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DaB35 Offline OP
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I hadn't thought of that CW, thanks for pointing that out.

Yes I suppose I could ask "What'll we do about xyz - how about [suggestion]?" and see what she says. It may be that she says "OK, you take this, I'll take that" and we don't have to see each other. It's not essential.

She's like a ghost now.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Just wrote a little email to say

"Hi W

There are few things that we haven't decided on splitting: stuff in the shed, kitchen, cupboards etc. Small things that weren't on the asset list basically. Let me know what you think. I'm coming up on [days] to start packing my things away.
D"

It's all coming to a head now. First time I'm feeling a little scared for ages.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
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DaB35, in some ways your situation has been the most unfair. You didn't get the opportunity many of us did of an angry ex who was connected enough to scream and cry about issues. Where there's anger there's hope. My ex came back and I got to the closure of trying and concluding our issues are irreconcilable.

Originally Posted by DaB35
It's all coming to a head now. First time I'm feeling a little scared for ages.

What outcome scares you?

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DaB35 Offline OP
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Hi CW

It was kind of half and half. When she discovered everything, W ran away to family and friends immediately. Within 24 hours she said D will happen. We didn't see each other for 3 weeks. During that time she'd email or call me. It was not productive. She would shout down the phone at me and swear at me and call me everything under the sun and more. We'd have 2hr long conversations that would not go anywhere.

Unfortunately at that time I was not aware of this site, nor had I started IC. I knew nothing of validating, boundaries, etc. I was panicky and did all the wrong things - pleading, pursuing, etc.

She was pushing me to answer questions on the phone but I couldn't as I hadn't had time to think about how I'd respond to them properly. She screamed and cried. I cried too.

The oddest thing for me still is that in June she softened. We were talking, spending time together, and were even physical together several times during that period. She was then talking about home improvements, "taking baby steps", saying she was very pleased I'd passed the polygraph test I volunteered to take, and we went out for dinner a couple of times too. Then suddenly in July, she stopped talking to me. Ignored me for 3 weeks. I think someone made her act that way - W is quite susceptible to others close to her telling her what to do - but I haven't had a chance to go into detail on that with her. Plus now, I suppose it's a moot point.

The sad thing is once my IC was in full flow, she was not around and had moved to her brother's. She wasn't communicating with me very much except for me to gain access to the house when I needed to. Now I understand better the reasons why I did what I did and didn't do, she's not around so I can't explain it fully to her.

I guess I'm a bit scared of the immediate future. No house, living with parents, having to basically "start again" in my mid 30s. I worked so hard for that house and put most of my life savings into it. The House will no longer be ours by end of the month. I'll get most of what I put in back from the sale, but that's not the point is it - I intended to stay in that house with W for 30 years or so. The upshot of this is that I've had time to 'upgrade' myself mentally and physically, so now I know W is missing out and it's her loss.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Reply from W:

"Hi,

I’m planning on packing up the rest of my stuff next week on [days]. I’ve got a van booked on [day] so I should be totally out by the end of the day. That will leave you the full weekend to move all your stuff out. Is that an ok plan of action? Not sure about all the bits and bobs, I’m planning on taking half the towels and half the bedding. I’m really not bothered about all the little things so if there is anything in particular you want just let me know.
W"

Very impersonal. Frustrating as she hasn't really answered my questions. I was going to respond later today and say something along the lines of:

"W
OK. Can I assume that I am to take everything from [xyz] if you haven't packed it up already, and also am I taking [small list of other things that I assume I will keep as she hasn't mentioned them]? Just need to clarify.
Thanks, D"


Looks like we'll be ships passing in the night to take our belongings, our house will be sold, and then that's it.
I feel sad about it and have a lump in my throat today. She is so distant. I'm going to keep DBing though. All that I've achieved in the last 6 months away from her has been for my benefit.

Last edited by DaB35; 02/12/20 11:56 AM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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One thing I forgot to mention - when I went to the house on Saturday, the way W had packed was so disorganised. She has literally chucked stuff in boxes, not packed them properly. They are all over the house, in no order. It will be very difficult for me to get larger items out the house for example.

It's just going to make things harder for my family when we go up there this weekend to pack my things away. Not sure if she's done it deliberately (I like to think not) or if she's done it in a rush and not finished it (wonder why as she always hated leaving things unfinished).
I will take as much as I can away this weekend, so hopefully will just need a van for one trip to take the furniture. I've ended up with more furniture than her, though W has the lovely task of dismantling our bed (it took 3 hours to put together so I don't envy her).

I can't take everything non-furniture as W still hasn't responded to my questions about other stuff not on the asset list.

Sorted out my storage facility today. 6 months paid upfront meant I got a discount. Glad that's another thing ticked off the list. Also pre-warned some utility companies about cancellations. Tick.

I get the feeling she is being very cold about this as she just wants it done and 'over with'. Throughout this I'm maintaining a pleasant tone on email/text. I have had fleeting thoughts about being passive-aggressive, e.g. "the house sale is almost done, so then you'll have what you wanted." I know that is absolutely not useful, a regression back to NGS which I'm leaving behind, and doesn't help me or her at all. I have used the mental STOP sign thing from DR to combat those thoughts. Before I think I would have just been passive-aggressive like that and not cared, as if to score points. But I want to be above that. Take the high road.

