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Stand strong there P! She´s going to come back like a bull shark...not your problems anymore.

You deserve better, as LH says.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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phnix Offline OP
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Originally Posted by neffer
Stand strong there P! She´s going to come back like a bull shark...not your problems anymore.

You deserve better, as LH says.



Thanks Neffer. God sent you guys as angels to help me get through this difficult time.

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How do you guys feel about divorcing on grounds of adultery instead of irreconcilable differences? She claims she is going to represent herself and she can't wait to talk to my lawyer. LOL She is so arrogant right now. I don't want to push the issue too much because she is willing to take $8000 or the debt and give me only $6000 of the debt. Split the house 50/50 and joint shared custody of our 15 year old son. I'm not sure what he is working up but my lawyer told his assistant to include her relationship with the OM in the papers. I know this will make her pissed off. If she was to fight it I believe I may be entitled to more of the debt. For example, she put her College classes on a credit card and I may be liable to pay for half of that as it may be included as marital debt. Add that $10,000 and she is willing to assume $18,000 of the credit card debt and me only $4000. I'm thinking this is a pretty sweet deal up front.

I need to be as amicable as possible for the sake of my son. Am I wrong on this or am I continuing to be weak. I just paid my lawyer on Thursday and I had to get back to work. All I told him was that I wanted her out of the house and she has failed to leave.

I am also in the process of putting the house on the market. I've got to do some things to the outside of the house first and they will take picture and I will sign the papers with the realtors.

Last edited by phnix; 02/03/20 10:34 PM.
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I'd listen to your lawyer on this. Sounds as if you have moved on for now from her, so probably protecting your interests should be paramount. In some states, including SC, adultery is an absolute bar to having to pay any spousal support (alimony), and can impact other things including division of property and child custody. Now, adultery can be difficult to prove but it sounds in this case as if the whole world knows about this and it might not be so hard to prove after all. If you are willing and ready to cut ties, I'd think about letting your lawyer drive as hard a bargain as possible-- he will know what is best and what is not best for you, legally speaking.

Also, protecting yourself legally does not mean you have to be "not amicable". The law is the law and what she did is what she did. There are consequences. You don't have to be vindictive or hateful about it but the bottom line is that a) she cheated, broke her vows, and broke up the marriage and b) as long as she is Wayward and playing GGW and sleeping around and otherwise disrespecting you-- the primary masculine role model in your sons' lives-- she is not anywhere near as fit as you to parent the kids. JMHO. Honestly, she doesn't have a leg to stand on, here.

I'd think about exactly "what it is you want" in all areas, then discuss these with your lawyer, and then let the lawyer do his job and, in the interim, be as cordial and upbeat towards W as possible. Hate will eat you alive, but "protecting your legal interests" and "hate" are not the same thing. You can be nice and polite and protect you and your sons' interests at the same time.

JMHO

Last edited by hoosjim; 02/03/20 11:06 PM.

H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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Hey phnx, how's it goin'? Any updates?


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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Basketball season is finally over. 1st time not making the state playoffs in 4 years. Had some problems from the summer that I didn’t deal with and it cost me in the long run. Finished season 15-12 and somewhat pleased considering I’ve been like a zombie for the past 9 months.

I have paid my lawyer and filed for divorce. She had papers drawn up but never would file so I made the decision for her. She seemed relieved and probably what she was wanting the entire time. She is just to much of a coward to do it. Now she has no choice. She is looking for a place to stay but dragging her feet.
Emotionally she has been all over the place. Keeps asking am I sure I want to do this. I explained of course I want to do this. I have continued to monitor her last month and she was still meeting up with him in the woods. She has been out every weekend, gone to Atlanta by herself, and then to a concert in Savannah two weekends ago. People from our town were 2 rows behind and said she left after the 3rd song and never came back.
So I’ve realized I do not want to be with someone that treats me like this. I could never fully forgive her due to way too many betrayals and the ongoing affair even after exposed etc... I will make it in my own. I will rediscover myself and I will move forward. If we find our way back to each other then it will be down the road. She continues to want to show me affection and has been crying a lot lately. She never ever has bouts of crying. I think she loves me but she wants to be free to continue her affair in private and I’m secret due to everyone knowing. She doubts her future and admits that she is not right and feels like something is wrong with her. I’ve realized it is for her to figure out and not me.
As for me I am doing much better. Lawyer will be filing this week and the house went on the market yesterday. Once papers are filed she will have 10days to move out. Everything has been amicable and I do not want to be ugly going through the divorce. She refuses to hire a lawyer because she is stubborn and she says she will represent herself. Of course that is who she is and she will always be that way. She thinks she is smarter than everyone else and that she has all the answers. She is very controlling and has always been that way. Hell she was telling me how to do the yard work on Sunday and I told her she could go boss our 14 year old around in the house.

