Let’s say you’re right and she’s confused. Don’t you think if she was confused she would lean towards doing the right thing and working on the marriage?
Yes it’s like she gets a 6 month free pass to get out on the market to see what’s available and if it doesn’t go well she come to you and says ok trial separation over.
Hypergamy and only being as good as their options. Pay attention to their actions. But don't let them consume you. You keep the focus on you. The better you. The I want to change and be a man drive, authenticity, and action you. They make rules for betas and break them for alphas. Give them the space. You are the prize.
Also , there's no way of me really addressing any of those concerns with her directly.
We are due to come to therapy session on Thursday with our thoughts on trial seperation and tbh I have many questions and concerns and dont know how or whether to raise them.
At the same time this is all very different from the hostility and abuse narrative of 2 months ago, then the getting closer over Xmas, then intimacy of new years eve , followed by declaration of no intimacy and strong boundaries and now idea of a 6 month trial seperation.
I guess one of my questions/ points needs to be what happens if one of these "rules" of the seperation are broken.
Rules are for "plan b" You be the PLAN A. You make your own rules on what works for YOU. I'm not saying blatantly violate her rules, or be spiteful, but do you think she's going to respect you with you following her rules towing you around by the nose? Do that, and you are guaranteed to have a power struggle. Just be indifferent to them. YOUR RULES. YOU LEAD THE RELATIONSHIP AT ALL TIMES OR NOT AT ALL at either of your discretion.
Thanks again guys. Literally no other choice for me than to take the time and use it constructively on myself.
The other way, my instinctive way ( which is screaming at me) will destroy the relationship forever and push her away.
I really appreciate the support here.
It's the hardest thing I've ever faced, I miss her daily, I want to fix it, i want to show her change. But none of that helps. I see her struggle and want to help, I know it's no longer my role.
I'll be the lighthouse as best I can, I'll shut my mouth more often ( lol) I'll try and knuckle down on myself and will keep posting.
The fastest (or the slowest way in my case) to change is to put all focus on yourself, whether introspectively or external GAL. My belief is the reason why a lot of us are here is because of change in our relationships.. Whether it be massive change or lack of change for or from the other partner. You see? At one point we were enough for them. Or they were enough for themselves. Then life and reality crept in. That was no fun anymore. Resentment sets in and builds and builds for years. Could be anything. Childhood trauma. Lack of listening or validation or empathy. Growth that is not parallel to the other partner. MLC. Personality disorders. Lack of love attention or respect. My favorite one I hear here a lot. Emotional abuse. Passive aggressiveness. Boredom. Non momogamy. Life purpose and direction change. Attraction. Bad habits. NPD/BPD. Emotional stuntedness. Failed expectations. Boundaries not established respected or violated. Take your pick. There are a million reasons why you are or could get the "I'm not happy!" Lets separate I want a divorce routine. None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. Introspect on them. Journal them. Learn from them and work on them. Discard what doesn't WORK FOR YOU. Keep what does. Build on what you want to do and change. Accept what is. Let them go. You didn't break them and you can't fix them. It is not your responsibility to make another person happy. It is your responsibility to make your self happy and whole. That's their obligation not yours. Give them space. Fight the attachment and co dependency within your self. DO FOR YOU! Be the rock. That is attractive naturally without trying or manipulating an outcome or another person. You need to grow and now is the perfect time to do it. Leave the wishy washy to the wishy washy.
Thanks IHCLACS Trying to make this switch, stop reacting to her rollercoaster, it's backwards and forwards for me right now, with work and the kids and my own emotional issues/ yearning it's day by day.
But need to actually plan more for myself, short term and long term goals. My major cheeseless tunnel right now is seeking some reassurance or glimmer of hope from W. Seeking breadcrumbs right now.
Going back on myself, but just adding what may be a pertinent point. On Sunday the tabs open on family computer where multiple searches on can you get back together after a seperation. This was night before she suggested trial seperation. She's all over the place right now, I know she is going through stacks of turmoil with the trauma recovery on top. Thinking more and more there are signs of MLC.
She speaks more and more about who she was and who she wants to be in the future.
Don't know why I'm adding this, just another sign of my reactivity and where my focus is.
Thanks IHCLACS Trying to make this switch, stop reacting to her rollercoaster, it's backwards and forwards for me right now, with work and the kids and my own emotional issues/ yearning it's day by day.
But need to actually plan more for myself, short term and long term goals. My major cheeseless tunnel right now is seeking some reassurance or glimmer of hope from W. Seeking breadcrumbs right now.
I know I hear ya bud. I really do. Especially the internal reactions to their actions. My mom, my confidant and best friend just died Sun. XW wants to discuss custody schedule for this weekend for a wedding she is involved in the bridal party with that she is keeping a secret about. She had bachelorette party two weekends ago. The person/friend getting married I always found to be a bad influence. Nice girl, but bad influence. Given the red flags I saw last year in Jan/Feb from XW when bridal party started up and rings came off. Even though I'm mind reading. Id say it's safe to say she will be sleeping or hooking up with someone this weekend. Does the thought of it bother me? Only for a moment. I let it wash over me. I've lost my house, my family, my W. My water pump blew this week putting me further out of work and $. (I'm hourly) Lost work over last 3 months due to weather, S2 being sick or mom being sick. Lost my support system. (Love my brothers but don't care for any of their lifestyles that is repulsive to me. They never change or grow.) Have to deal with my Mom's house which is right out of an episode of hoarders. The estate. The will, the arrangements. Im completely alone in my apartment and actually loving it just purely for the introspection. Want to go out but can't afford to. Have mediation this month which will most likely be postponed to next month. Learning a lot about myself alone, about relationships, the bible, God life and what not. Despite having few friends and no social life. (Sometimes I'm jealous of what XW is always doing and experiencing.) Going places being social, buying a new car, etc.... But remind myself that that is her life and mine is mine. I have my own beliefs, desires, wants, needs, etc. Im actually doing pretty ok despite all this chaos around me. Even XW is completely shocked just how well I'm taking all of this and taking everything on, and how calm I am.
