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wooba Offline OP
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Oceangrl- thank you. We have to be strong!

Cardinal- for me it was after speaking to Ls and when H had the episode of talking of D in front of our kids. My fear was mostly financial because I’m a sahm. Also coming to terms with H is very much acting like he is mentally ill sometimes helps with my acceptance of D also...

It sure is more happening here than MLC ha! But I enjoy reading there very much.


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H came home this morning to make breakfast, then he was in the mood to chitchat so we sat around and talked a bit, even watched some TV together. It makes my heart ache a little bit when we're having nice moments like these. Because I know it's fleeting. I enjoyed all the familiarity about him, but do I still love this man the way I did? I don't even know how to answer that.

I sat with him until the kids came to the living room to watch TV too. I was getting slightly annoyed that we're spending a beautiful Saturday morning in front of the TV for longer than I cared for. So I went inside the bedroom to get ready, I decided that I'm going to take the kids out. He didn't want to join us like I guessed, so the kids and I did our own thing for the rest of the day.

I had a great day with the kids.

For the past few weeks I've been wanting to ask them about how they're feeling about all of this, whether they have any more questions etc but I wasn't sure whether I should keep prying about their feelings when they seem ok. I was afraid that I'd make matter worse.

But at dinner, I decided to talk to them about daddy. It was really hard to not say too much and keep things simple. I said, daddy loves you guys very much, but he hasn't been around because he is not very happy with his life, and when he's unhappy and he's around us, the unhappiness spills over onto us, and he doesn't want that. That's why he needs some space to figure things out for himself. S2 said that he's worried that we will break up. I said it's actually pretty normal that people break up. He said, "I don't think it's that normal." which I laughed, and I told him it's more common than you think. I told him it's okay to worry, but no matter what happens I will always be here for you. S1 said, "can we talk about something else that's happier?" I said of course, but we shouldn't avoid talking about something just because it's sad. I felt that it's important for me to talk to you guys about it because I want you guys to be okay. He said, "I know, I know..."

gosh I love my boys. I just want them to be okay. to not grow up and have this phase of their life be their "childhood trauma." to not be a father who is "always working". to be able to love and treat people with decency.

H is running still. currently running away from his issues using work. must be hard to use something you hate so much to run away from your problems.

some time last week we had a friendly conversation and I was able to slip this in as a joke, "Are you having a mid life crisis?"

H replied with a laugh, "You think?"

We both laughed.


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Hi Wooba,

I read your thread and have some questions. Is there a link to your previous threads or were you not wanting to do that? I am wondering the extent of his alcoholism and how many years, his willingness to acknowledge it and get help for it, ie does he have a desire to live a sober life, and also if you have ever participated in any codependency support? I am wondering how much of your M issues are related to his alcoholism and inability to cope with things because his drinking/numbing himself instead. I have a friend that recently split with her alcoholic H and I have some thoughts on your sitch. Sorry for so many questions!

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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wooba Offline OP
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Hey Blu,

I asked job to delete the previous thread because I thought H may have caught a glance at this website.

He’s been a drinker since I met him. I was young and did not recognize the signs. He operates fine daily but had admitted to me that he’s using alcohol to numb his mind. I think he has a desire to not drink so much, because he used to prioritize his workouts and obviously alcohol interferes with that. So he would make comments currently about “trying to get back to the gym” etc but hasn’t followed through. I think either he is getting older and the alcohol is affecting him more now than before, or that he’s drinking more in the last few years. He refused to get help/does not think he needs help. And I’m not in al-anon.

So yes, drinking is a big catalyst to the end of our M. But bundled with that is his demons that he’s running away from by using alcohol.

Thank you for taking the time to read through my thread!


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Originally Posted by wooba
H came home this morning to make breakfast, then he was in the mood to chitchat so we sat around and talked a bit, even watched some TV together. It makes my heart ache a little bit when we're having nice moments like these. Because I know it's fleeting. I enjoyed all the familiarity about him, but do I still love this man the way I did? I don't even know how to answer that.

