 means the 6 month waiting period is over and I can now proceed with the divorce if I want to. So far, I haven't sent the request. None of us have spoken about it. If by mid October the court doesn't hear from either of us, we will remain married and have to file for divorce and start the process all over again should we want that.

Anyway, I need to think long and hard about what I want but most likely I will send the letter soon and finalize the divorce. 

[LH19]

Benny B,

I think it’s absolutely time for NC and you might have to make it clear you’re not interested in a friendship.

I think there is hope for you but it’s gonna take some time. As for your timeline I would wait awhile and see what happens if your interested in reconn.

[Ginger1]

Off topic here..... I have a question about this dating app.

So this super exclusive celebrity app that needs another phone invited still married people in?