MLCers tend to exhibit different personality traits while in crisis. The question is...did you see any of these traits pre-crisis? If so, then the crisis will exacerbate them i.e., make them worse. You have to remember that the crisis is an emotional journey for them as they were stunted emotionally at a young age by an authority figure, i.e., mother father, teacher, coach, etc. Now, they have to go back to that time and make peace w/what happened to them and come to realize that it was not their fault and once they have done so, they should begin to slowly grow up.
Continue to post and also visit the Resources Thread at the top of the forum. There are some interesting threads there that might provide additional info. Also, visit the other threads as well as each and every poster has a similar, but yet different, situation and the advice/guidance is worth its weight in gold.
Thanks job. I did notice some traits prior like he was always a little selfish but not as bad once we had the kids but that is a lot worse now...I notice a lot of words he uses now that he never would have before. How can they only be like this to us and not others though? Like for example how can they monster and rage at us but be normal even happy and great to OM/OW? Itís like they wear a mask to the outside world. I have been reading and exercising and keeping myself busy and sometimes I have to go no contact or distance myself bc I feel the push and pull and the drama. Iím so glad to have found all the information and this board with others experiencing the same thing. I thought I was going crazy in the beginning lol. It has gotten easier but I still make mistakes and have to regroup and center myself. I ask about the disorders bc I notice things in my son especially since BD like maybe narcissism or bipolar traits so I was just wondering about that. Again thanks for the support and suggestions.
They wear masks around others. Right now, if your h is in MLC, to him you are the enemy. You, your relationship and your marriage are the reasons that he thinks he is unhappy. It is very tiring to wear masks all of the time and they do tend to drop them around us. They can flip their attitude on a dime and give you 9 cents change. One minute they are very angry and it may not even be at us, but at something that just happened. If they are like that when attempting to speak to them, change the subject and you'll see a difference in his behavior.
Of course, you are going to make mistakes. You are very new to this and yes, you will think you are going crazy because of his behavior and what comes out of his mouth. They love to lie, spend money and gaslight us whenever they can.
If you think your son has some of those traits, keep an eye on him and speak to a professional about it. Your h is acting like a teenager. Teens can be very selfish, self-centered and while in MLC, their song is "me, me and me".
Try to remember, this journey is all about him and you weren't invited to travel on that journey. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him...he has to do that for himself.
Yes, I apologize that wasnít very clear. Yes we have a baby born between BD and the divorce being finalized. That was the cake eating I referred to that still he continues to try even now that OW2 is in the picture. I did read about the cake eating and wised up after baby. Iím still not very clear on it from that aspect it really doesnít make sense much to me but after reading from on other sites about the cake eating behaviors, I have since applied boundaries for myself regarding that.
Last edited by job; 01/21/2002:13 PM. Reason: removed references to other sites that are not DB