Hugs, wooba.I felt the same way over the fleeting moments I shared with H this weekend. I was re-reading some of BluWave's first thread the other day, and I have all of those feelings about never in a million years thinking my H would do something like this, and now that I know he's capable of it... well, I don't think I could ever love him in the exact same way as before. I do think the love could be different, though. I go back to... do we even have to know how to answer that now?

That convo you had with your kids... oh, my heart aches there too. But most of all I think it shows that you're a strong, dependable, loving presence in their lives. They must feel that too.

Originally Posted by wooba

some time last week we had a friendly conversation and I was able to slip this in as a joke, "Are you having a mid life crisis?"

H replied with a laugh, "You think?"

We both laughed.



How terrible, but still somehow... funny. I was just asking a friend if there is a laughing-while-crying emoji.


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When I first read this post this past weekend I cried, so I had to let it sit for a bit. The worst part of this is I see both my H and my exH in this.

Originally Posted by wooba
H came home this morning to make breakfast, then he was in the mood to chitchat so we sat around and talked a bit, even watched some TV together. It makes my heart ache a little bit when we're having nice moments like these. Because I know it's fleeting. I enjoyed all the familiarity about him, but do I still love this man the way I did? I don't even know how to answer that.


This part is my exH to a T. When he can get his sh*t together long enough to participate in our kid's life and he's sober and wants to behave like an adult I have a quick moment where I wonder how things would've been if he had gotten the help he needed. The feelings are so gone, and have been for so long that it isn't really love there. It's almost like nostalgia. And then my heart hurts for my kid for a second until I remember her sweet little 5 year old face asking me to leave him. Or exH ruins it by opening his mouth.

Originally Posted by wooba
H is running still. currently running away from his issues using work. must be hard to use something you hate so much to run away from your problems.

some time last week we had a friendly conversation and I was able to slip this in as a joke, "Are you having a mid life crisis?"

H replied with a laugh, "You think?"

We both laughed.


This is my H. And I'm starting wonder why I attract broken people. Why all of us attracted broken people.

Stay strong wooba. This won't traumatize the kids they way you think it will. And for some strange reason they seem to adapt really well to one parent carrying the load. I'm going to hazard a guess that in most cases in their world very little changes other than there are two homes and two Christmases. You got this my friend.

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I don’t think we attract broken people. I think there are more broken people than we know. We all learn to hide our wounds and scars well enough only those who are closest to us can see them.

Yesterday was tough. H came home looking distraught so I knew it would be one of those nights. Started “dumping” on me again...about work and his ongoing fight with his mother. He got agitated talking about his mom and shouted out something and scared our S3 who was doing hw right next to him. S3 started crying, and H immediately apologized but told S3 to stop crying and focus on his hw. Just..wtf. Telling a scared, crying child to do his hw?? I walked S3 to his bedroom and asked S1 to sit with his little brother for a bit.

I wanted to ask H to leave. He was emotional unstable, and it was bleeding all over us again. But I also knew he needed to talk. He made suicidal comments. He was upset about his mother. He was a mess. I just listened. I interrupted him a few times on purpose to break his streak of venting by either checking on the children or using the bathroom (yes, I’ve resorted to using potty breaks to get away lol).

and of course, now it’s a pattern that when he has a bad day, he brings up D. Same old playbook, the only difference this time is that he did not accuse me that I want to find another man!! And this time I did not explicitly said that I do not want to D, nor did I say I’m standing for the M. Because honestly, I am heading that direction of thinking that this is near the end of us. After he did all the talking he asked me, “must we do this?” I said, do what, divorce? I laughed and asked him, I don’t know, must we?

In the end I excused myself saying that it’s getting late and I really need to prep the kids’ lunches for tomorrow.

