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A Message from Michele
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Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: oceangrl] #2881424
01/19/20 11:08 PM
01/19/20 11:08 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 106
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oceangrl Offline OP
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oceangrl  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 106
FlySolo, DejaVu6, and Ready to Change, thank you for your posts and support. I really needed it today. One day I think I can do this, and another, I feel so rejected and hurt I want to stay in bed. This weekend is hard because it hurts more for some reason not to have him hug me in the morning or before we go to bed, or when my kids aren't home and I know in healthy relationships they would no doubt take the opportunity to be intimate but we just watch tv. It's so weird. Keeping my self-esteem up and not having a pity party is a full time job. And limbo [censored]. We sleep in the same bed, all sit in the same pew at church and have family dinner. I feel guilt that from the outside we look like a perfect family. But he rarely touches me. Today he did hug me which came as a surprise. I hugged him back, but did nothing else.

One of the hardestt things for me with detachment is learning how to remain pleasant and not cold.


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: Steve85] #2881425
01/19/20 11:11 PM
01/19/20 11:11 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 106
O
oceangrl Offline OP
Member
oceangrl  Offline OP
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by Steve85
OG... No one wanted out more than my wife. If you read my sitch, she was so far gone I had to start mourning her. Even when her EA ended, she started looking for EA#2. She even put up a public profile on a dating site, picture and all, explaining how she couldn't date yet but that her marriage was over and she would be able to date in the near future.

DBing works. In my case it turned my sitch around. As I embraced what she wanted 2 things happened: I started to accept it and be at ease with it. And she started to doubt that it was really what she wanted.

Focus on you. Let him figure out his own stuff.


Wow. Can you tell me what specific DB approaches you used? I mean, I know you have said GAL and detaching. I am wondering if you did things from the DR book, like making goals, acting "as if," etc. Sometimes it gets so confusing in my head trying to juggle it all.

I will keep working on myself and detaching. It is still hard, but I am way better at it than the codependent, pursuing mess I was before.


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: oceangrl] #2881426
01/19/20 11:27 PM
01/19/20 11:27 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 6,547
S
Steve85 Online
Member
Steve85  Online
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 6,547
Originally Posted by oceangrl
Originally Posted by Steve85
OG... No one wanted out more than my wife. If you read my sitch, she was so far gone I had to start mourning her. Even when her EA ended, she started looking for EA#2. She even put up a public profile on a dating site, picture and all, explaining how she couldn't date yet but that her marriage was over and she would be able to date in the near future.

DBing works. In my case it turned my sitch around. As I embraced what she wanted 2 things happened: I started to accept it and be at ease with it. And she started to doubt that it was really what she wanted.

Focus on you. Let him figure out his own stuff.


Wow. Can you tell me what specific DB approaches you used? I mean, I know you have said GAL and detaching. I am wondering if you did things from the DR book, like making goals, acting "as if," etc. Sometimes it gets so confusing in my head trying to juggle it all.

I will keep working on myself and detaching. It is still hard, but I am way better at it than the codependent, pursuing mess I was before.


I stuck pretty close to the book. Acting "as if" works wonders.

The only things I did off script was talk and touch charges. But those do not work on all sitches so be careful with them

My 180s were the biggest things I did. I had gotten bitter, angry and mean. Turning around on that bad behavior and being consistent in it eventually paid dividends.

But GAL and detaching were huge. She went from not caring where I was or what I was doing, to constantly asking me what was wrong. I would always answer in a very upbeat "nothing is wrong, things are great". That confused the heck out of her.


M(50), W(51),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: Steve85] #2881450
01/20/20 02:50 AM
01/20/20 02:50 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,336
Colorado
R
Ready2Change Offline
Member
Ready2Change  Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,336
Colorado
Originally Posted by Steve85
But GAL and detaching were huge. She went from not caring where I was or what I was doing, to constantly asking me what was wrong. I would always answer in a very upbeat "nothing is wrong, things are great". That confused the heck out of her.
If I was a woman, I would get dolled up and go out and get a coffee, or shopping at Walmart. No need to tell him where you are going or where you went.

