Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 7

[DaB35]

Bit of advice needed please:

I've mainly got most of my stuff out of the house now and in storage. My sister's H can borrow a van which saves me a lot of money, so we can use that this weekend to take the furniture etc. This is the last week I own the house.

There are a few bits still in the house where I'm not sure who's taking what.

It really feels like W is stalling dealing with this.

I've drafted this email:

"Hi W

I've left [xyz] for you in kitchen. I have just taken [abc]. In the kitchen there are 2 boxes - this has [W's stuff] in it.
My parents have said you can keep those boxes if you still need them [my parents had bought these plastic boxes for W which were quite pricey as they're sturdy and somewhat heavy duty].
There are also 2 boxes in the shed of [abc - more W's stuff]. 

I will assume that anything else left after Friday is mine. [W is only coming to house Weds to Fri this week].

I can see why it would be sad to divide up the soft toys. Please let me know who else you would like to keep so I know who will not be there on Sunday. 

D"

As previously mentioned above she said it "seems horrid" to divide up the little collection of soft toys. My thought was to validate that sentiment of hers as per above, but then bring her back to reality immediately by saying, 'tell me which ones you're taking' so it hits home to her that it's an unavoidable consequence.

I read on an old thread somewhere yesterday that Ms are "for better" and "for worse". W and I are certainly going through a 'for worse' now. It seems such a shame to write off a M when it's a difficult situation that can be fixed with effort. It is definitely not easier running away from a problem; I have put in the effort to address certain aspects, I can say that.

I'm going up tomorrow (Tuesday) to collect a few final things before using the van on Sunday. It's sad.

Plan to go to the gym tonight to clear my head and make more progress there!

[AnotherStander]

That sounds fine D. Hang tough, once you get through this part of it I think you'll find things going a lot smoother!

[DaB35]

Thanks AS. I'll send that email this evening when I get back from the gym, or might wait to send it tomorrow morning.

I feel I'm not moving on in the full sense that I don't want to be with W or care about anything, but more moving forward - more a sense of addressing issues, tackling them, improving, GALing, etc. - which I think is more positive.

I'm still in the dark about final payments for the house. The solicitors and agents have been awful, totally non-communicative to me. I assume it'll happen this weekend/Monday next week as haven't heard contrary.

In a way I'm glad W has felt the stress of this - she would have put all this on me if we were mutually selling the house to move somewhere else, so it's good she's had to do a lot of the work. I still regret moving my stuff out back in May. I should have refused and stayed put. That would've been a significant 180. Oh well. Right now, I feel better about myself and that's the important bit isn't it?

[AnotherStander]

I feel I'm not moving on in the full sense that I don't want to be with W or care about anything, but more moving forward - more a sense of addressing issues, tackling them, improving, GALing, etc. - which I think is more positive.

Yes that's exactly the right path. "Moving on" will follow later.

I'm still in the dark about final payments for the house. The solicitors and agents have been awful, totally non-communicative to me. I assume it'll happen this weekend/Monday next week as haven't heard contrary.

Sorry to hear that! This kind of stuff is tough to deal with for sure, one of the hassles of breaking up that you don't think about.

[DaB35]

Getting ready to go up again to collect a few more things this afternoon.

Two things that are still on my mind.

1. I have not made any contact with W's family or friends since last May. I've gone 100% dark and not spoken to any of them whatsoever. Is that correct? I do sometimes think (used to be all the time I'd think this) that they think I don't care enough about M or W or R, because I'm not 'fighting' by coming back, begging for forgiveness, etc. I still have not said anything to her parents, her siblings, etc.

I remember that W chastised me for not driving 300 miles to her sister's house to see her when it all started - "Why didn't you come here? Where's your passion?!" she'd angrily ask on the phone. Yet she'd previously asked for space, so I was giving it to her. This right-or-wrong-whatever-you-do situation is so frustrating.

2. When everything is done, do I offer closure of some sort to W? Do I tell her I'm sorry again? Do I give a succinct note saying things like "Sorry I felt I couldn't open up and be vulnerable to you" or "I was too ashamed to talk to anyone about my problems so that made it worse", or "I'm sorry I'd never let you know when I was upset or angry about something and suppress the emotion instead of talking about it" etc.

I intend to still be a lighthouse. Does that mean I just keep DBing without saying anything like that, and just be content in the knowledge that W will get to hear about my changes and possibly even see them?

[DS9]

Hey Dan

I think you're right not making contact with her family or friends, especially since you dont have kids.

Nor do you give XW a note or issue another grovelling apology. You've already done these anyway. I can imagine she'd view that with revulsion "Hey XW, I know I've said sorry many times before, but this time I'm really sorry and just wanted to remind you....".

It's tempting to do, but you must resist, and keep resisting. Have you read the lighthouse analogy post on it's own dedicated thread?

Cheers DS

[DaB35]

Hi DS

OK yes I needed confirmation that what I have been doing was right.

I know where I went wrong, so if she does ever bring up an R talk I know what to say and how to react.

W will be at the house today til Friday clearing her stuff out. When I go there for the last time on Sunday, all her stuff should be gone. She still hasn't replied to my email earlier this week about other items where it's unclear who'll take them.

I am feeling a strange mixture of emotions lately.
Sadness and loss - it's more obvious now. Also frustration at how far things have gone.
Also relief - that I'm not being kept hanging around; I am upset that W basically kept me hanging for over a month last year, giving me extreme ups and downs almost every hour.
Also happiness - at my own improvements, my increase in confidence, and the fact that I feel a bit closer to my family now.
It's all mixed together.

DBing still in force. I won't stop as I'm sure I can reap more rewards from these newly improved and changed behaivours. The lighthouse is in very good order.

[DaB35]

W has just texted - she's at the house clearing her stuff away.

"So I've pulled out the washing machine and it's dead, so need to recycle it at the dump. How would I go about doing that? Would you be able to be there at all if it needed collection?"

Cheeky!

I am going to wait about 30-60mins then respond:

"W, the council may collect it if it's outside. Suggest you call them & check. D."

Or is a response not appropriate at all? She's asking me to do something for her, which I won't do, since she's fired me as H. It's her problem, but how can I politely say "this is what you do, but I'm not helping?"

I suspect I'll get a few more texts like this over the next 48 hours...

[DS9]

I’m half asleep mate so I’ll be brief

Hi XW. I think it’s best if you arrange disposal of the machine yourself. Regards Dan ‘

[DaB35]

Thanks DS - it's 1pm here!

I responded as advised. She hasn't replied. I don't understand why she can't think to call the local authority herself. We've done this before with a bit of old furniture which they collected and gave to charity. Why she needs me to tell her what to do I don't know.

Gym update - up to 62.5kg on abs, 80kg at 3x12 on leg press now, getting above 20kg on shoulder press, 45-50kg on chest press, and faster rowing machine times (usually do 1.5-2k at a time). Most improvement is on bi/triceps, abs second. Haven't been able to do my cycling class for a couple of weeks due to going up to the house and sorting storage out, but I can definitely say all the lifting of stuff in and out of cars has been much easier! Looking forward to yoga on Friday to chill out.