I got the BD on November 4th 2019 about 2 months ago. My W had had an affair with a man at work. We both work there and he was a friend of ours. He has been to my house played video games with my son and me. He has house sat for us as well. Of course during these last 2 months I’ve made all the wrong moves. I’ve begged her to stay, I’ve pressured her I’ve moped around the house and spied on her and got caught snooping in her email and phone and following her gps. I have been doing all the household chores which she complained I never helped with and I have been doing all the schoolwork with our 8 year old son. I have been making her coffee every morning and making the lunches. Basically all the doormat behavior I shouldn’t have been doing. She told me she ended things with him but 2 days ago I found text messages to him expressing their love for each other. I am not sure what my next move should be. Our living situation is complicated. She only works part time and we live in a house that is owned by my parents. She can’t afford to move out on her own. She has agreed not to talk to him outside of work while she is living with me but I know I can’t trust her. I have not told my parents or our boss. I think those things might prevent any future reconciliation. I am trying to get a life and focus on myself but it is more difficult than I thought. Her best friend tells me to move on that she is planning on dating this guy as soon as she moves out. I never thought I would be in this position. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
___________________________
Me-65, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It would help if we new ages, how long together and I kids ages. My inclination is to tell her to get out since she doesn't own the house and let her sink or swim on her own. Most affairs fizzle out within a year and then see if she wants to work on the marriage. Either way you need to take the focus off her and concentrate on your children and self improvement.
I’d tell her to get out. Like LH said you can always reconcile later once she realizes the grass isn’t greener. Also please protect yourself financially. Go see an attorney just for a consultation. In my state infidelity (there aren’t that many) means little of no alimony. Focus on you and your son. Be there for him he needs you right now. I’m so sorry you are here.
Thank you for your reply. It is harder than I could have ever imagined to take my focus off of her. I know this is what I must do but it’s like I can’t control my brain sometimes. Hopefully this forum will help me. I am reading Michelle’s DB book.
She will still be living at home for at least 3 more months. She will be starting a new Job in mid February how should I treat her in the mean time? How much should we handle things with our 8 yr old son? Should we tell him what is going on?
The kids should not feel any lack of love from the both of you. Be adults, and do not use the kid against each other. Communication is key here. You both need to come clean. A woman doesnt just go out and cheat on a whim, for the most part. She wasnt getting emotional support from you and he gave it, then it crossed the line and became more. Is it fixable, yes. But it takes both of you committing to each other and get help from counselors for both, and Individual if possible.
you say some things with a fair degree of certainty. Nothing is certain anymore.
I'd believe what your W's friend told you and act accordingly.
Detach. Don't let her words or actions affect you.
Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does.
Cut out the doormat behavior.
Do not tell an 8 year old that mom is having an affair.
Prolly no reason to tell your boss either unless some crazy stuff happens.
I can't believe she's living in your parent's house and cheating on you with your supposed "friend". If you aren't morally opposed to divorce then kick her out and move on with life.
Make yourself scarce around the house. Do not initiate conversations with her. Do not tell her "how you feel". Just go do your own thing.
Last edited by ovrrnbw; 01/19/2006:05 AM.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I really want to avoid a divorce. We aren’t living in my parents house per se. it is a house my parents bought for us and it is in a family trust and it will be ours after they pass. I’m not sure of the law with kicking your wife out of her residence in California. I am very opposed to divorce. I came from divorced parents and it has had lifelong negative effects on me. I know that it is not just her fault this is happening. I played my part. I was neglectful of our relationship and didn’t make her feel loved. We had a business together and out most of the responsibility on her shoulders. She has a lot of built up resentment that I have owned up to. All this does not excuse her infidelity though. I think that she needs to move out to see what a single life is like. She says she has never felt independent in her life. We got together when she was 18. She never had an adult single life and I think part of her wants to see what that is like. I actually have no idea what is really going on in her head. We have a beautiful home and a wonderful child. She says she wants her independence and her freedom. She says she feels like I have controlled our entire lives. I don’t see it that way. I feel like I have always tried to get us to a consensus on all of our life decisions where she thinks they have all been my decisions. She is upset that after 17 years of marriage that she has to leave with nothing and I have the nice house and a secure life financially and she has to start over with nothing. I think she gets what she deserves for her behavior.
I am trying to detach but it is much harder than I ever thought it would be. I always thought if she cheated on me I would be done and over with it, but I still love her and don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to lose my family. I’m trying to let her go and follow Sanid2’s rules. She has been kind to me during most of this. She says she wants to be friends but I don’t want her left overs. I don’t want to keep making things worse. We just got back from a Hawaiian vacation with my family and I fear it will be the last I take with my family which makes me sad. I know I should be showing her tough love but I’m not sure what that looks like. I know I should take myself away from her but I struggle with how to do that and not come off as cruel or cold. I was emotionally absent from much of our relationship and that’s what got us here. So I’m torn as to what I should be doing. I don’t want her to say see this why I want to leave you. I told her I was going to make changes and be a better husband and she said she would be watching. But I think she is closed off to seeing anything I’m doing while the OM is in her heart. Anyway that is a lot of rambling. I’ll just leave it there.
How should I be proceeding and how do I begin to detach.
