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DaB35 Offline OP
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Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Week off - time for a little update before I need to start a new thread.

House sale still going on. Lots of things outstanding apparently; the conveyancers the estate agents assigned us are very slow. Was a bit rich then to receive an email from the estate agents advising me that there are still "queries with the buyers solicitors"! I put them straight saying that the conveyancers are very slow to respond and when I do get info it is very limited which means I have to go back to them again.

Boiler was meant to be serviced today. Originally paid for it in September. Company postponed it to November, then suddenly postponed it to today (!). I definitely texted W about it in Nov/Dec time. Unfortunately, now I don't have a smartphone, my phone only stores a few texts and so I can't prove when I sent it. I sent W a text yesterday to remind her.
She replied "Right, I'm out. Can you come up and let them in?"

I thought - 'nope'! No way am I making a two hour round trip to come to the house (during rush hour) to let in an engineer who may not turn up til midday. I can't get time off work that quickly. I just replied:
"No it's too short notice to get time off work. Are you at the house any other set times during the week? I will ask them to reschedule."
Then she responded - "Well I need way more advance notice. I can't stop things at the drop of a hat. I literally don't go to the house anymore. I work in <town> now. Also I don't see why we need the boiler serviced anyway. The house is nearly sold so it makes no difference."

I really didn't want to argue by saying 'well I did text you about it.' I couldn't be bothered to get annoyed by that. So I took a deep breath, and replied:
"We paid for it in September as that's when it was due. They just kept postponing it. Not an issue. I'll ask them to rebook it. I understand that you're busy and finding free time is difficult. Have a good evening."

I know I probably shouldn't have put that last bit. However, I felt I should come across as polite and just upbeat really. Not argumentative.

As an aside, I was able to go online and rebook it to mid-March, by which time the house won't be ours anyway, so no problem. Took literally 30 seconds. Should I text W to simply say "Rebooked it for mid-March so all sorted." ??


Other news - great gym progress.
Feeling very confident.
Lots of people are telling me (and my family) how well I look.
A couple more people have said "her loss!" to me. Have a good PMA and it seems to be sustained rather than intermittent.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
Had a chat with my mum Sunday evening about the situation. She is upset that W has basically cut her, my dad and my sister out of her life. My sister really worked hard at trying to speak to her and offering to help etc. W has just ignored them.

W's mum and my mum had a phone conversation before Xmas. W's mum said "She never tells me anything. She keeps everything to her chest and only talks to her sister about things." She was apparently sorry to my mum that W hadn't spoken to her.

My parents have done lots for W; given her money, bought her tools and things for her business, and really helped us both out at the house. They contributed £10k towards our house deposit too. W's parents have not helped at all with the house. I've mentioned in a much earlier post that W's parents are totally inconsistent with how they show affection to each of their 3 children. My parents are totally fair and equal between myself and my sister; there isn't any question.

Example - W's parents could have easily contributed towards our deposit (they are quite rich), meaning we'd have been paying lower mortgage payments. They didn't. W was always trying to justify this: "Well, they did pay for our wedding, and my dad bought this machine for my business." Yet they gave W's brother £15k towards his house deposit without question, and yet gave nothing to W's sister when she was building her own house.
I just find it a strange dynamic; W seems convinced that her family is very close, yet they really are not. W’s brother never contacts anyone; she has to. She complains that “If I never contacted [brother] we’d never see him.” Sister lives 300 miles away. Parents live 200 miles away.

My mum and I were talking about control. All of W's past boyfriends were rather aggressive, bullish, and they argued a lot. She meets me, and I'm passive, less confrontational. She grew up in quite a loud family environment, and as the youngest of 3, she was always seemingly fighting to be heard. She’s therefore not afraid to speak her mind and wear her heart on her sleeve. The problem was I was too far the other way, and others would comment, “Well you [W] clearly wear the trousers in that relationship.” This annoyed W.

I admit I was way too passive in the R and M. I never argued, in any R I’ve been in. I wanted to, but was afraid of confronting W. She has a lot of issues and self-esteem problems etc., and is always quick to argue her point. I was afraid of upsetting her by telling her she’d upset me, or by telling her I had problems too when hers’ weren’t resolved.