It’s been self empowering to list the house, separate bank accounts, and file for divorce. I’m just ready to get it over. I’m sure I’ll have a lot of grieving to do once she does finally move out. I still love her but I know I it’s best I grieve, heal, and move on. Of course we have kids so I will never really truly be done with her. For some reason it just hit me and I know this is what I want. I have no regrets because I stuck it out for 9 months now even knowing the affair was ongoing. I think it really flared back up somewhat last month. He can have her. She is super jealous and controlling. I can find better. Maybe not someone with supermodel looks but I’ve realized that isn’t what matters.
What matters is having someone you trust and that trust you. Someone that isn’t jealous, possessive, or controlling. This is what makes a woman a 10!!
In a way she is still trying to keep me on the hook and she admitted to cake eating the other night. Hopefully the house will get sold within 6 months and I will be much better off financially. Debt free and a chance to rent or buy my own place. She has decided to do joint custody of our son but once he is with me next year he will be with me most of the time due to playing high school sports and the amount of time it consumes. He plays football, basketball, and baseball. Summer we will have workouts everyday and during the year he will be involved in those sports. I think I took 3 days off at Thanksgiving and only 4 days off at Christmas.
She will move out and buy all new furniture and she is taking most of the credit card debt so I am happy with those terms.
I will make it and I will be fine. The worst part has to be living with someone and knowing that they are meeting up with someone else. Divorce can’t be more painful than living in that type of situation. That isn’t marriage that is hell!

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I'm happy and sad to read that update. Good for you. Keep the personal growth going now that you have more free time. Take care of those kids too. I'm rooting for you phnix.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Keep strong there man.

Respect!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Joined: Aug 2019
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I'm happy and sad to read that update. Good for you. Keep the personal growth going now that you have more free time. Take care of those kids too. I'm rooting for you phnix.


I am going to do that and it is important that I take care of myself too. My oldest is in college and my youngest will hopefully be with me next year at my high school. Disciplining my youngest has become somewhat more difficult. I had him doing chores the other day and he mentioned if living with me is going to be like this then he would be with his mom. That hurt and cut pretty deep. I just looked at him and said, "you are my son and you will do what I ask you to do whether you like it or not because in the end I provide for you. You will not play me against your mom." He has become a little more defiant and his mom is being overly nice and friendly. Buying him anything he wants and trying to please him with as little confrontation as possible. She was in tears after showing him the home she is planning on renting because he told her he wasn't living anywhere but his home or until the house was sold.

One of my biggest lessons in all of this is people will treat you however you allow them to treat you. Being firm on your expectations and boundaries are important in all aspects of your life. At work, with coworkers, other parents, a spouse, family members, and most importantly your children. Unfortunately I have allowed many people to take advantage of me and treat me poorly.

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I had him doing chores the other day and he mentioned if living with me is going to be like this then he would be with his mom. That hurt and cut pretty deep. I just looked at him and said, "you are my son and you will do what I ask you to do whether you like it or not because in the end I provide for you. You will not play me against your mom."
Perfect. Just because there is a hard time going on doesn't give anyone an excuse to behave wrong.

Quote
One of my biggest lessons in all of this is people will treat you however you allow them to treat you.

Love that phrase.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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