W:"I am going out"


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: FlySolo] #2881491
01/20/20 01:30 PM
01/20/20 01:30 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,812
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AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,812
Originally Posted by FlySolo
There was a poster who collected all the stories which ended up in R (I can't remember who though).


I've tried to keep a list but unfortunately I haven't been very diligent about it so the list is nowhere near complete. These are just sitches I've read, they don't include the recon stories outside of the forums that Michele hears about.

Hoosjim
ttps://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2861030&page=5

Adam04
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2880774&#Post2880774

Miler
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...at&Number=2864381&gonew=1#UNREAD

Jim1234 (wife wants to recon):
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=2815862&nt=10&page=9

Joe2017 (not yet success but shows how a WAS can turn around):
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...at&Number=2775397&gonew=1#UNREAD

Steve85
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...at&Number=2820005&gonew=1#UNREAD

PsySara
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2821853&#Post2821853

Hero18
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2821032&page=7

BinNC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...at&Number=2812820&gonew=1#UNREAD

endofit
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...at&Number=2788874&gonew=1#UNREAD

Benito
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=60874&Number=2761432#Post2761432

Txhubby
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=60640&Number=2748478#Post2748478

Joejoe1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2758010#Post2758010

dday101798
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1781811&page=74

Notlikingthis
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2515648&page=1

upside
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2260170#Post2260170

Freckle
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2735806#Post2735806

Last edited by AnotherStander; 01/20/20 01:31 PM.

Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: AnotherStander] #2881563
01/20/20 08:51 PM
01/20/20 08:51 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 6,547
S
Steve85 Online
Member
Steve85  Online
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 6,547
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by FlySolo
There was a poster who collected all the stories which ended up in R (I can't remember who though).


I've tried to keep a list but unfortunately I haven't been very diligent about it so the list is nowhere near complete. These are just sitches I've read, they don't include the recon stories outside of the forums that Michele hears about.

Hoosjim
ttps://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2861030&page=5

Adam04
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2880774&#Post2880774

Miler
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...at&Number=2864381&gonew=1#UNREAD

Jim1234 (wife wants to recon):
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=2815862&nt=10&page=9

Joe2017 (not yet success but shows how a WAS can turn around):
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...at&Number=2775397&gonew=1#UNREAD

Steve85
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...at&Number=2820005&gonew=1#UNREAD

PsySara
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2821853&#Post2821853

Hero18
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2821032&page=7

BinNC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...at&Number=2812820&gonew=1#UNREAD

endofit
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...at&Number=2788874&gonew=1#UNREAD

Benito
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=60874&Number=2761432#Post2761432

Txhubby
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=60640&Number=2748478#Post2748478

Joejoe1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2758010#Post2758010

dday101798
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1781811&page=74

Notlikingthis
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2515648&page=1

upside
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2260170#Post2260170

Freckle
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2735806#Post2735806


This post needs to be put in it's own thread and stickied.


M(50), W(51),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: Steve85] #2881889
01/22/20 07:41 PM
01/22/20 07:41 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 106
O
oceangrl Offline OP
Member
oceangrl  Offline OP
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by oceangrl
Originally Posted by Steve85
OG... No one wanted out more than my wife. If you read my sitch, she was so far gone I had to start mourning her. Even when her EA ended, she started looking for EA#2. She even put up a public profile on a dating site, picture and all, explaining how she couldn't date yet but that her marriage was over and she would be able to date in the near future.

DBing works. In my case it turned my sitch around. As I embraced what she wanted 2 things happened: I started to accept it and be at ease with it. And she started to doubt that it was really what she wanted.

Focus on you. Let him figure out his own stuff.


Wow. Can you tell me what specific DB approaches you used? I mean, I know you have said GAL and detaching. I am wondering if you did things from the DR book, like making goals, acting "as if," etc. Sometimes it gets so confusing in my head trying to juggle it all.

I will keep working on myself and detaching. It is still hard, but I am way better at it than the codependent, pursuing mess I was before.


I stuck pretty close to the book. Acting "as if" works wonders.