Her sister has also had virtually no control in her early adult life. She met her H at 17, married at 23, and by 30 she had 3 kids. She has followed him around the country with his job, moving further and further north. Their moving around is entirely due to her H changing jobs. She’s been a mum for 7-8 years, not really worked. She felt that she hasn’t achieved much. She ran a very successful confectionery business for a few years – won awards and everything – but gave it up because she was ‘bored’. She badgered her parents to contribute to help her buy a musical instrument that she used to play, and she got it, but never plays it. She doesn’t do anything with it, or tries to make any money from the talent she clearly has. Only her eldest daughter learns it now.

W’s sister’s H is the son of a very rich father. She wants a ‘London’ lifestyle. She wants to be able to swan about in coffee shops, buying fancy designer clothes and looking glamorous etc. etc. There’s a show in the UK called Made In Chelsea – people in the UK will know about it. She wants that lifestyle and presumably feels frustrated that she can’t have that.

As a result, I think this is why W’s sister is constantly telling her what to do. What to wear, eat, where to live, what to buy for her house, etc. This may be guilt on her sister’s part – she was horrible to W when they were younger. W’s sister would fight her and be a bit violent with her, and introduce her to her friends as “her other brother” as W was a tomboy and had shortish hair. Surely that’s contributed to W’s self-esteem issues. She and her sister almost laugh it off now, which just doesn’t seem healthy to me. W’s sister has also said horrible things about W’s brother’s wife too – front of me, W and W’s mum – and nobody in W’s family seems to pick her up on this. Her sister is a very aggressive person; I believe she has an anger problem.

W's parents also married at 18. We married when she was 29. It was a huge issue for her to marry before she turned 30. It was a really important thing for her; she'd bring it up frequently. Perhaps she felt some pressure as a result from her parents/sister marrying at much younger ages than her.

I do feel sad for W. At the same time though, I’m frustrated that she switched off her love for me very quickly. A matter of weeks. After 8 years, she chucked it all away and had no desire to put the work in. Yes I was in the wrong, but she is not perfect either.


My view on this whole thing is that I could have wallowed and been depressed and made myself ill and not got better. I did the total opposite of that. That was my main 180. Sought help with IC, and picked myself up. It’s worked. The fact that so many people are commenting on how happy I look is helping. I'm sad that whenever I felt stressed/upset during the M or R, I never had the courage to tell W about it all.

I want to be in that situation where she turns back, looks at me and sees a very confident, self-sufficient man who has sorted himself out extensively and doing good things with his life.

Long post over. Thanks for getting to the end!

Last edited by DaB35; 01/20/20 10:52 AM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
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Originally Posted by DaB35
She replied "Right, I'm out. Can you come up and let them in?"

I thought - 'nope'! No way am I making a two hour round trip to come to the house (during rush hour) to let in an engineer who may not turn up til midday. I can't get time off work that quickly. I just replied:
"No it's too short notice to get time off work. Are you at the house any other set times during the week? I will ask them to reschedule."
Then she responded - "Well I need way more advance notice.


So she needs advanced notice. But she expects you to drop everything and drive 2 hours one way, LOL! Oh the irony.

Quote
"We paid for it in September as that's when it was due. They just kept postponing it. Not an issue. I'll ask them to rebook it. I understand that you're busy and finding free time is difficult. Have a good evening."

I know I probably shouldn't have put that last bit. However, I felt I should come across as polite and just upbeat really. Not argumentative.


I agree with you about dropping the last two lines. Just stick to business.

Quote
As an aside, I was able to go online and rebook it to mid-March, by which time the house won't be ours anyway, so no problem. Took literally 30 seconds. Should I text W to simply say "Rebooked it for mid-March so all sorted." ??


No, I wouldn't bother. If she asks about it then you can tell her.

Quote
Had a chat with my mum Sunday evening about the situation. She is upset that W has basically cut her, my dad and my sister out of her life. My sister really worked hard at trying to speak to her and offering to help etc. W has just ignored them.


Validate your sister and mom. "It sounds like this is very difficult for you, I am sorry she's treating you this way." This is just a normal part of the fallout of these situations. The WAS hurts a LOT of people, not just their spouse.

