Separated and facing divorce (Part 3)

[firemann]

My daughter is 15.

About 7 months ago, I got paged to come back into work while on the way home. I had about 10 people running around trying to figure out why a testing environment wasn't coming online at work. I work in Information Tech during the day. What I stated was that I had an off-situation at work and that I admitted I didn't handle it well. They ended up walking across the street to their mom's when the incident happened.

I have them Thurs-Sunday this week and my intent is to make them my sole focus. I should have made them my sole focus 7 years ago.

My daughter bottled up her emotions the past 7 months, and last night, she actually spoke her mind. I was really proud she did that!

I try to spend as much time as she will let me, which often is taking her places or friend's houses. I still get about 10 minutes of car time with her, which is better then nothing!

I'm not going on dates. I do think trust needs to be rebuilt, but man, these kids have not been around at all the past few months. I brought that up to D15 last night too - it's hard to see changes in people if you are never around to see them.

I try to call/text daily. I am all ears on ideas to win their trust back.

[Ready2Change]

I am all ears on ideas to win their trust back.

Make your house the place for the friends to hang out. We would have fondue nights, make your own pasta nights etc
Listen and validate your kids.
Reward responsible behavior.
Restrict privileges for irresponsible behavior.
Set reasonable limits. The kids will test them. Enforce them. Tougher when the parents are divorced. Even tougher when the parents do not co-parent. I am a little less strict than I would be if I had a united front with my X.

[DonH]

I’m on your side here fireman I really am but, what are we supposed to believe from day to day - just based on your own words and writing.

February 15

So, last night I went out with someone who was a train wreck from one of the online sites. Within 10 minutes of meeting her, she was asking about how many others I was talking to and reiterating that "she will be second to no one". She then tried kissing me. 10 MINUTES. Good lord.

February 18

I'm not going on dates.

So which is it? What are we supposed to believe? And don’t think for a minute your teenagers and your W have not firgured this out and see your behavior. They are smarter than you think they are. At least teenagers are. They don’t miss much. Your actions are not matching your words.

I am all ears on ideas to win their trust back.

It takes time. They need to see a new pattern of behavior from you. Talk is cheap. Don’t even bother trying to tell them how you have changed - instead show them. And not for a few weeks or even a few months. It takes time - a lot if time. Eventually what you used to do, like going out with these train wreck OLD women, and them claiming you don’t date, that will become the old you, the you they remember from years ago. The current you will be putting them first and making good, sound decisions. They will eventually see it but you have to keep at it for months.

[firemann]

Meeting with the L today to go over my interrogatory responses.

I ended up re-listening to the audio recording of when I confronted my WAS about the OM about a year ago. The amount of gaslighting in the conversation is just amazing. Went from outright initial denial, to stating the OM was a figment of her imagination used by her to create adult stories while txting an ex boyfriend, to admitting he does exist and that she actually saw the OM's "junk" but nothing happened,to telling me how I should feel and not be upset.

I feel some of the damage that day has returned. I recalled just absolutely not knowing which way was up whenever I spoke to my WAS in that moment. I feel agry all over again, like I want to meet this POS OM that was OK with tangling with a married woman of 16 years with 2 kids.

I like the idea of making my house kid-friend-friendly! I am looking on Craigslist for some comfy second hand furniture to replace the stuff my WAS is taking when she leaves the neighborhood. I am really excited to see my kids this weekend.

[firemann]

More journaling from my bed at the station, current time 3:25am

For some reason - I’m starting to have these mini panic attacks.tjat she’s leaving.

My abandonment issues from my childhood have been triggered.

On on side:
She’s leaving. She’s no longer going to be across the street to wave chat when im walking the dog. My kids are going to be further away from me. I can’t believe this is how it will end. I have some guilt that I dated people, but, wow, does it get lonely being by yourself in a big house in familyville.

On the other:
I no longer feel watched by this constant negative pressure across the street. I need to make the house I live in my own and a comfortable place for my kids. I will actually get to be with my kids even more, if this custody agreement works. I want to tell her to wake up, but that would be unhealthy and controlling. I need to let her go, GAL and let her feel the loss. I need to truly enjoy my kids like never before.

[Traveler]

wow, does it get lonely being by yourself in a big house in familyville.

Yes, it does. I'm slowly learning to enjoy my own company again. What are you doing to pass the time? I went to a bar solo last night for one pint, a local place whose beer my ex didn't enjoy but I did. Never gone to a bar solo except when traveling. It was okay. It beat having a can at home.

I will actually get to be with my kids even more, if this custody agreement works

The agreement does sound good. How soon does it begin? Any plans for the meantime?

[IHCLACS]

Sounds cool CWarrior. I went out for a Pizza a really good beer, and some Karaoke (To no avail.) by myself on V day. Felt good to he out of the house after bring on for 4 months. Ahh the simple things. Being alone never stops me from doing what so want to do just because I have so few friends who have lives. (Working on restoring my relationships again.)

[Ready2Change]

My abandonment issues from my childhood have been triggered.

I am glad you realize this. I am not a therapist, but I have read enough to tell you to learn to be comfortable alone. This whole process is to help you address and resolve childhood issues that got you into this mess in the first place. Same with your spouse. She has her own issues to deal with. You are the lucky on that has a whole group of people supporting you and guiding you down a better path. You spouse is not so lucky. Sometime in the future, she may come back to you and you can guide her as well. That is why you need to be extremely patient and find your internal happiness alone.

[firemann]

Kids come over tonight, CWarrior!

R2C, I’m working on being better alone. I think I just have an adjustment the next 2 weeks once she moves. One of the guys at the fire station said, I bet you’ll enjoy working in your front yard again not worrying about her being across the street.

I am finding I am a lot more at ease talking to strangers, making small talk and asking them questions.





Passing the time - working at the station, reading self help books and I signed up more to pick up my kids.

[AnotherStander]

Did you say a while back you do Crossfit? Lots of the local firemen work out in my box. Dudes are FIT AS H3LL too They do those national competitions where you pull the fire hose and climb stairs with a dummy and stuff in full gear. Combat Challenge I think it's called. They've qualified for the world finals 9 or 10 years in a row.