The only things I did off script was talk and touch charges. But those do not work on all sitches so be careful with them

My 180s were the biggest things I did. I had gotten bitter, angry and mean. Turning around on that bad behavior and being consistent in it eventually paid dividends.

But GAL and detaching were huge. She went from not caring where I was or what I was doing, to constantly asking me what was wrong. I would always answer in a very upbeat "nothing is wrong, things are great". That confused the heck out of her.


That makes sense, thanks! I have been working hard on this. And when I get discouraged and hopeless, instead of pursuing him and wanting reassurances like the sad sack I used to be, I go in the bathroom and pull myself together instead. I take a minute and breathe and cry if i need to. Sometimes I've done jumping jacks haha.

He ignored me friday and saturday. And then on sunday he was so nice to me and even gave me a kiss on my check before he left for something. I was like ????? BUT.... before I would have jumped at those breadcrumbs and jumped back on the emotional roller coaster. This time I just accepted what he offered, and then went right back to my new headspace. You know, maybe it means something positive, maybe it doesn't. I do know he isn't one to do anything he doesn't want to. If he needs affection he just goes to the kids.

I also don't change in front of him. I change in the bathroom. It just helps me feel more empowered and more mysterious. He doesn't get that part of me right now. No cake and eating it too, buddy. He has told me he has noticed I am a different person in the past year. I have been working on my 180s. But before this site I was still pursuing and pressuring so he knew I was always an option. Needy and desperate fit me to the core.

Are you talk and touch charges from Mort Fortel? I've listened to his stuff, and he has some good ideas to offer that I feel complement DB. Not everything, of course.

Fighting the hopeless waves that come at times are the hardest. But I do feel I am progressing.


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: Ready2Change] #2881890
01/22/20 07:43 PM
01/22/20 07:43 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 106
O
oceangrl Offline OP
Member
oceangrl  Offline OP
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by Steve85
But GAL and detaching were huge. She went from not caring where I was or what I was doing, to constantly asking me what was wrong. I would always answer in a very upbeat "nothing is wrong, things are great". That confused the heck out of her.
If I was a woman, I would get dolled up and go out and get a coffee, or shopping at Walmart. No need to tell him where you are going or where you went.

W:"I am going out"


Yes!!! I've got to do this. I also want to go hiking on my own early saturday morning and wear my most flattering active wear. laugh


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: AnotherStander] #2881891
01/22/20 07:44 PM
01/22/20 07:44 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 106
O
oceangrl Offline OP
Member
oceangrl  Offline OP
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by FlySolo
There was a poster who collected all the stories which ended up in R (I can't remember who though).


I've tried to keep a list but unfortunately I haven't been very diligent about it so the list is nowhere near complete. These are just sitches I've read, they don't include the recon stories outside of the forums that Michele hears about.

Hoosjim
ttps://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2861030&page=5

Adam04
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2880774&#Post2880774

Miler
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...at&Number=2864381&gonew=1#UNREAD

Jim1234 (wife wants to recon):
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=2815862&nt=10&page=9

Joe2017 (not yet success but shows how a WAS can turn around):
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...at&Number=2775397&gonew=1#UNREAD

Steve85
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...at&Number=2820005&gonew=1#UNREAD

PsySara
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2821853&#Post2821853

Hero18
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2821032&page=7

BinNC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...at&Number=2812820&gonew=1#UNREAD

endofit
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...at&Number=2788874&gonew=1#UNREAD

Benito
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=60874&Number=2761432#Post2761432

Txhubby
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=60640&Number=2748478#Post2748478

Joejoe1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2758010#Post2758010

dday101798
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1781811&page=74

Notlikingthis
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2515648&page=1

upside
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2260170#Post2260170

Freckle
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2735806#Post2735806


This is gold!!!! I will check each one of these out!!!

How do we get this into being a sticky?


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: oceangrl] #2881894
01/22/20 07:46 PM
01/22/20 07:46 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4,149
L
LH19 Offline
Member
LH19  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4,149
I think this needs to be updated Joe2017 & Jim1234 didnt reconcile


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
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