Jeez AnotherStander that's a pretty bleak outlook.
Why would she go this way and suddenly suggest a trial seperation of 6 months if last week she was setting boundaries around needing to be on her own, no relationship talks etc.
Is she just intending to keep me dangling? She actually mentioned to me this evening that she saw things between us that would be a good foundation going forward, again mentioned the shared house idea but need for her own space.
Would the intent be to just keep me sweet.
Don't really understand her comments regarding changes she would like to see in me other than it just being for the kids.
To me right now she seems confused, don't know just going off of what I think I know of her over last 15 years , but who knows
Not saying you are wrong, just asking questions of the vets.
Let’s say you’re right and she’s confused. Don’t you think if she was confused she would lean towards doing the right thing and working on the marriage?
Yes it’s like she gets a 6 month free pass to get out on the market to see what’s available and if it doesn’t go well she come to you and says ok trial separation over.
Also , there's no way of me really addressing any of those concerns with her directly.
We are due to come to therapy session on Thursday with our thoughts on trial seperation and tbh I have many questions and concerns and dont know how or whether to raise them.
At the same time this is all very different from the hostility and abuse narrative of 2 months ago, then the getting closer over Xmas, then intimacy of new years eve , followed by declaration of no intimacy and strong boundaries and now idea of a 6 month trial seperation.
I guess one of my questions/ points needs to be what happens if one of these "rules" of the seperation are broken.
Jeez AnotherStander that's a pretty bleak outlook.
I don't see it as bleak yet. You know how we say this is a marathon, well you are at around the 1-1/2 mile mark and you are asking what the outcome will be. My response is it's too early to say, there's still many miles to be run.
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Why would she go this way and suddenly suggest a trial seperation of 6 months if last week she was setting boundaries around needing to be on her own, no relationship talks etc.
Is she just intending to keep me dangling? She actually mentioned to me this evening that she saw things between us that would be a good foundation going forward, again mentioned the shared house idea but need for her own space.
She is doing this because like every other WAW she is confused and in turmoil. She doesn't know what she wants, so she's "trying things on" to see how they feel. Divorce one week, recon the next, trial separation the next. She's throwing stuff at the wall to see if anything sticks. I used to use this analogy- WAS's can appear very calm and collected on the outside, but inside their head it's like a raging hurricane. Things are getting thrown around in there like pieces of lumber and debris. When she opens her mouth her words are like detritus being flung from the storm, they may or may not make sense and they will change from day-to-day. This is why we say not to believe anything they say and only half of what they do. This is also why we say be the rock and the lighthouse. You are the beacon of safety and security in that crazy storm that is raging.
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To me right now she seems confused, don't know just going off of what I think I know of her over last 15 years , but who knows
The person she is now is likely quite different than the person you knew for 15 years. She may return to her old self, but it will happen very slowly over a long period of time. Until then you are dealing with the alien version.
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We are due to come to therapy session on Thursday with our thoughts on trial seperation and tbh I have many questions and concerns and dont know how or whether to raise them.
You don't raise them. Here is your stance- "I don't want this but I understand you do and I will not stand in your way." Period. The only other two things you do in there are listen and validate.
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I guess one of my questions/ points needs to be what happens if one of these "rules" of the seperation are broken.
Well that's the rub right there. If you make a rule not to date, and she does anyway, then what? There's no way to make her abide by a rule like that. So don't have rules. It's a separation, a step towards ending the M. You both live your lives how you see fit.
Separation may also be the first step towards recon. You just don't know yet. Keep running the miles.
Tell her I thought it over and I decided I don’t want any rules to separation and I will live my life like we are separated.
Exactly. Quit playing by her rules, because her rules only apply to you no matter what she may say to the contrary. That's the alien talking, not the wife you remember.
Nothing a WAS says makes sense because they are operating on feelings and emotions, which can change in an instant. That is also why you get so many conflicting bits and pieces of information at such random times.
I know. I was there too. I still am - after 17 months. Yes it [censored], but there isn't anything you can do to help W or fix your MR right now.
No, really, there isn't.
Stop focusing on everything she is saying. Is any of it helping you? Have you been able to link any of it together logically? Does it make any sense?
Step back, pause, figure yourself out. You must have many things that you've always wanted to do. Why not start doing them? You've been handed some time. What do you want to do with that time?
And there is no such thing as a "trial" separation. "Trial" is a word put in there to help the LBS adapt to the reality of the situation. It's just a separation, and when you're separated, it's sort of like practicing to be single/on your own.
That's the reality of it.
Listen to AS and LH. They know what they are talking about. They've both helped me a lot.
Thanks again guys. Literally no other choice for me than to take the time and use it constructively on myself.
The other way, my instinctive way ( which is screaming at me) will destroy the relationship forever and push her away.
I really appreciate the support here.
It's the hardest thing I've ever faced, I miss her daily, I want to fix it, i want to show her change. But none of that helps. I see her struggle and want to help, I know it's no longer my role.
I'll be the lighthouse as best I can, I'll shut my mouth more often ( lol) I'll try and knuckle down on myself and will keep posting.
She raised writing down our expectations of a trial seperation for therapy session
Stated she would not be becoming involved with anyone else.
That our contact with work, the house the kids was enough right now as she worked on herself and that she had no more to give at the moment.
That she knew how I felt, but she needed actions not words to show love ( how the heck do I show her love by actions if we are not even talking or working on the relationship for 6 months)
That I needed to have faith
Said I that her head saw changes and possibility but her body was telling her why would she go back, what would change.
That she will not get back with me now She reiterated that it would have to be a new relationship
That I should raise any concerns or hard questions at therapy
That she wasn't planing on some big reveal regarding her decision in 6 months, That I would know how she felt before.
Throughout this I tried to keep it all to validation or at worst nodding.
Every word seems laced with intangible meaning, can't help right now hanging on each word and interaction. I know this will change in time, but cripes it's tough.