I've been sitting down. Writing out my goals of what I want to do externally GAL, and work on and think about internally. Places I want to go. Things I want to do and see. Goals O want to achieve. Business ventures I want to make. And I chunk them down into daily tangible measurable goals. Something I've never done until forced to be reckoned to my own time, my own life, independence, and being completely alone. I'm ready to start growing again from rock bottom and taking my entire life into my own hands and not let the outside circumstances affect that. Even though Im making baby steps. For the first time in my life. I feel like I'm on center and no body can knock me off it. I feel this strength like I've never felt before. I know God has a good plan for my life. That if I can handle all this. I can handle anything. Steve85 was right. 90% of life is how we handle things and 10% of what happens us. All this chaos is changing me not to be dwelling or drowning in negativity anymore. To be hopeful. To take action. To inspire. To plan. To create, and most importantly to change. I only mention it here to illustrate just how many emotional physical financial marital and psychological obstacles I've encountered in tge last year. I've learned to let go what I can't control like Mom passing, and XW leaving the M. I do get to control my life, my actions, my thoughts, and my direction. I've pretty much ghosted communications with XW unless its related to S2. She's been friendly and helpful and ive been receptive and thankful and I leave it at that. You don't need another person to stay to have a good life. People want what they want when they want it. You don't have to like or agree with free will, but you kind of have to respect it. When someone points out an error or flaw? Thank them for it. Learn from it immediately. If I think of any other words or thoughts of inspiration ill be sure to post them here on DB. Lately my thoughts about life have been on fire. Now is the time to share them, empower people, and create new experiences.
1st- you can tell your W, feel free to live by your rules of separation! You do your thing and I’ll do mine! Seriously. Stop letting her dictate everything.
And she wants you to show her love by LETTING HER GO!! She’s pretty much spelled it out for you. But you insist on showing it by wanting to solve her problems, hovering over her and being needy and codependent. You still think that’s the way to her heart. It’s what YOU want. But if you really want to love her in the way she is asking. LET HER GO!
We spoke about rules, she stated she wouldn't be ok with dating or kissing etc, I'm kinda confused by it all to be honest. There was some talk about expectations, she listed things like me quitting smoking, getting my drivers license, seeing growth.
Seriously?!
Originally Posted by Ginger
I read this and I read she more of your mom and you are a her teenager. She doesn’t want codependency yet she wants to give you rules to follow.
She wants the separation, there is nothing you can do about that. But you can decide what and how and when you will do things. Come to an agreement on the kids and you make suggestions and not just do what she says.
I think YOU need this separation and it’s a good time to get your balls back.
Amen.
Also, breaking up scared her. Why would you agree to be available as a backup plan for 6mo?
I'm certain breaking up scared her, after the closer connection over Xmas, the intimacy over New year and mostly I think the emotional honesty truth and sadness that was being required in the concious uncoupling process all seemed too much.
I know she is going through a lot, addressing childhood abuse and trauma and the impact it has had on all her relationships and life, not just us.
And I get that part of her healing and not bending around others or seeking validation from others is exactly the same as us dbers in putting the focus back on ourselves.
Her trauma therapist has told her that this seperation is not something she is doing to me but something she is doing for herself.
Knowing all this, loving her and respecting her need for space doesn't make any of this any easier. She has asked for 6 months to re-evaluate. I can't not give her the space she's asking for and I'm trying hard not to pursue or seek reassurance.
We met with family therapist, she explained her desire for a trial seperation, I let her talk and validated where I could, She raised some of the changes she would like to see. I stated they would be my own goals, I won't jump through hoops.
I did raise my concerns that I felt the same way about our relationship that I did not want a seperation, but would not stand in her way. I was pressed on how I felt Stated my main concern was that this was a way of making seperation easier, that it was about getting used to just being co parents and business partners.
She stated that she could make no promises, that may happen. Again that she had no more to give at the moment
Made a statement that she had been 99% she wanted to end marriage, but that was no longer the case. Bit my tongue hard to not get a percentage ( lol)
We are supposed to meet again with therapist on Thursday to outline what these 6 months will look like, dating etc, financials.
Since meeting I have not initiated any contact or r talks when in contact. But my W has been in contact daily,
She still sometimes talks about future living arrangements if together. Chatting about family day trips or vacations abroad. Shared several times about her trauma work and need to focus on herself, take care of herself and the kids.
She has been talking more and more about realising she is in a different place to her new friends who she was partying with, as they don't have kids, are repeating same relationship patterns and repeatedly putting all the blame on the men.
We went for a family walk yesterday, had a really good time, ended up watching a movie together, she asked if I wanted to stay, I declined and returned to the flat.
Had a very strange day today where all my time was my own, been journaling, did some yoga, took a beach walk, Then a message from wife if I wanted to meet her and d6 at the beach.
I agreed as right now I'm not turning down many opportunities to see kids, I think I will get better at this.
Interactions seem weird, friendly, but I feel very aware of space between us, I don't see any signs of attraction or anything but just mind reading.
She has spoken positively of kids seeing me exercising and applying for my licence, I hadn't known they had fed this back to her and it seemed to get a positive response.
Not lying ,I'm making changes, taking more time and care towards myself, but yeah lots of focus still on her and wanting her to see.
Again I think / hope this will change in time.
So some personal positives But also underpinned by this fear that the distance will just become the new normal, that she's putting off a choice to make it easier.
I can't control her choice, but I can use the time and also try and ensure positive interactions and regain some respect.
