Bud - tomorrow is the one year anniversay of my BD and my sitch is very similar to yours. I have learned a ton of stuff from these guys and the DB book. I'm sorry you are here but looking back, what you are experiencing now is, in my opinion, the worst part.
1. Do NOT move out. DON'T. She want's to leave - there is the door! I was going to be a nice guy and move out initially too in order to save her the aggravation in moving. I had this board and my attorney advise me not to. 2. When is your attorney appointment? You said soon. You need to have one and begin to protect yourself. It [censored], it hurts, it's expensive and when I did it, it was embarrassing. I felt like a failure. I am beyond grateful did it. 3. If she moves out, it'll suck not having your former person in the house, but it dissipates quicker than you'd imagine. She's no longer around and you can focus on you and begin to relax under your own roof. What's she doing at any given future point in time - working? the OM? Food shopping? Who knows, who freggin cares! She's not under your roof causing you misery. 4. What things are you wanting to get back into? What hobbies did you have before you got married that went away? Personally, i got back into playing guitar, playing hockey and photography. Think about this and pick one or two. 5. EXERCISE. Join CrossFit or a gym. Post BD, I used to walk in almost in tears saying I havent slept but 2 hrs the night before... they will understand. You need to put the adrenaline from fight vs flight to good use instead of you letting it wreck your mind.
I am contemplating leaving myself as I do most of the stuff at home. She would have to do it herself
If she wants out, why are you the one changing bedrooms and changing homes? I hope you are able to find it in yourself to reclaim the master bedroom for you and your kids. If a move must occur, be sure the kids stay with you or a 50/50 split is worked out first. Abandoning your kids is no bueno.
Originally Posted by Budvegas
I am contemplating leaving myself as I do most of the stuff at home. She would have to do it herself
What would happen if you began doing only 50-60% of the work?
I am listening to all of you. The situation is getting a little volatile now and the MBR issue will not help.
I have no doubt that she has lost respect for me in someways. When she BD she expected me to leave and was very much against me staying. I am not ruling out the MBR and I now know I shouldn't have given it up. At this moment it will not help the current sitch. Like a lot of people have said it is a marathon and I have put myself behind the starting line.
I do really appreciate all the advice everyone has given. I just got here a week too late
It's never too late to start DB'ing. You say the MBR issue will not help, yet you have everyone telling you it will. You know what's stopping you?... Fear. You are so scared that you're gonna piss your WW off that you won't do it. It's like you're scared that she'll want to get a divorce or something. Oh wait... she already does. You've got nothing to lose, man. And plenty to gain. Starting with the respect you deserve. And so what if she leaves? Honestly, you'll be better off. Detaching will become so much easier. Be a man and take back your bedroom. She's got complete control over you and she's loving it. And yes, she will be mad when you do it, because she's not getting everything she wants. And even though it may not seem like it, that's not a bad thing. Her fantasy has to crumble. It's not gonna happen with you baking cakes and feeding them to her. Shut down the bakery and be a man that commands respect. A man only a fool would leave. You can't nice her back, so quit trying. Get your balls back, focus on you, and forget about what she might do. That has to be your first step, or you're gonna be in limbo for a loooooong time...
Bud, mtb is a DBing rockstar. You really need to pay heed here.
I am also detecting some strong Nice guy tendencies here. You may want to pick up the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Here is the thing: You cannot nice her back. Walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around her is not going to turn your sitch around. You have to man up, stand up for yourself, learn to become an alpha male. Women do not fall for the pushover. Remember the good looking girls in high school. They were either dating overly macho jocks, or bad boys. Women are drawn to the guy that has either a little bit of bad side, or that thinks highly of himself. I believe that is one reason we are seeing so many divorces initiated by women today. The ones that thought the nice guy was sweet eventually see these other guys that are wild, or uber confident and think, I am with the wrong guy!
So stop worrying, as others have said, about upsetting her. Angering her. Or rocking the boat. Rock that boat! Just do it in a way that you can't be accused of abuse.
Tonight, move all of your stuff back in to the MBR. At bedtime, go get in the bed. WHen she protests simply say "I like sleeping here. You are welcome to as well, or you can sleep somewhere else." SHe will curse you out, yell, stomp her feet, but in the end she will respect you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I know she is going to push to tell the kids. I feel like we should tell them something as I have been in the spare room for nearly 2 weeks.
What has everyone else done in this sitch? Kids are 10 and 8
I would stop with the "we" things. Tell them yourself if you THINK it is right. This should not be a feeling (impulsive) decision.
Let her tell the kids if she is pushing so hard. You're actually worrying a lot about something that hasn't even happened. Is that worthwhile?
Also, don't move out, detach, don't believe anything she says, and work on your 180s. I know you're having a rough go right now but trust me, it gets better. It gets better faster when you decide it's so.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I have been here on these boards for ten years. I wish I had these guys telling me what to do when I arrived. If I did, I might not be divorced.
I moved out of the MBR. (DBing Mistake #1) I did not reclaim the MBR (DBing Mistake #2) I moved out of the house (DBing Mistake #3)
The one that wants out of the marriage does this. Not the one standing for it.
With that said. It was the best worst thing that I have ever went through. I focused on my personal growth and my role as DAD. I am a much better person having gone through it.
Everything happens for a reason. Every choice you have made has brought you to this point in your life. You have many critical choices to make, and every one of them will effect your future. If you let fear control you, you will make the wrong choices. As a man, you have to face your fears. Accept that she will leave you. Prepare for it. Embrace it. Stand up for your rights as dad. Do not try to control her. Control yourself. Control how you interact with her. You control you. She controls her.
Be a man of little words and much action. Stand on your core values.
I wish you well
PS: Avoid MC like the plague. IC is way more important right now. MC can happen after she comes begging you to take her back.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Lol. Bud you've been here for a month. That's one step in a 26 mile marathon. You don't believe this right now but it is game over when you say it's over.
