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Living in a small community and having this happen has finally made me feel humiliated and ashamed.



Why? What have you done wrong? That's on her.


I mean... yeah... I get where you are coming from, AS, and at some point you need to be able to have that "WTF, forget that cheating liar and her scuzzbag AP... I'm the man!" attitude, but, at the same time, I completely sympathize with the way P feels right now. I was in the exact same place, and i don't even live in a small community (far from it-- MAJOR metro area). It's natural, as a man, to feel ashamed that another man has "taken" your woman... it's a territorial thing... I'd question the masculinity of a man who DIDN'T feel that way, at least initially. Which is why it is so vitally important to do things to build yourself back up... improve yourself into AMOAFWL... and justifiably be able to say "screw them, I have way too much going on for me to be concerned with those losers and SO many better options out there for someone to spend my time with." In the interim, should you be trying to alter your mindset and "fake it til you make it?" Absolutely... but I completely understand having that humiliated feeling-- I had it too, particularly since the OM in my case WAS most certainly a loser-- my WW "Affaired down", WAY down for her-- and I had to constantly stop myself from dwelling on "I can't believe i lost out to THAT guy". That feeling never went completely away until I actually faced down OM in person and fully realized what a loser he was. (And not suggesting that you do that-- your sitch is different than mine in that i was still actively "fighting for my MR" at that point-- just pointing out that you will likely have a similar "A-ha" moment at some oint in the future, likely as a result of something you do or achieve.)

And I am not intending to imply/say that AS is out of line or accusing you of feeling "wrongly", here... pretty sure he's just pointing out that it is not simply a matter of someone "stealing your W", but also of HER betraying/cheating, and also that he's trying to coach you up and move you towards the right mindset. Just don't feel discouraged if you continue to feel that sting for a while... it will start to fade the more you improve yourself and become the best P that you can be!

Last edited by hoosjim; 01/22/20 03:55 PM.

H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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Personally I think “embarrassed” may be a better word then humiliated or ashamed.

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Originally Posted by hoosjim
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Living in a small community and having this happen has finally made me feel humiliated and ashamed.



Why? What have you done wrong? That's on her.


I mean... yeah... I get where you are coming from, AS, and at some point you need to be able to have that "WTF, forget that cheating liar and her scuzzbag AP... I'm the man!" attitude, but, at the same time, I completely sympathize with the way P feels right now. I was in the exact same place, and i don't even live in a small community (far from it-- MAJOR metro area). It's natural, as a man, to feel ashamed that another man has "taken" your woman... it's a territorial thing... I'd question the masculinity of a man who DIDN'T feel that way, at least initially. Which is why it is so vitally important to do things to build yourself back up... improve yourself into AMOAFWL... and justifiably be able to say "screw them, I have way too much going on for me to be concerned with those losers and SO many better options out there for someone to spend my time with." In the interim, should you be trying to alter your mindset and "fake it til you make it?" Absolutely... but I completely understand having that humiliated feeling-- I had it too, particularly since the OM in my case WAS most certainly a loser-- my WW "Affaired down", WAY down for her-- and I had to constantly stop myself from dwelling on "I can't believe i lost out to THAT guy". That feeling never went completely away until I actually faced down OM in person and fully realized what a loser he was. (And not suggesting that you do that-- your sitch is different than mine in that i was still actively "fighting for my MR" at that point-- just pointing out that you will likely have a similar "A-ha" moment at some oint in the future, likely as a result of something you do or achieve.)

And I am not intending to imply/say that AS is out of line or accusing you of feeling "wrongly", here... pretty sure he's just pointing out that it is not simply a matter of someone "stealing your W", but also of HER betraying/cheating, and also that he's trying to coach you up and move you towards the right mindset. Just don't feel discouraged if you continue to feel that sting for a while... it will start to fade the more you improve yourself and become the best P that you can be!


Well stated, this is exactly how I feel. I will do what is best for me and the boys. Keeping the house for now would be best for my youngest son and he probably would prefer being with me and being in the only home he has ever known.

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I think my steps from here are to do the following:
1. Realtor do a market analysis and see what I may be able to make once I sell
2. Meet with my friend at the bank to discuss financial opportunities with this information.
3. Borrow the money to pay lawyer and meet with him. I need to have a plan for every situation and get advice on how to proceed so that it best suits me and my son.
4. I don't think she will hire a lawyer but I would like to be as fair as possible. Obviously she can't be trusted and she wants what is best for her financially in the long run.

In our discussions she was wanting to 50/50 split custody. She would make decision regarding his education. I don;t like this because it could give her the outlet to say he is not coming to the school that I currently teach. She mentioned selling the house and doing 60/40 of the equity because I would be living in it and paying the mortgage. I told her I feel like the total amount paid should come off the top. Of course she says the entire mortgage is not coming off the principle because of taxes and insurance.

In speaking with someone that has sold many homes, he told me that after commission and closing cost, I might get $180,000 for the house. This is if I sell it for $200,000. Well that would very well likely mean that I am only gaining $30,000 which would be exactly half if I gave her $15000 up front. I guess I'll have a better idea once I meet with the realtor.

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Originally Posted by hoosjim
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Quote
Living in a small community and having this happen has finally made me feel humiliated and ashamed.



Why? What have you done wrong? That's on her.