I talked to the kids this morning about last night also. Mostly to reassure them that I am okay, and we are okay. Daddy wasn’t yelling at me. Gave them a long hug and told them that I love them. I know they were worried. And I could sense that they felt better after our conversation. I’m glad they still have me and my parents who undoubtedly add so much more stability and love to their lives.


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I’ve been busying GALing. I’m hitting the gym almost everyday. I’ve lost some weight after BD but I’d like to trim a bit more. The eating right part is the most difficult for me...I love to snack!!! I’m also trying not to spend too much time here, sometimes it brings me down a bit reading people’s sitches. It is not right that there are so many of us here.

H hasn’t come home in a few days. NC today. I worry about him. I hope he is alive. Then I think about if we do divorce, this is what it will be like...and I can’t be constantly worrying about him like this. I called him yesterday to check up on him (to see if he’s been going to work since he didn’t return to get his work clothes), he said he was sick so he didn’t go into work for two days. Then my minds started to wander off into thinking things like is his depression so severe that he can’t even go to work now? Am I prepared if there is no income from him? Is he going to commit suicide? Does he have the Coronavirus?....I try to not dwell in that space for more than 10 seconds.

I wrote out our finances yesterday. Biggest things would be 401K and the house. Last time H pondered openly about what we would do about his life insurance policy if we D. I don’t like dealing with the logistics. I wish D was simpler. I don’t even know how a foreign divorce would translate back to the US.

I’d like to think I’m doing well on detachment. I feel like I have been more present with the kids now that my mind is not always inundated with thoughts about the state of our M. I like this. Parenting on my own terms, no H yelling in the background messing with our zen.

Talked to a friend the other day who’s also separated from her H. She said that we are too capable and strong, and with that our husbands felt it was okay for them to bounce. Because we are there to pick up the pieces, we are there to take care of the children. If we were feeble, unintelligent women, our Hs would not leave because the risk of having no one reliable taking care of the kids was too great.

Thoughts?


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I'm glad to hear about the GALing. That's honestly the best part of all this mess. We're just all a bunch of fit, hobbie happy, jolly idiots...lol.

You may want to contact an attorney state side to see if they can give you some clues as to how the divorce would translate. Marriage and dissolution of marriage laws get sticky from one country to another.

Honestly you sound like you've BEEN doing pretty great on detachment for what that's worth.

Lastly, I had some one bring that stong woman thing up to me. But I just listened to and Esther Perel pod case with a couple on the brink and the woman was very A type pre-kids. But when the kids came H had this very like weird man of the house awakening and he kept taking over more and more and kept not letting her do more or anything to help. Then resented her for being weak and making him do everything. I honestly don't know that it matters what the LBS is like. I think if you're an A type LBS they KNOW you're going to pick up the slack, but if you're a B type LBS they expect you to pick up the slack because you have to. Like all of this I think it's really more about the WAS/WS.

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My H (before he ended the A) told his mom that he thought I was strong and could handle this whereas he didn't know if AP could handle losing him. (She told me this.) VOMIT. Honestly, it is all stupid excuses they make up in their puny, confused minds. If it makes them feel better to think you're strong and can handle it, then that is the path they will take. I know of another WH who told his W the opposite, that she had no drive or ambition, he needed someone more his intellectual equal who would stand up to him. (Oh, and maybe it would help if she dressed a bit nicer around the house.)

Let's not make excuses for them. Yes, we are all strong, capable women. We don't need these men in our lives to raise successful children and be happy and make a positive difference in this world. We may *want* them, or want a version of them that isn't showing up right now, but we don't *need* them. And it truly doesn't matter how they justify their actions right now, in my view. Once (if) they come out of this fog, they'll have the opportunity to really better understand why they made the choices that they did and how they want to live their lives going forward. But for now, it is all just weak excuses. (That is what I think, anyway!!!) Tell your friend she's a bad-a$$ and her H is a $hit. Just like the rest of our clowns.

I'll add to Wayfarer-- you sound great. Keep up the good work!

Last edited by may22; 03/04/20 06:41 PM.

Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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