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A Message from Michele
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Re: Boom-or-Bust and Everything In Between [Re: Wanted1] #2883630
02/02/20 03:54 PM
02/02/20 03:54 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,543
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kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,543
Bttrfly, it wasnt a matter of him deciding to have a kid with her after four months. It was a matter of him saying hed be open to the idea of another kid when they first started dating (she wants children) and then realizing pretty quickly that no, he really wouldn't want to do that again.

Re: Boom-or-Bust and Everything In Between [Re: Wanted1] #2883633
02/02/20 04:01 PM
02/02/20 04:01 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,559
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HaWho Offline
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HaWho  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,559
I am sure that was a very hard conversation to have but, that said, you did nothing wrong. Her handling of it shows tremendous immaturity. As a woman, if I wanted another child and a guy told me he did not, I would thank him. The last thing I would want is to be in it alone.

Quite immature that she said you should compromise on having just one child if you loved her. Uhh, were not talking about having an extra dessert. One child = huge/lifelong commitment. Its also really weird that she is trying to tell you that you owe her family and friends answers. No, you certainly do not. And its wrong to guilt you.

Dont feel guilty. You did the right thing. Ditto KML, make sure you arent put in a compromising position with her. It sounds like she is not a person who takes no well.

Lesson learned for future relationships: your mind is made up. Onwards and upwards.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Re: Boom-or-Bust and Everything In Between [Re: kml] #2883637
02/02/20 04:30 PM
02/02/20 04:30 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,938
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,938
Massachusetts
Originally Posted by kml
Bttrfly, it wasnt a matter of him deciding to have a kid with her after four months. It was a matter of him saying hed be open to the idea of another kid when they first started dating (she wants children) and then realizing pretty quickly that no, he really wouldn't want to do that again.


I meant her, not him.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

One, Two, Three, Give it to God
Re: Boom-or-Bust and Everything In Between [Re: Wanted1] #2883788
02/03/20 04:27 PM
02/03/20 04:27 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 308
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Wanted1 Offline OP
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Wanted1  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 308
Thank you all for responding! While I was "sure" I did the right thing and tried to be respectful as possible her reaction to it all made me start questioning whether or not I was missing something and question myself. Probably some ill effects of the gas lighting that took place after BD and all that fun stuff!

Nevertheless, I appreciate you all confirming that for me.

HaWho, I thought the same thing about her not taking "no" well. This was a glimpse into how she would probably react when she didn't get her way. Granted it was me ending things and she has every right to be upset, heart broken and all of that but just the way she handled it made me wonder if that's what life would be like each and every time things didn't go as she wanted.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this in the long diatribe before but we only had a couple minor disagreements in the 4 months and after reflecting back on those there was a lot of "You should have handled it this way" or "If you would have just done X, then it would have been better." In reality, those examples she used didn't change the outcome and were frankly pretty impertinent to the case at hand. It was more or less her need to be 'right' and/or her need to let me know that I'm wrong. The one glaring example of this we when she tried to tell me that I should have come to her when I started having those second thoughts about more children in the weeks before I let he know so, in her words, "we could make those decisions together and so she wasn't blindsided." Knowing the person she is now and sort of what I suspected all along, to be honest, that wouldn't have changed anything. She still would have freaked out I'm sure, tried to guilt me into or convince me to have more children and that would have been a blindside at the time, too.

In the end, just another example of logic not playing a part for one of the people involved!


M: 34 W:34
D:7 D:6 S:3

M: 9.5 years T: 12

OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18
IHS begins
W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18
W files: 12/21/18
D Final: 2/25/19
Re: Boom-or-Bust and Everything In Between [Re: Wanted1] #2883813
02/03/20 05:25 PM
02/03/20 05:25 PM
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 621
T
Twofeet Offline
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Twofeet  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 621
Don't have much to add beyond what the others have said. Children are a lifelong commitment and shouldn't be a decision you can negotiate on. You either want them or you don't. Its a good thing you took time to have some inner dialogue and come to the decision on your own and not work through it with her. Always listen to that inner voice. Not knowing she would do it, but if these thoughts came up and you discussed it with her together as she suggested, you never know if it could end in an unwanted pregnancy. I understand her being upset and not handling the end well, but the indignation, made up drama, petulance to being told no shows you some of the true her that she probably was hiding until true conflict came out. Sux bro, but how does the saying go... if you don't stand for something then you will fall for everything. Don't worry there will be other ladies.


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
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