Quote
My parents have done lots for W; given her money, bought her tools and things for her business, and really helped us both out at the house. They contributed £10k towards our house deposit too. W's parents have not helped at all with the house. I've mentioned in a much earlier post that W's parents are totally inconsistent with how they show affection to each of their 3 children. My parents are totally fair and equal between myself and my sister; there isn't any question.

Example - W's parents could have easily contributed towards our deposit (they are quite rich), meaning we'd have been paying lower mortgage payments. They didn't.


Good for them! Have you ever read The Millionaire Next Door? It gets into these issues with parents giving money to their kids, who in turn become dependent upon it and develop an entitlement mentality. People don't get rich by giving money away. Offspring need to learn to support themselves.

Quote
W was always trying to justify this: "Well, they did pay for our wedding, and my dad bought this machine for my business." Yet they gave W's brother £15k towards his house deposit without question, and yet gave nothing to W's sister when she was building her own house.


Who cares. That was very generous of them to pay for the wedding and buy the machine. VERY generous. What they give another child is between them and that child.

Quote
I just find it a strange dynamic; W seems convinced that her family is very close, yet they really are not. W’s brother never contacts anyone; she has to. She complains that “If I never contacted [brother] we’d never see him.” Sister lives 300 miles away. Parents live 200 miles away.


You seem to devote a lot of brainpower to contemplating your estranged W's family situation. It doesn't matter, does it? We all have out share of skeletons in the closet.

Quote
All of W's past boyfriends were rather aggressive, bullish, and they argued a lot. She meets me, and I'm passive, less confrontational. She grew up in quite a loud family environment, and as the youngest of 3, she was always seemingly fighting to be heard. She’s therefore not afraid to speak her mind and wear her heart on her sleeve. The problem was I was too far the other way, and others would comment, “Well you [W] clearly wear the trousers in that relationship.” This annoyed W.

I admit I was way too passive in the R and M. I never argued, in any R I’ve been in. I wanted to, but was afraid of confronting W. She has a lot of issues and self-esteem problems etc., and is always quick to argue her point. I was afraid of upsetting her by telling her she’d upset me, or by telling her I had problems too when hers’ weren’t resolved.

Her sister has also had virtually no control in her early adult life. She met her H at 17, married at 23, and by 30 she had 3 kids. She has followed him around the country with his job, moving further and further north. Their moving around is entirely due to her H changing jobs. She’s been a mum for 7-8 years, not really worked. She felt that she hasn’t achieved much. She ran a very successful confectionery business for a few years – won awards and everything – but gave it up because she was ‘bored’. She badgered her parents to contribute to help her buy a musical instrument that she used to play, and she got it, but never plays it. She doesn’t do anything with it, or tries to make any money from the talent she clearly has. Only her eldest daughter learns it now.

W’s sister’s H is the son of a very rich father. She wants a ‘London’ lifestyle. She wants to be able to swan about in coffee shops, buying fancy designer clothes and looking glamorous etc. etc. There’s a show in the UK called Made In Chelsea – people in the UK will know about it. She wants that lifestyle and presumably feels frustrated that she can’t have that.

As a result, I think this is why W’s sister is constantly telling her what to do. What to wear, eat, where to live, what to buy for her house, etc. This may be guilt on her sister’s part – she was horrible to W when they were younger. W’s sister would fight her and be a bit violent with her, and introduce her to her friends as “her other brother” as W was a tomboy and had shortish hair. Surely that’s contributed to W’s self-esteem issues. She and her sister almost laugh it off now, which just doesn’t seem healthy to me. W’s sister has also said horrible things about W’s brother’s wife too – front of me, W and W’s mum – and nobody in W’s family seems to pick her up on this. Her sister is a very aggressive person; I believe she has an anger problem.

W's parents also married at 18. We married when she was 29. It was a huge issue for her to marry before she turned 30. It was a really important thing for her; she'd bring it up frequently. Perhaps she felt some pressure as a result from her parents/sister marrying at much younger ages than her.

I do feel sad for W. At the same time though, I’m frustrated that she switched off her love for me very quickly. A matter of weeks. After 8 years, she chucked it all away and had no desire to put the work in. Yes I was in the wrong, but she is not perfect either.