I have worked really hard at not slipping back into old habits, and although I'm dreading the next few weeks I do have other things to look forward to after it (extra creative work, organising storage properly, continuing with gym, family events etc).


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
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DS9 Offline
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Hey Dan

This really is a watershed moment for you isnt it. Stay strong, maintain PMA and keep DBing. Don't lapse, don't falter - keep DBing.

I'd reply with a list of the things you intend taking. Say if you don't hear back with any objections, you'll then take them. Short, to the point and businesslike.

More questions invites more interaction which leads to more emotional pain. Trust me it will be better for you emotionally if you don't meet up at the house. Your time will come when the complete, fully modded very best version of Dan 2.0 is revealed to her.

Her disorganised packing could be reflective of her scattered mind. Don't dwell on the disorganisation of her life.

You may be 2 ships passing, but you're also that lighthouse as well.

Proud of how far youve come mate. Keep going!

Cheers DS


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Thanks DS.

I'm keeping the PMA best I can. I've replied more decisively, like "I'll take [xyz], unless you were thinking of taking [y]."

Yes I wondered that. She can be quite scatty. This is something her other friends (who are by comparison quite dull people) would tease her about. W would then moan to me saying, "I'm always the butt of the joke to them!".
I won't dwell on it, but I was frustrated that she has left partly filled boxes all over the house and given me unnecessary work to manoeuvre around them/move them before I can do anything. Minor in the scheme of things, but still annoying!

She's texted me this morning to say -

"Hiya, was thinking about the garden stuff. Do you and your parents want to take them all including the mower? I just don't think I'll need them, probably gonna be in a flat so won't have a garden, your parents are welcome to it if they want it."

The breezy 'hiya' confused me a little. This happens once every 5-6 texts. Probably nothing in it, but it's a little jarring when I read it. I won't reply, as I've just modified my email to her and added, "Got your text about the garden. [My thoughts]."

I have no intention of stopping DBing. There are times when I think I might lapse into NGS traits but I'm becoming strong enough to resist that more frequently, so those danger periods are becoming fewer and far between. Certainly the whole addiction thing is long, long gone (thanks to excellent IC).

I know there will come a time when she will see the new me. I don't know when that is. It will happen though, whenever that time comes. She will certainly hear about the progress I've made from mutual friends etc. I don't mind them telling W what I've been up to or how I'm doing.

I will still be the lighthouse. I do worry sometimes that in my remaining the lighthouse, she is thinking in the background, "OK he is clearly moving on, he doesn't care about me or us, he's not fighting for M anymore, so I know I'm doing the right thing by D-ing him. Good riddance." I don't know. Of course I can't mind read but it does pop through my head sometimes.

But, I will still be the lighthouse.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Posts: 536
Reply from W this evening:

"Hi,

I went to the house this evening and finished the kitchen packing I needed to get done. So the rest is yours I think. I’m not sure about [x, y, z items], I’ll have to take a look through it next week. I’m off to [sister's] on Saturday and back Tuesday so I’ll take a look at the shed and garage on Wednesday.
Yes take [a, b, c items I assumed I was taking] - that’s fine.
I’ve got a pile of empty boxes in the living room I intend to fill with things next week so please don’t use them, but I have left a large box in the garage for you that looks a good size for one of your TVs.
Not sure about the jellycats, it feels horrid to divide them.

Can you leave the bins out Sunday night? We will need them empty to get rid of more stuff next week.
W"

At least I have a better idea of what to take now.
Interesting that she made a point of using the word "horrid" to split up the soft toys (she calls them 'the soft').

I noticed one of W's friends has unfriended me on FB (she was always usually on the front page of my friends list. I don't really use it much now - mainly to speak to people when I can't be bothered to text on my non-smartphone!

So it looks like W will run to her sister again for three days of neurotic stressing out and me-bashing. More fool them - I'm so far from what they think of me now.

Going to get an early night as I'm going up to the house with my family tomorrow to pack as much of my stuff away over the next 2/3 days.

Last edited by DaB35; 02/13/20 10:40 PM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Posts: 536
Update

Spent two days clearing my stuff out. Got the storage place organised. Quite expensive but we paid up front for 6 months so saved about £200 overall doing that. Worried not everything will fit - furniture, books, paperwork, computer stuff etc. It'll be very tight; I just hope we don't have to shift into a bigger unit, meaning higher cost.

W has gone up to see sister for three days (500 mile round trip; considering we have to have vacated the house by 23rd not sure why she's doing that). She says she'll be out by next Friday.
She still hasn't confirmed what she's taking regarding certain things. I've taken a few things myself as she hasn't mentioned them. It's like she's avoiding talking about certain items in the house with me.

Going back tomorrow to clear the shed. I found our marriage certificate in the garage, folded up and discarded in a pile of redundant paperwork. I've still got my wedding ring on; I only take it off when I go to the gym as it feels uncomfortable under the gloves I wear.

I'm practising validating with a friend; his W has been through a rather traumatic birth, and their baby was very ill over New Year. They're on the mend thankfully - we're talking regularly via FB Messenger and might catch up soon.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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