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Re: Money and taxes [Re: kas99] #2881837
01/22/20 04:16 PM
01/22/20 04:16 PM
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hoosjim Offline
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It WILL get better, kas. Like pretty much everyone else who comes on these forums, I was devastated at first. Could never remember feeling so low and desperate. Would break down in tears regularly and spontaneously (and I am a fairly "strong/masculine" guy, FWIW). Often enough that it was sometimes a struggle to hide it from my boys. But, eventually, that started to fade. As I moved forward and improved myself, became active and found things to live for other than my wayward spouse, those episodes became progressively less, and I started feeling ever better, more confident, and joyful. Both faith and fitness played a HUGE role in that dynamic-- faith for obvious reasons and fitness because I have found that it is nearly impossible to feel down/sorry-for-yourself when you are sweating and the blood is pumping and the endorphins are working during a good workout. By the time the second BD rolled around (and not even really a "BD", was actually just me discovering her continued contact with OM) I was hurt and sad, yes, since i had started to believe we were truly piecing, but, MORE than those emotions, I was angry and disgusted, and completely ready to jettison her and move on with my own life (which had become pretty darned good by that point).

And lest you say "Oh, well, he got to piecing, which is why he felt better", I would tell you that i got to that better place WELL before it looked like my WW would turn to piecing... such that when that "false start" fell apart, it was not nearly as devastating as when she first BD'd me. In fact, it was not devastating at all.

You need to get to that place where you feel good about YOU... you're cheating spouse be d@mned. And it CAN and WILL happen.... but you do need to put some effort in it to achieve maximum effect.

Last edited by job; 01/24/20 05:57 PM. Reason: edited language

H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Re: Money and taxes [Re: FlySolo] #2881888
01/22/20 07:40 PM
01/22/20 07:40 PM
Joined: May 2019
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kas99 Offline OP
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Quote
I get no sense of who you are. I know Kas the LBS, I know Kas the abandoned child, but who is Kas when she is neither of those


I cried on the way home for lunch....CRAP I just noticed there is another gift in my office. Now I want to cry again.

Off to thank my best friend and to pull it together.

Last edited by kas99; 01/22/20 07:40 PM.
Re: Money and taxes [Re: kas99] #2881956
01/23/20 04:53 AM
01/23/20 04:53 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,154
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kas99 Offline OP
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D14 is on steroids from being sick and they are making her cranky. H interrupted her daily nap with texts then came up to her room and she bit his head off. He's rarely home and she's getting an attitude. He leaves. She texted him asking where he was and if he would bring her dinner (she didn't come over tonight). He texted "I am NOT happy right now and I'll be back later." This was 6pm. She texted him "are you mad at me?" He ignores.

He comes home at 10:00 with food. Tells her he's upset because she snapped at him. She blamed it on the meds.

Last edited by kas99; 01/23/20 04:55 AM.
Re: Money and taxes [Re: kas99] #2881957
01/23/20 04:58 AM
01/23/20 04:58 AM
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rooskers Offline
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You might want to stay out of that one kas. You want no part of that battle.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Money and taxes [Re: rooskers] #2881988
01/23/20 02:37 PM
01/23/20 02:37 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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I'm exhausted. D14 was upset so she didn't finish her homework so I was up until midnight helping her. She's prone to stress ailments and this time it was a rash.

She woke H up about the rash and he told her to put lotion on it. Made it worse so she calls me back in tears. She goes back and tells her what I said (cringing). It's 1am and now he knows I'm involved. He does go to the store (I give him credit for this) but he buys the wrong stuff. I use eczema cream and he got the bug bite stuff. She hasn't had a rash in a long time so this isn't yet in his medicine cabinet.

One of my coworkers thinks he got served and that thought did cross my mind.

Re: Money and taxes [Re: kas99] #2882017
01/23/20 04:57 PM
01/23/20 04:57 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,020
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CWarrior Online
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Originally Posted by "kas99"
Made it worse so she calls me back in tears

It's a terrible trigger when our kids are in tears.

Originally Posted by "kas99"
. She goes back and tells her what I said (cringing).

How bad was it? Hopefully no worse than, "You piece of sidewalk gum, but her some eczema cream!"


My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. I've accepted she sees us as an "us" forever, but can't see her daughter living in my community.
Re: Money and taxes [Re: CWarrior] #2882045
01/23/20 08:13 PM
01/23/20 08:13 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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She goes back and tells her what I said (cringing).

How bad was it? Hopefully no worse than, "You piece of sidewalk gum, but her some eczema cream!"


LOL nothing like that. I'm cringing because I prefer to be invisible. I know I'm not but I like to pretend I am.

Re: Money and taxes [Re: kas99] #2882059
01/23/20 09:27 PM
01/23/20 09:27 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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I'm a minimalist who dreams of one day being one those zen people. My favorite self help book of all times and I've read 100's of them is Awareness by Anthony DeMello.

"You do not change if you merely change your exterior world." "Loneliness is not cured by human company". "An attachment is a belief that without something (or someone) you are not going to be happy". "There is nothing wrong with the world what needs to change is YOU".

This book seriously gives me a headache.

Re: Money and taxes [Re: kas99] #2882163
01/24/20 05:25 PM
01/24/20 05:25 PM
Joined: May 2019
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kas99 Offline OP
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H asked D14 if she was eating dinner with me and she said yes. He then told her he was going out to eat and when I dropped her off at 9pm he was still gone. It's so hard going over there, seeing him gone and knowing where he is. My thoughts go back to he's happy, living his life without a care in the world while I'm suffering.

I don't want him back I just don't want him to be happy at least not right now. Right now I want him to suffer like I am.

Re: Money and taxes [Re: hoosjim] #2882166
01/24/20 05:46 PM
01/24/20 05:46 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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kas99  Offline OP
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Quote
By the time the second BD rolled around (and not even really a "BD", was actually just me discovering her continued contact with OM) I was hurt and sad, yes, since i had started to believe we were truly piecing, but, MORE than those emotions, I was angry and disgusted, and completely ready to jettison her and move on with my own life (which had become pretty darned good by that point).


My life isn't good yet but I am starting to get disgusted at H's behavior.

Quote
And lest you say "Oh, well, he got to piecing, which is why he felt better", I would tell you that i got to that better place WELL before it looked like my WW would turn to piecing... such that when that "false start" fell apart, it was not nearly as devastating as when she first BD'd me. In fact, it was not devastating at all.


I think piecing is harder than being a LBS and that no one should do it until they are over the wayward spouse

Quote
You need to get to that place where you feel good about YOU... you're cheating spouse be d@mned. And it CAN and WILL happen.... but you do need to put some effort in it to achieve maximum effect


This will seem lame but I have cooked dinner every night for my kids. Real meals too. When they ask me to do something I do it asap (make an appt, get something at the store, wash a special shirt, etc.) My kids have commented that they didn't think I'd make that appt, remember to wash that shirt, etc. I'm mostly caught up at work and I feel good about that. It's hard and I'm emotionally drained but I'm pushing through it hoping that one day my work will pay off. Right now? Still suffering.

Last edited by job; 01/24/20 05:57 PM. Reason: edited language
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