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A Message from Michele
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Re: My wife doesn't want to fix it [Re: Budvegas] #2882283
01/25/20 02:26 PM
01/25/20 02:26 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 6,547
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Bud, we've seen people go through D and the reconcile. It's never game over until you say it is! Remember Sandi's rules, one says "never give up!".


M(50), W(51),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: My wife doesn't want to fix it [Re: Steve85] #2882286
01/25/20 02:34 PM
01/25/20 02:34 PM
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 153
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Newbie20 Offline
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Bud, mine filed for D. He could have set this thing for hearing and been out by now. He hasn't even done a decree. I am as close to the edge as you get. But today I feel almost optimistic it won't happen. But that's my secret.

Re: My wife doesn't want to fix it [Re: Budvegas] #2882293
01/25/20 03:55 PM
01/25/20 03:55 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,020
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CWarrior Offline
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CWarrior  Offline
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Bud, as others have said, if sheís worth it chances of reconciling are far, far from over. After BD and months of separation, my ex returned to sleeping in my arms 60% of the time. I decided she wasnít worth it, but if yours is, donít give up! Settle in that turning this around will take 6-12 months. That sounds long, but itís probably fast compared to how long it took for all her resentment and wrong feelings to build up. Youíll also be using this time to GAL and build yourself up, so it wonít be a waste whatever the outcome.


My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. I've accepted she sees us as an "us" forever, but can't see her daughter living in my community.
Re: My wife doesn't want to fix it [Re: CWarrior] #2882300
01/25/20 04:47 PM
01/25/20 04:47 PM
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 522
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IronWill Offline
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Bud, as others have said, if sheís worth it chances of reconciling are far, far from over. After BD and months of separation, my ex returned to sleeping in my arms 60% of the time. I decided she wasnít worth it, but if yours is, donít give up! Settle in that turning this around will take 6-12 months. That sounds long, but itís probably fast compared to how long it took for all her resentment and wrong feelings to build up. Youíll also be using this time to GAL and build yourself up, so it wonít be a waste whatever the outcome.


CW is right. If she is worth it, you'll figure out a way to stand.

In my experience it has taken over 17 months just to slow down W's exit.

Figure out what you want to do. Make a decision, set your boundaries, and then you'll know what to do from there.

It is all up to you. Many LBS don't realize that, but it is. You can stand as long as you want. The choice is yours.

Re: My wife doesn't want to fix it [Re: Budvegas] #2882316
01/25/20 07:06 PM
01/25/20 07:06 PM
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Posts: 1,061
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hoosjim Offline
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My WW said we were definitely "done", no way she could see us together or herself having any romantic random feelings for me ever again, and she, too, was trying to figure out the best way to tell the kids.

Took me 15 months from BD and 17 months from start of affair to get to true piecing. It ain't over till its over


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Re: My wife doesn't want to fix it [Re: Budvegas] #2882343
01/26/20 12:19 AM
01/26/20 12:19 AM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 27
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Budvegas Offline OP
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Thanks everyone really appreciate your support. At the moment everyday is tough. But today it went into hyper drive.

Last edited by Budvegas; 01/26/20 12:27 AM.
Re: My wife doesn't want to fix it [Re: Budvegas] #2882347
01/26/20 12:31 AM
01/26/20 12:31 AM
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Budvegas Offline OP
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Hoosjim did you tell the kids, what happened in your sitch?

Re: My wife doesn't want to fix it [Re: Budvegas] #2882352
01/26/20 02:07 AM
01/26/20 02:07 AM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 159
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Core Offline
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It's a rollercoaster from h3ll. We feel you BV. 4-5 months in and the rollercoaster still gets me. You'll feel at times detached, numb or over it then you get hit all over again. Writing it out here, talking to a counselor, or with someone else in a similar sitch helps a little. Like getting alcohol out of the body, time heals best.

What put today in to hyper drive?


H36, W37
D4, S1
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: My wife doesn't want to fix it [Re: Budvegas] #2882474
01/27/20 09:17 AM
01/27/20 09:17 AM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 27
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Budvegas Offline OP
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Well we ended up going to the MC (please don't tell me off I now we shouldn't have done) emotions ran high and it was just not good. But we had a coffee after and had a normal(ish) chat about the situation and etc. I sent that last message before we sat down for the coffee and your words of support really have helped.

I have managed to get some perspective on what she means by it all going to slow.....I moved into the spare room and then we hadn't had any discussions about anything else so I get that.

Us both living in the house is not giving us either of us space. Moving back into the MBR at the moment will make matter worse. I stayed at a friends house last night and just going to take each day has it come. This is not a permanent thing it may be that she stays in a hotel or something but at this stage, I just don't know.

I need to start (as everyone has said) thinking of myself, GAL and continue my self-improvement, I purchased No More Mr Nice Guy which I am working through and think it will help me regardless of the outcome.

Too be clear I have NOT given up and any conversations going forward will just be practical stuff mostly about the kids.

I just need to get the DBing done from the position as always any help or advice is greatly appreciated.

Re: My wife doesn't want to fix it [Re: Budvegas] #2882488
01/27/20 01:33 PM
01/27/20 01:33 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 6,547
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Originally Posted by Budvegas
Well we ended up going to the MC (please don't tell me off I now we shouldn't have done) emotions ran high and it was just not good. But we had a coffee after and had a normal(ish) chat about the situation and etc. I sent that last message before we sat down for the coffee and your words of support really have helped.

I have managed to get some perspective on what she means by it all going to slow.....I moved into the spare room and then we hadn't had any discussions about anything else so I get that.

Us both living in the house is not giving us either of us space. Moving back into the MBR at the moment will make matter worse. I stayed at a friends house last night and just going to take each day has it come. This is not a permanent thing it may be that she stays in a hotel or something but at this stage, I just don't know.

I need to start (as everyone has said) thinking of myself, GAL and continue my self-improvement, I purchased No More Mr Nice Guy which I am working through and think it will help me regardless of the outcome.

Too be clear I have NOT given up and any conversations going forward will just be practical stuff mostly about the kids.

I just need to get the DBing done from the position as always any help or advice is greatly appreciated.



Bud, I will reiterate. Not taking back the MBR (I wouldn't worry about space as she will likely move to the spare bedroom), not staying in the house, going to MC.....this is all the normal path that leads most LBSs to D. So if you do not take the advice to stay in the house (meaning do not spend nights elsewhere), take back the MBR, or to tell her "MC is useless at this point.", then take this advice: call a good D attorney. You will need it.


M(50), W(51),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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