^^^WHAT IN THE WORLD IS ALL THAT MESS RIGHT THERE????^^^ Let's hear about your GAL and detachment. None of that stuff matters one bit except to your W, and apparently it doesn't bother her any. And even if it does- her circus, her monkeys.

Quote
I want to be in that situation where she turns back, looks at me and sees a very confident, self-sufficient man who has sorted himself out extensively and doing good things with his life.


Yes exactly!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Thanks AS

On re-reading it, I realise how that looked! My sister and I are definitely not the kind of kids who sit about expecting money from parents to get by. They only give it if and when required for serious situations, and it's only after a lot of discussion, plus 99% of the time we pay them back anyway unless they've specifically said it's a gift (those cases are very infrequent). It's more about how W would point out the disparity of her parents and her family, and I saw that too, but then she would choose to not do anything about it. I agree it doesn't matter, and I shouldn't devote too much brain power to it anymore.

You're right it is quite a mess! I was journaling - just to get it out of me.

The GALing is continuing. I went to the gym every day for the second week in a row, 45-60mins each time. I feel more confident and happy with myself when I look in the mirror.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
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Originally Posted by DaB35
The GALing is continuing. I went to the gym every day for the second week in a row, 45-60mins each time. I feel more confident and happy with myself when I look in the mirror.


Awesome!! That's the beauty of getting in shape, it makes you feel better about yourself, and that actually pays more dividends than just trying to look better to others smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Agreed. Very valuable thing to do. I look forward to going now!

I feel like I am AMOAFWL now. There are many things I've changed about myself and I have worked hard at all this. It's worked and that's made it easier for me to continue doing it.

There will be a time soon when we need to meet at the house to clear stuff and decide final bits like who gets what from the kitchen, shed, etc. (in other words, lots of minor items that weren't worth putting on the finance order). Probably soon. I know that I will be confident and positive when it happens. Previously I was worrying about how I might come across, but now I think I'm going to just do it and be content.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Had a good chat up with a close friend (also divorced). Had a long talk about his plans to become self-employed and moeny and things. He asked how I was and I updated him on things. Didn't go into huge amount of detail but mentioned what I've been up to with the gym and work mainly.

He said W 'hates me'. I didn't really dwell on that. I did talk about how I felt obliged to be perfect and always do what I could to please her, even if it made me unhappy. He said he could relate to that. His new GF is very chilled by comparison and he can talk to her about anything, and he says he "knew what I didn't want, and that really helps us get along."

He said W is "all over the place" and that "she really needs therapy." Interesting.

I had a big email from a L when I got in just now - about the finance order. 8 attachments! Cannot be bothered to look through them tonight. I'll do it tomorrow. W has to do more than me as she started the divorce. She REALLY hates filling in forms, so it'll be nice to pass it on to her when I just have to put my signature in a few places and that's it!


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
D
DaB35 Offline OP
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Posts: 536
Had a text from W today.

"Hi I've had a call from L, apparently she's been trying to contact you to get <small personal questions re house sale> answered. Can you make sure you call them in your lunch break today please, it literally takes only 5 mins, I did it weeks ago!! Also they haven't been contacted by <housing company> yet and you they need you to instruct them that <Ls> are working for us and they need to send the paperwork over to them! Make sure you call them ASAP please. I know your* at work but you can spare 10 mins over lunch I'm sure."

*She never knew the difference between you're and your correctly! It's like Ross and Rachel in Friends - "Y-O-U-R means your!"

Couple of things:
- I sent the details over to the housing company at the end of December. I haven't been chased for it from the Ls since. I CCd W in that email. She's clearly forgotten.
- I've been calling the Ls for weeks but never get through when I do ring them, or if I do the one I need to speak to is not available. I can't be on hold and when I've left a message they always call me back when I can't answer.

I called them at lunch. Yes it did take 5 minutes. So that's done.

I've also forwarded my email again to the housing people.

How do I respond to W? Her tone was a bit annoyed as you can see. I'm sure she is probably bad-mouthing me to all and sundry who'll listen to her. Anyway, how do I respond?

How about -
"Hi W, details were sent to <housing company> on <date in December>. I CC-d you in on that. I've reminded them again and left a message."

I was not going to mention that I've done the small questions from the L.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
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D,

I will simply say. "In response to your email, all actions are completed". No need to say more than that.

Joejoe


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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