I mean... yeah... I get where you are coming from, AS, and at some point you need to be able to have that "WTF, forget that cheating liar and her scuzzbag AP... I'm the man!" attitude, but, at the same time, I completely sympathize with the way P feels right now. I was in the exact same place, and i don't even live in a small community (far from it-- MAJOR metro area). It's natural, as a man, to feel ashamed that another man has "taken" your woman... it's a territorial thing... I'd question the masculinity of a man who DIDN'T feel that way, at least initially.


Yes you are quite right, we all do have similar feelings early on! Shame that we may have contributed to this situation, remorse that we didn't do better, etc. It is of course normal to feel that way. It takes time but we eventually emerge from the fog and realize we're not the terrible husband our WAS has painted us to be, and that while we may have contributed to them feeling that way, what they are going through is really more about them than it is about us. When we finally see that, then we also see that their behavior in BD and after is really pretty reprehensible. They are throwing away a decades-long family investment to pursue a fantasy. Meanwhile we are working hard on ourselves and our M to try to salvage it. All I'm saying is from the outside looking in, people see a loyal, faithful spouse trying very hard to save their M, and a cheating, adulterous spouse who seems utterly oblivious to the carnage they are causing to everyone they claim to love. I just tried to say it in as few words as possible, possibly too few grin


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Yes you are quite right, we all do have similar feelings early on! Shame that we may have contributed to this situation, remorse that we didn't do better, etc. It is of course normal to feel that way. It takes time but we eventually emerge from the fog and realize we're not the terrible husband our WAS has painted us to be, and that while we may have contributed to them feeling that way, what they are going through is really more about them than it is about us. When we finally see that, then we also see that their behavior in BD and after is really pretty reprehensible. They are throwing away a decades-long family investment to pursue a fantasy. Meanwhile we are working hard on ourselves and our M to try to salvage it. All I'm saying is from the outside looking in, people see a loyal, faithful spouse trying very hard to save their M, and a cheating, adulterous spouse who seems utterly oblivious to the carnage they are causing to everyone they claim to love. I just tried to say it in as few words as possible, possibly too few


^^^Extremely well said.


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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Been a few days since I have replied. Been taking caring of myself and busy with work. We have played games every Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday for the month of January and one more week to go.

She spent Friday night in Atlanta and was supposed to take her mom to see Oprah. She went by herself instead because her mom got sick. She left Friday immediately after work and our son stayed home alone until I got him around midnight. I did not approve and wish she would have dropped him off at my ballgame on her way out.

Tonight she proceeds to tell me that the apartment she was going to rent is unavailable. I told her she would figure something out. She stated she wants her freedom etc... She claimed her mom called her many times this weekend to make sure she was ok in Atlanta. She was upset at her mom for treating her like a kid. I’ve got to move on and let her go. It is difficult to do but I am afraid that if I wait for her to leave or file then she will eventually just parade her relationship right in front of my face. She has spent every weekend except one this month going out or being away from home.
As for me I’ve started my own checking account and have already moved bills that are in my name to come out of that account. I’ve got to remove my phone from her account and then decide on how I want my divorce to be settled. The longer I wait it seems the more aggressive she gets on splitting things and wanting me to pay for half of her credit card debt. She was back to mentioning me moving out again tonight. I told her that wouldn’t be happening. She thinks that because my family has apartments that I could just move in one of them. I don’t think she will ever move out.

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Going to the bank in the morning to borrow the money to pay my lawyer. My stitch will not move out and she filed online but never filed with the court. She continues to meet up with her affair partner and has spent nights with him this month.

I will keep you guys posted on my situation. I think “LH” is right on this one. No hope for our marriage. Too much betrayal and continuation of lies and manipulation. Best to cut my ties and move forward. Become stronger by standing up for myself and standing on my own.

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P,

What I have been trying to communicate is that you deserve better. We all come here trying to save our marriages and have this fantasy that our exes our going to see the light and beg us for forgiveness. That rarely if ever happens. If it does it’s usually way down the road when they can truly see the devastation they have caused. Even the ones who reconcile have it tough. My friends W cheated 16 years ago and he never got over it and is ready to D. He said after that every time she was late or got a phone call he wondered in the back of his mind what she was doing or talking to.

Divorced life have its challenges but it beats the heck out of a shitty marriage. There are so many available women out there who had the same thing happen to them and are just looking for an honest man.

You deserve better and you will realize it some day.

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Originally Posted by LH19
P,

What I have been trying to communicate is that you deserve better. We all come here trying to save our marriages and have this fantasy that our exes our going to see the light and beg us for forgiveness. That rarely if ever happens. If it does it’s usually way down the road when they can truly see the devastation they have caused. Even the ones who reconcile have it tough. My friends W cheated 16 years ago and he never got over it and is ready to D. He said after that every time she was late or got a phone call he wondered in the back of his mind what she was doing or talking to.

Divorced life have its challenges but it beats the heck out of a shitty marriage. There are so many available women out there who had the same thing happen to them and are just looking for an honest man.

You deserve better and you will realize it some day.


I agree with what your are saying and in time it will get a lot better for me. After the past couple of weeks I finally realized I don't want to be married to someone like her. I will never forget this pain, humiliation, shame, or betrayal. I will not let it control me. My priority now is for myself and my son.

I would like for the divorce to be somewhat cordial but there will be some headaches along the way. Lawyer this morning mentioned putting information about the affair in our papers and I didn't argue with him. She will flip out when she sees them. She has not hired a lawyer and claims she will not hire one. I would settle with everything 50/50 and her paying for her bills and me paying for mine. That means all credit cards in her name and only the one in my name.

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